Drugtionary
by Mr. Ree and Mr. Meenor
Summary: Kanda was held back a year in high school, due to 'problems'. He takes LSD and doesn't care what happens to him. That is, until he meets a redheaded-stranger. But will Alma, his main hallucination, let him go? Or will he be addicted for life? AU
1. Boring Field Trip

Another idea that was played around with. Yo! Mr. Ree here, off to bring up a Lavi and Kanda fic. THE HORROR! Hah! Wo ai Kanda he Lavi… Dan shi, shui bu xi huan ta men? (Chinese FTW.) So, let's ignore me and commence forthwith with Chapter 1 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

1. Boring Field-Trip

By the time a normal person is at least nineteen-years-old, they should be able to proudly announce that they had officially graduated high school. However, Kanda was not a 'normal person'. He was far from it, considered he was a problem-child, a drug-dealer, a hallucinating-psychopath, a reject, and a highly-dangerous man. However, as far as most people knew, he was just a problem-child that had trouble focusing in school. The teachers and the head master agreed to keep him back a year, to 'keep him out of trouble'.

Some job they did.

In his eyes, Kanda already estimated that his life-span would be around twenty, twenty-one years at best. He would wake up sometimes and be surprised that he was still breathing and in this world. When that happened, he always had to get up, take a shower, then run around the city block, no matter how late it was. He would run until he was close to passing out, then return home to sleep, school-day or not.

He wished he had stayed home that day, but he knew wishes never came true. He had completely forgotten about the school trip to a Waste Treatment Plant to understand the processes that was involved in it. It apparently had something to deal with his science class, he didn't really know. All he knew was that it was too damn cold to be standing outside, raining, and that he wasn't in a pleasant mood. Adding the fact that they were going to a Waste Treatment Plant made it all the better.

"…this here is where the filtering takes place," the man explained. Some of the students were jotting down notes, much to Kanda's amusement. Were some of them planning to take this job or something? "This is so that we can release the water back out into the rivers without causing more pollution. Over here in this building is the monitoring." The man led them into a small, cramped space that made Kanda wish he were claustrophobic so that he had an excuse to get out of there. "We have to make sure all of these dials are perfect, or else the entire process is mixed up. Whenever the arrows go to the red part, we have to stop everything and go find the problem. Quite annoying, if you ask me."

_And if you ask me, this field trip is quite shitty. _His arms folded across his chest, glancing vacantly at the fake-wood walls. Awards for 'Most Clean Treatment Plant' lined the tops of the walls, shining in gold plaques much to his disapproval. They had awards for everything. Why couldn't he get one for 'Most Jaded High School Student'?

The man in the tan overcoat that seemed to have an over-eating problem continued onwards with the tour. The scene changed dramatically as they proceeded down the stairs, which seemed like a work-out for the tour guide. Instead of dials and stupid gadgets, there were fish. Kanda raised an eyebrow in amusement. _I wonder if I can take one of these home for dinner tonight._

"We also keep a record of the fish that go through the river," the man explained. "If a new breed enters the ecosystem, we immediately recognize it. Smelts are making a comeback, which means our efforts to clean the river is working."

The teacher glanced at his watch and smiled. "We'll take a pizza-break and resume with the tour later." The tour guide nodded in approval as the teacher led the way out of the building to a slightly-larger building with the aromas of pizza wafting through the air. He was not a fan of pizza at all. The grease made him sick.

"Hey, Ba-Kanda."

The Japanese man ignored the raspy tenor of one of the people he severely disliked as he resided in the corner, glaring. The white-haired boy frowned, and then shoved a plate of pizza up to his face, causing Kanda to rear his head back in disgust. "Che. What the hell do you think you are doing, _Moyashi?"_

"I learned that word the other day in Japanese class." The boy seemed to grin maliciously. "I actually know what it means now. So you can't call me that."

"I can call you whatever the hell I want, regardless of whether or not you know the meaning of said-particular word," he retaliated. "So go away and talk to someone who cares about your fucking existence, Moyashi."

"_Ni zhi dao ni ai wo."_

"That's Chinese, moron."

Allen's mouth was about to open yet again, but much to Kanda's pleasure, Rhode, a rather-annoying yet often-useful-in-getting-rid-of-Allen girl, grasped the British boy and forced him to sit with her and her older brother, who happened to be the teacher of this whole field-trip. He sighed. The sadistic bastard thought it would be fun to torture his students even more by dragging them to the world's-most boring and pointless field trip ever in existence.

_He'll die later by Mugen's hands. _Kanda mused to himself. _It'll be slow and painful and wonderful. Che._

After the lunch break, the dull tour resumed onwards. Rain was coming down more steadily as time progressed and the tour came to an anti-climatic end. There was a 'thank you for coming' and a 'the pleasure is all ours' conversation, and that was it. Next thing he knew, they were back onto a filth-laced bus with smelly teenagers and too many hyper people. He sat near the middle (which was where most of the quiet ones were) and stared out the window.

_That was the most enlightening thing I ever went through, _he thought sarcastically. _What's next? A conversation with Satan?_

'Yuu, you know better than that.'

The scenery blended together as the man frowned. _Shut up, Alma._

"Alma" was a creation of Kanda's imagination. He was created shortly after he turned nine or ten, he couldn't remember. Ever since then, however, he couldn't get through a single day without talking to him. He sighed internally as the figment continued to speak. 'Shut up? But all I said was that you knew better! I thought you would agree with me. You generally have the same opinion as me, you know?'

_Those are lies and you know it._

'Or perhaps you are lying to yourself?' Kanda found himself closing his eyes and picturing the boy in his head. Annoying grin, stupid expressions, and wore ridiculous clothing. His hair was rather short and slightly dark, but that didn't dampen Alma's spirits. 'Just pointing it out, Yuu. You never know. That might be your future job, you know.'

_Like hell. _Kanda glared at him. _I would be caught dead before that ever happened._

Alma grinned. 'You say that about every job. You really should go get yourself one soon, aside from the drug-dealing and all. That stuff will kill you, land you in jail, or something far worse than those other two options.'

_Like what? Death? I'll gladly take that option. _

'Yuu…'

Kanda rummaged through his backpack and found his old, worn-out CD player with some banged-up headphones. He didn't like the new iPods or whatever. They looked flimsy and breakable. He knew his CD player wouldn't break on him, no matter how many times he dropped it. _I'm ignoring you now. Go away._

'You were the one who made me.' Alma sounded slightly sad. 'I'm your only friend and you know it. If I went away, you'd truly be alone.'

Kanda pressed 'PLAY' on his CD player and drowned out the annoying voice in the back of his head. In a sense, Alma was right. Without his little friend, he would have no one, but sometimes, having no one sounded like a good thing. Having no friends meant no responsibilities or attachments to anyone. The truth hurts, but in this case, it's the simplest fact in the world.

The bus continued to chug along until they reached a shopping plaza. He snorted. This was probably an attempt to apologize for making them deal with stupidity for three and a half hours. The girls were definitely excited except for a slim few, who, like Kanda, had a look of disgust on their faces.

'Yuu, you probably should get off the bus!' Alma yelled over the beats of the song.

_Che. What's the point?_

'I spy with my little eye something that begins with a restaurant that could serve soba noodles?' He could hear the look of victory on his face as he tore off his headphones and shoved them back in his bag along with the CD player. Soba noodles sounded rather good at that moment, mostly because he was hungry.

"Oi, Ba-Kanda! Hurry up!" Allen yelled as the man stepped onto the sidewalk. The rain had yet to let up, to his annoyance, as he leered at the annoying bean sprout before walking behind the rest of the group. He recognized the district immediately, mostly because it was near his apartment was located. He rose an eyebrow.

_Maybe I can sneak away from the rest of the group later, after I get something decent to eat… _He rubbed the back of his head out of tiredness as somebody, out of the blue, had the nerve to run into him. There was the sound of toppling over as Allen looked over his shoulder to see Kanda grimacing and on the ground. There was also someone else with a bright, dark (not one of those half-baked orangey kinds, a pure dark) red hair with boxes scattered around them. He could feel the amount of anger emanating from the Japanese man as he glared at the poor, unfortunate soul.

"Watch where the fuck you are going!" He stood up without offering to help him. "Why the fuck were you running in the first place, you moron? Don't you ever knock me over again!"

The redhead looked up at him. "S-Sorry, I thought you more over to the left. I have no depth perception, and-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" Kanda kicked one of the boxes further away from him before walking away from the scene. "People like you who do stupid shit like that ought to die! Che!"

'Way to go, Yuu! Tell that punk who really has the upper hand here!' Alma cheered from the back of his head. Kanda smirked internally as he shoved his hands in his pockets and didn't look back, indicating how irritated the redhead made him. He followed the classmates as Allen stayed behind Rhode a bit to talk to him.

"That was, uh, kind of rude," he remarked, which got a glare immediately from Kanda.

"Che. Rude? He was the one being rude, not watching where he was going." He glanced at his watch and frowned. "How much longer do I have to put up with this?"

"About… two hours or so?"

"Wonderful." He frowned. "Wait, we're going to do about an hour of shopping? Do they really expect me to stay for that long just to deal with you people?"

"I'm surprised you're even still talking to me, Ba-Kanda."

"Che. So am I." _Maybe it's because I just want to know what time is the best time to get away from all of you._

'And the soba noodles, Yuu!'

_And to get soba noodles._

The group was divided into four groups of six a little while afterwards. Tyki was his supervisor, which meant Rhode was with him, along with the bean sprout, and three other people he didn't give a damn about. He lagged behind as usual, glancing around for a half-way decent place he could eat at. Alma kept speaking up about which places looked good, which began to annoy him, but he was less annoying than Rhode and Allen, which was saying something.

'That place has really good mayonnaise, I can just smell it! I love mayonnaise, but you already knew that. I have a feeling that the store right there has a good noodle selection, the one near the lights… More to your left, Yuu. There you go. That one. You should probably find something for dinner tonight, too. You have a long schedule this evening.'

_Che. What are you, my schedule manager now? It's not going to be that long, just some of the regulars. _He glanced at his group, noticing that Tyki was being distracted by Rhode's never-ending talking, and seized the opportunity to slip away from their grasp. Allen was the only one to notice, however he didn't say anything. He knew better than to interfere with Kanda's plans of trying to escape.

He crossed the street with ease and pushed passed the double doors of the building. It seemed to be a locally owned store. The distinct aroma of coffee floated around him the moment he entered the store. A girl smiled at him before she stopped. "Kanda?"

"Lenalee?" He rose an eyebrow. "I thought you said you were going to be sick today."

She laughed sheepishly. "Yes, well. I honestly had no intention to go to a Waste Treatment Plant." She frowned. "Or rather, my brother wouldn't allow me to go, so I didn't even bother with going to school today and figured I could work. The more money I have for college, the better, you know?" She placed a cup of coffee with a very nice-looking bowl of soup onto the counter. "Order number forty-seven!"

"I never thought you'd denote yourself to working in a store like this."

She only laughed. "What can I help you with today? And yes, we have soba noodles, before you ask. Only store around here that does."

'See?' Alma was grinning in victory. 'Told Yuu! Get it? Get it?'

He promptly ignored him. "Che. Can I get some of those, then?"

"Sure!" She pulled out her own wallet and paid for it herself. "I know you're having issues with finding a job, Kanda. You need to get clean, you know that, right? Living like this can only end badly."

The look of seriousness almost made him sad that he did live on the streets, but he said nothing as she handed him a ticket. "Your order number is forty-nine. Come up here when I call your number out, okay? And we need to talk later."

He sighed heavily as he sat down at a table away from a window. He didn't want his teacher or any other person that could recognize him to see him. He frowned more. Lenalee always had to try to help, be it a half-dead dog or a crack-head. However, he didn't really like crack, so he wasn't one of those. He was a LSD-head, technically, and it sold well, too. He relaxed a bit and sighed, staring at the rain. Speaking of selling, he had four clients that evening: Jasdero, David, Skin Borric, and Wisely. Creepy fuckers, but you couldn't really choose your clients.

'Hey! She called your number!'

He looked up to see Lenalee shoving forward a bowl of soba noodles onto the counter, calling out number forty-nine. He forced himself up and got the bowl, then proceeded to sit back down. She even added chopsticks, to his approval. He split them apart and started eating. _Not bad, Alma._

'I know!' Alma grinned. 'Told you that it seemed to have a noodle selection. Hey? I think that girl is coming over here.'

He looked up to see Lenalee coming over. She sat down and smiled. "I managed to get someone to take over my shift for a little while. We really need to talk."

"Start talking."

She frowned, but didn't say anything about how rude he was being. "Okay, Kanda. We've known each other for about three years now. You don't seem to be noticing it, but you are definitely getting worse at distinguishing the difference between reality and your version of reality. You keep talking to yourself, even. I know this because your lips keep moving and you smirk sometimes." He seemed to snort, which made her frown deepen. "I'm serious, Kanda! You need to stop using, or something bad will no doubt happen."

A smirk riddled with mocking tones and a bit of hate formed on his face. "Do you really honestly think that I care, Lenalee? If no one else cares, why should I?"

"I can't _believe _you!" Her voice rose too high, which caught the other customer's attention. She blinked, then laughed sheepishly before toning down her voice. "You really think that no one cares, Kanda? I care, because I consider you as my friend."

"The feeling is one-sided," he commented, but she ignored it.

"And one of these days, you are going to find someone you really don't want to disappoint. You are, and when they learn about your habits, they'll leave you in no time flat. You'll be alone for the rest of your life. Do you really want that to happen to you? I know I wouldn't." She rose from her seat and sighed. "You don't believe me, do you."

"I just find it amusing how you think I'll like anyone," he replied, putting his chopsticks down. "I hate most people, so the chances of that happening are slim to none.'

"But they are still slim," she pointed out. "My break is over. But really, Kanda, just take time to think about what I said, okay? And I mean it. Have a nice day."

She took his empty bowl with her and walked back to the back of the counter, greeting the next customer in line with her smile. He got up from the table and sighed, annoyed, as he left the small café and headed towards his apartment building. It was about three blocks away, which was not wonderful, due to the fact that the rain had no signs of letting up. He was soaked by the time he reached the door.

He walked up one flight of stairs and towards the end of the hall to find his room. The door was unlocked. He didn't own anything valuable, except maybe the LSD itself, and that was it. He kicked off his shoes and stared blankly at the opposite wall, staring aimlessly for no reason.

'Yuu, you want to kill Akuma with me?'

He sighed. _Maybe some other day._

'But…'

The Akuma, like Alma, was a hallucination. They took a variety of forms and had their own level systems. He only ever saw them when he was tripping on acid. _Don't 'but' me. I am not in the mood today. Tomorrow, maybe. But not today._

'Tomorrow never comes,' Alma pointed out. Kanda could see him skipping around a rock wall, grinning like a moron. 'Yuu needs to say a specific day of the week. Otherwise, it doesn't count. And aren't you supposed to be selling soon?'

_I'll get up when I'm ready. _Kanda walked over to a corner and sat on the floor, now staring at the curtains blocking the window. The constant 'pitter-patter' of the rain was starting to unnerve him greatly, though he knew it wouldn't matter soon. He would fall asleep and be happy while knowing he escaped the boring field-trip that made him want to shoot himself.

'They'll get mad.'

_They're always mad._

'They'll hunt you down.'

_More than they already do?_

'They'll kill you.'

_They'll be doing me a favor._

Alma fell silent after that, leaving the Japanese man to fall asleep in the corner of the room. For a moment, though it was only a moment, he felt like all the problems he had just vanished and was replaced by a brief moment of happy sunshine.

The rain continued on, thunder rumbling softly in the distance. The storm was coming to an end… Maybe.

~O~

Alright! Chapter 1, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It would be highly appreciated and would keep me motivated to write more~! ^.^ (I know it's a bribe. Ssh. Don't tell.) See you all later in Chapter 2~! -Mr. Ree


	2. Fighting Akuma and a Stranger

To answer A. Orchid, I actually took three years of Chinese. I am about to go into Chinese IV. Ain't that exciting? Anyways, welcome to Chapter 2 of 'Drugtionary'! Okay, yes, I know the title is messed up. I agonized for hours trying to think of one. XD Even so. Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 2 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

2. Fighting Akuma and a Stranger

Several hours past as the Japanese man finally jolted awake. It was another one of those days where he thought he was dead when in reality he was still alive. The ticking of the cheap clock on the wall was the only thing he could hear. It began to dig into his mind and drive him insane, so he tried to think of something else. Alma seemed to be sleeping still, despite his alertness, which made him a little annoyed. Part of him wanted to crawl into his own head and shake the moron up himself, but he knew it wasn't possible.

Instead, he rose from the corner and sighed, stretching. No lights were turned on, so he had to navigate his way around in the dark. He stubbed his toes several times before he managed to find a light switch. The light flickered a few times before it finally turned completely, letting off dim light. He squinted in the light and found the shoes he kicked off earlier. He put them back on before locating his bag, which contained liquid forms of his signature drug: LSD.

_Che. Street value is increasing for this stuff. _He took out one of the bottles and slipped it into his pocket. _If I get more money, I can actually pay off next month's rent and the month after that, no problem. _

'Yuu?' When he blinked he saw Alma rubbing his eyes with one of his hands. 'Why is it so bright? You turned on the light? What?'

_Just go back to sleep, Alma. _Kanda slipped the bag over one of his shoulders and glanced at the clock. 7:07. He could still make it in time. _I'm just making my deals for today and then calling it quits. If you behave, I'll go destroy Akuma with you._

'Really?' His voice increased in tenor with the amount of excitement laced within the boy. 'You really will, Yuu? Ooh, I'm excited!'

He fished out a new shirt from the closet (a black sweatshirt, nothing fancy) to replace his still-wet one and changed before heading out of the room and closing the door. His neighbor, a seventy-year-old woman, was just getting home. She smiled at him kindly and he bowed his head. Respecting the elderly came first in his book, no matter what age or gender or career you have. He opened the door for her when she unlocked it.

"Thank you, sir," she said, then proceeded into her own apartment. He merely bowed his head again before heading down one flight of stairs and out the double doors into the dark. The air still smelled of rain, though the half-moon was shining. The storm must have went away, much to his enjoyment.

He strode down the sidewalk while trying to not catch anyone's attention. Remaining calm was the biggest thing he had to do while trying to pull these sales off. He turned down one corner, then another, until finally he reached the back alley of a local pub. There were cheers and whoops from within the structure. It sounded like all of the boys were back from their biking tour. Not that he cared. They were always loud and noisy. They didn't understand the concept of 'peace and quiet', no matter how many times he had tried to explain it.

He sighed as his back leaned up against the wall. The smells of sex and vomit made the place 'more of home', so to speak. At least for the bikers, anyways. The added smell of trash from one of the trash dispensers made it extra-special. The cops loved to steer away from the place, which made it perfect for all sorts of things. Though, the constant beat of the bass during 'club hours' made it a bit less desirable.

He waited and waited until his nerves began to get the best of him. Alma was even a bit impatient, which wasn't too surprising, though he was tapping his foot repeatedly on the imaginary stone wall in his head. He glanced at his watch. 7:31. They were late as usual.

It was about three minutes later when the group of four came together. Jasdero came first in his gangly ways, followed by David, Skin, and Wisely. They were in cohorts with a larger drug cartel known as "The Noah". Cops tried to bust them, but their efforts couldn't stop them. They were the second-largest drug sellers in the country. However, the four in front of him came to him for their own share, and they paid high for it.

"Che." Kanda's bag slipped off his shoulder as he started to unzip it. "It's about time you got here. I was starting to become afraid that you'd never show."

"_Eeeee?" _Jasdero, who was arguably the most messed-up out of the group, looked a bit worse than normal. "The Earl made us go across the country to sell a large shipment! I haven't gotten a break since! And my hair!" He grabbed some of his own locks and shoved them into his face. "My hair got caught in the door and got ripped off, _eeeee!"_

"Calm down! I'd said I'd get you some hair," David sighed, pulling out some money from his pocket. "So how much today, Kanda? Usual amount?"

"Yes."

Skin began salivating. "I can't wait to put it on sugar cubes and devour it all."

"Shut up." David handed him the money, which in turn he gave him the little bottles of the hallucinogenic. "Thanks for always showing up for us, man."

"No problem." _So long as I get my money, anyways._

The group left, leaving Kanda behind in his alley way. He resided there for a few minutes before leaving. He always did that, just to make sure they were out of eyesight and they couldn't see where he came from. The better hidden his apartment was, the safer he was going to be in the long run. He knew one of these days he was going to screw up. It was inevitable. However, he was going to stall it as long as possible so that his prediction for when he was going to die was correct. He was always funny about those things.

'Hey!' Alma tugged at his mind as he started to leave the alley. 'Are we gonna go kill Akuma now? Pretty please? I was quiet and everything!'

_Fine. _Kanda sighed out of annoyance as he heard yelling from around the corner. It didn't sound like one's typical 'gang versus gang' sort of yelling, it was more of a 'what the hell were you thinking' sort of yelling. Sadly, it was in the direction of where he wanted to go, so he tried to make himself as deaf as possible before rounding the corner.

There was a young punk who was full of himself, screaming every profanity known to man, as a redhead- Wait. Kanda stared at the redhead for a long moment before it registered in his mindset of who it was. It was the guy who ran into him earlier that day, only this time he didn't have boxes in his hands, he had books, which were scattered on top of the wet sidewalk. He looked apologetic.

"I-I said sorry, there's no need to blow a gasket over the situation!"

"'Sorry'? 'Sorry'?" The punk seemed beyond pissed off. Kanda frowned. Did he have to make so much noise? "You fucking moron! You directly stepped towards me, you fuck-face! If that isn't violation of privacy, I don't know what the fuck it is!"

"Actually, the violation of privacy states that-"

"I don't fucking give a flying shit about all the technical shit!" The punk grabbed the redhead by the collar. "You owe me money, man! If you don't fucking pay up, I will fucking shoot you right here!"

It didn't take a single brain cell to realize that the kid was drunk and that was far too young to be drunk. Kanda's frown deepened as he walked passed them, trying to tune the conversation out. He just wanted to get home and go to his little fantasy world. Alma was growing impatient, too, which wasn't helping with the situation. His foot was tapping rather rapidly. He must have really wanted to kill Akuma.

He rounded another corner and was finally out of earshot from the punk's yelling. His apartment building was getting closer. Subconsciously, his pace quickened. Part of him felt like he was being watched, and part of him was telling him that it was paranoia. Either way, he wanted to get home. His fingers was squeezing the bottle of liquid LSD as he pushed past the doors and up the stairs and down the hall to get to his room.

Finally. Peace and quiet.

He locked the door (he didn't anyone to just let themselves in while he was tripping) and dug out the small bottle. He pulled out some sugar cubes, mostly because he didn't like the small taste of bitterness that came along with it. He squeezed some of the liquid onto it and popped the cube into his mouth. It was a fairly moderate dose, the typical amount he usually took when Alma wanted to play.

He sat down and stared blankly as the scenery began to shift. Things began to shift and change into an unfamiliar place, one filled with crumbled buildings and occasional pools of water. Alma waved at him. He couldn't help but to wave back.

"You kept your promise!" He was grinning widely with that stupid grin of his. Kanda only rolled his eyes.

"Che. When do I not keep my promises?"

"You really don't want me to answer that question, Yuu." He pulled out his weapon (known as the Innocence. Alma told him that) that looked like a wing protruding out of his back. Level One Akuma began to appear out of the ground. Just his idea of fun. "You better pull out Mugen, or else you'll get shot and turned to dust."

"You forget," Kanda smirked, "that the tattoo on my chest regenerates my health."

"Oh yeah." Alma pouted. "No fair, Yuu. Come on! They're trying to attack that girl! Let's go kick some Akuma-butt!"

He rolled his eyes as the shorter kid began running towards where the Level One resided. Kanda reached for his sheathe and pulled out the samurai sword known as Mugen. It had an ability known as 'Ichigen', which summoned spirits that looked sort of like bugs. He followed up from behind and jumped over a pile of rubble, taking out one of the Akuma that was threatening to attack Alma from behind.

"Nice one!" Alma grinned widely. "Let's see how many we can get in an hour! The one with the most kills of Akuma wins!"

The Japanese man seemed to grin at that. "You're on."

~O~

By the time he snapped out of his drug-induced hallucination (at which point he had the higher of the two scores: Kanda, 77, Alma, 69.), he was sprawled out on the floor, panting. He didn't know that Alma could wear him down until he was literally laying on a pool of his own sweat. He stared blankly at the ceiling before glancing at the clock, which he could make out to be a little after midnight.

_That was definitely more than an hour, Alma. _

'Sorry. Got carried away, you know?' The moron was grinning again. 'Think of it as extra-training or something! You never know, you could actually manage to come across a real sword and need it one of these days.'

_You need to stop coming up with different things that could happen. _He made a face that was between distaste and annoyance. _Ugh. I feel sick from all that running. How many hours before I have to go to school?_

'About eight hours when you have to be there, so about… seven hours of sleep.'

_Wonderful. Don't wake me up for anything, not even the phone. _

'What if Allen calls?'

_Then burn the phone until the ringing stops and tell me we need a new phone number. _He rolled over and sighed heavily. _I didn't have any homework today, right? No. Okay. And I should be safe from Lenalee for at least a little while before she tries to talk to me again. I think it's safe to say I made it through another day. _He glanced at the door vacantly and sighed. _Maybe I should just skip school tomorrow. They'll forget to lecture me that way, I think. I'm really sick of Leverrier being an ass._

'Then why not kill him?' Alma was playing with a rock in his hands before he threw it across the way, surveying it until it fell. 'I don't think anyone would miss him, truth be told. Though, those security guards he always has around him might be a problem.' He skipped another rock across the way before yawning. 'If only they were Akuma, huh?'

_Yeah. _He closed his eyes and partially smirked. _If only they were Akuma._

~O~

_Kanda. _

The moon was gone, as were the stars. It was raining, but he couldn't feel it. Instead, he was staring at the pools of dark water that laid before him. It took him a moment to realize that it wasn't water at all, but that it was blood. He spotted Mugen amongst one of the puddles. Its blade was broken and tattered.

_Kanda, one of these days, you are going to find someone you really don't want to disappoint._

He approached the sword only for it to crumble to dust before his eyes. It integrated with the dark red pool. He looked up out of slight confusion to see a group of people (the Noah?) standing there, all of which with weapons in their hands. Jasdero and David had their beloved pistols out, whereas Wisely had a steel pole and Boric just had his fists ready to go. They were staring down at someone, who was lying incredibly still, on the ground.

…_And when they learn about your habits, they'll leave you in no time flat._

He could feel his eyes widened as blood-soaked lotus flowers began to emerge from the pools of water, their petals larger than normal. The Noah group turned and looked at him, all of whish were grinning. _"This is what you get for leaving us."_

He stopped moving as Alma rose his head from the ground. 'Yuu… He…lp… me…'

"…_Alma…?"_

…_You'll be alone for the rest of your life. _

He sat up, startled, as his chest heaved up and down. He had a nightmare, he knew it, but he could barely remember it. All he could remember was Lenalee saying something in the background and blood. He shook his head from side to side, still panting, as he shakily rose from the living room floor. There were sirens going off outside the building, which caused for some concern. He approached his front door and rested his ear against it, only to hear the yelling of paramedics.

"…suffered a heart attack! At this age…"

"…she probably won't make it…"

"…dispatch, we have an elderly female, just suffered from cardiac arrest…"

He paused, confused, then opened the door. There was a stretcher, and on it was his neighbor, the seventy-year-old woman. People were rushing in and out of the building in one great confusion. He blinked once before realizing something bad had happened. _She had a heart attack? _The confusion delved deeper. _But she was the health addict about everything. She dropped off vegetables at my door sometimes, even._

One of the paramedics spotted him and patted him on the shoulder. "Son, it's okay. This woman will probably be fine. You should go back to your room."

_She's definitely dead, then. _Kanda nodded, biting his tongue hard so that he didn't snap at him for calling him 'son', and went back into his room. He closed the door behind him and frowned heavily as he glanced at the clock. 10:04. He was more than definitely missing school that day. He heard the sirens again and the sound of a car, no doubt an ambulance, speeding off in the streets.

'What was that?' Alma rubbed at his eyes again.

_Che. Our neighbor suffered a heart attack. It's safe to say that she's dead. _He rummaged through his closet and found black jeans and a white long-sleeved shirt. _I'm going to take a shower, then we're going to go walk around for a little bit. I don't think it would be in our best interest to stay here for long today._

'To hide from the authorities, you mean?'

He ignored his as he took a shower, then got dressed. He brushed his hair back into a slipknot ponytail before glaring at himself in the mirror. It was making his reflection melt. He shook his head from side to side before staring at it again, only with the same result.

_No, _he finally responded as he forced himself out of the bathroom. _Just to get away from here. Maybe talk to Lenalee. Che. Who knows?_

He looked down on the floor and blinked. Blood was surrounding him again, only this time it was in little swirls. If they were in an ocean, he would have called them whirlpools. He grimaced and found his bag before leaving the room, making sure this time that the door was locked. Paranoia was getting the best of him, but he could have honestly cared less. He just needed to get away from there as soon as possible.

He proceeded down the stairs and out the door before inhaling deeply. The fresh air seemed to clear his mind for a moment, just before he took one step and tripped somebody walking past. He blinked, then frowned in discontent as he realized who it was.

"You again."

The redhead shook his head before picking up pens this time. "Hunh? Oh! I know you, you were that jerk who yelled at me for my lack of depth perception!" He stood up and frowned. "And then I saw you when I walked into that punk. Wow, must be a small world since I ran into you again a third time, huh?" He held out his hand and grinned. It didn't take a genius to figure out that it was fake. "My name's Lavi."

"Che." Kanda ignored the hand and started to walk away from the idiot-redhead.

"H-Hey! Where are you going?" He ran after him until he was beside him. "I just met you… well, I met you three times. That actually reminds me of a quote, something about if you meet a stranger three times, then your destinies are fated together. Weird, huh?"

"Stop talking to me."

'You tell him, Yuu!'

Lavi frowned. "Oh, c'mon! I just moved here, well, I'm looking for a place to move into, and I don't know this place very well. Could you maybe show me around? _Pleeease? _I'll treat you to food if you do."

The Japanese man sighed. "Does it really look like I want to put up with anybody?"

"No, but I like to take my chances."

Alma kicked at a rock in Kanda's head. 'Let's just ditch him, Yuu. He looks and smells like an idiot, therefore, he must be an idiot. We should just go and check to see if the lotus flowers are blooming. That old man never lies, you know. And I wanna see the flowers. Let's go.'

The idea sounded really good to him. He ignored Lavi and started walking towards the place that Alma was talking about, only for him to follow him. Kanda's pace increased and so did Lavi's. He whipped around and glared at him. "Will you stop following me, you stupid rabbit?"

"Rabbit?" Lavi blinked. "Wait. Are you Japanese? My name would be Rabi… Ohhh, I get it." He grinned widely. "That's a new nickname for me."

"Che." _Okay, change of plans, Alma. We're going to see Lenalee. He seems like the type that would dig a pretty girl._

'Sounds good, just so long as we get rid of him!'

_And soon._

A murder of crows flew overhead as he approached the local café in hopes to get rid of the stranger that rudely walked in on his life. With any luck, this plan would work.

Hopefully.

~O~

Woo-hoo, Chapter 2, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! I got a bunch last chapter (which I meant to reply to. I will, starting this chapter, promise! ^.^) and it made me super-happy! See you later in Chapter 3! -Mr. Ree


	3. Destiny's Wrath

Yo! Chapter 3 of 'Drugtionary' has arrived! Fast updates, neh? Let's just hope they're halfway decent with the spelling and the grammar and the fire and the burning. Anyways! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 3 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

3. Destiny's Wrath

He pushed past the double doors of the café and saw Lenalee, who immediately spotted him. Her smile faded after the heavy glare that he was directing towards her that read, 'you've-got-to-help-me-out-here'. She looked past him to see a grinning, redheaded boy behind him that looked about an inch taller. She blinked and gave him that 'what's-the-matter?' look, which he just responded with the most annoyed-looking face in the world. She sweat-dropped.

"Hello, Kanda," she greeted, then looked behind him again. "Is this your friend?"

"Kanda? That's a cool name. Sounds like a last name, though," Lavi commented.

"Far from it." He folded his arms across his chest and scowled. "He's trying to get me to show him around this place because he's new here. And I don't want to deal with him because he's pissing me off- _Don't touch my hair!"_

Lavi's grin widened. "But it's fun to play with!"

_Oh, boy. _Lenalee could see why he was so desperate about getting rid of the stranger. Her frown deepened as the Japanese man began yelling loud enough to disturb the other customers. She sighed. "So, what's your name? I'm Lenalee Lee, one of Kanda's friends."

He blinked, then turned slowly towards where Lenalee stood. His grin returned in tenfold at the sight of her. "I'm Lavi. I moved here recently because of the college I wanted to attend. It's quite a ways from home." He rubbed the back of his head and laughed sheepishly. "I mean, it's good to experience new places, but I honestly haven't a clue of as to where anything is. Plus, I'm trying to find a new apartment. Hotels are way too pricey for me right now."

"Where did you come from?"

"India. Me and my grandfather like to travel."

Kanda thanked Lenalee internally as he started to make his getaway. She let him as she continued to talk to Lavi, distracting him from the events going on. The Japanese man exited the door and bolted, running as fast as he could to get away from the café and to somewhere where the idiot would never find him. He slowed down to a walk when he judged it was safe enough, then walked towards a house that was famous in the city for its gardens. Alma loved it there especially.

He entered through the gate and plants greeted him in their silent manner. Alma was giddy with excitement as he walked down the cobblestone path and towards a section where mud and water were integrated. There, amongst the icky brown color, was a bud of a lotus. The boy gasped inside his mind as he nearly stumbled over. 'It's so pretty, Yuu! I can't believe it started to bud!'

_Neither can I. _Kanda stared at it for the longest time and lost track of where he was. _They are only supposed to bud once every thousand years or something like that. I guess it's spectacular to see one while you're alive. Alma, what are you doing?_

'Trying to get a closer look. Could you lean closer, Yuu?'

_And get a face full of mud while I'm at it? Che. No._

He pouted. 'Pretty please? You said it was spectacular to see. I wanna see it up close!'

The Japanese man sighed, then bent down to have a closer look. The petals were a nice white with a hint of pink around the base. After a while the pink began to turn a darker shade of pink, then to red. He rubbed his eyes to get rid of it, but it didn't work. _Shit. I'm hallucinating even without the LSD. _The flower began to slowly melt into a pile of reddish wax that covered the mud and made a huge, unfriendly grin. Bodies began to take shape. One of them was Lenalee. Another was Allen. Several of the Noah members appeared, too.

He panted as he reared his head away from the mud patch, which confused his friend in his head. 'Is something wrong?'

_No. Nothing's wrong. _The flowers began to grow teeth and stood tall at twenty feet. They grew eyes that were a dark purplish-green and laughed loudly. One tried to nip at his shoulder. _It's just a hallucination, _he told himself. _I must have accidentally taken too much earlier. Che. I need to be more careful._

"Excuse me."

Everything stopped. The flowers returned to normal, the wax disappeared, and the bodies were gone. He turned to see an elderly man smiling at him. "Did you come to see the flowers? You look rather stunned."

"Ah… Yes." He had no other choice than to go with the partial truth. In reality, Alma wanted to see the flowers, and it was his only escape route to get away from that Lavi kid. "I was just noticing how the lotus was coming up from the mud, that's all."

"Ah, yes," the old man nodded. He walked towards the mud patch and smiled. Kanda noticed that his hands were covered with smooth wrinkles, ones that showed a life of hard work and manual labor. "The lotus is a precious flower, isn't it? It was one of my favorites, along with my wife's." He seemed nostalgic for a moment before returning to gaze at him. "It's nice to see young people such as yourself who still have an appreciation for nature. Come back anytime you wish."

"Thank you," Kanda bowed, then left the garden before closing the gate behind him. Alma was pleased to no end, but he didn't care. He was just pleased that he managed to shake off the stranger. He walked down the sidewalk a bit before stopping and sighing. _I'm bored._

'So I've noticed," Alma remarked. 'You probably should have gone to school. Maybe then you wouldn't have ran into that weird-o.' He huffed. 'He had some nerve, playing with your hair like that! He should know what personal space is! Oh well.' He sighed. 'We probably should just go home, Yuu. It would be in our best interests, considering how we run a high risk of getting spotted by someone you know.'

_I suppose you're right. I could catch up on sleep and maybe meditate to clear out my mind. _He started walking again and frowned. _I'm getting a feeling that I'm being watched these days. Have you felt it, too?_

'Can't say I have.' He shrugged. 'Maybe you're just paranoid.'

_Yeah. _His frown deepened. _But sometimes paranoia isn't it. _He looked over his shoulder and blinked. No one was following him. The street was rather quiet for that time of day, probably because it was a Thursday and people were waiting for Friday to begin their shopping. Halloween was coming up, also, so people were especially busy on the weekends. He sighed. _Let's just go home._

'Cool!'

He kept walking. Behind him, sitting in a car, were two individuals, one rather large, the other, slightly lean. "So that's Kanda Yuu you've been talking about?"

"Yes, Earl."

"He looks dependable." The man's eerie grin turned towards the other sitting next to him. "I hear his has quite the record, if our data is correct. He would make quite the member of our little group. We could always use the members." He handed the leaner one a piece of paper. "Figure out as much as you can about him. We'll meet up with him and make him a deal he can't refuse. Do not fail me, David. And Jasdero or any of the others can come with you, if you wish. Just do not mess up."

David nodded. "Of course, Millennium Earl."

"Good. Now let's go see if any of these crappy restaurants serve crocodile."

~O~

It didn't take him too long to get back home. He did, however, stop for some groceries (his fridge was getting rather low on the entire food thing) first. Alma wanted him to get chocolate ice cream, so he did, just because. He would have to wash the dishes, too, he knew that. In fact, the entire place needed to be cleaned. He frowned out of annoyance as he opened the building door. People were carrying boxes down the stairs.

_Ah. She did die, after all. _Kanda allowed them to pass before he proceeded up the stairs himself. Some of the people were crying while others were stoic-faced. He was surprised that they already were cleaning out the apartment. He reached up to his hall before his eyes widened and glued onto a certain individual. _No… Fuck, no! This can't be happening to me! No! No!_

"Eh?" Lavi glanced over towards Kanda's direction and grinned widely. "If it isn't Kanda! Don't tell me you live here, too!"

_NOOOOO! _Kanda found himself glued to the spot as the redhead came over, grinning like always. He just glared at him before finally becoming able to speak. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "I was looking for a new place. Lenalee, that girl from the café, helped me out. We were about to lose hope when we saw boxes moving out of this place, and it was the only vacant room left for this apartment building. Couldn't believe my luck, even if I am moving into a dead woman's old home." He grinned. "Since you're in this building and you have a set of keys in your hand, you live here too, yeah?"

'Oh, wow.' Alma was laughing at him. 'I can't believe how much rotten luck you've had so far today. Or should I say the past two days. Ahaha!'

_Can it. _The Japanese man frowned and unlocked his door before entering. Not surprisingly, Lavi followed him in. The place was really a disaster to be having 'guests' visiting (if that's what you wanted to call it. This was more of a violation of space), but he didn't give a damn anymore. He put the bags of groceries onto the table and started unpacking. Lavi observed from behind, looking around the place while doing so.

"Wow," he commented as he shuffled through the items on his desk. Kanda tried not to pay attention. "What's this? Pre-calculus? Are you still in high school? You look… older than a high school student. Eh?" He picked up a student I.D. card and blinked. "'Yuu Kanda'. So I _was _right, Kanda _is _your last name!"

'God, does he ever shut up?' Alma complained. 'I'm trying to sleep!'

_I was just wondering the same thing. _Kanda placed a carton of milk onto a shelf in the fridge before glaring at the redhead. "Don't go through my stuff. I will kill you."

"Okay, okay." Lavi backed off immediately and grinned sheepishly. "I do that sometimes. I was just curious, I honestly meant no harm. Hey…" He started to have a thinking look on his face. Kanda already didn't like it. "Since your name is Yuu and your Japanese, and you look like a girl… I could call you 'Yuu-chan', right?"

The box of crackers in his hands fell to the floor as he grabbed the college student by the collar and slammed him into the wall. "Do _not _call me that. It will end with your very slow and impending death. Do I or do I not make myself clear, you _Baka Usagi?"_

"Eep! Sure, sure. J-Just put me down nicely, okay?" His hands waved in defense as he tried to hold his own up against the glaring man. "Promise I won't call you that again, okay? Put me down…"

The temptation to smash his head into the wall repeatedly until brain matter (or what was left of it) started to paint his wall a nice, gruesome color was unreal. His glare did not falter as he put the redhead back onto his feet and returned to putting back his groceries. Lavi was still trying to catch his breath from the shock of meeting Death and his violent ways.

'You should have hit him where it counts!'

_Che. That's taking a cheap shot. _He finished putting the groceries away and sighed._ I don't take cheap shots; I make it so that you __wished__ I had taken the cheap shot. _He pulled the ice cream out of the fridge and Alma squealed out of happiness. Kanda could have cared less for ice cream, but it seemed like an ice cream kind of day. He blinked and glared at Lavi. "Why are you still here?"

"Err, well, Panda is still moving stuff in there, and I really don't want to get in his way. He gets all finicky about that kind of stuff." He laughed sheepishly. "Panda is my grandfather, by the way. He is also called Bookman, but to me, he looks like a panda. A violent one at that."

"And that's my problem… how?"

"Oh, c'mon, Yuu-chan!" He slapped Kanda's back with a firm hand. "We're buds now! I mean, we're neighbors and everything! You should at least be a bit friendlier!"

'I thinks we should move, Yuu.' Alma scratched at his neck while frowning. 'This kid is going to drive us crazy to the tenth degree. Or maybe a molar degree. Point being, he's super-annoying, and I thought I was the annoying one between us!'

_I'll start looking for openings tomorrow morning. _He glared at Lavi dangerously before taking out a spoon and a bowl and opened the ice cream. The scent of chocolate reached his and Alma's nostrils, causing his friend to become excited. He rolled his eyes and put three scoops of the frozen milk product into the bowl and put the rest in the freezer. He started eating before noticing the redhead was laughing. "Che. What's so funny?"

"Y-You were glaring at me while trying to get some ice cream!" he managed before bursting out laughing. Kanda stared at him with utter hatred as the idiot rolled on the floor, clasping his stomach. "You were all, 'I'm gonna kill you' while holding a carton of chocolate ice cream in your hands! It totally killed it! Ahaha!"

"_Do you have a death wish?" _His seething indicated to Lavi to run away while he still had his life. He got up off the floor, still laughing, and waved as he left the room. Kanda glared at the door after him, then resumed to eating the ice cream.

'It's really good!'

_I hate to admit it, but you're right. Tell anyone and you die. _

'I'll take it to my grave!' He grinned as Kanda took another bite of the delicious ice cream before there was a loud thud and a crash and a bang. He blinked once before another loud thud, followed by a sound of a wall crumbling- the sound of his wall crumbling -and a very dazed looking Lavi.

"Stop calling me old and a panda, you fool! Now hurry up here and fix that wall you just destroyed!"

"O-Ow… You senile old man…" Lavi rose from the rubble and sheepishly laughed at Kanda. "Sorry about that, Yuu-chan. I'll fix it as soon as I can."

His upper lip twitched as he stared at his formerly-standing wall. Bits of plaster and a stud were scattered on the floor. It was going to be a living Hell to clean the mess up. He finished the ice cream and put the bowl in the sink before frowning. He could hear the yelling going on between the teenager and an old man. _Alma. Where did I put last week's newspaper?_

Alma blinked. 'Why do you need it?'

_I can't postpone moving until tomorrow._

~O~

In the end, Lavi had placed a red curtain instead of anything actually strong over the hole that he (or rather, Bookman) created. He supposed it wasn't too bad, though the constant snoring of an old man was _driving him nuts. _He had even clamped two pillows over his ears to drown it out and it still didn't work. Alma went to sleep fine, surprisingly. He was a heavy sleeper, compared to Kanda, who really wasn't. Sleeping sometimes felt like another chore for him to do, aside from the already-troublesome parts of life.

_Oh. My. God. _He thought for the one hundredth time. _If he doesn't stop snoring, I'm going to suffocate him in his sleep. Where the hell did they put the beds, anyways? Right next to the wall? Che. _He rolled over and glared at the alarm clock. The red letters brightly shined the time: "1:47". _I have fucking school tomorrow. If I can't sleep, tomorrow is going to be shit._

He sat up and frowned deeply. There really was only one solution to the problem, and that was his CD player. However, when he dug it out, the batteries were dead. He groaned in frustration. _Fuck it. I might as well start running. _

He located his shoes and tied them on before yawning loudly and heading out the door. The lights in the hallway were turned off, so he had to feel his way down the hall and the stairs before stepping outside. The moon was smaller than the night before, part of its face hidden by the darkened side. Stars glittered up above like crystal meth on a black piece of fabric. He inhaled deeply before starting to jog.

Lenalee's words tried to invade his mind again.

"…_one of these days…"_

_Stop it. I run for this very reason so that I can't think. _His pace increased as he passed a street light. His white shirt illuminated for a brief moment until he continued onwards. _Stop trying to tell me what I should do._

"…_you are going to find someone…"_

He grimaced before turning down a random alley way. It was dark, but he didn't care. The darker, the better. He thought less that way in usual cases, however, it wasn't working this time. Lenalee's words dripped like rain drops in the drought-filled plains of his mind. He stopped and stared up at the sky, where a lone cloud covered up the moon for less than fifteen seconds.

"…_you really don't want to disappoint."_

"Never gonna happen," he said aloud. "Never gonna happen. Che."

"_You will."_

A frown formed. He had thought of it once or twice, what it would be like to actually give a damn about a person's existence, but in the end, it just wasn't for him. He didn't like attaching to people, period. They always wound up dead one way or another, so what was the point in caring for someone who has a death-sentence automatically on their head? He just didn't see the point. Why would anyone do that to themselves?

'…Yuu?'

Alma was special that way. Alma was his friend because he wouldn't die until he died and didn't matter. Alma was going to be with him forever, and that was all he needed. No one else was important. They died too early. Alma never would.

_Go back to sleep. I'm just running, that's all. I'm heading back now._

'…M'kay. Good night…'

It didn't take long for the hallucination to fall asleep as Kanda returned inside the building. He wiped the sweat off of his brow as he returned up the stairs and into his room. The snoring, miraculously, had died down. He stripped off his shirt and cast it aside before walking into his room and collapsing onto the bed.

He was right. No one else did matter.

So long as he had Alma, he wouldn't need anyone else. No one.

His eyelids closed as his mind entered in a dreamless, restful sleep.

_Nobody._

~O~

Woo-hoo, Chapter 3, done! A bit of angst and a bit of humor, eh? Heh heh. So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It would be very much appreciated, yatta! See you in Chapter 4~! -Mr. Ree


	4. Dummies Guide on Dealing with Idiots

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Mr. Ree with another update! Hah hah. Anyways, I got 16 reviews for this story thus far! A special thanks to Grinss, Marufu-chan, TiffanyBane, Aki, AustralianGypsy, , I'm At My All Time Low, TheSeventhLie, -pon, Yuu13, MuffinStealer (Llama llama! XD), and Saga of Eternal Rain. You guys are great! ^.^ So, let us commence forthwith with Chapter 4 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

4. The Dummies Guide on Dealing with Idiots

The effort it took to open his eyes was unreal. The alarm clock was beeping slower than normal, and the tune changed to that of a music box. A girlish and childish voice was singing in the background, registering on a low level. He tuned it out and didn't bother listening to whatever the she-devil was saying. Everything blurred together: The clock, the walls, the ceiling, the clutter on the floor, the floor itself… everything. It blended into a hellish mess that no adjectives could describe.

Such a scene was a perfect way to start the morning.

_Shit. _He blinked slowly, trying to shake off the tiredness and the hallucination. It didn't really work. _Shit, am I tripping again? But I didn't even…_

"Hey, Yuu!"

Kanda sat up, despite how much his tense muscles objected otherwise, and tried to find the friend who resided in his head. He couldn't see correctly, what with the walls shifting and everything. He kept looking until his eyes finally landed on him. "Al…! ma…?"

The shorthaired kid grinned widely as he sat upon a horse, or more specifically, a unicorn. It was shimmering and sparkling in the sunlight, its horn dripping with a red substance known as blood. It had wings, but they weren't feathery, they were wings that one would see on a fly. It took the Japanese man a few moments before one coherent thought managed to get through his head: _What sort of Twilight-My Little Pony-Vampire-Bug-Shit is this!_

"Isn't he _cute? _I call him 'Timcanpy'." He grinned as he patted the thing's neck. "It's a vampire-mosquito-unicorn! It only likes drinking the blood of virgins, though. Kinda picky, if you ask me." He grinned. "Are you a virgin, Yuu?"

"I have no interest in people." He averted his gaze from the unicorn-abomination. "So yes, I'm a virgin. Che."

"Maybe you should let Timcanpy suck your blood, then."

"And maybe I should push you off a cliff."

"Yuu!"

Kanda snorted. "Che. Whatever. Just snap me out of this hallucination. I've got school to attend to, and I'm running low on my stock, so I can't just skip today."

"Oh. So are you gonna tell that to Leverrier before or after he bitches you out for leaving the field-trip early?"

"Take a guess, moron."

"I'll take that as a 'never'." He gazed vacantly at something behind Kanda before grinning sheepishly. Something in the back of his head told him it rather looked like the idiot's grin, except Lavi's grin was…

"I could always kick you back to you reality," Alma commented, which snapped him out of his thoughts. "It would probably hurt a lot, though. You wouldn't mind, would you? I have no other way, or else I would have done that."

He paused before answering. "It depends on how— _oof!" _A swift kick to the chest by the unicorn caused him to be rudely interrupted as he realized that he was falling. "_Almaaaa! _I'm going to kill you!"

"Don't worry!" He could hear the bastard laughing at him. "You'll live! …Maybe!"

Kanda opened his mouth to argue when he blinked once and was back on his bed. The walls, windows, ceiling and floor had returned to normal as the alarm clock on the nightstand was beeping the way it should have beeped. He glared at the piece of technology before whacking it with his fist. He sighed heavily.

_Damn, that was fucked up. I really should be more careful. _He rose from his bed and shoved off the covers, yawning. _Hey, idiot of a friend. Can you make Timcanpy _not _look like a wannabe unicorn Make it smaller and something that _doesn't_ make me want to scream bloody murder each time I look at it. If you can't do that, then you'll have to get rid of him. Understood?_

'Fine, fine.' Alma pouted. 'I like it as a unicorn, though…'

He ignored him and located a clean pair of clothes in the murkiness of the disaster that he called his closet. He grabbed a towel and took a quick shower, brushed his teeth (with mint-flavored paste, which Alma hated to no end) and got dressed. Nothing fancy, just a white, long-sleeved shirt and black jeans. He fastened the belt around his waist before staring in the mirror and frowning. The thing was broken and he needed a new one, but he had never bothered to do that. Instead, he managed to look past the cracks and brushed his hair back into a slipknot ponytail. He stared at himself in distaste for two seconds longer when the door to his apartment knocked.

_Who the hell…? _Kanda frowned as he walked out of the bathroom and towards the door.

'Beats me. Maybe the landlord?'

_No, he's coming next week. Che. _

The door continued to knock as he approached it. The frown that seemed permanent upon his face deepened as he proceeded to open the door.

Lavi was standing there, grinning like an idiot. "Heya, Yuu-chan!"

Kanda proceeded to slam the door shut.

"Hey?" The redhead became confused. "Yuu-chan, why'd you slam the door on me? I didn't even do anything wrong yet! C'mon, I only wanna ask you a question!"

"I told you not to call me that!" He locked the door and glared at it as the other tried to open it. "Quit bothering me so I can get ready for school, you dimwit! Now leave me the hell alone!"

"But you don't even like school! C'mon, Yuu-chan, lemme in!"

"No! And for the last time, stop calling me that!"

Silence ensued as Kanda detected that the idiot had finally given up. He sighed quietly to himself as he gathered his bag and some empty bottles. If he were going to make more liquid LSD, bottles were definitely in order. He found his watch and clasped it around his wrist. Using the chemistry lab was risky, but he could make enough in time. Besides, they already had the pleasure of having chemicals at his disposal. All he needed to do was make sure no one was coming. He then shoved his textbooks for school in his bag and frowned at the weight that they had. It often caused his back to grow sore, which added to his reasons of as to why he despised school.

Actually, the only reason he needed to hate the place was that it existed. Period.

"Wow, that bag looks heavy."

He dropped the bag onto the floor out of surprise (though his face didn't show it) and reeled his head to see Lavi standing there, grinning widely. It had a hint of victory, though it was partially concealed with skill. His surprise turned to hate in less than a nanosecond. "How the _fuck_ did you get in here?"

"The hole in the wall." Lavi jabbed his thumb towards the red curtain behind him. "You know, the one Panda made the other day? This building must have some really cheap plaster for walls if the old man could break it." He was laughing internally. He could tell. "Wow, it never gets old on how this place is so dirty. You should really clean up in here, you know?"

"Why are you here?"

"To the point, eh?" He grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with one hand while the other swayed by his side. "Well, I was wondering if I could eat breakfast with you. We don't have any food yet, considering we just moved in yesterday and Panda is being lazy. He said that I can starve until dinner when he has the time to buy food."

"Good man."

Lavi rolled his eyes before picking up an old take-out box. His face scrunched up in disgust as he dropped it in the trash can. "Okay, when you get out of school and I get done visiting my college, we're gonna clean this place up. We don't want maggots to start looking at this place as the perfect breeding ground, yeah? Anyways, can I please eat breakfast with you? Just this once? _Pleeease?"_

Kanda's glare increased in tenfold, causing the idiotic-redhead to back down. "Jeez, you don't have to go all evil and shit on me! I can get a point without a glare, you know!" His shoulder hunched over purposely as he turned his back on the Japanese man. "I guess I'll just go ahead and starve myself to death… slowly… and no one will care…" He sniffled one of the fakest sniffles Kanda had ever heard before pouting. "…Because Yuu-chan hates me…"

He growled loudly, then threw his hands up in defeat, realizing that if he did nothing the idiot would keep persisting to annoy him. "Fine, fine! You can eat here. On one condition!" Lavi halted his jump for joy. "You do not, I repeat, do not, call me 'Yuu-chan'. Got it?"

"Okay… Yuu," he replied, which resulted in a punch to the face.

Shortly afterwards, Kanda found himself to be cooking pancakes while Lavi decided to pick up what trash he could during the waiting period. Alma was not impressed with Kanda for letting the moron eat breakfast with them, but he held his tongue and just irritably kicked the dirt in Kanda's mind. It had caught his attention, but to keep the pancakes from burning, he ignored his friend and frowned. He would talk to him later, but not now.

A few more minutes passed and Kanda placed two plates onto the table, along with forks, butter knives, and glasses filled with orange juice. He sighed. "Che. Hey, moron over there. Hurry the hell up and eat this already."

"Just a sec, Yuu." He daringly reached under the couch with his bare hand and touched something with his finger. He blinked, then pulled it out into the light. "Hey, what's this?"

Kanda glanced over while digging out the maple syrup and felt his eyes slowly grow wide and his mouth becoming dry. In his hands was a small bottle that had a miniscule amount of liquid in it. Liquid LSD. He dropped the syrup in a careless manner as he rushed over to where Lavi was and snatched the bottle out of his hands. He blinked as Kanda shoved the small bottle into his pocket. "It's nothing that concerns you. Breakfast. Eat. Now."

"Okay, okay…" He lifted his hands in surrender before walking over and sitting down at the table. Kanda released his breath for the first time in forty-five seconds.

'That was way too close, Yuu,' Alma said, having a relieved look upon his face. 'I told you this kid is bad news! We have to get away from him as soon as possible, for your safety.'

_And how do you suggest we do that? All of the other apartments are out of my price range right now. _He picked up the bottle of syrup, put it on the table before sitting down himself, and began eating. _I can't leave, even if I wanted to. Che. We'll just have to deal with him for right now. Besides, he looks like a true idiot. He'll never find out._

Alma fell silent in disagreement as the two at the table ate breakfast slowly. The redhead was flipping through some of Kanda's books (like 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'.) as he ate, only staring at the pages for ten seconds before moving onto the next one.

"Why do you do that?"

Lavi blinked as he turned the page. "Eh?"

"That there. Why are you turning the pages so fast?" Kanda rose from his seat and placed his dirty dishes into the sink before returning to mildly glaring at the idiot. "Che. Those things are meant to be read, not flipped through, you Baka Usagi."

"Oh." He blinked at the book before grinning. "Well, you see, I kinda have this thing called 'photographic memory'." His grin widened. "That's how I remembered you from before. Plus, you kind of stand out, what with the hair and glare and all." He put down his fork and stretched. "_Aaah… _Now that was a good breakfast. Thanks, Yuu."

"I told you not to call me that."

"Why do you have such a problem with me calling you by your first name?"

_Because Alma is the only one I allow to call me that. _"Because the sound of my name coming out of your idiotic mouth makes me sick." He fetched his bag and slipped it around his shoulders before sighing. "Che. Get out of my apartment. I'm going to school."

"Wait, you're leaving already?" Lavi got up and had a slight panicked look on his face, as if he just he remembered something. "Actually, I need to ask you for another favor."

_Holy SHIT this kid is driving me insane! _His upper lip twitched as the college student continued.

"You know I just moved here and everything, right? Well, a few days ago I was scouting around and trying to find where my school was located. In short…" He rubbed the back of his head with unease. It seemed to be a nervous habit. "…I couldn't find it. I kid you not, I looked everywhere, but it seemed to evade me. So, I was wondering if you could help me find it. Please?"

'Let's just go, Yuu. If he's too dumb to find his college, then he deserves to be lost.'

_Che. I suppose you're right. _He frowned. _However, if I just ignore him, he'll keep bugging me like the annoying twat that he is. Sorry, but we're going to help him out this time around._

Alma looked exasperated as Kanda nodded. "Fine. I'll help you out. But just this once!" His glare made the hairs on the back of Lavi's neck rise in fear. "If you can't find your way after I show you, then you deserve to be lost. Got it?"

He nodded. "I only need to be shown once." He tapped the side of his head with his forefinger, grinning widely. "Photographic memory, remember?"

Kanda glared. "Show-off."

~O~

He waited for the redhead outside of his apartment door with his arms folded across his chest. He hated waiting. It was as tedious as bickering with a clock about the aerodynamics of bumblebees. His fingers began twitching as he heard two people on the other side of the door talking. One was Lavi, the other, undoubtedly, was the old man. It didn't sound pleasant, but he couldn't understand them because they were speaking in a language he didn't understand. It shifted from that language to something that sounded like French, then to Chinese, which he did know.

"…_Ni shi hen chun!*" _The door flung open as Lavi stepped out with an irritated look on his face. The old man was yelling at him. Lavi covered his ears.

(*You are really stupid!)

"_Wo bu zai hu! Ni bu hui—*"_

(*I don't care! You can't—)

"_Wo hui de.*"_

(*I can (so).)

Kanda frowned as the two glared at each other with intensity. The old man had nailed down his tones for the language. It must have been learned early for him to have such perfection over it.

"_Qu ba," _the old man said, lighting a cigar. _"Ni xu yao mai shi, Shi Zi.*"_

(Go. You need to buy food, lion (lit. translation of 'Lavi').)

The redhead frowned. _"Ni lao xiong mao…*"_

(*You old panda…)

There was a whack, then a huff. The old man slammed the door shut as the redhead scowled at the door. He turned his head after a moment and grinned at Kanda. "Sorry about that. We start bickering over stupid things, and then we start shifting into multiple languages. It gets confusing after a little while. One time, we even started speaking in Arabic, and at that time, I barely knew how to speak it. It was really confusing."

"Does it look I care?"

"Guess not…" He rubbed the back of his head as they walked down the stairs. "Hey, on the way, could you show me other things around here? Like a grocery store? That would be nice of you if you did."

"What makes you think I'm 'nice'?"

"You've helped me out this far."

To that, Kanda said nothing. He pushed the door open and stepped onto the dust-covered sidewalk. People were scattered about here and there, opening shops and sweeping out the doorway. He always wondered why people did that. It seemed so pointless. Everyone was going to die anyways, so why bother trying to keep everything organized and what not? It was a mystery that he would never solve, or so he thought.

Lavi lagged behind as Kanda pointed out every store that might become important later: The grocery store, the local café where Lenalee worked, the local clinic, quickest way to the hospital, a clothes outlet, and a variety of other things. If he thought they were worth mentioning, he said something of it. Otherwise, he didn't point it out. The redhead was making mental notes in his head for the directions as they continued onwards.

"This town's pretty small," Lavi commented. "I'm surprised they even have a college here."

"Che. Rumor has it that the college has been there for a long time now. It's of historical significance, so no one will tear it down. People say it used to be a castle." He took another step and frowned. "The only downside is that from the apartment building, you have to take the same route as me…" He groaned inside his head. "…and two blocks after the high school is the college. It's slightly obscure because it's surrounded by trees, but if you look hard enough, there's a sign."

"Cool!"

Six or so minutes later, Kanda stepped in front of the high school. Teenagers scattered across the yard, their inconsistent chattering giving him a headache. The building behind them was old, too, though not as old as the college. It was of decent size for a small city, which was good, because he could just blend in with the crowd. He didn't take pleasure in the entire 'standing-out' thing. Solitude was the closest thing to happiness.

"So this is the high school?" Lavi peered over his shoulder and blinked. "Wow, there seems to be a lot of high school kids here. Color me impressed."

"Yeah…" Kanda huffed in annoyance. "Alright, from here, you keep going straight for two blocks. Nothing more, nothing less. The road there is actually a path in the woods, so it's hard to spot. And look for the sign, above all else."

"Right."

Just as he was about to finally get rid of the annoying tag-a-long, Allen decided to come on over and converse with Kanda for the first time ever. The moment he spotted the British teen, he groaned loudly. Lavi blinked and glanced to where Allen was, who was still chewing on a bagel. "Mornin', Ba-Kanda. Who's this?" He raised an eyebrow at the sight of the redhead. "Is this your only friend? Wow, I'm shocked anyone is able to put up with you, given how you're an ass and everything."

"Are you speaking from personal experience, _Moyashi?" _

"Oh, good one! That's the only good one you're going to ever get within the next millennium."

The two had a glaring contest as Lavi found himself caught in the middle. "Uh, guys?"

"Oh, right!" Allen pushed Kanda out of the way and observed the redhead for what he was worth. "Well, there doesn't seem to be any injuries on him, and he's been following you around." He munched up another piece of his bagel before snapping his fingers. "Ah! I get it now! You must be Ba-Kanda's boyfriend, right? Otherwise, you should be dead by now. It all makes since to me now!"

"What the _fuck_ are you on, Moyashi?" The Japanese man snarled as he grabbed the smaller teen by the collar. "Boyfriend? This stupid idiot? Hell no! I hate people, period, so what makes you think I have the slightest infatuation for him?"

"He's not dead."

"Neither are you. Yet."

"And he's not hurt, either," he pointed out, finishing his bagel. "Generally, you commit random acts of violence onto me and anyone who pisses you off. Going by the consensus, I have in front of me— he's not dead and not hurt —you must care about him. Therefore—"

Unsurprisingly, Kanda decked Lavi in the mouth. "Therefore what, Moyashi? What?"

"Ow! Yuu, that hurt…" The redhead staggered back up onto his feet before frowning. "I should probably start going to my college if I want to make it for my meeting. Thanks for showing me around, Yuu."

_No! Don't say that! Don't—_

"'Yuu'?" Allen repeated, a devil's smirk playing on his lips. "Did he just call you _'Yuu'? _As in your first name? As in the name that will get you pain in more than nine thousand ways if you say it to your face? And he said it twice!" He held up two fingers and grinned. "Are you sure he's not your boyfriend? Because it seems pretty obvious to me."

"Go to fucking hell!"

"Oh, you wish, Ba-Kanda."

Lavi felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of his face as the Japanese man glared at him with a look that read, 'this-is-all-your-fault'. He grinned sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head. "Erm, whoever you are… Bean sprout."

"It's actually Allen."

"Yeah. Yuu and I are actually not like that. I just moved in next door to him and he just showed me around, that's all. It's more of a friend thing. Only for him, not so much the friend and more of the pain in the ass. You know?"

"Yeah, yeah." Allen waved a dismissive hand. "Keep telling yourselves that. Ba-Kanda doesn't put up with anyone, no matter what. Mutual hatred all around, even if you just met him."

"I think it's time for you to leave, Baka Usagi. _Now." _

Chills rushed up his back from the glare coming in his direction. "Y-Yeah, that idea suddenly sounds appealing. I'll see you after school, okay, Yuu?"

_Son of a bitch! _Kanda groaned as the redhead left, leaving him with the devil's child that was named Allen Walker. _You just had to fucking say that, didn't you, Baka? Just fucking had to. Che._ He glanced over to the white-haired teen and glared dangerously. "Whatever idea you are getting in your head, get rid of it. There is nothing between us, you dumb ass. And so help me God, if you start spreading around the idea to all of your idiot friends, I will fucking kill you all."

"Ooh, scary." He started to run as he yelled, "Hey, everyone, guess what? Kanda Yuu is gay!"

'I told you we should have moved,' Alma commented as the Japanese man felt his reputation crushed in matter of seconds.

~O~

Woo-hoo, Chapter 4, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! You guys have been really good to me with the reviewing and all! I'm sorry that these days I can't reply to all of you. One of these days I will! Someday! Somehow! Well, see you later in Chapter 5! —Mr. Ree


	5. Cleaning Out

Ever tried melting different waxes together? It's really freaking cool. Yo! Welcome to Chapter 5 of 'Drugtionary'! A special thanks to all who reviewed for last chapter (thus far XD;): Marufu-chan, Grinss, TheSeventhLie, and Brigette Janine! You have no idea how much reviews make me happy, along with the favorites and what have you. I feel like people actually care. -sniffles-Well, anyways! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 5 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

5. Cleaning Out

After attempting to maim Allen with a butter knife, Kanda found himself waiting in the office for Leverrier, the headmaster, to show up. Apparently, attempting to try to stab someone with a butter knife was a cause for concern. He frowned as the main bell rang. He was going to miss his first class, just as he expected.

The room itself smelled of coffee grounds and old gum as the shabby-looking door opened. Leverrier stood there, arms on his imaginary hips, and glared down at Kanda in a superior fashion. He returned the glare for all it was worth and entered the room, where the so-called 'headmaster' worked. Leverrier closed the door behind him and sat down at his desk as Kanda stood there with his arms folded across his chest.

"You have caused this school many problems in the past," he began, pulling out a plate full of delicious-looking sweets. Kanda, however, hated sweets, so he didn't care about their presence. "You have behavioral issues to begin with. Teachers often file complaints about you as well. Then, during a recent field-trip, you decided to run off without a teacher's permission." His gaze rose from the plate and glared at the raven-haired teen. "And now, you tried to stab your own classmate with a butter knife. Tell me, do you think you can run the school and get away with whatever you want?"

'He's really being an ass today, huh?' Alma frowned. 'Man, if he really were an Akuma, we'd be able to kill him.'

_If wishes were horses… _He sighed. _Is that an indirect hint for me to play with you some time today? Because I'm up for it later, after that moron comes over and tries to clean up my damn apartment. Doesn't he know I don't really give a shit about whether or not my apartment is clean?_

'But you were just thinking about cleaning it the other day.'

_Shut u—_

"Are you even listening to me?" Leverrier slammed a fist onto the table, which caught his attention. "If you don't get your act together, sir, then you will be suspended, or even maybe expelled. Is that what you want? To get expelled?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Kanda sneered as he took a step back towards the door. "I didn't know your lame-ass speech was still going on. I was thinking about important things, like how to blow this fucking place into smithereens. But you, Mr. Hitler-Look-Alike, are obviously too pompous to even care. You are just a low-ranking tyrant trying to move his way up in the world. Well guess what? I don't want a part of it."

"You little…!" Leverrier rose from his seat and glared at him. "You are going to regret that you ever said that to me!"

"Oh, am I?" A mocking grin played perfectly upon his face. "What are you going to do? Expel me? Call my imaginary parents and relatives? Try to hit me? Call the cops? Whatever. Anything you do won't bother me at all." He opened the door and looked back to see Leverrier looking irate. "You might want to shave that moustache, though. I did not start the entire Hitler thing. But then again, it suits you, what with you being a gigantic prick and all. See you."

'Nice one, Yuu!' Alma grinned as Kanda walked out of the room and into the main hall. It was empty, much to his relief. A crowded hall was not his idea of fun. He passed the classroom he should have entered and headed straight for the chemistry lab. He didn't see the point in attending classes anymore. Leverrier was just going to get him kicked out, anyways, now that he attacked him in a verbal manner.

He walked up three flights of stairs and a short stack of them before entering the science wing. Freshmen classes already took two out of the three labs. He grimaced and ducked under the windows as he made his way to the third one. It was locked, much to his amusement. Did they honestly think they could keep him out if he wanted in? He pulled out a paperclip from his pocket and bent it a bit before it looked dependable. He put it in the lock and, within twenty or so seconds, successfully unlocked the said-door and allowed himself in.

The tables were stuck to the ground, the tops being a hard, black stone. Stains covered the tabletop from a variety of spilled chemicals. Bunsen burners were on each of them, probably because of the last experiment the previous class had. Flasks lined the front desk with random letters squiggled on the sides with red ink, each filled at least halfway with clear or blue liquid. Eyedroppers were there, too, as a lab sheet left behind read, "Atomic Mass of CuCO3 = 14.768 grams/mole".

He put his bag on one of the tables after clearing it away of the unnecessary clutter before digging out the bottles. Luckily, they kept a stash of lysergic acid for one of the labs, so he didn't need to get any himself. So long as he was in school, he got it for free, and quite easily at that.

_Alma, I need about an hour or so to fill these all up. _He found the bottle labeled "Lysergic Acid" on the side. It was nearly full, to his luck. _Keep an eye and an ear out for me, will you? I can't be making this and make sure no one is coming. _

'Aye aye, captain!'

_And don't act like an idiot._

Silence ensued as Kanda found all the ingredients needed and proceeded to make the hallucinogenic drug. It was like reading the alphabet to him now. Before, he had to have a list of instructions in his hands in order to make it, but he had finally committed it to memory, which made the process simpler and faster. He filled up about twenty of the little bottles when Alma began pounding at the side of his head.

'Someone's coming!'

He snapped his head up and grimaced as he shoved the bottles into his bag ducked under the table. Light footsteps entered the room, almost cautiously, and walked about. The footsteps stopped as a voice whispered, "You can come out, Kanda. I'm not going to rat you out."

_Lenalee? _He began to rise as he bonked his head on the desk, which caused him to curse quietly. The Chinese girl walked over to the sound and gave him an annoyed look. He crawled out from under the desk and stood up, brushing the dirt off his knees. "What?"

"There's a rumor going around the school about you. Two, actually," Lenalee said, sighing. "The first one is that you're gay, which I know Allen-kun started like a fool that he is." He twitched uncontrollably as she continued. "The second one is that Leverrier is going to get you expelled. What happened, Kanda? I know he called you in for trying to stab Allen-kun…"

"Che. I told him how I really felt about him."

"Oh, God, Kanda." She clasped her hands onto her cheeks, making a worried expression that he hated. "You know better than to cross Leverrier! Did you hear what happened to that one kid who told him off? His bodyguards— you know, those people who call themselves 'Crows' —assassinated him in his own house. Ever since then, people have feared to even question twice about his judgment." She glanced over at the door when there was a 'thud' sound, but it turned out to be someone accidentally dropping his or her book. "You have to be more careful, Kanda."

"I'm more worried about the other rumor," he muttered under his breath as he hefted the bag up over his shoulder. "Listen, Lenalee. If they try to kill me, they would be doing me a favor. It's a bit earlier than I planned, but my death would be a good thing, not a bad thing. You of all people should know that." He began putting the bottles away as she stared at him in disbelief.

"You're ridiculous!" she cried, grabbing him by the backpack. "I'm not going to let you get yourself killed! You're one of my friends, and I actually do care about what happens to you, despite what you may think!" Tears welled up in her eyes, which caused him to stop trying to get away and to do a double take. He hated it when people cried, and Lenalee crying was the worst. "I care about you like I care about Allen-kun! If you die, I would be so upset. I wouldn't know what to do with myself."

He stared at her for a few seconds before turning away and walking towards the door. He stopped just before he exited. "You caring about me was your first mistake. When I get expelled from here and leave permanently, I make one request of you." He turned back to see her crying without a care of how ridiculous she looked. "You are to forget who I am, because I could honestly care less about you. My life is my burden, no one else's."

"Is… that so?" she said, staring at the floor. "Do you really think you can just live by yourself for the rest of your life? Alone?" She raised her head, looking angry. He had never seen her angry before, just annoyed, and that was mildly upsetting. Seeing her angry made the back of his neck crawl with an unfamiliar fear. "You think you can get by without friends? Or rather, real friends?" She glared as she walked towards him. "You're the stupidest person I know if you think you can."

"I know I can."

She stopped in front of him and stared for a few moments before bowing her head. "In that case… I'll pray. I'll pray that someone out there will show you that you're wrong. I'll pray for someone to love you so much that you can't resist them. I want someone to make you happy." She looked up at him and smiled faintly. "I want someone to prove you wrong, that's all."

He snorted. "Some prayers go unanswered."

"But some of them _are _answered," she retaliated.

"Whatever." He stepped out into the hallway and frowned as the bell rang. Students began rushing out of their classrooms to get to their next class. "Che. I'll see you later, Lenalee."

"I'll be praying, Kanda!" she yelled over the buzz of the crowd.

_Good luck with that, _he thought.

~O~

In the end, he returned to his apartment and tripped on acid. Level Two Akuma were beginning to make more and more of an appearance, which was good. He was sick of dealing with the incredibly weak Level One Akuma. Level Two's at least had interesting abilities. However, he and Alma still managed to kill all of them (Final Score: Alma, 76. Kanda, 54.), despite the Japanese man's slightly distracted attitude. Alma asked if it was because of what Lenalee had said, but he denied it.

It was around three in the afternoon when there was a knock on the door. He laid still, hoping that whoever it was would just go away, but it persisted. Groaning, he got up off the floor and trudged over to the door. He already had a feeling on who it was. He was just hoping it was someone else. However, when he opened the door, his wish was denied. Lavi stood there, grinning like an idiot. "Heya, Yuu-chan!"

"Che." He didn't want to repeat himself again about Lavi calling him that, so he just glared and allowed the moron to come in.

'Wait a minute, you're letting him come in here?' Confusion struck the kid in his brain. 'I thought we agreed we weren't going to let him bug us anymore! I thought we were going to ignore him from this morning on out! What the hell, Yuu?'

_He said he was going to help clean my apartment. He's doing it for free. So quit whining._

'But he's bad news, Yuu! Are you even listening to me? Yuu!'

Kanda ignored the voice inside his head as Lavi placed his bag in the corner and grinned. "I bought food for the old panda, so he shouldn't be bitching anymore. Pretty cool, huh?" He pulled out a small box that looked like ice cream and tossed it to Kanda, who caught it with one hand. "That's my thank you for showing me around and letting me eat breakfast with you. You really saved me there."

"Che." He took the ice cream and put it in his freezer before sighing. "So, how much cleaning are we going to do? Because I'm tired and I have places to go this evening that I can't just sleep through."

"I figured you could start washing the mountain of dishes while I take care of the floor and what not in the living room." He started fishing through his bag again as he spoke. "I brought you some dish soap, because I noticed you were out. Here."

Kanda frowned as he took the bottle of blue soap from the idiot's hands and headed towards the kitchen. He placed the bottle onto the table before beginning to stack the dishes. There were far too many dirty ones. He couldn't even remember the last time he washed them, because he often ate out instead of in. He glanced over to see Lavi already starting to get the floor picked up.

After the dishes were stacked, he turned on the hot water and waited patiently for it to get warm. He stared at the flow until he blinked once and looked closer. The water was starting to become pink. He rubbed at his eyes to get rid of it, only it made the water darker in color. It was getting incredibly close to red. Soon, the thickness became like that of blood. It sputtered and splattered over the sink, dying the once-silver color into an unpleasing red. He couldn't help but to take a step back and take deep breaths. _It's just a hallucination! _He stared at the water in shock. _A hallucination! Get yourself together, Kanda!_

"Yuu-chan?" Lavi walked over after he noticed the man was panting and staring at the water as if it were poison. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He took another deep breath before blinking slowly. The water changed back to its regular color. He walked back over to the sink and placed his hand under the water. It was warm enough to start washing the dishes, that was for sure. "Nothing," he repeated, then began to wash the cups first.

"Okay…?" The redhead frowned before returning to picking up the floor. "Hey, that bean sprout kid didn't really think we were… _dating_, did he? Because he's wrong."

A low scowl emitted from the man's snarling lips. "Not only did he think that, he told the entire high school. Che. I can never show my face there normally again. Even Lenalee found out, and that's bad, because she hates gossip."

"Ah." He picked up a pair of socks and placed them on the growing pile of dirty clothes in the corner. "Did you kill him?"

"Tried to with a butter knife. Next time, I'm bringing my sword."

The statement got a laugh out of the redhead as the two fell into silence and worked on getting the place clean. Kanda had gotten sick of washing the dishes after twenty minutes, which shocked Alma, who knew that he had a very low patience. He stuck with it, however, and within an hour and a half, the dishes were washed, dried, and stacked neatly in the cupboards.

'Wow, I didn't know you had it in you, Yuu!' He clapped in the back of his head. 'You really finished all of them!'

Kanda stared at the dishes for a moment longer before closing the cupboard door and yawning. He glanced over to the living room and blinked once. Then twice. He stared at the now-clean floor and the five trash bags near the door as Lavi finished organizing the books on the bookshelf. He grinned to himself before glancing over and seeing Kanda. "Heya, Yuu-chan! Did you finish the dishes yet?"

"How the hell did you do that so fast?"

'Oh, please,' Alma huffed. 'It's nothing special. I could have done that quickly, too, if I were in a tangible body.'

"I just did, I guess." He pointed to the trash bags. "I always had one in hand with me so that I didn't have to keep returning to the trash can. The dirty clothes are in the washer. They should be done in about…" He glanced at his watch and did the math in his head. "Five or so minutes. Your books are organized, and I moved some stuff around so that it looks better. I fixed that broken alarm clock while I was at it, so it should work now. Lastly, I washed down the walls so that they are actually white, not some off-white. I think it's safe to say that the living room is done."

The Japanese man blinked. He couldn't recall the last time his living room was actually clean, which was probably a bad thing. The redhead grinned before wiping a bead of sweat away from his cheek. His eye scanned the floor up and down before snapping his fingers. "Ah! I forgot to do the most important thing! Yuu, do you have a vacuum anywhere?" Before he got a chance to speak, he answered for him. "No. Okay, you start washing down the table, and I'll go see if I can find mine."

He squeezed through the small hole and disappeared behind the red curtain, leaving Kanda to stand there with a dumb look on his face. _Wow. The walls used to be white? I never knew that._

Alma rolled his eyes. 'Stop being so amazed. They're just walls. I guess it's a good thing we're cleaning, because we're going to move soon, yeah?'

_Yeah. _He frowned at the thought, though he didn't know why. Moving seemed like such a hassle, and he had just gotten the place about six months ago. He returned to the kitchen and got a wet washcloth before scrubbing down the table. The dust that resided upon it quickly faded, much to his enjoyment. _Hah! Take that, wannabe dust bunnies! You didn't stand a chance against me, did you? No! You didn't! Hah!_

'Yuu? Are you feeling okay?'

_Truth be told, no. _He yawned loudly as he washed down the counter, the old stains slowly lifting up each time he went over. _I'm really tired. Maybe it's because of having to deal with Lenalee and her fucked-up delusions of what's going to happen. I mean, really, me liking someone other than you? _He rolled his eyes. _Never going to happen. Ever._

'You mean it?' Alma developed puppy-eyes that one would have called cute if they weren't Kanda.

_Che. Of course I do, retard. Otherwise, I wouldn't have said it. _He grabbed a broom and began sweeping the floor out of boredom. Crumbs and a variety of unknown objects began to form a pile as he yawned again. _Do I have a sale today? Because if not, I'm going to bed._

'Uh, if today's Friday, yeah.' Alma flipped through a small pad of paper and had a pen in his mouth. 'You've got those yahoos from the Science Department place. Tapp, Johnny, Reever… and, uh… some others whose names I forget.' He put the pad of paper down and grinned. 'Kind of the last people you'd expect to buy drugs illegally, but I hear they're running low on budget money due to coffee. I wonder what they use the LSD for, anyways? I know they don't use.'

_Scientific experiments. What else? _He swept the dirt into a dustbin before dumping it in the trash. He yawned loudly as Lavi came back in with a vacuum cleaner. Alma huffed in annoyance.

'I don't know why, but I can't stand him.'

_Che. Neither can I, but he's fucking persistent. _

The redhead vacuumed and made the rug look actually green when he was done. He grinned. "Okay, _now_ the living room is done. How's the kitchen?" He looked past Kanda and nodded. "Yeah, that looks good… Yuu-chan, are you okay? You look really tired."

"None of your goddamn business. What time is it?"

"Uh… Fifteen minutes 'til five. You said something about going out later?"

"Che. Not until another four hours or so." He yawned. "What else do we need to do? The kitchen looks fine, the living room looks fine… Don't even think about going into my room. The bathroom is alright, because that's the one thing I do keep in tact…" He yawned again. "Didn't you say something earlier about laundry, Baka Usagi?"

"Yeah. Lemme just go get that."

He left as Kanda approached the couch and laid down. _Damn, I think running last night was a bad idea._ He yawned again as his eyes had the sudden urge to close and enter him into a dream world. _I need…watashi… neru… nngh… Shit, if I'm speaking Japanese in my thoughts, then I'm definitely tired. _His body slowly relaxed as the noises of people talking just became farther and farther away. His eyes closed shut, and Kanda could not get them back open no matter how hard he tried.

"Alright, I folded the laundry— Yuu?" Lavi blinked as he looked around the room. He spotted him on the couch after a moment and walked over to him, confused. "Yuu-chan, are you sleeping? Hey." He shook his shoulder a little bit, but the man didn't rouse. He frowned. "I knew you didn't look good, but didn't you say something about going out later?" He poked the man before sighing. "Alright, fine, fall asleep, see if I care…"

He stood up and glanced at the alarm clock he fixed. He walked over and pressed the alarm button before setting the time: "8:30". He looked back at Kanda, then went into his room. It was a mess, yes, but he managed to find a blanket anyways. He walked back into the living room and draped the blanket over the sleeping man. He stared at him for a few seconds.

_Damn, I wish I were that pretty when I slept. That's not fair. _He pouted to himself as he took the laundry down into Kanda's room and began organizing his disaster of a closet. He finished in less than a half an hour and nodded to himself. _Not bad, not bad. _He glanced at his watch and frowned. _Guess I should start unpacking the stuff I have, then. Oh well…_

He returned to the living room and made his way to the red curtain. He paused to look back at Kanda. "Sweet dreams, Yuu-chan," he whispered, then ducked into his own apartment where many boxed awaited to greet him.

~O~

Woo-hoo! Chapter 5, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It is very greatly appreciated! ^.^ Now, if you excuse me, I need to find something to eat. I'm hungry. Grilled meat sounds good. Or maybe even some noodles…? Well, see you later in Chapter 6! —Mr. Ree

* Neru = Sleep in Japanese(?). I'm still learning, so yeah... XD


	6. Planted Bait

Deletion of this chapter count: 4. Ugh. Well, anyways, welcome to Chapter 6 of 'Drugtionary'! It's a very special thing, considering the plot (OMGASP) starts this chapter, and crazy things ensue. Special thanks to those who review (26, and only on Chapter 5! Madness!): Brigette Janine (whose review made me laugh loudly. XD), Marufu-chan, MuffinStealer, Grinss (if I kill Alma now I have no story! XD), PlayfulSylph, and Ninja Mafia Mistress. Thank you so very much! Well, anyways, let us commence forthwith with Chapter 6 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

6. Planted Bait

The constant beeping of an annoying piece of technology roused him from his slumber. He was groggy and pissed, which was never a good combination. Thoughts tried to form as he rolled over and stared at the couch for a moment before things became clearer. He sat up, blinking, as the beeping continued. Why was the alarm clock going off in the first place? He knew he didn't set it, because he just crashed. In addition, why was there a blanket covering him? None of this made sense.

'Yuu, you've got thirty minutes before the meeting with the Science Department freaks!' Alma yelled over the beeping. The Japanese man huffed and slammed his fist upon the alarm clock, causing it to fall silent. He stared at it and frowned.

_I really don't want to go out tonight, though. _He stood up, shoving the blanket off him, and proceeded to the kitchen. The lights were out, so he felt his way around the walls until he was able to find a switch. The light flickered on, illuminating over the now-clean room. _Can't they just wait until tomorrow? My back is sore, and it looks like it's going to rain soon._

'Now, now, Yuu.' His friend waved his pointer finger back and forth, wearing a suck-it-up-and-deal face. 'You know better. If you leave your customers out in the dark, they'll leave and find someone else. You are the cheapest of the dealers here, and making them go elsewhere is mean. So get up off of your lazy arse and go.'

He grunted before nodding. _Alright, alright, I'll go. But you owe me big-time._

Alma only laughed as Kanda grabbed his bag and slung it around his shoulders. His back protested but he promptly ignored it and continued to grab his gear. He grabbed additional bottles, just in case (he never knew the exact amount for the Science Department), shoved them in his bag, and headed out. He locked the door and walked down the hall, shifting glances from side to side. He paused at Lavi's apartment.

_Maybe he put the blanket on me and set the alarm clock… _He stared at the door for a long moment, biting his lower lip out of confusion. _Why would he do that? No one does that. No one. _He stared at the door and hesitated to take another step. _Che. Whatever. He's an idiot. Idiots always make mistakes. However, I wonder why I didn't wake up. Whenever someone touches me, or even brushes up against me, I wake up. _

'Maybe you were just really tired?'

_Maybe. _Kanda sighed and walked down the stairs, confusion still in his system. He couldn't wrap his head around it. The concept was off, too. He shoved the thought aside as he stepped onto the sidewalk, walking towards the place he always resided. He had to focus on his job, not some ridiculous concepts.

There was a slight nip in the temperature, his breath coming in small puffs as he exhaled. Night was the best time of day, even if that didn't make sense. Clouds were gathering in the sky, the occasional rumble of thunder indicating the oncoming storm. He definitely did not want to become stranded in the storm, though at this point, it looked like he was not going to get lucky. A flash of cloud-to-cloud lightning lit up the sky as he proceeded onwards, the chill causing him to shiver slightly. It shouldn't be thundering in October, and it was a wee-bit cold for it to be occurring. He grimaced as it started raining and increased his pace towards the bar.

The alley was empty, not to his surprise, as he put up his hood (luckily, he remembered to bring his sweatshirt) to help him shield against the rain. He waited impatiently as the rain increased in a down-pouring way. Alma shivered slightly, hugging himself as Kanda just stared on in his way. Rain or not, they would show up.

Few minutes passed as people with umbrellas approached him in a dismal or ashamed way. They were definitely desperate for the LSD if they were coming to him. Reever led the group as the other two remained silent. One seemed to be missing, or perhaps it was just his imagination. Either way, they were there, and that was all that mattered.

"Che. How much tonight?"

Reever glanced feverishly from side to side, making sure no one was watching them, such as cops. It made him laugh, because he knew no cops liked to come down that way. "Could we get about ten bottles worth?"

He raised an eyebrow and opened his bag, fishing out ten of the bottles and handing them to him. In return, Reever handed him money. Johnny, who was behind him, was tugging at the man's coat in desperation of getting out of there. The Australian man bowed slightly as the three rushed out of desperation. No time for chat, obviously. Not that Kanda cared. It was raining and cold and wet, and he didn't like any of those things, or rather, not at the moment.

He sneezed and coughed as he left the alley, half-tempted to run towards his apartment. He coughed again before hearing tires squeal and a loud 'crash' noise nearby. He glanced over his shoulder to see a car smashed into a streetlight. He stared for a moment longer before starting to keep walking when he bumped into somebody, causing him to take a step back.

"Kanda."

He blinked and looked up to see Skin, along with Jasdero. David wasn't there, but it didn't matter. These two alone were enough to handle. They didn't look mad, however, so he was probably safe… for now. "Che. What?"

"The Earl wants to meet you, _eeeee~" _Jasdero squealed loudly. A pink umbrella was in his hands with a pumpkin on top of it. "He wishes to meet with you Sunday night, _eee~ _At the address enclosed. His wishes are enclosed in it, too, _eeee~"_

He handed the Japanese man a vanilla envelope while he blinked at them, confused. He accepted it and hugged it close to his side. Skin and Jasdero nodded at him before going into a black (western?) car and sped off. Kanda glanced over to where the car crashed and paused. The car wasn't there. There was no broken glass or anything. It was completely void of any cars.

He stood there in the rain, his heart pounding. Hallucinations, though they were evident when he was tripping, were becoming an often occurrence even without the drug. He shook his head from side to side before getting himself together and walked back to his apartment building, coughing furiously. He was dripping wet by the time he got to the door, though the contents of the envelope were probably still dry. Not bothering to wait, he opened the seal and pulled the letter out. The writing was in cursive lettering that seemed to have taken years to master. It read as follows:

"_Mr. Kanda,_

_It has come to my attention that you could be useful to our assets. We know of your trade and your history with drugs. We know you tried selling a variety of things with ease until you settled on LSD. We also know that you use, too. _

_What I want is simple: I want you to join the Noah. We are in need of members, and you are perfect for the job. Yes, you will be out of your home often and possibly moving around a lot, however I believe I can make an offer that I doubt you will refuse. Within joining the Noah, we will give you the share of everything we earn. As a starting pay, I am willing to give you $25,000. Your pay depends on what you do and how much you sell. We do not play games, Mr. Kanda._

_I certainly hope you arrive to my place, which is located in the main square of this city. Of course, living here is only temporary. It is at the largest hotel here (the Grandworth, tenth floor). I expect you to arrive at 8:00 exactly. Fail to show up on time, and the deal is off._

_I am hoping for a favorable answer, Mr. Kanda._

—_The Earl"_

It took him a moment to digest the information. _Twenty-five… thousand dollars? _Kanda felt his eyes grow wide at the thought, his jaw slightly agape by the given information. _That's… This has to be a joke. There is no fucking way that this is real. This has to be a joke. _

'The Earl signed it himself, though.' Alma shrugged. 'Last I checked, the Earl wasn't one for jokes. He's a dangerous man, Yuu. He is the head of the second-largest drug cartel in the country. I don't think he would lie about that. You know, now that I think of it…' He tapped his finger on his chin as his look turned to pondering. '…we don't even know who the number one group is. I bet the Noah know, but you and I don't. They're like enigmas or something.'

_Che. I have a feeling that the Noah and the number one drug cartel are rivals. _He shoved the letter into his pocket and headed up the stairs, his shoes making a squishing sound, much to his annoyance. The hall seemed longer than normal as he approached his door and dug out pocket lint. He blinked, then felt his pockets.

'What's the matter, Yuu?'

_My keys._ He felt his pockets for a second time before trying to turn the doorknob. It was locked fast. He grimaced. _I lost my keys. And I don't have a paperclip to pick it. Shit!_ He groaned loudly as he slid down the wall, frowning. _Just my fucking luck to lock myself out of my own goddamn apartment_. _I'm generally good about that sort of thing. Fuck. _

'Can't you kick the door down?'

_Fuck that. I want to keep my door in tact. _He stared at the opposite wall while banging his head up against the door, coughing. He knew he had one other option, though he didn't want to do it, no matter what. However, the options were dwindling. With no paperclip or keys and not wanting to break down the door, he had to. He rose from where he was sitting and approached his neighbor's door.

'You're kidding me. You're not gonna ask _him _for help, are you?' Alma had a look of disgust on his face. 'Yuu, I knew you would steep low sometimes, but this is a new record. If you talk to him, he'll never shut up and we'll never get to sleep! Not that it matters, since tomorrow is Saturday, but hey…'

_What the fuck else do you suggest I do, Alma? _He knocked on the door and waited impatiently, chewing his lower lip out of annoyance. He coughed while waiting. _Sit in the hall until the cows come home? I ain't got no fucking key, and he has the hole in the wall leading to my apartment. I got no other choices._

'I wish you did.'

Kanda rolled his eyes and sneezed. On the other side of the door was the sound of feet shuffling, a stumble, a thud, and a groan, then more shuffling until the door swung open wide, revealing a redhead who looked slightly tired. He yawned loudly and used the door as support as he spoke in a slurred voice. "Whoizzit?"

"If you actually opened your fucking eyes, you'd see."

"Oh. Hiya Yuu," he said while yawning. "Whazde matter? Why're you here?"

He inhaled deeply before answering. "I locked myself out of my own apartment, and I was hoping I could crawl through the hole in our wall to get back into my room."

At that, the redhead's eye opened, then widened. "Yuu, you're dripping wet and your face is all red! Did you stand out in the rain or something? Wearing wet clothes will earn you a cold, you know!"

"Answer my fucking question." He stifled a cough, slightly pissed at the fake-concern he was receiving. It was obvious that it was fake, he could see it in his eye. Though a little bit of caring did manage to shine through. He shook that thought away and continued to speak for his objective. "Can I go through the hole?"

Lavi looked over his shoulder and frowned. "'Fraid not, Yuu. Panda moved the couch there and decided to crash there tonight. I'm not gonna face his wrath, and I'm not allowing you to face his wrath, either. Trust me, when you wake him up in the middle of his sleep, he goes bat-shit crazy. Come on in. And take off your shoes."

He glared before coughing and taking off his shoes. The main room was still cluttered with moving boxes. Some were torn open, some were labeled 'Bookman' and others 'Lavi'. The kitchen was neater with very little boxes, though newspapers that were scattered on the table made it a mess. Two doors were closed, one labeled 'Lavi's Room' and the other 'Bookman's Room', both written on torn-out lined paper and taped to it.

"If he has a room," Kanda started before sneezing, "why doesn't he sleep there?"

"Because he put a lot of boxes in his room, most of which are books. My room is organized, though." He opened his door and grinned. "Since you can't get into your room, do you wanna crash here for tonight? In the morning, we'll move the couch when Panda is up and you'll be able to get to your room."

'No no no no no!' Alma tugged at the inside of his mind. 'No! We can't stay here, it's bad luck! C'mon, Yuu, we can't stay here!'

A rumble of thunder made him grimace as he continued to try to convince him from staying at the redhead's place for the night. Alma, I really don't want to sleep in the hallway tonight. I don't feel up to it. Otherwise, I would have been all for it.

'Liar!' Alma was on the verge of tears. 'You're betraying me! If you really were my friend, you'd stop talking to him, period! I don't like him one bit, Yuu! Not one bit! I hate him! Please, for me…' He looked down onto the black ground and muffled a sob. 'Just this once, listen to me… he's bad news, Yuu… Please…'

_Dammit, Alma! Don't do this to me!_

He ignored him and continued with his little plea. An internal war raged on as his head spun out of dizziness. Maybe he did catch a cold, after all. There was nothing he could do about it. He had no other clothes on hand and he had locked himself out of his apartment. Lavi watched as the man continued to delegate. Finally, his mouth opened and let out a quiet, "Fuck you, Baka Usagi. I'm not taking your fake charity."

"Hey? Yuu, I really don't think it's okay for you to take care of yourself right now—!"

Kanda left the apartment and grasped the wall for support. He was dizzy and wet and felt terrible. However, he knew he could take care of himself. He always did and always would, and Alma would cheer him from the background. He stared at the wall before feeling his knees give out on him. He wasn't going to make it out of the hallway, let alone the building.

'Yuu, you look awful!'

_Thanks… for stating the obvious, moron… Che…_

'Yuu—?'

He allowed his eyes to close and for his mind to slip out of consciousness in the silence of the hallway, where only the hum over the overhead lights could be heard. He knew he could take care of himself with no one else's help. No matter what.

~O~

"Thanks, guys." David sat in the driver's seat, steering the black Cadillac along the deserted roads of the small city. He had expected more traffic, but the rain probably doused out most people's desire to go out. "So you delivered the envelope?"

"Of course, eeee~" Jasdero played with the switches inside the car, turning on the air conditioning and turning it off. "Do you think he'll show?"

"Of course." David grinned as they approached a main road and headed towards their temporary home. "Out of the fourteen of us who were invited, all of us accepted. Well, thirteen accepted and stayed."

The car feel silent as the constant beat of rain and thunder and the hum of the engine roared in their ears. Skin was staring out the window as Jasdero twiddled his thumbs out of nervousness. David kept his eyes on the road. _The Fourteenth still has a bad name among us, I see._ He turned on the blinker and turned right. _Ever since he left three years ago, the youngest of us all aside from Rhode, the Earl has always been trying to get back at him, in his own way. He tried to convince the Fourteenth to come back, but he refused, and created his own group. They are now the largest cartel in the country, with the Fourteenth as the leader. _

They arrived at the ornate hotel called "Grandworth" and got out of the car. One of the hotel workers took the keys out of David's hand and drove it to the parking lot as the three walked in. From the ceiling hung many chandeliers that had gems dangling from them. Shrubs were in the corners of the main hall as the hotel attendant— a young, beautiful German woman who was slightly clumsy —smiled at them. They bowed their heads and walked up the ten flights of stairs before arriving to the first-class rooms. They had reserved the largest of them all, or rather, the Earl did.

_And when the Fourteenth did that… _David opened the door and allowed them in to see the Earl eating cake. For a man who loved his sweets, he stayed thinner than expected, but not too thin. _…the Earl never fully recovered. He wants the Fourteenth back by his side, though I doubt that will ever happen. Now that I think of it, I don't think I ever met the Fourteenth. I don't even know his real name…_

"Ah! Welcome back, David, Jasdero, Skin," the Earl greeted. He was plopping many sugar cubes into his coffee again. It seemed to be a bad habit. "I take it that the drop-off of the letter was a success?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Very good." He picked up the sugar-filled tea and drank it, which made Skin salivate and the other two cringe out of disgust. "I will expect to see him in two day's time. Until then, we shall relax."

"Earl, Earl! Play with me!"

The high, chipper-voiced girl jumped onto the Earl's back and laughed loudly. The Earl did not look too pleased, though David didn't care. He was too tired to care. It was late in the evening, and all he wanted to do was sleep.

"So, Earl," Rhode began, hopping off of his back and sitting down in the chair across from him, "when we get Kanda to become a part of us, where are we going next? I mean, we are one of the world's largest drug sellers. Don'tcha think hanging out in this hick town will make us bored? I mean, we've been here a week and I'm playing as a student! And poor Tyki has to stay until the school year is over!"

The Earl raised an eyebrow. "Are you bored, Rhode?"

"Well, true, I've got Allen-kun," she replied, licking a lollipop she got from a vendor earlier that day. "He's super-cute! Can I keep him when we leave?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Awww…"

The Earl rose from his seat and began walking towards the ornate table that was the centerpiece of the overly large room. "However, when we do leave, we will have gained a valuable asset to our collection. Rhode, from here you will go to Greece and establish a meeting with their minister. I hear they are having troubles there."

"Yippee!" She spun in circles out of joy. "Thanks, Millennium Earl!"

"Jasdero, David, you two have England."

"What?" They both cried in unison.

"You need to go there to see whose becoming part of the Parliament, all right? Do not question me."

They took in a deep breath and sighed. "Yes, Millennium Earl."

"Skin, you and Wisely will go to Russia. You already know your instructions."

They both bowed out of respect, Skin still gnawing on his sugarcoated fudgesicle.

"Sadly, that's all I have for right now. The rest of you will be going back to Japan, aside from Tyki and his brother." He tapped his top hat while yawning. "I'll think of something. Good night and sleep well."

With that, he retired to his room. He knew Kanda would come to him. And when he did, they had all the pieces they needed for the world's self-destruction. However, two problems were obstructing his path that he expected the Japanese man to take care of: The Fourteenth, and the Bookmen.

He yawned as the thunderstorm echoed off in weak form, leaving behind a partly starry sky that was still at threat of being covered once more.

~O~

YES! I finished possibly the hardest chapter thus far! I feel super-accomplished! Go me! Anyways. So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It will be greatly appreciated! See you in Chapter 7 (which we all know the square root is 49! …I suck, I know…)! —Mr. Ree


	7. The Beginning of the End

Yeah! Chapter Square Root of 49 is here! So for Chapter 6, I got up to 31 reviews. _31_. On Chapter 6: Grinns, PlayfulSylph, Marufu-chan, Brigette Janine, and Ninja Mafia Mistress reviewed! You guys! -starts crying- You guys are amazing! Thank you so very much! So! Let us get down with why you're really here, and that is to commence forthwith with Chapter Square Root of 49 of 'Drugtionary'! (Warning: This chapter is mostly history, so it may bore you. Also, it will seem confusing in the beginning, but it will make sense once the scene changes. Sorry about that…)

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

7. The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

The records of the Noah dated back around twenty-five years ago. Their first made appearance was when the Millennium Earl, whose name has been a mystery, left a message painted with a girl's blood on the wall: _"The play is about to begin, and the players are soon to be set"_.The girl didn't make it in the end. She suffered cardiac arrest at the hospital and couldn't be saved.

For a few years after that, there was no sign of him. He dropped off the radar as other drug groups and big-name mafia players took the center stage, claiming to be "the spawning revolution of our time". In reality, they ended up like the Underground Weathermen: A joke. Their attempts to spawn a revolution over the government decayed the moment they built their groups. There was no real leadership in any of them.

But around ten years back, it began to shift. The new millennium rolled around, and things grew hectic amongst countries. The 9/11 bombings in the United States sparked a war between themselves and Afghanistan, which then spread out to Pakistan, Iran and Iraq, leaving the country in trillions of dollars in debt, leaving behind another depression. The Gaza strip continued to rage war. Greece's economy began crumbling, and Japan started flat-lining as well. Politicians worried for days over the crises taking over. Foreign relations became strained, and sure enough, trust became the issue of decade.

It shouldn't have been so surprising. The Noah, as the Earl called it, were originally an underground drug cartel. It was a legend at first, whispers being spread around about how they were the richest in their city. All of that stalling in time was an effort to gain members and to build the foundation of the largest terrorist group in the world, though their disguise remained as a drug cartel that sometimes lent out money.

In reality, they want nothing more than the fundamental collapse of the world's economy. They believe in dictatorship by money, and they, with having billions of dollars at their disposal, are willing to go at any lengths to make their goal come true.

He inhaled gently, letting the smoke fill his lungs, then exhaled as he stared at the night sky. Bitter of a night as it was, he needed his cigarettes. He exhaled, the puffy smoke floating up towards the street lamp.

"There you are."

Bookman glanced to his side to see one of his old acquaintances, Marian Cross. He was an undercover cop who had the tendency of disappearing here and there, then reappearing when you really needed him. "You never show up on time."

"And for whom do I owe the pleasure?" The man only smirked as he opened the door, allowing them both entrance into the restaurant. It was quiet and located near the Grandworth, so it was only filled with the richest people in the city. They were promptly seated as a waiter served them red wine. Cross took a sip before sighing, his tone quiet yet brisk. "Word has it that the Earl has been here for a little while, now."

"It has reached my ears, too." Bookman took a sip of the drink before glancing around the tables that were near them. "My apprentice and I have traveled from India to get to America in order to see if the rumors were true. We plan on staying here until the rumors say otherwise. It is difficult to transfer him from college to college every time, even though the brat doesn't even need it."

"Truth has never been spoken clearer."

The old man snorted before lowering his voice down to serious tones. "He's gathering. The final blows will be quick and swift. The countries won't even have a moment to let themselves recover. I have seen what happens during such a thing. Poverty, agony, war. Just what he wants." He sipped the wine before continuing. "He wants to see us fall."

"Yeah, by a giant earthquake caused by the fat-ass jumping up and down in victory." He smirked. "Face it, Bookman. So long as the Fourteenth is still number one, he will hesitate to make his move. It's a game of Monopoly. Neither one will make the move until they are assured they have more money and power than the other, just in case they land on that two thousand dollar hotel right before 'Go'."

The Fourteenth was a strange one. He tricked the Earl by joining their group and escaladed in status. He was almost on par with the Earl, then withdrew from the group approximately three years ago, claiming that he was the one who wanted to cause the world's 'end'. The Earl has sworn to get him back, but the Fourteenth never bit the bait. Instead, he formed a massive powerhouse and beat the Noah at its own game. Bookman frowned. "Only in this case, the hotel is over two billion dollars."

Cross nodded. "I suppose so." His eyes clouded over with seriousness. "Bookman, are you really willing to go at any length to stop those freaks? I thought you were supposed to only be on the sidelines, to be neutral, as you put it."

"We are to exist to aid those who need us as we record," Bookman smoothly said. "You called upon us to help. Therefore, I will use all my might to help you with this predicament. Besides, I owe you one. Think of it as repaying the favor."

"Are you willing to even use your own apprentice?"

"That is none of your business. Keep your nose elsewhere."

"I take that as a 'yes'. Damn, Bookman, you _are_ an ass."

He stared solemnly at the menu the waiter had given them. _I would rather save an entire country than just one soul whom I call my apprentice. Sometimes, these things just happen. He knew the risks when he joined. He should not feel used, even if I do use him. _

_The Noah must be stopped at all costs, along with the Fourteenth._

~O~

His fingers twitched uncontrollably as he tried to force his eyes open. He had no bad dreams, which was a first. Whenever he got sick, he always had a bad dream. It generally involved Alma never existing and him not having anyone. It was a fate he never wanted, which was why he kept Alma as close to him as possible. His sluggish eyelids lifted off finally, allowing his blurred eyes to see nothing but black. He coughed before blinking again and again until the image grew clearer. Was he dreaming now? Just his luck.

_Alma? _He felt around him, trying to find his friend. _Alma? Where are you? _

There was a box, one with multiple colors, that was taller than he was. It was shredded here and there and tilted at an obscure angle. His back was pressed against it, mostly because he felt too weak to do anything else. His throat stung when he tried to speak, so he silenced himself. A lone doll that was in the shape of a rabbit was flailing about, trying to say something. Kanda didn't pay attention to it. He just wanted to get out of there.

"…_an…"_

Two large hands came through the box and clasped around his neck, dragging him into a darker place. The creature was a Level Two Akuma, but he didn't have his sword this time. This time, he had nothing but himself. Not even Alma was there. It pressed him into the stone floor with immense pressure, nearly causing his back to break in half. He tried tearing the thing off of his neck, but it didn't let go.

"…_Y…han…"_

The doll rabbit flailed more before stopping and dancing across the stones. Kanda grimaced. _What… the hell… do… you want, Rabbit?_

"_Yuu-chan."_

The voice was familiar, though he couldn't quite remember whose it was. The tenor was in the range of a male, and it sounded as if it belonged to a teenager. The rabbit approached the Akuma and titled its head.

"Ah kya kya kya kya!" The Akuma grinned devilishly as the rabbit was slammed with one of its four arms. It tore one of the button eyes right off along with some of the stuffing. The doll hit the concrete, unmoving, but staring eerily at the Japanese man. "You really think you could have helped him, _Exorcist? _You were wrong! Ah kya kya kya kya!"

_Exorcist…? I thought… me and Alma… were… the only ones… _Kanda coughed loudly as the hands pressed harder onto him.

"…_Don't hurt Yuu-chan." _The rabbit pushed itself off of the ground, its black fabric looking slightly muddy. _"If you hurt him, I will make your death as unpleasing as the smell of your skin. Do I make myself clear?"_

"What can you do? You're nothing but a doll!" The Akuma sneered as it picked Kanda up with one of its hands. "I will hurt him as much as I want! Ah kya kya kya kya!"

"_I warned you." _The rabbit's ears twitched once before one of its stuffed arms pointed at the sky. _"Big Hammer, Little Hammer… Grow…"_

A mallet formed in the dark, one with white stripes and black, right over the Akuma's unsuspecting head. It was laughing at it for not producing a weapon.

"_Grow…"_

"Ah kya kya— kya?" It looked up to see its doom for a split-second.

"…_Grow!"_

The mallet came down upon its head, killing it instantly. Kanda was released from its grasp, causing him to crash land on the concrete. The rabbit twirled for another moment before the hammer shrunk back down to size and was placed in a holder on its stuffed leg. It walked towards him and patted the Japanese man on the head. _"You need to be more careful, Yuu-chan. In this world, you're the one without the Innocence. The people you think you know are not who they really are. Remember that."_

_Hold on a second! _Kanda extended his hand when the scene began to fade._ I thought me and Alma were the only Exorcists! He created this world and I am part of it! Who are you, and how did you get here? And how do you know my name?_

The rabbit chuckled. _"That will be answered, in due time. Until then, take care of yourself, Yuu-chan…"_

_Wait…!_

He sat up viciously, panting. He was greeted by the darkness and by an alarm clock reading "5:30 PM". Alma was still sound asleep in his mind, which was odd. Alma never went to sleep before six in the evening. He glanced around, not familiar with the surroundings. He was on a mattress, which was hugging the floor. Beside it was an old alarm clock and a lamp, which was turned off. Diagonally opposite of where he was resided a desk with newspapers all over it. Aside from that, there was nothing much.

He coughed and laid back down, shivering despite all the blankets covering him. His head was spinning, probably because he was still sick, and he didn't want to know where he was quite yet. He could have been kidnapped, for all he knew. He grimaced at the thought before the door that was closed creaked slightly before revealing a slightly tall figure. It didn't take half a brain cell to realize that it was the damn redhead and all of his glory. Fuck. He didn't want to be here. "You awake, Yuu?"

"I wish I wasn't," he managed. His throat sounded raspy and hoarse, much to his displeasure.

The redhead laughed as he approached the mattress. "I hear you. You've got a nasty cold, you know. I found you in the hallway yesterday and I brought you in here. You slept all day, though your coughing kind of irritated Jiji— I mean, Bookman." He grinned. "How're you feeling?"

Not wanting to speak, he only glared. Lavi frowned and placed a hand on his forehead for a long moment. Kanda blinked. _His hands… are rather cold._

"You still have a fever. Last time we checked, you had a temperature of 38.2 degrees Celsius, which translates to 100.8 degrees Fahrenheit." He sat down at the edge of the mattress, cracking his knuckles. "I don't understand why America feels the need to be different from everybody else and use Fahrenheit instead of Celsius. Can't they just follow the metric system? It's so much easier."

He coughed. "It was made just to fuck with your stupid brain… Baka."

"You shouldn't talk." Lavi gave him a look of concern that irritated the hell out of Kanda. "You'll ruin your voice if you do. Besides, every time you speak, you look like it's more painful than having your fingernails ripped off slowly."

_Stop pretending you care. _Kanda frowned as Lavi got up and left the room, saying something about getting a glass of water. _It's obvious that you don't. No one cares, and that doesn't really bother me. The world is full of people who are 'fake'. In the end, they only care about themselves. I won't have anything to do with it. So stop it before I punch that damn grin into a billion little pieces. _

"I got you some medicine, too. I don't have any cough drops, sorry…" He walked back into the room with a glass of water in one hand and medicine in the other. The man snarled in response. He hated the taste of medicine. It made him want to throw up more than he originally wanted to. "Yuu? You look kind of irritated. Something wrong?"

_The only thing wrong here is that I'm not killing you. _Kanda sat up and took the glass out of the redhead's hand, sneering at the medicine as much as he could. Lavi laughed sheepishly and shoved it towards his mouth, which made him reel back and make a disgusted face. He laughed and brought it closer. He snarled this time, putting his arms up in defense from it. "…Don't…" he started in a strained voice before coughing. "Don't… even think about… forcing me… to drink that shit."

"You act like a little kid! It's funny!" He was still laughing despite the imminent death glare. "I wish I had a camera."

_I wish I was strong enough to cut off your head and put it on a pike. _He rested his head against the wall before taking a sip of the water. He glanced at the redhead, who was still grinning like a madman, before frowning. _I wish I could tear your heart out as well._

"It's kind of strange for you to be so quiet." He fidgeted his bandana as he spoke. "I mean, you're so lively with your anger it's almost kind of creepy when you're quiet. It makes me feel like I'm talking to a wall."

"Then…" He coughed. "Then don't… talk at all… Baka. I'm… not listening."

"But you are." He grinned. "You're listening right now, aren't you?"

He fell silent. Where was Alma when you needed him to distract yourself from idiots? He grimaced slightly at the half-truth being spoken, glancing away from the bastard. He hated him. He wanted him to go away. However, he couldn't bring himself to say it, mostly because of his throat throbbing like mad. He coughed again, which brought on another look of worry onto the redhead's face.

"If it will help, I'll go buy cough drops later. Bookman kind of has my money right now…" He bit his lower lip as his eyebrows furrowed together. "Are you shivering?"

"None… of your business." He coughed again before closing his eyes to try and block out the faint light coming from the street light. Even though it was almost six, it was rather dark out. Days were getting shorter, not to his surprise, but he really didn't like that street light. It was giving him a headache. "Leave… me be. Stop… pretending… that you care."

"But I do care. We're _friends_." He emphasized the last word before placing a hand on his shoulder. "You are shivering. I think we might have more blankets if it will help… I could also make you green tea, if you like."

"I'm… no one's friend…" He coughed. "Friends… are pointless.

"Funny, I used to be the same way." He got up and started walking towards the door. "But people change, Yuu. I change, Bookman changes, you'll change. One of these days, you'll see what I mean." He turned back and grinned. "Besides, I only have one friend right now. His name is Yuu, and he's stubborn as all hell."

"Go to hell."

"Yeah, yeah." He laughed as he left the room, leaving Kanda behind with his own thoughts. Having his eyes closed did make him feel better, in the end.

_Friends, huh? Che. You're stupid. _He coughed again as he heard the clutter of dishes. He blinked his eyes open and gazed towards the open door. He could see him digging through one of the boxes, trying to find another glass. He looked partially annoyed as he dug until he found one, which filled his face with glee. He paused, staring at the redhead for a second longer, before looking away. _You get excited over the stupidest things. You call me your friend, even though you know jack-shit about me. I don't know if you're stupid or just plain naïve. _

"It turns out we don't have green tea!" he called. It sounded like he was running water from a faucet or something. "Is it alright if I make mint tea instead?"

"Che."

"I take that as a 'I don't particularly care, you moron'."

He grimaced. _How the fuck did he know what I meant just by that statement? _

A few moments passed as the sound of a tea kettle whistling was heard, followed by the hurrying of footsteps, and then water being poured into something, probably a mug of some sort. The redhead walked slowly into the room with the warm mug in his hands and placed it down beside the man. "Here you go. I'll go see if I can find any extra blankets."

He watched him leave again before picking up the mug, which was a nice black with nothing fancy on the front, and taking a sip. It was better than green tea, that was for certain. He drank more as Lavi came back in, frowning.

"Sorry, Yuu. We don't have any extras on hand." He sat back down on the mattress near the edge while looking at Kanda. "I could give you a hug instead, if you'd like."

"Fuck no." He coughed as he glared at him. "Do it and you die."

"Aw, c'mon, Yuu," he said, his grin growing too wide. He stretched out his arms as if he actually meant to do it. "You never know, you might actually like being hugged. Don't know 'til you try, and judging by your personality, you've never been hugged. Hey, did you ever get hugged by your parents? 'Cause if not, that explains a lot."

"What parents?"

Lavi blinked. "Eh?"

"I don't have parents." His glare deepened, but it was more directed at nothing than Lavi. "I don't need them. I never met them, and that's probably for the better."

Silence ensued afterwards in an uncomfortable manner. Lavi began fidgeting again as Kanda subconsciously began to scowl. It was obviously a touchy subject. He tilted his head, staring at him, then wrapped his arms around the man.

Several profanities followed, along with thrashing and other random acts of violence.

"What the fuck are you doing, Baka Usagi!" He tried to squirm away while coughing, which did not help in the least. "Get the fuck away from me, now!"

"Aw, come on, Yuu. You know you like it."

"Bullshit! Let go of me! Are you listening to me? Let go!"

"You're not shivering anymore, though."

He stopped thrashing for a moment, blinking only once in one minute. He was right in that sense, he wasn't shivering anymore. The throat didn't hurt so bad, either. For a moment, everything seemed perfectly fine. Becoming irate, he pushed again, but that only brought him closer. The silence was overwhelming.

_What's… going on? I can't push him back. _He stared at the opposite wall out of confusion and anger, which was slowly slipping away. _I don't… _like_ this, do I? How come I can't push him away? What's… this strange… feel—?_

'Yuu, what are you doing?' Alma had woken up, rubbing his eyes out of tiredness. He blinked, then let his jaw fall to the floor. 'Yuu! He's hugging you! He fucking hugging you! Get him away from you, now! Now! His bad luck and stupidity will shed onto you and you'll no longer have the brains to stay away from people like him! Get away, now!'

Kanda gasped inside his head, snapping out of the warmth and confusion he was feeling and pushed the redhead away. Lavi just stared at him with the same look of confusion. It was almost as if something connected right then, like a missing piece was finally put into place. They stared at each other for a long moment, unmoving, before Alma tugged at the inside of his head.

'Yuu!'

He turned his head towards the window and looked at the streetlight that was giving him a headache. Lavi pushed himself up off of the mattress and laughed sheepishly in the awkward silence, but said nothing more as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

_What the fuck was that? _He leaned against the wall, hand clutching at his chest. _What the fuck was that? It was just a hug, just to tease Yuu, and— I don't understand, why is my heart pounding so fast? _His hand let go of his chest as he tried to calm himself down, which wasn't working. _I'm going crazy. It must have just been some kind of chemical reaction or something. Has to be. _

On the other side of the door, Kanda was trying to clear his mind of any thoughts. If he thought something while Alma was awake, especially dealing with the Baka Usagi, he would have flipped. He didn't want him to flip, considering it was nasty when he did. He only saw it once, and ever since then, he never wanted to see it again. _I'm sorry, Alma. _He thought for the thirtieth time. _It just happened. He hugged me first. _

'You didn't even try to push him off!'

_I did! I did, but he wouldn't move away! _He had to come up with something quick before he snapped. _Besides, I'm sick, I really can't exert that much strength. I'm sorry, Alma. It won't happen again._

The boy sniffled. 'Promise?'

_I promise. _

'Thanks, Yuu. You're such a great friend.'

…_Yeah. _He gazed at the wall that he gazed at when he was hugged earlier. The feeling of warmth spread through his chest again as he closed his eyes. _I try._

The silence was all that could be heard for the longest time. The beginning of the end of the beginning was at hand.

~O~

WOW! Chapter Square Root of 49, done! YAY! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! And thank you for all those who put this on their favorites/alerts list! It makes me feel proud~ ^^ See you in Chapter 8~!


	8. The Devil's Chessboard

I apologize in advance for the terribleness of this chapter. I winged it, I really did, and the result came out terrible (I can only see the mistakes, with the passive voice and the sentence fragments and the burning, and I can't seem to fix it. Dang. Mr. Meenor, my editor, is out for the week. Sorry). Anyways, for last chapter, I got 40 reviews! 40! Special thanks to: Brigette Janine (first again! XD), Grinns (the 'sacrifice' won't be 'til later. XD;), Marufu-chan (ain't he terrifying?), Ninja Mafia Mistress (indeed), PlayfulSylph, Harley motor (I really suck at writing romance… Hah. But at least I'm trying!), Saga of Eternal Rain, and PhreshxxxBear! Thank you guys! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 8 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

8. The Devil's Chessboard

The pieces were almost in place.

The night gave way to morning and from morning to noon, then to afternoon. It would be a mere three hours before Kanda arrived. The Earl tapped a spoon on top of the fancy cup he had bought as the others were out and about, trying to have fun in the slow city. It was a shame that nothing exciting ever happened here, because maybe, maybe, it wouldn't have been a large target.

Sugar cube after sugar cube plopped into the cup as he turned the page of a local newspaper. The headline screamed in bold letters, "President is Coming to Discuss the Economy". He chuckled at that and circled the date, which was three days from then. Many people would be there, which be the perfect opportunity to plant several bombs here and there, along with a statement of their plans. However, it had to be done by Tyki, because he was the master of disguises and knew how to not get killed.

He rose from his seat and strode towards the window, the sun disappearing behind the long stretch of buildings. All of their preparations had paid off, though he knew the Fourteenth, God curse him, would get in his way. He knew he couldn't get rid of him, but he also knew it was nearly impossible to get him back. Then again, the police and federal agents would be all over them, but they had enough weapons at their disposal.

Besides, when they were done with them, the United States wouldn't even know what hit them.

Rhode walked in quietly, looking slightly confused. "Earl," she said, skipping to his side, "is everything going to our plan, or are we going to fail? I don't want for this to backfire."

"Of course not." He continued to gaze out the window before turning to her. "Are the explosives set?"

"Three days from now, at noon exactly." She was speaking in a singsong voice that she only ever did when she was excited. "When it ticks twelve— Ka-Boom! —this place will go up in explosion. Are we going to snipe the President, too, or no?"

The Earl grinned widely. "David and Jasdero are going to take care of that. Two bullets, just in case one misses. They then have less than a minute to run for it, but they'll make it. Then that plaza will explode, too, and we'll leave this place to go back to Japan."

Rhode sighed. "I wish I could bring Allen along…"

"Then kidnap him, I could care less. It wouldn't be the first time you've done that."

"Yippee! You're the best, Earl!" She gave him a large hug before skipping off. She paused at the door. "What's the new kid going to do when he arrives?"

"He's going to be doing a mission here before we blow this place to bits," he replied. "We've got a couple of stalkers following us, and we need to dispose of them. However, we need their information first. We'll lead them to Japan, then kill them there. It will be easier that way." His grin had a hint of a frown. "Somehow, this seems like a lot more work than need be, but it's necessary for our goals."

"You worry too much. The Fourteenth won't show up." She opened the door, taking a step out. "After all, he doesn't know our plan. He's naïve to it, like the rest of the world, hmm? Take care, Earl."

"Take care, Rhode."

The chipper girl left, skipping down the hall. She frowned. Going back to Japan would be a heavy disadvantage, though. If they left immediately after, someone would take notice to it. She had a feeling they were being followed for a while. Her frown deepened. They needed to stay in America, in her opinion. She nodded to herself. Yes, staying in America would give them the advantage, but getting out of that town was a good idea. Japan was too far away.

She would tell the Earl that later, though. Right now, she had to go find Allen and play a game with him.

~O~

He left the apartment at ungodly-o'-clock in the morning, just to get away from Lavi. He didn't want to see him anymore or even acknowledge that he existed. The very thought of knowing the idiot hugged him made him sick to his stomach.

The apartment was left in tact, which wasn't too surprising. It had been locked, so no one could get in, which caused this problem to begin with. He unlocked it and sighed before staggering back to his room and crashed onto his bed. He was still exhausted, despite the amount of sleep he had gotten the previous day. The thoughts were probably the cause, sadly. However, being back in his own bed made him pleased enough to fall asleep for a little while.

It wasn't the smartest move, and he knew that shortly afterwards. He tried to open his eyes, but he was already sucked into the world of dreams. It wasn't dark like the last one. In fact, the sun was shining quite brightly as the sound of a waterfall was heard. A rickety bridge loomed before him, but he didn't dare cross it. He knew not to take those sorts of chances. Trees surrounded both banks, all of which older than he was.

It was soothing, but something was unsettling about it. The trees were silent as only the waterfall could be heard. Finally, something rustled behind him, causing him to pull out Mugen, only it wasn't there. He looked down at his belt and grimaced. His sword was no longer to be found.

"It's alright. There are no Akuma here." The black rabbit from the last dream swung down from one of the branches and landed on a pile of dirt before Kanda. "You don't need to worry. I'm more in danger than you are right now. Hah."

_It's you again. _Kanda watched it approach the bridge and walk across part of it before it stopped and turned around, grinning. _Who are you? Why do you keep showing up in my dreams instead of Alma? In addition, how are you an Exorcist, too? This doesn't make sense._

"For you, you can call me 'Deke'. It's not my real name, but it will have to do… for now," it said, hopping onto one of the old ropes that threatened to snap at any given moment. "I keep showing up because I'm like a messenger from the dead, only I'm not dead anymore, technically. Alma is fine… if that's how you want to put it." It hopped back to the beginning of the bridge and frowned. "Lastly, I'm an Exorcist because I have Innocence like you do. Does that answer your questions?"

_Actually, no. You avoided most of them. _Kanda glared. _Where's Alma? I don't want to talk to you._

"I don't know. I don't keep tabs on him." The rabbit looked frustrated. "He wanders often, talking to things that normally don't talk back, mostly about random things, like mayonnaise. I do know this, though— He won't show up when I'm around, because he hates me and I scare him. He'll only show if he has his Innocence activated, which he doesn't right now."

_Wait, he's afraid of you? _Kanda rose an eyebrow out of amusement. _How could be afraid of a little stuffed animal like you? _

"I stole something important from him. Or rather, I will end up stealing something important to him." The rabbit peered over the bank's edge. "It's because I'm 'real' and he's not 'real'. The important thing he'll lose wants security, more than anything. It wants to know it will never be alone and that a bond won't break too soon, and though my life expectancy is unknown, I'll never leave it. Ever."

_What's this 'important thing'? The only thing that Alma finds important is… _He paused, staring at the grass on the ground, before finding himself losing his voice. He turned to the rabbit, who stared intently back at him. _Who are you? _Kanda demanded, finding himself backing away from the doll. _Who the fuck are you?_

"I told you, my name for you is 'Deke'," it replied, jumping off the bank. He blinked before running towards the edge, seeing the rabbit falling down towards the river. "Until you figure it out, that is what I shall be. Be careful, though! You don't have much time, for you're a pawn on the Devil's chessboard, now!"

It disappeared from sight as the scene shifted dramatically to his room. Startled, he sat up, panting, as he tried to get his thoughts together. _The only thing Alma cares about… is me._

'Did you call for me?' Alma rose his head, confused, as Kanda cursed quietly under his breath.

_No. _He shoved aside the blankets, legs dangling off the side of the bed. He didn't understand that rabbit. It felt like it was toying with him by speaking in codes he didn't get, saying things that didn't make sense, and avoiding the questions he asked. He inhaled before glancing at the clock. It was five in the evening, which meant he had three hours to do nothing.

'You should probably eat something before going, Yuu.' Alma stretched out his arms and balanced himself on a long log. Below was a small stream with moss-covered rocks. Slipping would not have been good. 'God only know how long we're going to be there, and I don't think the Earl would have the time to cook.'

_Che. _He pushed himself up off the bed and walked towards his closet, frowning as always. _The only thing he does eat is money, anyways. _He pulled out a navy-blue shirt and a pair of black jeans before changing. He brushed his all of his hair into a basic ponytail instead of his typical hairstyle, mostly because he felt lazy. He glanced over at the pile of clothes he was just wearing and frowned. _Those aren't mine. Are those Baka Usagi's? When did that happen, and how the hell did I not notice that until now? _He picked them up and sighed.

'We could burn them and say we lost them somewhere.'

_I'm not that much of an asshole. _He folded the clothes neatly in a pile before sighing again. _However, I do not want to see him more than I have to. Fuck._ He stared at them before walking down the narrow hall, past the kitchen and into the living room. The red curtain hung still as he approached it, his frown deepening. He hated the color red.

Quietly, he pushed the clothes through the hole and onto the other side of the wall into Lavi's apartment. They plopped onto the ground with a small ruffle and nothing more. He began withdrawing his hand when something clasped itself around it. His eyebrows furrowed together as he tried yanking it back. "Who the fuck has my hand?"

"Oh, so it is you, Yuu!"

_Shit. Shit, shit, shit. _Kanda yanked again and slipped out of the redhead's grasp. _Stay the fuck away from me, I want nothing to do with you. _Lavi popped his head through the curtain anyways, grinning like the fool that he was. _Che. Damn._

"For a minute there, I thought it wasn't you. Don't know why." He crawled through and stood up before bowing slightly. "Thanks for returning my clothes. I thought you would burn them or something, but I guess not." He fidgeted with his bandana as he glanced around. "You've been keeping it clean, eh? That's good. I thought my hard work would be for nothing." He laughed loudly, which irritated the still-tired Kanda.

"Why the hell are you in here?"

"Oh, right." He straightened himself out before bowing. _"Gomenasai, _Yuu-chan, for what happened yesterday. I shouldn't have hugged you. I crossed a line. I hope you accept my apology."

The man stared in confusion. _He's apologizing? He's actually not dumb, after all. I would have had to kill him, otherwise. Not that it hasn't already been planned… _He frowned. _Uh… what am I supposed to do now? Do I accept it or no?_

'Hell no!' Alma huffed angrily. 'Tell him to fuck off and to go die and that you never want to see him again! Get rid of this retard while you still can, Yuu!'

Alma was right. He had the perfect opportunity to shatter the idiotic rabbit for life. It was right there in front of him, practically screaming at him to seize it. Lavi stood up straight again, looking confused, as Kanda found himself speechless. His feet wouldn't budge from where he stood, so running was not an option, no matter how good it sounded. His friend continued to shout at him from in his brain to take it.

_I… can't do it. _Kanda grimaced as Lavi continued to stare, confused.

'Yuu…?' The kid looked confused and betrayed. 'Yuu, are you saying that you are willing to let him apologize? I don't… I can't believe you.' The rock in his hand crumbled to dust as he clenched his teeth. 'I thought you were my friend! You said it yourself, people are foolish and stupid! You said I would be your only friend! Why are you doing this to your best friend?'

_Think, Alma. _Kanda's brain worked faster in tenfold._ If I tick him off by telling him off, he can come in here whenever he wants. I can't lock my door, so even if I do block off the curtain, he can come in through the front door and probably trash this place. Even when I do meet with the Earl, that doesn't mean I'm moving immediately. I have to tell him off at the right moment, and now isn't the time. You see what I mean?_

He tilted his head, letting the dust of the rock flow freely from his hand, before nodding. 'I can see your point. Alright, Yuu. Sorry for snapping. It was clearly a misunderstanding.' He grinned stupidly. 'I'm going to go find Timcanpy. Oh! He changed his shape, by the way. He's a little golden ball, now. Alright, Yuu. Good luck dealing with this idiot!'

With that, Alma ran into the depths of the forest and out of his mind's sight. He sighed in relief as Lavi flicked his forehead, causing him to snap out of his alternate reality and into the real world. He glared at him. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You were spacing. You feeling okay?"

He rolled his eyes. "Che. Whatever. I forgive you."

A small pause came from the redhead as his eyebrows rise in surprise. "Really?"

"No. I'm just saying that to get your hopes up so that I can destroy your puny, idiotic grin— What the fuck, Usagi?" He looked away while frowning. "Yes, really. Now get the fuck out of my apartment before I reconsider."

"You're having a hard time making eye contact, aren't you?" Lavi frowned as he tilted his head off to one side, enough so to make his neck crack in response. "You keep avoiding looking at me. What's the matter?"

The man sighed heavily. "Nothing is. Now get out."

"I have a feeling you're upset about something and that you're avoiding looking at me because eyes give away emotions more than anything else." He grinned widely as Kanda walked into the kitchen, rummaging around in the cupboards to find something to eat. "The more you avoid it, the more curious I'm gonna get, and the more curious I get, the more annoying I get. Even more so than I already am." He watched as he slammed the cupboard closed and moved onto the next one. His irritation antics were working. "C'mon, adorable cuteness, tell me."

The can of soup in his hands fell to the floor as Kanda mechanically turned his head with a twitching lip and twitching hands. The temptation to laugh at him was unbearable, but Lavi managed to keep it in. _"What _did you just call me?"

"You heard me." He was entering teasing mode. It was so obvious. "Maybe I should call you that from now on. 'Adorable cuteness'. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" He grinned as the man's twitching became uncontrollable. "Well, how about this— you tell me what's wrong with you and I won't call you that. If you don't, I will on purpose call you that in front of Lenalee and that white-haired kid."

"You wouldn't _dare."_

"Try me."

_Note to self: This idiot can be as evil as Moyashi when he's playing poker. _He picked up the can off the floor and placed it onto the counter, glaring dangerously. "Che. I already told you, nothing is wrong with me. Why can't you just accept that? Or do you want something to be wrong with me?" He frowned. "Let me tell you something right now— you are to never touch me ever again. Do I make myself clear? Ever."

Lavi fidgeted a little while biting his lower lip. "About that… I was wondering… When I hugged you yesterday, did you feel… weird? I don't know how to describe it, but it was all warm and fuzzy and stuff." Now _he_ was the one trying to avoid eye contact. "I just wanted to know if it was just me, or if you felt it, too."

"What the hell is this, a therapy session?" He dug out a can opener and opened the can, pouring its contents into a pot. He turned on the oven. "I honestly don't give a damn about what that was. All that I know is that it felt horrible and I no longer wish to see your dumb face anymore. Underst—?" He stopped speaking when he glanced back at the pot, which was supposed to contain soup. Instead, eyeballs and fingernails filled the pot to the brim, almost overflowing.

"Yuu-chan?" Lavi glanced at the pot and frowned. "You look like you just saw a dead body or something. You okay?"

He didn't respond as his eyes fixed onto the brewing concoction. Something inside it was moving, trying to get out. He backed up into the wall, not averting his eyes as whole mound of fingernails and eyeballs began to move at once. The creature's mouth opened, revealing a black tongue and chipped teeth. The eyeball in the center (which was a dark brown) stared at him before it roared loudly, indicating the oncoming attack. Earthworms, or what looked to be earthworms, popped out from it near the bottom and functioned as its legs. It did not look happy.

_Shit… _Kanda looked around for a weapon he could use, though there was nothing in range for him to get in time. The thing was rearing to launch. His fingers reached a handle of a knife, but they moved it farther away instead of closer. They were trembling too much to get it. Why was he trembling? He shouldn't have been trembling, that was the worst time to do it. He grinded his teeth together as he reached for the knife again, not losing eye contact with the monster.

It launched.

_Shit! _He reached for the knife as quick as he could, though he knew it wouldn't be fast enough. His fingers brushed against the handle as something slapped itself on his shoulder, then squeezed it tightly.

"Yuu-chan, snap out of it! Hey! Yuu-chan!"

He blinked once, trying to comprehend the situation. The abomination from the pot was gone. All that was left was an idiotic redhead, yelling and shaking him out of confusion. The knife, which he had managed to grasp, slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor as his legs gave out on him, causing him to slide down to the floor. His breathing was slow and shaky. Lavi's eyebrows furrowed in confusion before walking over to the pot and frowning. As far as he could tell, there was nothing wrong with it, but by Kanda's reaction, Satan's spawn just came out of it. He turned off the oven before walking back over to him.

"Yuu, are you feeling okay?"

"It was… right there," Kanda managed. Lavi glanced over to where he was pointing and frowned.

"What was?"

His pale face turned into a look of confusion. "You… didn't see it? How the fuck did you miss it? It was right fucking there, there, in that pot!"

"Yuu-chan…"

"Are you telling me…" His breathing hitched slightly as he tried to make sense out of the situation. "…that I was the only one who could see it?" _Shit. I'm… starting to lose my sense of what is real and what isn't. That was really just a hallucination? But it looked real. It smelled real. Alma. Alma, where are you? I need to hear you tell me it's okay. Alma… Why are you never here when I need you more than anything else?_

His hallucination of a friend failed to appear, leaving him alone to figure it out. His fingers tightened into fists as he squeezed his eyes shut. This couldn't be happening to him. This had to be a joke, a dream, something other than reality. First the water turning into blood, then the lotus flower, the car accident, and now this. Nothing like this happened before, so why now?

Lavi sat there, confused more than ever. Yuu, the person who was the greatest prick on the face of the Earth, was sitting there before him, trembling. _I don't get it. _He reached out to touch him, but hesitated. _I didn't think anything scared him. And if something did scare him, he would just glare it down and tell it to fuck off. That's just how Yuu rolls. This isn't him at all. What the hell did he see that threw him off so bad? Hunh._

He stared at him for a long moment, wondering what to do. Kanda told him not to touch him, but this was starting to freak him out. He just wanted to make sure he was okay, and speaking didn't seem as if it would work. "Yuu? Are you okay?"

When he didn't respond, worry overcame him. He placed his hand against that man's head, feeling the soft tremors coming from him. Kanda was afraid. The question was, of what? "Yuu. Listen, whatever it was that you saw, it wasn't real, okay? Everything is fine. It's gone now." _I think._

"You aren't, though," he replied slowly.

_Ah… There's the Yuu I know. _He grinned as he patted the man's head. "If you want me to, I'll leave, but only if you want me to. Otherwise, I'm staying here. Okay?"

"…Che."

The two sat there in silence, the clock ticking away the time, though at that moment, neither of them seemed to care.

In the game against Satan, the devil lost a pawn.

~O~

OH GOD WITH THE OUT OF CHARACTER AND THE BURNING! -headdesks- Don't worry! Kanda will return to be the usual ass he really is next chapter! My apologies for the incredible cheesiness and what have you! ARGH! Anyways. Chapter 8, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor. See you in Chapter 9~! —Mr. Ree


	9. Meeting with Evil Incarnate

Yo! Welcome to Chapter 9 of 'Drugtionary'! I've been away camping and being bombarded with the constant doom of me not getting five rejection letters (yikes, I only got one. A freelance writer was my job this summer. Fiddlesticks) and other variety of things that could go wrong. But anyways! Last chapter, I got up to 45 reviews: Marufu-chan, Ninja Mafia Mistress, Kiro Uchiha, Harleymotor, and Blankity-Blick! One of these days, I will actually reply properly. I'm sorry for losing time on my hands… Anyways, let us commence forthwith with Chapter 9 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

9. Meeting with Evil-Incarnate

He calmed down after a little while, breathing slowly and blinking once or twice to make sure nothing else became twisted into a false reality. Lavi was reading another book that he had found in the shelves (Quicker than the Eye, Ray Bradbury), sitting next to Kanda as he turned pages at least thirteen times faster than the average reader. The apprentice Bookman was definitely confused by the episode earlier, though he couldn't possibly imagine Yuu hallucinating. It just wasn't him.

Time passed slowly as Kanda fell unconscious once or twice, snapping himself out of it to make sure he didn't fall asleep. He didn't want to sleep. Sleeping meant dreaming, dreaming meant going back _there_, and going back _there_ meant a lack of Alma. His hallucination of a friend had yet to return to him. It was a possibility that he still couldn't find Timfanfy or Limgopocky or whatever that unicorn-abomination's name was. Alma was terrible at trying to locate things he lost.

"Yuu?" The redhead finished the book in record time, just as expected. It was pushed aside onto the coffee table that was in front of the couch. "You look really tired. Are you sure you still want to go to that meeting or whatever it was later? I don't think you'd be up to it."

"Che." He straightened his back before slumping again, bending his head back so that it was touching the rim of the couch. "I have to go there, tired or not. It's required. Otherwise, I'll miss out on something that's important to me."

He fidgeted with his bandana, biting his lower lip thoughtfully. "I can't believe that there's anything important to you." He laughed loudly as the man glared at him. "Kidding, kidding. I'm just not used to you caring about anything, you know? You just seem to hate everything and anything." He grinned. "Then again, I barely know you, though that'll change over time."

_What time? There is no time left. _He closed his eyes and frowned. _I'm going to move far from here, and hopefully I'll never come back. Alma and I are going to escape from you and everyone else here, and you won't stop me._

_No one can stop me._

"You're not saying anything," he continued. He pouted. "Are we not going to be friends or something? You jerk."

"Did I ever say we were friends?"

"I just naturally assumed, by how you're not trying to stab me with a butter knife or something like that."

"I haven't got around to it."

"Or maybe you actually care."

"Do you _want _me to send you flying into the wall?"

"Empty threats." He shook his head before grinning. "Yuu-chan, you haven't hurt me since I moved here, really. The only time you did that was when I collided into you the first time, remember? And even then you just yelled at me and kicked my stuff around, that's all." He looked over at the man, who was remaining silent. An arm was lying across his head, strategically hiding his eyes. "I don't think you have it in you to actually hurt me. I think you like me too much to do so."

"Fuck off," he muttered, then moved his arm so he could glare at him. "If you keep testing me, I really will throw you into that wall."

Silence filled his ears. For a moment, no one seemed to move and everything was calm, peaceful. He inhaled slowly and frowned. Time was passing too slowly for his liking. It was only around seven in the evening, and he had at least a half an hour to kill. He had no where else to go beforehand, and the moron beside him was annoying him. Alma was still gone, so he had no way to distract himself, aside from staring dumbly at the wall like a child who got in trouble and was now on time-out.

"Che," he said absentmindedly before forcing himself to stand up and walk towards his room. He needed his bag, that was for certain, especially if the idiot decided to snoop around in his things.

"What're you doing?" Of course he would ask.

"Nothing of import…ance," he managed. His eyes had landed on something he thought he had lost a long time ago, a relic of something important, on the floor. It was a necklace, one that had a crystal lotus attached to it. Lenalee had given it to him for his sixteenth birthday because it apparently 'reminded me of you' or something. He never admitted it, but he liked that necklace. He loved it. He thought he had lost it months ago.

Lavi came in the room mere seconds after he slipped it around his neck and hid it underneath his shirt. "Yuu, you got all quiet there. You okay?"

"Why do you keep asking me that?" He picked up his bag and slung it around his shoulder, looking uninterested and bored. He literally had nothing to do but to ignore the redhead. He was doing a piss-poor job of it, too. "I'm fine. Now leave."

For a moment, Lavi said nothing. Then he grinned. "Okay. When you get back from your little meeting, we should finish that ice cream later. Sound good?"

_Why the fuck do you want to do that? _The man glared at him, despite how appealing the word 'ice cream' was to him. It wasn't as good as soba, and he knew he hated most sweets, but when Alma told him to get it, it was delicious. _I can't seem to get rid of you, can I? God, why the fuck won't you just disappear? Why is that? Why can't I tell you off? _

_Is it _you_ that's the problem, or is it…_

…_or is it… _me_?_

"Earth to the adorable cuteness! I asked you a question," he said, then frowned. "You know, we never did finish the conversation earlier. About… the hug and the weirdness and everything." He was looking at the wall, thinking too many things at once to make logical sense. "And how you're trying to avoid eye contact with me and things like that. I know you have to leave soon, but I just at least want to know why you're avoiding me."

"Don't call me 'adorable cuteness', for starters." He shifted his weight to his left foot. "I don't want to finish that conversation, there was no hug if anyone asks, and I'm avoiding looking at you because you make me sick. There. Happy?" He started walking out of the room as the redhead, irritated by Kanda's little spat, grabbed him by the shoulder.

"You always do that." For once, he looked rather serious. 'Serious' and 'Baka Usagi' was as rare as well-cooked steak, not that he actually liked steak. "Why do you always do that? I hate that." When Kanda tried to push him off, the grip became tighter. "Why do you always run away, Yuu? What made you so scared of people?"

"What the fuck do you know?" He was at his snapping-point, he knew it. He was sick of this rabbit's holier-than-logic self, the way he always analyzed things. "You aren't my therapist, or my friend, for that matter. When are you going to realize I hate all of you, period?" He twisted torso and yanked free his shoulder from the idiot's grasp. "I'm leaving. When I come back, you better not be here." He grabbed him by the collar and pushed him into the wall. "The next time I see you, it better be in Hell. Any earlier, and your blood will be on the concrete."

He let him go and strode out of his apartment, leaving a stunned Lavi behind in his wake, not that he cared. He managed to do it, though. He had told him off, to the best of his ability, and now that idiot was no longer going to bother him. Part of him wished that the 'Joy to the World' hymn would play in the background, but it didn't. The only tune that played in the night was a cricket's chirp and a songbird's tragedy.

Tragedy was right. His heart hurt like hell, and he didn't know why. At least a thousand needles and then some were stabbing it like a squadron of fire ants taking down a praying mantis. Stinging, writhing pain, that was a good term for it. It made it hard for him to breathe, though he knew heart attacks were rare among young people. He shook his head and ignored it, or rather tried to, as he made his way to the richest hotel in the city— The Grandworth.

~O~

He was about fifteen minutes early as he reached the infamous 'Grandworth Boulevard', a long street that stretched for a mile. People often referred to it as 'The Rich Mile', because it was precisely that. Stores were mostly of cosmetics and jewelry and appealed to men with their exclusive golfing shops. It reeked of pompous pricks that ought to have a wooden spoon castrate them, or so Kanda thought. He was severely out of place, too. Everyone else wore 'nice' clothes and had 'proper' posture and 'polite' language. Fake smiles were plastered everywhere he looked, and only once did he see a child cry after a parents scolding.

At the center of it all stood the Grandworth Hotel, proudly hosting at least three or four Presidents in the past. It was the treasure trove for rich people. Including its many elegant floors, it had a sports bar, a casino, a massaging room, meditation sessions, three pools, and only God knew what else. He never stepped foot into the building and tried to avoid the street as much as possible, but now, he was willingly— willingly! —entering the snobbiest place in the world.

He passed through the front double doors, ignoring the looks that people gave him. He stood out like a clown in a business meeting, though he didn't really like clowns. Allen was more of a clown than he was, what with the white hair and scar. He pushed that thought aside as he tried his best to ignore the ornate décor of the building, making his way towards the reception desk. A woman in her twenties stood there in a nervous manner, biting her lower lip when he approached. She looked worn-out, though she stood tall anyways. A good woman, working her hardest to get through the day, even though Kanda could have cared less.

"H-Hello!" she greeted when he was within earshot. "Welcome to the Grandworth Hotel. My name is Miranda Lotto, and I am your attendant today. How may I be of service to you?"

"I'm looking for Adam Millennium."

'Adam Millennium' was an alias for the Millennium Earl. Everyone on the streets knew that, though they generally called him 'the Earl'. However, in particular cases such as this, it was the only name available. The Earl had to protect himself and his lackeys, after all. The woman typed in the name on the computer screen and nodded. "Yes, we have someone of that name on here. He is located on the tenth floor, room number one-oh-six, which is the third door on the right."

He muttered 'thanks' quickly before walking towards the stairwell. Alma tripped and stumbled in his mind, carrying a little golden ball in his hands. He had returned. Finally.

'What did I miss? Anything good?' He sat down on the log, the golden ball (which Kanda assumed was Timcanpy) flying around his head. 'Ooh, isn't this the Grandworth? Wow, I didn't think we would ever enter here in our entire lives. So you're really taking up on their offer, Yuu?'

_Why else would I be here? _He reached the tenth floor and proceeded down the hall. _It's not like I would come here to be like everyone. I hate it here already, and I've only been here for about three or five minutes. _

He counted three doors and stood before room 106. The numbers were proudly beaming in gold, which made him want to gag a little inside. His fingers reached out for the doorknob and hesitated. If he opened the door, there was no way of coming back. He shrugged, not particularly caring, and opened the door.

The room itself was large. The carpeting was white and decorated while the walls were an orange-tan color. The lights clung to the walls as they resembled a torch-like feature. Everything in there was 'beautiful' and 'perfect', and the only thing wrong with the picture was the lone candy-wrapper on the floor, crinkled and forgotten. He closed the door behind him and walked slowly towards the next room, partially uncomfortable. He hated this kind of 'looming' atmosphere, the suspense of it all. Why couldn't someone be there in the first room to greet him?

'It's strangely quiet in here,' Alma commented. 'And who is stupid enough to leave the front door unlocked?'

_Alma, _I_ leave my door unlocked. _Kanda frowned. _Besides, this is the Earl. If someone dares to try and cross him, he'll fucking kill them faster than a crocodile eating a human. He doesn't need to lock it. _

'I guess that makes sense. You know, you have really strange similes.'

_What the fuck is a 'simile'? _

'…Are you _sure_ you're in high school and not in kindergarten?'

_Fuck off. _He stepped into something that looked like a dining hall, where a long table extended and took up most of the room. A candleholder held three candles in the center, all of which flickering a flame. Plates were at each spot as a large meal laid before his eyes, ranging from lettuce and salad to steak and crocodile. The lights had been dimmed so low he couldn't even tell they were even on. People, six of them, were occupying the seats and looked up at him, all of which with curiosity in their eyes. He recognized one immediately, and it was the last person he expected.

"Rhode?"

She giggled as she spun a lollipop around her fingers, grinning. "Welcome, Kanda. We didn't actually think you would show up."

"Liar," he retaliated, hating the way her laugh needled into his mind and overrode every other sound there. "If you didn't think I would show up, why the hell are you all gathered here? It's obvious, you knew I would come."

"Settle down, Kanda. We're here to talk of business, not to play games."

His eyes moved off of Rhode and found themselves glued to the person who was at the head of the table. He was clothed in white and wore a black top hat to compliment it all. He was slightly round; though not overly fat, as the rumors said. Something about him was definitely unsettling. His eyes, mostly. His eyes were always moving about, never stopping. It was as if he couldn't make eye contact with anyone.

Because of it, he felt glued to the spot, partially out of terror, partially out of confusion.

"Please, have a seat," he said.

Kanda swallowed hard as he grabbed the chair and sat down, keeping his glare in tact. If anything, the safest thing to do was glare. It didn't show any fear, which was good.

"Seeing how you are sitting before us, you're taking our offer. I had a little bit of doubt, but seeing you now, I have great hopes for you." He took a sip of the drink that sat still on the table before putting it back down. "As you should know, we are the second-largest cartel in this country and in the world. Since you're here, you probably don't like the human race, either."

_Yeah, I guess you could call it that. _Kanda nodded.

"Good. Our plans," he said, stabbing his fork into a piece of meat, "are to collapse the world's economies and to ensue chaos, one country after another. We have almost all of the pieces in place, and you, Kanda, are going to help us with the last preparations. However, we aren't going to go into heavy detail of that tonight. First thing's first— introductions." He cleared his throat. "I'm the Millennium Earl, obviously. That there is Rhode Camelot. He's Skin Boric, as you should know, along with Jasdevi. He's Wisely, and that's Sheryl. The other two, Tyki and David, are out running an… _errand _for me."

_So Tyki's a Noah, too? I always knew something was funny about him._

"One more thing, Kanda— Do you happen to have everything you need?"

He blinked, confused. _Why is that important? _"I suppose. I mean, I have no clothes, if that's what you mean by 'need'…"

"Not to worry." The Earl grinned. "We have enough money. Rhode would be happy to go shopping with you, anyways. We'll do that tomorrow. Aside from that, you have everything?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"Good. I was afraid that I was going to burn down your apartment building while you still had things of value to you in there." He masticated a piece of meat slowly before swallowing, watching Kanda's eyes slowly grow wide. "What? Is there a problem? We have to get rid of all evidence that you exist, period. Someone in there may know you. We're making it look like an electrical problem. It's set to start at midnight."

_Midnight? _He didn't want to admit it, but a creeping feeling of worry snuck behind him. _Wait, the Baka Usagi and his grandfather will be sleeping by then. They're on a higher floor. If they start the fire there, there's no way in hell they're going to make it out alive. _

'And that's bad how?' His friend in his head grinned. 'We kill two birds with one stone: Getting rid of that stupid idiot, and moving. Perfect, neh?'

_Yeah, but… _He left his thoughts off with that. He wanted to think, 'but shouldn't we do it some other way that does not involve the death of the idiot?', though Alma would just berate him for it. He wasn't supposed to give a damn about the idiotic rabbit, after all. It would just distract him from Alma.

"Anyways, we made arrangements for you to stay with us from now on." The Earl grinned eerily again. "Rhode will show you to your room. Tomorrow, I will let you in on one of the most important operations we must perform, after you withdraw from your high school. Does that sound good to you?"

He nodded, jaw clenched tight, as Rhode rose from her chair.

"This way, Kanda~"

He followed her, wondering what the hell he got himself into. Frankly, he knew the Earl was evil, but meeting him in person was the equivalent of an acid trip going terribly wrong. The small girl in front of her skipped on ahead, whistling as she went.

"Here you go!" she said, opening the door. Luckily for him, it was small and quiet, and had one lone window. "You'll stay here for the time being until we have to move again, alright? Sorry that it's small." She pursed her lips before giggling again. "You looked shocked when you first saw me. Was it really that surprising?" She tilted her head. "Come on, Kanda. I thought you were smarter than that."

"What, assuming someone is part of the Noah is only something smart people can do?" Kanda rolled his eyes as he entered his room. He let his bag slide to the floor as he crashed onto the bed.

"Well, whatever." Rhode grinned again as she started to close the door. "I'll leave you be until tomorrow, then. We're going to go shopping~"

_Yaaaaa— fuck. I hate shopping_. He glared at the door when it closed before rolling over onto his back. _Are they really going to burn the building down? That seems a little drastic. It's probably to cover my tracks of existence, but still… _His frown deepened as thoughts bombarded him. _Baka Usagi is still there. Lenalee will worry. I don't know. I need to be here, though. I have to. This is my only chance to escape for good, there are no other options for me. _

He glared at the ceiling, wondering partially if Lavi would be okay, even though he knew the answer: The Earl spares no one and leaves no one alive when he wants them dead.

_But he's Baka Usagi. He'll be fine. Not that I care. Which I don't. _

He rolled over onto his side and frowned. He grimaced as a hesitant thought managed to reach his mainstream thoughts:

…_Right?_

~O~

Short chapter is short! I apologize. Next time, it'll be around 4,000 words or close to it, like the others. Anyways! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! I got lots of favorite notices for this story. You guys are as awesome as pumpkin pie, which is awesome in my book. See you in Chapter (Whoa, already?) Ten! —Mr. Ree


	10. Plan A and a Half

Yo! Welcome to Chapter 10 of 'Drugtionary'! The milestone of all milestones, aside from 100! (Hopefully, it won't be that long… XD) Anyways, I got 52 reviews last chapter: Marufu-chan, Grinss (I'm sad, I can't reply to you…), TheSeventhLie, Zikrus, Kiro Uchiha, omgitskirby, and CuriousThoughts! Fifty!-two Before Chapter 10! I love all of you! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 10 of 'Drugtionary'! (Warning: …This has a lot of economic talk in this chapter. My apologies…)

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

10. Plan A and a Half

The hush after his friend slammed the door on him was devastating. He didn't quite understand why that was the case, but it seemed to happen, nonetheless. He stared at the door for a moment before glancing around at his surroundings. He was still in Kanda's apartment, nothing changed, though the atmosphere changed to sadness. He had to get out of there. Sad things meant a sad self, and a sad self would impair on his ability to function properly. He shook his head from side to side before going through the red curtain and finding himself back in his own apartment.

Home sweet home.

He glanced to his left to see Bookman, who was talking on the phone in quiet tones and writing things down. Something serious was nagging at him, he could tell. Did it have to deal with the Earl? Or was it the Fourteenth this time? He frowned. Either or, they had one hell of a job to do. Frankly, he didn't feel motivated to do it, but he knew no one else would be as willing to take them down aside from the Bookmen.

He walked towards his room so that Bookman wasn't disturbed in his talking with whoever it was (he guessed it was Cross, the undercover cop. After all, he had the most information on both the Fourteenth and the Earl) and crawled onto his bed. He felt worn-out from his spat with Kanda from earlier, probably because it dealt more damage than he thought. He had to recover from it quick, though. Any hesitations could cause the world's economy to crumble, which was the last thing they needed. It was already teetering on a slim thread with an axe known as the Earl hovering above it, threatening to swoop down on the unsuspecting target.

_This is why I hated taking economics. _Lavi frowned as he stared at the ceiling. _The flaws of neoclassical economics are right there in front of everyone's faces, but no one is willing to admit it, which is why Wall Street is in such trouble. Well, there are few other options._ He sighed. _We have traditional economics, which is only good for countries with no economy. Command economies are for places like China, wherein the individuals have little say and the government controls it all. I wonder if that's why they're doing okay right now… And finally, the market economics, where the prices are ruled by supply and demand. Places that have that are Japan, America and Canada…_

_Damn, my brain hurts already…_

He rolled over onto his side as his brain continued to work. _Right now, America is in a depression. Their going by Keynesian economics, which states that the government should use its power to tax and spend in order to get the economy going again. However, that requires lots of money. That's why we think the Earl is in America— To cut a deal with the President and, right when he's least suspecting it, swipe whatever powers the three branches of government had using lobbyists, due to that new law the judicial branch passed, and become President himself._

_However, the President just recently got into office, so the Earl has to wait another three years or so. That's risky, because the economy can pull itself out of the recession. I have a feeling that he'll make a deal, then somehow eliminate the President and Vice President and cause chaos in the White House. That will enable him to somehow sneak into the mess and take America for himself. If he were really smart, he would go by Milton Friedman's theory of leaving the government out of the economy, which would then cause the people to go desperate and turn against their own leaders. Other people from other countries may take this as a symbol of revolution, which will spawn a massive turnabout._

_Basically, it would bring about chaos, and in the threshold, the Earl will be in control of it all, and the CIA and FBI won't even know what hit them. It very well might become World War III._

He grimaced at the thought. He had witnessed the war in Iraq before coming to America and see what wrath it had brought upon the people. Dead bodies, roadside bombings, the works. The Earl just saw it as research material.

Brain growing tired, he forced himself to shove aside those thoughts and tried to think of something less tiresome. Kanda was the first thing that came into his mind, which made him groan in displeasure. He didn't want to think about that fight, either. It continued to persist in the recesses of his mind, though, so he had no choice. He frowned. Kanda had some problems, that was for certain. First the hallucinations, then the constant cutting himself off from people… one thing after another, and he had only recently met him.

One thing was for certain, though: He was the most interesting person he had met. It even seemed that Kanda's entire existence was a contradiction, but he didn't know how to explain it to himself, so it remained a mystery of as to how. He was working on it, though. He would figure it out.

The alarm clock beamed in bright numbers "9:01". He mulled over thoughts for a little over an hour. Sighing, he set his alarm so that he wouldn't miss class at college tomorrow, rolled over, and fell asleep.

Outside the room, Bookman was busy writing away, talking to Cross about a variety of things. Somehow, their topic diverted to different assortments of red wine. The old man sighed after Cross proclaimed which types were best and which types were so poor that Bookman had to destroy and piss on every bottle he saw. From there, it went to drug abuse and colleges, and from that to sex.

"…As much as it _amuses_ me to listen to you ramble," Bookman said sarcastically, interrupting the man who was rambling about how he scored a threesome the other night, "we really need to get back to the subject."

"Ah, yes, yes." Cross sounded like he was lighting another cigarette. The fool was probably reclining in a chair with women clinging to him from both sides. "I actually have something to deliver to you, Bookman. It's an information leak my partner found within the last hour or so."

Bookman almost rose out of his chair from surprise. Cross Marian, the laziest cop of them all, actually _did_ something? "You're kidding. The Earl—"

"—made a mistake," Cross finished for him. "I figured you'd want to see it, but I recommend you come here later. I've got company coming over."

_Figures. _He sighed. "Very well. What time should I arrive?"

"I would say tomorrow, but you sound eager to get it." A sound of inhaling, then slow exhaling came over the receiver. "Alright, fine. Come here around eleven-thirty. I'll be done by then. If you feel really lazy, just send your stupid apprentice over here."

_He's far from stupid. If only you would look past the dumb exterior. _He sighed. "All right. I'll send him over. Thank you, Marian."

"See you, Bookman."

A click faintly resonated in ear, then silence. He placed the phone off to one side before frowning at the table. Newspapers from all over the continent spread out across the top and on the floor. Nothing new had changed, however the CEO position of BP (British Petroleum) was now open. The Gulf oil spill was coming close to an end, so he had a feeling one of the Noah will take over, paying off whoever would come into position.

_The President coming here will be the starting point. _Bookman's eyes narrowed. _We must protect the President and the people there at all costs. One mistake will send all of this tumbling into chaos. God only knows we need more of that._

He walked towards the kitchen and began washing the dishes. He would wake up his apprentice later. For now, however, he could rest.

~O~

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

The time it took to get to midnight was slow. Kanda's eyes seemed glued to the clock as he watched the little hand go around in full circle every sixty seconds. The time changed from eight to nine to ten to eleven, and it was now eleven twenty-one. His hands fisted into balls as he clenched the cloth of the blanket, worried. Not that he would ever admit it, but he was. Alma kept sighing in response to his worry, saying things like 'he's just going to get in our way later' and 'you never cared about before, why now?'

Tock.

Eleven-thirty. He could barely take it. He squeezed his eyes shut in response, hoping it would go away. He hated this. Emotions could not be controlled by logical means, but the only way to be logical is to shove emotions aside. How could anyone do that? He tried, but he failed, and now he was stuck with this.

Tick.

Eleven-thirty-nine. The thing was, attachment was under emotions. He knew that. That's why he tried to not be attached to anyone. People left you in the end, so he never saw the point, but the damn Baka Usagi managed to do something. That hug. That fucking hug ruined everything for him.

Tock.

Eleven-forty-six.

_Fuck it. _

He sat up, shoving the covers off him and stepping onto the floor.

'Stop it, Yuu! He must've bewitched you somehow!' Alma was glaring at him. 'If you go after him, then you do care about him and you're leaving me behind. I will not allow it!'

He hesitated and grimaced. Alma was right. He couldn't leave him behind. He laid back down and closed his eyes, hearing the clock tick away the remaining minutes that building had. They were going to die. Every last person in that building was dead, period, no exceptions. The feeling of guilt swamped him, but he knew he would have to put up with this if he wanted to be part of the Noah. He would be able to do it.

Tick.

Sirens could be heard from a mile away in the silence of the night. Undoubtedly, the fires sprang up from all over the building, so the whole thing would be consumed in a matter of fifteen seconds or less. It was over.

Lavi was dead.

Alma jumped for joy as Kanda felt everything just becoming a little bit sadder. Dead. What a lonely thought. It proved his theory right, though. Everyone you liked left eventually and never came back. Alma never did. He was the only exception. Content with that thought, he managed to close his eyes and ignored the harrowed screams of the fire trucks.

_He's dead._

~O~

"So… after much debating to myself... _Why_ am I here again?"

The address (with the word 'Brat' at the end of it) was written in Bookman's fancy handwriting, practiced calligraphy from many years of writing, which was in his hand. He had gotten lost more than five times trying to find the place, and, by luck when he thought he was lost yet again, he came across it. The building looked shabby, with broken beer bottles and trash littering the place. One of the windows had a crack splicing it through the middle as the light near it flickered once or twice as he stood.

He sighed. Leave it to the old Panda to send him to Cross at eleven-thirty at night.

He opened the front door and left the deserted street to enter a far-more deserted wasteland of an apartment building. The halls had been darkened with the lack of light, and he could hear shuffling of someone probably drunk in the halls. Cross was incredibly desperate to keep his identity hidden if he were living there.

He groped around to find the wall and smacked his hand against it, making sure he didn't lose track of it. Every time he reached a door, he felt the shape of the number to see if it was suite number seventeen. He got up to suite six when a hand slapped over his mouth and began dragging him away.

"Mmfh!" Lavi tried tearing the hand away from his mouth, but to no success. A chemical filled his nostrils as panic seized him. _Shit, chloroform? Where the hell did he… get some of… that… No… I have to… stay awake…_

His eye drooped slowly as a gunshot sounded through the halls and caused him to snap himself out of the delirium of false-sleep. The hand scuttled away as another shot sounded, then silence. Lavi tried to make out the shape of who it was in the darkness, but instead a hand grabbed his wrist and led him away into an apartment.

"You have shit-luck, kid. That guy was as drunk as I was a week back and had poor motor skills. I'm shocked that he managed to get you."

Lavi frowned as the lights of the room turned on. Cross inhaled deeply before exhaling smoke. His frown deepened. "Well, when it's that dark and you can't see, it's hard to notice something like that. Excuse me for not having your awesome cop-skills or whatever. I'm just a Bookman apprentice."

"You don't need to tell me. I already know."

He walked to the center of the room, where a coffee table was. On top of it were several folders that had different names on them. Behind the coffee table was a couch facing the door. A Persian rug covered the floor. He could see the kitchen and the living room connected as one without a door separating the two. In the back, an open window allowed air to flow in the room. Surprisingly, a picture of a woman (Chinese, perhaps? Lavi couldn't tell) in a frame rested silently on a cabinet beside two candles. She looked like she was wearing the uniform Cross was wearing.

"She died in the force," he answered the unasked question. "She was quite the beautiful woman. Anita was her name. She had another partner, Mahoja, who was a skilled fighter. Both were killed in a fight against one of the Earl's henchmen. Six shots to the chest each, though they suffered little."

"I'm sorry." Lavi tried his best to be sympathetic, but it didn't quite work for him. Sympathy was not a trait he carried. "Is that why you took on this case? For revenge?"

"I had this case long before she died, kid. Revenge is stupid."

_At least he thinks clearly, then. _He nodded. "Agreed."

"Anyways, here's that folder your grandfather needs," he said, handing him one of the folders. "Definite slip-up. We got someone to ask for 'Adam Millennium' at one of the hotels, and the name came up registered. He's definitely here, in this town. That means…"

"…our guess for his motivation was right— He wants to take down the President," Lavi finished. "Wonderful. Just what we needed."

"You're telling me." Cross sighed. "Means an extra shift when he comes around." He glanced over his shoulder and sighed. "It's midnight, kid. You should probably head back home. Tell the old man I said hi for me."

"In short, you have another girl coming over here."

"Out. Now."

Lavi rolled his eyes as he and the folder in his hands promptly left the room, closing the door behind him. Cross was an asshole, but he was a dedicated asshole. Tucking the folder under his arm, he walked around in the dark, hearing the low whimpers of a scared person. Cross didn't kill him after all— those shots were meant to scare him off. Or they were blanks, considering how quiet it was compared to most gunshots. Television and movies got it wrong. The sound of a gunshot could leave you deafened for hours if you're in an enclosed space.

The sound of a siren caught his attention, but nothing more. It was either someone dying or a fire, one of the two. He stepped out into the less-than-pleasant street and sighed heavily. Bookman seriously needed to stop being lazy and get his own folders, because this was getting ridiculous. He kept walking until he got onto the main road, which was just as desolate as the previous one. Walking around at midnight was what one normally considered as 'crazy'. He shrugged. Arguing with Bookman would have been crazier.

He sniffed the air as he got onto his street. The fire seemed fairly close to where he lived, judging by the scents. He kept walking when a blaze and smoke instantly transfixed him and stopped him from walking. On fire, right in front of him, was his apartment building.

"Panda… Yuu…" His eyes widened as many thoughts rushed through his head. _Shit shit SHIT they're probably still in there oh my fucking GOD no no no this isn't happening wake up Lavi SHIT what if they're still in there no this can't be happening not to me no to other people this is not real shit_

He briskly ran towards where all the fire trucks (three, one of which was from the neighboring town) were and gasped as he got closer. Top to bottom, ground floor to the roof, was food for the expansive flames. Water shot from all directions, hoping to douse it, as firefighters tried to rush into the building to help people. Two immediately pulled back as the entrance collapsed, one being trapped inside. They worked triple-speed to dig him out and managed to get him away.

However, Lavi cared less about the firefighters. He was more focused on the fact that his grandfather and Yuu (maybe, considering he didn't know if he returned) were in there. One of the firefighters pushed him back as the building seemed to groan in defeat as the top floor, almost in slow motion, came hurling towards the ground. The others quickly evacuated, calling for medical assistance, as their hopes for containing the blaze dwindled to ashes.

"You alright, sir?" one of them asked.

"Where… Where are they?" He responded, eyes watching the many pieces of falling embers fall to the ground without care.

"Do you live here?"

"Yes… My grandfather… he lived here too, and my best friend…"

"I'm sorry," the firefighter said, patting a hand onto his shoulder, "but as far as we can tell, there are no survivors. The flames ignited from what we believe a main circuitry problem, which caused the whole building to go up at once. It's quite rare for something like that to happen."

_No survivors. No survivors? _He blinked. _How can that be? I just saw them not too long ago! This can't be real. I'm only dreaming._ He blinked again as his mouth opened slowly, but no sound came out. _Only dreaming. Wake up. _His fist balled up and dug his nails into his skin, causing unregistered pain to come to light. The yells of the others became distant as the sound of a police car came from behind him.

"I got here as soon as I… shit," Cross finished, noticing the apprentice Bookman just standing there. "You, kid!" He grabbed him by the shirt and shook him. "Where is your old man?"

"…Building," he managed, pointing at the burning structure. Cross glanced past him and pushed him aside, yelling something at someone, but the redhead didn't bother listening what he was saying. Panda was dead. And what about Yuu? Was he dead, too, or had he yet to return? If Yuu was alive, he didn't lose everybody. However, the chances of him being out until midnight were slim.

_This can't just be a coincidence. _He watched Cross yell more orders and the firemen follow them. The leader was yelling along side him, relaying directions. _Can't be. The Earl comes to town, and a fire just conveniently starts at our apartment in the middle of the night, which the firefighters think is caused by a 'rare' occurrence. No way. There is no way I am buying that. This has to be because of the Earl!_ His teeth grinded together as a spark in his eye ignited. _That's it! I'm sick of your games, Earl! I will hunt you down to the ends of the Earth if I have to, and your little Noah friends, too! _

_I WILL KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!_

The thought was clearer than a new set of headphones fresh from the store. He bitterly watched the death of his grandfather and potentially his friend, Kanda Yuu, as the flames began to recede due to the fire hoses.

The stars became clouded over by the smoke, hiding away any hope left for the redhead as the building's remains stood before him in a pile of ash and bitterness.

The Queen of the Devil took a white Knight.

~O~

Whoot! Chapter 10, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It is greatly appreciated! Also, I like my chess references. I like chess. I'm sorry I'm such a nerd. (Don't ask about the chapter title. It will make sense later… I think.) Well then, I guess I'll see you in Chapter 11! (Rhyming for your pleasure. Hah!) —Mr. Ree


	11. Rough Divide

I did it! Hello, welcome to Chapter 11 of 'Drugtionary'! I finally finished this chapter! It was as tedious as washing dishes in cold water! Anyways, I got a grand total of 58 reviews by Chapter 10: Marufu-chan, Saga of Eternal Rain, Fallende, Grinss, and Hikou no Kokoro! You guys keep me motivated, you know that, right? Sadly, I can't reply to all of you (Grinss… ;_; ). However, I can give you a chapter! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 11 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

11. Rough Divide

The morning greeted him with dark clouds and a couple of rumbles of thunder. Despite it being so late in the season (it was autumn, after all), it rather suited his mood. He was mad, mostly because he had to get up and get ready to drop out of school, and that meant dealing with Leverrier, also known as Satan's Spawn. No one, not even Lenalee, was safe from his grasp.

Lenalee was also a problem. Undoubtedly, he would run into her and she would be concerned because she knew where he lived. She would ask how he was and where Lavi was, when in reality, the bastard was dead. He didn't want to talk about it. The very thought of it made him partially sick, because he knew what was coming and didn't stop it. Baka Usagi's death was on his hands, which pleased Alma to no end, though Kanda was less than enthused.

He sat up, pushing aside the covers before staring blankly at his own hands. Large as they were, he could only see bloodstains on them. He knew they wouldn't come off, mostly because he knew they were a hallucination, but that didn't change anything. The color reminded him of the bean sprout's deformed hand, which was red and wrinkled and had that cross embedded into it. How he managed to do that was beyond him, because it looked too painful and time-consuming for words.

A soft chipper indicated the skipping of the annoying Noah girl, Rhode, which was coming in the direction of his room. He sighed heavily. She couldn't be any worse than Allen could.

"Yoo-hoo, Kanda!" She opened the door, beaming darkly in the way that she had, and walked lightly on her feet towards him. "Oh? You're already up? No fair! That takes the fun out of everything!" She folded her arms across her chest before huffing. "Well, whatever. I found a pair of clothes that would work for you. Your old ones are going in the wash. Though, in my opinion, we should throw them away, because they look icky and gross, like an old lollipop found in a couch cushion."

He frowned. "I never asked for your fashion advice, now did I?"

"No, but I felt like stating the obvious. Hurry up! We're going to leave soon."

He watched her leave, closing the door behind her, which left him alone. He groaned loudly. _Alma, please tell me she's an Akuma so I can stab her repeatedly with Mugen…_

'Sorry, Yuu,' he replied, tossing a stone across a pond, 'but she's as real as you.'

Annoyed, he stood up and stretched, noticing a pair of clothes sitting on the cabinet for him. He didn't even notice she brought them in with her. He shrugged. Weirder things have happened to him. He put them on, not caring for the fact that they seemed rather big on him, and found his shoes. He needed a new pair soon, because the soles were starting to fall off. Nothing was going right for him anymore.

Then again, life wasn't that simple.

He tied on the shoes before pushing the door out of his way, his stomach growling. Food was in order, though what the Noah had in supply was in question. Rhode's voice picked up in his ears, followed by a small 'hmm' by Tyki. It didn't take less than a sentence to know she was talking about Moyashi, which didn't surprise him in the least. He tuned out their conversation. _Hey, do you have any advice on how to mange Leverrier? I can't just go in there and not expect a bruise or two. _

'Bring a stick that looks capable of knocking someone out without breaking. That generally works, and it shuts people up, too.'

_Are you speaking from personal experience?_

'You threatened me with Mugen numerous of times. I found it effective against me, so why not against Leverrier?' He shrugged. 'I doubt those rumors about him having that army of Crows or whatever aren't real. I think he's a big fat liar.'

_Well, you got the 'big' and 'fat' part down… Even though he really isn't. _Kanda dug through the kitchen (which had far too many cabinets for his liking. Seriously, who needed twenty of those things? Not even the rich did) to find something he actually liked, which was oatmeal. It was perfectly plain, which made him happier than normal. However, Kanda did not have happiness— all he had was 'less annoyed than normal'.

"Ew, oatmeal. Yuck!" The littler girl scrunched her face after seeing him eat some of the mushy substance. "Out of all the things. Not only does your fashion sense suck, but your taste buds could have a revision, too."

"Did I ask for your opinion on what I dressed like and what I ate?"

"Didn't you already ask that question, girly?" Rhode giggled. "I felt like stating the obvious."

"_What_ did you just call me?"

"Oh, settle down," Tyki intervened, stepping in between the two. "Rhode is just upset because Allen blew her off, so she's taking it out on you. Don't pay her any attention." He pulled out a package of cigarettes and pulled one out, lighting it before inhaling deeply. "Anyways, you two are cutting it close to what time you need to be at school. It's a thirty minute walk from here to there, so I recommend you two leave now."

"What about you, Tyki?" Rhode asked, looking confused.

"I'll drive, obviously. Besides, my first class isn't until nine this morning. I don't have to rush." He seemed to be smirking, but Kanda couldn't tell. "You, bouya. Be careful around Leverrier. If anything goes wrong, say, 'Adam Millennium will not be pleased', and he should let you go off the bat."

The Japanese man blinked. _Did Leverrier make a deal with the Earl? That would explain why he acts so high and mighty at our school. Huh._

He placed the bowl off to one side and tried looking for his backpack— _Oh wait, I don't have one anymore, and I don't need it, anyways… _—before starting to leave. Rhode followed behind him, carrying a pink umbrella with a pumpkin on it. He frowned. The rain was starting to pick up, which he despised, as they pushed past the double doors of the Grandworth. Lightning spruced up overhead, causing a lightshow for its prepaid guests to enjoy. Little drops of hydrogen oxide fell onto his head, causing him to scowl.

"You wanna share my umbrella?" Rhode offered, giggling.

"Fuck no. I'd be found dead before I get caught sharing a pink umbrella with a girl."

"It was just a question! No need to be a meanie-jerk! See, this is how you and Allen are different. He actually has manners, where as you do not! He's also…"

At that point, Kanda tuned her out. Talk of the bean sprout first thing in the morning was the first sign that his day was not going to go well. The thunderstorm going on was the second indication, and going to see Leverrier to drop out of school was the hook, line, and sinker. If that wasn't bad enough, going _clothes shopping _with _Rhode_ was the final nail in the cardboard box coffin.

Her ranting became gibberish as Alma started throwing bigger rocks into the pond, the large 'splash' noises being enough to cut at least her speech in half. At one point, he found a baseball bat and began tossing the large stones into the air, whacking them with a hard force that caused them to ricochet off the trees and into the pond. It nearly deafened him, but at that point, he cared less.

Another flash of lightning beamed in the darkened hearts of the clouds as the school gates came into eye's view. He could hear the annoying girl ask him if he was even listening, but he ignored her to answer her question. She rolled her eyes as they stepped into the main yard, deserted of all teenaged-life. The rain had chased them off or (hopefully) melted them. The doors loomed in front of them like gateways to a mental hospital, only full of loud inmates who couldn't contain their stupidity.

To Kanda, it was a mental Hell.

He opened the door for Rhode, mostly because he wanted to get rid of her as soon as possible. The main hall was crowded with people, the noise level higher than normal. He grimaced. Why couldn't he have just stayed home?

"Kanda!"

Lenalee. He pushed into the crowd, hoping to lose her. Alma blinked out confusion and asked something, though the noise cloaked it down to a little buzz of nothing. He stepped behind one person, then another, then broke out of the chippers of illiterate morons and ran. The school building had four levels, three above ground and one underneath. He rushed by a teacher— Tiedoll, who blinked once in amazement —before leaping up four stairs at once, hoping to ditch her.

Sadly, the sole of his shoe flipped back and caught on the stair, causing him to fall face-first onto the cement step. Lenalee, who was one step behind, stopped and frowned. She helped him up and sighed. "Why did you run away from me?"

"Che." He rubbed his forehead, annoyed that his own shoes betrayed him, the bastards.

"That's not an answer." She sat down on the step beside him, still frowning. He hated it when she looked like that. It meant she was going to go into a speech about something pointless or ask stupid questions. He placed his bet on the latter. "Anyways, I read in the newspaper today that there was a fire at your apartment building and that…" Her voice trailed off, as if trying to find a nice way to say something terrible.

"That people died," he finished for her. He already knew that much. He knew that much and didn't want to talk about it, period. It was a subject locked behind twenty doors, though Lenalee was the type to pick at those locks until she died or they gave way.

"Yes. That people died." Her fingers fidgeted as she chewed her bottom lip. "I was worried that… that you were one of them, Kanda. But you're not." She looked over at him, noticing how blank his look was. "Did… Did Lavi…?"

"Who the fuck cares about that damn rabbit?"

"Kanda—!"

"Che." His glare caused her to fall silent, her hands covering her mouth. "In reality, I don't know if he's alive. I think he's dead. I don't care. He was just a stupid idiot, in the end." He stood up, glaring down at her. "So don't ask me anymore stupid questions."

She stood up as well and returned his glare. "It's not stupid, it's logical. He was your friend—"

"—I _don't_ have any friends—"

"—and you _do_ care, I know you do—"

"—Stop making assumptions, that pisses me o—"

"—and _will you let me finish!" _She slapped him hard enough to make an echo sound, followed by silence. His face turned into a look of hatred as a result. Lenalee didn't seem to notice, nor did she care. "Listen to me, Kanda! I am so sick of your attitude on this! Stop that! Stop saying that you don't care when you do! Look at you!" She grabbed him by the collar, causing him to look her in the eyes. Tears were definitely there in her eyes. "I can tell you do! I know you're worried, otherwise, you wouldn't have tried to run!"

"Lenalee—"

"Don't." She let him go, turning her head away. "I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it." Her shoulders shook slightly, which slightly irked him. "I don't want to hear it again. Kanda… I tried. I really did. I don't want to give up on you, but if you keep living in denial, if you keep living like this, then you're really going to end up as a pathetic existence."

"And—"

"—that's bad, how?" she finished, voice surprisingly low. "It is bad. You don't understand, do you? Lavi would have asked me where you were if you were the one missing in action. He would have been worried, because I know he saw you as a friend. When I saw you two together, I was happy. I thought you finally found a decent friend who would be there for you. And now look." She turned her head, crying. "Now look! You are just acting like it's not important!"

"It's not important." He began descending the stairs, leaving her behind. "I don't care, Lenalee. You're little view on life has nothing to do with me. If he's dead, good. If not, then the fire didn't finish its job." He stopped to look at her. She was staring at the stairs, hopeless and defeated. "I'm dropping out of school, Lenalee. You'll never hear from me again. I'll become that 'pathetic existence' you claimed me to be, and I still won't care. You might as well stop, too."

"Kanda—!"

"As I said before," he said calmly, walking down the hall towards Leverrier's office, "most prayers go unanswered, no matter how hard you try."

~O~

He waited about an hour or so before Leverrier allowed him into his office. The stiff silence between the two consumed approximately twenty-two seconds of their time. The older man coughed once before cracking his knuckles. "Hello," he said bitterly, "Kanda."

"Che. Hello, fuck-tard," he replied, no longer caring for speaking properly. "I'm here to get my G.E.D. because I'm dropping out of you damn school system."

Leverrier raised an eyebrow. "Why should I even give you your G.E.D.? You don't even deserve it."

'Oh boy.' Alma was skipping over logs now, entering a field filled with wheat. 'I think you kinda got him on his bad side, Yuu.'

Shut up. I know. He cleared his throat. "If you don't give it to me," he said smoothly, "then I'll tell Adam Millennium that you've been uncooperative. Do I make myself clear?"

He watched as Leverrier, who was normally calm (if you call being pissed-off 'calm'), turned a shade of white, then pale, then whiter. His eyes were twitching uncontrollably, knowing that he was cornered. His hands were clenching the edge of the desk. Something told Kanda that he had the ace of spades card in his hand, and everyone knew that the ace of spades represented one thing— Death.

"You know… Shit." The man stared firmly at his desk, grinding his teeth together. Kanda knew the Earl scared some people, but he never knew to what extent. Leverrier looked as if he had just crossed the thin rope, just to find out that there was an axe aimed at his head on the other side. "Very well. It will be sent to you as soon as I fill out the paperwork required. It may take a day or so. Is that acceptable, Kanda?"

Victory was a lovely thing. The Japanese man nodded. "That's fine. Send it to the Grandworth to Adam himself."

"You damned punk." Leverrier rose from his seat. The whites of his eyes filled with popping veins, indicating his seething attitude. "How the fuck do you know the Millennium Earl?"

"Let's just say we're 'friends'," Kanda replied, and found his way out of his office, smirking to himself. That was easier than he expected. However, he was still curious of what Leverrier owed the Earl.

Alma shrugged. 'Could be money?'

_No. Leverrier makes far too much money as the principal of this high school. _He walked down the halls towards the front door, walking past the stairwell. He stopped in front of it, seeing Lenalee crying there still. He blinked once, and she was gone. Something broke inside him, though he didn't know what. He knew he hurt her feelings— it wasn't hard to do —but part of him thought he crossed the line there. Was it guilt? He shrugged it off and continued walking. _Maybe he asked for a favor. What if the Crows everyone talks about are actually the Noah?_

'I never thought of that.' His friend tapped his finger against his chin. 'That actually makes sense. If he had the Noah protecting him, then no one can touch him. Well, except for you, Yuu. You totally had him freaking out back there.'

_Che. He deserved it._

'Agreed.'

He walked back outside to see it was still raining, much to his annoyance. He was already wet and he didn't want to get sick again. He always got sick whenever he stood out in the rain long enough. Sighing, he hit his head off the door and groaned. He didn't want to think about getting sick. Last time he was sick, Baka Usagi was there. He was there, grinning, and he hugged him like a moron that he was and…

_Stop it. _He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block the memory out. _Stop it. I don't want to remember that right now. He's dead, for fuck's sake. It's over for him. So stop._

'Are you still thinking about him, Yuu?' Alma huffed angrily. 'He put a curse on you, I can just feel it. It would be best if you just forgot him like he never existed.'

_Yeah. _He stepped out into the rain and began walking. He started heading towards his apartment when he stopped. _Right, it burned down. But… _He resumed walking in that direction, wanting to see how badly it burned. He hated this thing called 'curiosity'. It always led people astray from where they were going. However, he had nothing else to do aside from waiting for Rhode, so he figured he might as well.

He walked down the familiar sidewalk and headed left, spotting Lenalee's café. He immediately turned his head away and kept walking before seeing the remains.

Charred wood and glass made up the remnants, along with yellow tape surrounding it saying 'DO NOT ENTER'. It was deserted and forgotten. He could see a doll that belonged to a little girl, probably the one on the third floor, underneath a beam, its eyes missing. The dress was scorched. Beside that was an old photo frame, the glass missing and probably scattered with everything else. Tarps were placed here and there, either covering up dead bodies or something of the like. He glanced over to his left and noticed something familiar.

Making sure that no one was around, he ducked under the yellow tape and walked towards it, frowning. It stuck out from what seemed to be part of the roof and several beams, all blackened with burn marks. He pulled on it and it ripped loudly. An orange cloth, or rather, a scarf, was in his hands, mostly okay. How did people die and the scarf remain unscathed? It was a mystery he doubted he would find out.

'Yuu? Is that your scarf?'

_No. _He folded it up and frowned, knowing it wouldn't fit in his pocket. He unfolded it and wrapped it around his neck. Even though it ripped in half (the other half was probably burnt, anyways), it was long enough to wrap around his neck. _It's no one of importance's scarf. I'm keeping it._

'Okay?'

He sighed heavily. He knew it was Lavi's scarf, but he certainly wasn't telling that to Alma. He figured it was a perfectly good scarf, so why not?

He started walking again, with no idea where he was going and not giving a damn what happened to him, leaving the building and the dead behind.

~O~

When it was confirmed that Bookman was dead, his brain went into auto-pilot mode. He could remember police asking him questions (what my name is what my age is what happened do I know no I don't stop asking me _I don't know_) and Cross talking about him living with him temporarily (until I get a new place until I manage to get my head out of this funk Lavi come on this is nothing new people die they always die die die die why did this happen) and nothing more, just blank darkness.

Or was that just the pillow covering his head?

The thunder outside boomed loudly as he removed the pillow off of his face (it's nice and cool why am I taking it off), sitting up. His back cracked with unfamiliar pain (must've slept wrong), his eye blinking away the morning fog slowly. He could hear Cross (womanizer seriously a womanizer he needs a life) outside the door, shuffling papers or something of the like (wait does he even read).

_Bookman's dead _(Bookman's dead?)_._ His own mind was betraying him (what's the point of waking up) as he stood up, his feet (cold) touching the floor.

_Yuu's dead, too _(Yuu's dead, too?)_. _

(there's no proof though) _You know it in your heart._

(bookmen have no need for a heart but I already had forgotten that huh)

He opened the closet door and saw clothes hanging from their hangers, lifeless (lifeless everything seems so damn lifeless) and limp. He pulled out a shirt and some jeans and put them on tiredly (my arms hurt).

(fucking Noah!)

He opened the door to see Cross sitting there, going through many papers. They covered the entire desk, to his surprise. He didn't even look up, but he grunted to acknowledge that he heard him there. Lavi didn't really care if he noticed him or not. He dragged a chair out from under a table and sat down, picking up one of them. It was a rough draft of a request to the President, saying something about the Earl going to try to attack on the day of the speech.

"Put it down, kid." Cross pushed aside another paper and picked up another. "This is not your war anymore."

"The hell it isn't," he replied. "Bookman tried his hardest to get these guys caught, and now you're saying I can't participate? That's bull!" He slammed his fist down onto the table, having difficulty controlling his spontaneous anger. "I—"

"You aren't doing anything until you calm down," Cross replied coolly. He looked up from the paper, having a serious expression on his face. "Your anger is ugly, and I hate being surrounded by ugly things. I would throw you out that window, but considering how I'm going to need you in two days, I have to keep you alive. Otherwise…"

Lavi blinked once and found himself putting his hands up, a gun pointed at his forehead while Cross was looking down at a paper. He moved his free hand and pulled out a cigarette, put it in his mouth, and lit it. He inhaled deeply, then exhaled before looking at the younger redhead with a fake-charming smile. "…I would have shot you by now. Understand?"

_I-Is this guy even a cop? _He nodded several times, hoping to God that the man wouldn't pull the trigger. The hand relaxed and the gun was put back in its holster.

"Anyways, we need to plan in two day's time. I have an idea for what we can do during the President's speech, which starts at eleven-fifty." Cross took out a map of the Grandworth Stadium, which was one of the largest stadiums in the county. He took out a red pen and circled it around a certain room. "This is the skybox. From here, security is going to be tight. They've installed security cameras for the event, just to be safe, but I doubt that will stop the Earl."

"I have a question…" Lavi peered closer at the map and frowned. "How come the President is giving the speech there? Isn't that the perfect spot for, I dunno, someone to assassinate him?"

"Idiot. That's why there's the skybox."

His frown deepened. "That's it?"

"And mandatory security. The President doubts that the Earl even exists, due to the lack of knowing who he really is." He sighed heavily, letting the wisps of smoke float freely through the air. Lavi never liked the concept of smoking, mostly because of how terrible it smelled. "We don't even have a photo I.D. of the bastard. The President is one of those types that he has to see it to believe it."

_That's gonna be his downfall, then. _The younger redhead sighed. "Let me guess. Are we also going to be the security without the President knowing?"

"Bingo. We take down anyone who is acting suspicious at the speech. The main entrance of the President, especially. Any slight shifts in movement that seem unnecessary we can't just avoid. Do you think you can handle that, Bookman Junior?"

_I know Bookman would have been able to. _Lavi bit his lower lip. _But me? I'm just an apprentice. If I fuck up, then everything will be my fault. However, if I do nothing, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. The President comes in two days. I can come up with a plan by then._ He nodded once, grinning. "Hell yeah."

"Don't get cocky. That attitude will kill you."

"Uh, then why are you not dead?"

"There's a difference between 'cocky' and 'just plain awesome', kid." Cross smirked at his own comeback while putting out his cigarette. "Now if you excuse me, I've got a date to attend to."

_Womanizer… _Lavi thought, watching the player leave the apartment in a flashy way. _Definitely a womanizer…_

~O~

Oh with the fire and the burning… Anyways. Woo-hoo! Chapter 11, done! So! Do you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor (I'm doing good with replying! Yay~)! See you later in Chapter 12, yatta! —Mr. Ree


	12. Killer's Ultimatum

Yo-lyo-lyo! Welcome to Chapter 12 of 'Drugtionary'! I know, school is coming up, probably the thirty-first for most of us. The sadness! You know what the cool thing is? This will be my last year of high school! Huzzah! Senioridus, here I come! Anyways, for last chapter, I got 65 reviews: Hikou no Kokoro, Grinss (get the account, man! XD), omgitskirby, marufu-chan, MuffinStealer, Brigette Janine, and mori-fan987! I cannot say thank you enough! I love you all! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 12 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is prop— Wait, am I really doing this again? This is the twelfth bloody chapter! You get it by now, right? Right? Damn well better.

~O~

12. Killer's Ultimatum

He tapped his finger irritably on the gate behind him, sick of waiting. On the plus side, the rain let up, but not even that could relieve him of his inconsiderable bad mood. School got out at two-fifteen, and he got there about twenty minutes early after wandering about with nothing else to do. He certainly didn't want to return to the Grandworth. He wanted to avoid that place as much as possible, mostly because he couldn't stand the amount of falseness there was.

The bell rang, much to his relief, and shouts of annoying teenagers began filling his ears. He stepped around the corner and watched the doors for Rhode, despite his yearning for wanting to run away. Alma was trying not to laugh, though he failed miserably, which caused Kanda to scowl at him. He caught sight of white hair, which he immediately recognized as the annoying bean sprout, and attached to his arm was Rhode, giggling and smiling in her odd demeanor that caused the hairs on the back of his neck raise ever-so-slightly, not that he would ever admit it. She took notice of him, said something to Allen, who nodded, and the two approached him.

_Wait. _Kanda felt his ever-present frown deepen. _Why is Moyashi coming over here?_

'I don't know…' Alma scratched the side of his head, making one of those confused faces that one would expect in an anime show. 'Maybe Rhode threatened him to come with her? Oh!' He snapped his fingers. 'Maybe she told him that you are going clothes shopping with her and that she wanted him to tag along! Knowing that annoying idiot, he would agree just to make your life hell.'

The very thought of that occurring caused him to groan when they arrived, Allen grinning devilishly and Rhode being… Rhode. She skipped around the Japanese man before speaking in a singsong voice. "Tee hee! Ready to go, Kanda?"

"Che." He glared at Allen, who returned it in equal malice. "Why is _he _here?"

"I came because I wanted to, Ba-Kanda," he replied. He looked around. "Where's your boyfriend? I thought we could have made it a double date. Or did he dump you already?"

"Boyfriend? What the hell are you talking about—?" He blinked once, having it dawn on him along with the past memories of humiliation, then snarled. "You fucking Moyashi! I don't even fucking _like_ that damned rabbit, and you have the nerve to say that we're dating—?" He glanced past the shorter teenager to see Lenalee, who was talking to Tyki, probably about the science assignment. He grimaced. "We'll argue about this later. Let's just go already!"

He started leaving ahead of them, causing the other two to blink in confusion and shrug, then followed behind him. Rhode eventually skipped ahead him, talking about more random subjects, like the rain and strawberries. Kanda said nothing as Allen politely nodded and smiled, encouraging her to keep talking. He wondered what drugs he was on, being able to put up with her constant chattering.

"Ah!" She skipped in triumph. "Here we are!"

_Thank God. Let's just get this over with. _

The clothes store was a small place, locally owned and managed. The floors consisted of wood and creaked whenever he stepped onto a piece. Old, definitely, but the owners were as old as Death, too. Rhode headed over towards the men's selection, surveying the amount of clothes there. Several other people occupied the shop, mostly just browsing, as he grimaced out of annoyance. The lights were giving him a headache, probably because they were fluorescent bulbs, flickering occasionally out of age.

"This looks good— Ooh! That looks even better! Hmm…" She placed the two shirts up against Kanda's chest and nodded. "Yeah, they both work. Allen! You hold onto these for me, okay? I would ask Mr. Grumpy-Pants over here, but I have to use him as my model."

"Fine by me." He could hear the 'just so long as I get to see Ba-Kanda humiliated I am willing to do anything' afterwards, but he refrained from punching the kid into the clothes racks. Of all the places to get arrested, it would be the worst in the world. In addition, an elderly couple owned the place. He had rules against offending the elderly.

"And this one and this… Huh. Would that fit you? It looks like something you would wear. Hmm. Okay, you need to try this on, so go to that fitting room. And try these, too." She took the clothes that she stacked onto Allen, gave them to the irritated man, and giggled. "I'll look for more while you're in there, m'kay? Go, go!"

_You don't have to push me to get away from you. I will do it willingly. _He walked towards the small, cramped space and closed the door, sighing. _Why am I here again? It's not as if it matters. I could have gone by myself, I have the money. I could have—_

His thoughts stopped short and his breathing turned shallow as he glanced in the full-length mirror on the door. The clothes, somehow, combined and made up a monster. Its tongue consisted of a red shirt (Rhode didn't even get him a red shirt, as he recalled) and was dripping out green, gooey-looking socks. The body was mostly black, its arms made of wool fabric. However, the spikes that clad its otherwise soft body consisted of wire hangers, all of which concealed by cuffs of shirts, though they didn't do a good job.

_Holy fucking shit. _He pressed his back up against the changing room door, eyes wide. _It's fucking huge! How am I going to get out of this one? Shit! _He glanced around the small space to see that there was nothing for him to use. His fingers tried desperately to find the little latch that kept the door shut, but he did not dare to turn his back against the thing. One faulty move and his life was over.

'Yuu!' Alma panicked, too, as he frantically began shaking his head. 'Yuu, you've got to get out of here!'

_I'm fucking trying! Got any fucking suggestions I could actually use, idiot? _The thing leaned over him, forcing him to slide down the door. His breathing hitched a little faster, though he refused to let fear get the best of him. He jabbed his fingers into the thing's eyes (which felt like dipping his fingers in uncooked meat), making it reel back, shrieking in pain. It recovered quickly, though, as Kanda tried to open the door. He hesitated to look back and saw it coming at him.

_Shit…!_

He braced for impact, though the impact never came. He waited for what felt like a week and nothing happened. Slowly, he moved his arms away from his face, seeing the pile of clothes there on the floor, rumpled together. He stood up and Alma stood with him, though unlike Kanda he was shaking violently. The Japanese man picked up one of the shirts and frowned.

_Well, _he thought, trying it on, _at least something exciting happened._

'T-That's all you have to say? That thing could've killed us!' His friend was clinging to a tree, breathing arduously. 'How the heck aren't you scared? Death just flashed before our eyes!'

_It wasn't real, Alma. _He tried on the next shirt, actually liking the design on it. Rhode had a good fashion sense, after all. _It was just a hallucination. Calm down._

'Okay…' He let go of the tree and sighed, looking at the mirror. 'Whoa, that looks awesome! You're not going to tell that to Rhode, are you.'

_Nope. _He put the shirts and jeans back onto their proper hangers and stepped out of the room, frowning. Rhode was chatting away with Allen, who was smiling as always. How much he wished to watch those little teeth fall onto the floor, blood staining the aged wood, caused by his rather large fist. He sighed. If he were an Akuma, he could do it.

"Oh, there you are! You took forever!" She swiped the clothes from him. "So, did they fit? I bet they did, hmm?" She leaned her face rather close to his, eying him suspiciously, then grinned. "You liked them! Good. Let's go buy them!" She skipped off towards the register, pulling out her wallet and talking to the elderly woman. It was funny to Kanda how a member of one of the largest drug dealers could freely talk to an innocent person.

He laughed cynically inside his head. He was one of them now, and he talked freely to Lenalee as if nothing even happened.

How ironic.

"Thank you very much!" He heard Rhode say, then felt the sleeve of his shirt tugged at. She was grinning as always. "Let's go home, okay? Let's walk Allen home first, though. Okay, Allen?"

The boy nodded, looking amused. Until recently, Allen had been the nicest person on the face of the planet, which pissed Kanda off more than anything. Something happened, though, and now he seemed up to something. He didn't know what, but Allen was hiding something. Not that it really mattered, but curiosity nagged at him often.

They left the small shop and stepped onto the sidewalk, a bus driving by them slowly. Rhode walked ahead as Allen tagged along beside her, Kanda hanging in the back and frowning. They reached the bean sprout's house, and as she waved Allen goodbye, she glanced at Kanda. "The Earl sent me a text message, saying he wants to see you. Apparently, he has a job or something for you to accomplish. It's like one of those test-job things, you know?" She spun in a full circle before skipping up and running down the sidewalk. "Hurry up, or you'll be late!"

_Why did I sign up again? _He grimaced, then ran behind her, hating that damn cheerful laugh she had. The scarf around his neck nearly slipped off several times, but he caught it each time as he beat her to the fancy hotel. The sun illuminated the windows, much to his irritation, and entered the building. The Miranda girl waved at them and Rhode waved back. He didn't like waving at people, period.

They walked up the stairs and down the hall to their room. "We're home!" Rhode sang, handing Kanda the bag of clothes and skipped towards the kitchen. He sighed heavily as he walked to his room and put the bag in one corner. He took off the scarf and folded it up, putting it under the bed. He would find a use for it later.

He left the room and headed towards the dining room, having a feeling that the infamous Earl would be there. The top hat, shiny and slick from being cleaned, was decorated with cherry blossoms and a bow, courtesy of Rhode. He was eating something again. Did he do anything aside from eat? Kanda bowed his head. "Hello, Earl."

"Ah, Kanda." He stabbed his spoon into an ice cream float, one that he doubted he could finish. "Good to see you. I have a little errand for you to accomplish. You see, one of my clients haven't paid me in about three months, and I need him erased. You're strong, aren't you?"

"Yes." It wasn't in question, he knew he was strong.

"Wonderful. I have arranged a meeting with him to 'talk' later tonight in an alleyway near the local café." He pulled the cherry off the top of the ice cream float, biting into it and causing the red juices to run down the sides of his mouth. "I want you to shoot him dead and bring the body with you. I'll send along Tyki to come and pick you up. He drives a black Mustang, you can't possibly miss it. If anyone spots you, you shoot them, too, and leave their body. I don't like having too many bodies here. Just leave any extras for the police to toy with. Understand?"

_Che. Murder. Great. _He nodded. "Of course."

"I have high hopes for you. Do not fail me."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"Bor-ring!" Rhode leapt up and clung to the Earl's back. "I thought you were gonna have him kill ten people or something! Bah, who cares? Play with me, Earl!"

Kanda slinked away from the room and walked back to his own, closing the door. He sat at the edge of the bed and stared at his hands. Killing someone. He could handle it. All he had to do was view the person as an Akuma and— viola! —the job would be finished.

'I have faith in you, Yuu.' Alma was sitting on a sandy beach, staring blankly at the waves. The sun highlighted his hair to make it look glossy. 'Just think of it as training— training to get stronger. Harden your heart so that nothing can bother you, not even seeing human blood. You are like a sandstorm— Strong, devastating, unfeeling, and unstoppable. I have faith in you.'

_Thanks for the pep talk. _He laid down and blinked, feeling a lump under his pillow. He felt underneath his head and pulled out a gun, one shined and looking deadly. He stared at it for a long moment. A pistol. If he was going to be in an alleyway, the sound might not bother him so much. He stroked the gun out of boredom and frowned. Six-bullet chamber. All he needed was one shot, if he was stealthy enough.

He sighed. If he was going to go out late at night, he might as well take a nap.

~O~

"_Yuu-chan."_

The waters were cold and made his fingers go numb. All sounds blended together, though there was barely any sound at all. He couldn't breathe, except somehow it didn't matter if he breathed or not. The water receded and left him on a beach consisting of gray sand, darkened by the silver clouds raining their long forgotten children. His fingers clenched around something soft.

"_Yuu-chan."_

He didn't bother sitting up. Another wave washed over him as he blinked slowly. The water was salty and displeasing to the mouth, so he forced himself to crawl a little bit higher onto the sand. Everything felt heavy, but everything was light. The forgotten children splashed onto rocks, splitting them into multiple pieces and making their demise unhappy. He couldn't bring himself to care.

"_Yuu-chan, are you unhappy?"_

_Not you again. _His fingers lost strength as the black rabbit floated in front of him, free from its captor.

"_I asked you a question. Are you unhappy? The clouds in your head are. They're trying to say something. Can you hear them?" _The rabbit stared up at the sky and caught one of the forgotten children. _"I can. They're saying that you're fighting for the wrong people."_

_I don't care._

"_Don't care, you say? Don't care?" _The rabbit seemed to sneer. _"Don't care? You do, otherwise you wouldn't be 'here'."_

_What is 'here'?_

Silence. The rabbit let the forgotten child fall, a scream of betrayal that Kanda barely heard unleashed before splattering amongst the sand. He stared for a second longer, assuming he wasn't going to get an answer, and allowed his mind to drift slowly throughout time.

"_Tick, tock, tick, tock, watching the clock's hands go by," _the rabbit finally said, though the waves were already taking Kanda back into the dark ocean. It sounded like a poem, though he didn't care. _"Fourteen petals, all falling, all possessing a mark / A mark of a number, a mark of when one will die / And set sail onto that final Ark."_

_What is that supposed to— _

"—mean…?"

His eyes opened against his will, his vision blurred as always. He rubbed it away before sitting up, groaning. The window showed that it was night as the door opened, showing Tyki standing there, a cigarette in his mouth. "Bouya," he said, "it's time."

'Good luck, Yuu.' Alma said, yawning.

Kanda picked the gun up off the floor and double-checked it to make sure it was loaded. When he saw the six bullets, he closed the chamber and shoved his pathetic-looking shoes onto his feet. He grabbed a black sweatshirt and put it on, putting the gun in the front pocket. He already didn't like this. He followed Tyki out of his room and into the living room. The Earl grinned as always.

"You meet him in approximately twenty minutes," he said, rocking back and forth in the old-looking rocking chair. "Do you remember everything I told you?"

"Shoot him dead, bring the body with you, shoot any other witnesses, and leave their bodies there."

"Good boy. Now go."

_I hate it when people call me 'boy'. _He nodded before following Tyki once again, this time down the stairs and out into the city metropolis. The Grandworth was sparkling in their variety of lights as his accomplice got into a car. He sat down in the passenger's seat before they sped off into the night. Silence ensued for about five minutes before Tyki finally broke the muteness.

"Alright, bouya. A few words of advice, considering this is going to be your first job." He turned left before speaking again. "First thing is first— No hesitations. If you hesitate, it will allow the other person to attack. Second, you want to wait until they're at least ten feet away from you. Any further and you risk missing and having to fire another shot. Thirdly, and most importantly, aim for the head. Got it?"

Kanda nodded, having nothing to say.

"Good. I'll be waiting here," he said, pulling into a parking spot. The streetlight was making an annoying hum noise as the light flickered on and off. It had been a problem for years, and even though the city replaced it constantly, it still continued to flicker. "You are meeting him in that alley there. It's behind that local café. When you're done, take the body with you, but don't drag it. Skin will take care of the evidence later."

_They really are professionals. I wonder what the fuck Rhode does? All she seems to do is annoy everybody. _He nodded and got out of the car, slamming the door shut before walking towards the alleyway. It took him a moment to recognize where he was. It was Lenalee's café.

_But it's nine o'clock at night. She wouldn't be here, would she? _

He ducked into the alley and waited patiently, noticing how relatively clean compared to the other one he hung out at. The light over the door was still on, so he pressed his back against the door and waited. Being able to see to shoot was definitely a plus. He waited impatiently, as always, for the person to appear. He could meditate, but waiting for people was the worst.

Time passed. Finally, a silhouette of a person stood in front of the alley. He looked tall, but that didn't bother him in the least. He tapped his fingers against the door, watching him slowly. He casually shifted his hands into the front pocket of his sweatshirt and forced himself to walk towards him. As he got closer, he noticed the person had a lock of white hair amongst the black. He looked apologetic and sad. His mouth opened.

'Don't let him speak, Yuu! If he speaks, you'll hesitate and can feel sympathy for him!'

Kanda blinked once, noticing how the man was mumbling, looking down at the ground, and frowned. He looked like a sniveling wimp. Why would the Earl want to kill someone as pathetic as that? He pulled out the gun and pointed it at the man's head.

"Ah—" The man's eyes widened as he began to back away. "Ah—! P-Please, hear me out! I-I can't pay because… I can't pay because—!"

One shot. Collapse. The man laid still upon the ground as Kanda's ears rang loudly. Luckily, there wasn't much of a kickback for a pistol, so at least his arm was fine, but his ears… not so much. He grimaced as he turned over the body. The shot wasn't quite in the center of the forehead, it was more to the left, but it did the job all the same. There was a small amount of blood (corpses don't bleed when they die, he learned that from biology) around the head as he sighed heavily. He thought there would be some emotional twinge, some sort of unpleasant feeling, but he didn't really feel anything.

_Does that make me horrible? Che. Who cares?_

A gasp from behind him caught his attention. Someone heard the shot from inside the store and came out to see what it was. A witness. He reeled back and turned his head, firing twice in case one missed. He blinked, then felt his eyes widened as Lenalee coughed, then slumped to the ground.

"Shit!" He tossed the gun aside and ran over to her, rolling her onto her back. The shots had hit her dead-on, one in the shoulder, one in the left side of her chest. Left side of the chest meant the heart of maybe a lung. Either way, it was fatal. Her breathing was shallow as she looked at him with hurt eyes, betrayed eyes, and confused eyes. "Lenalee! Fuck! This wasn't supposed to happen!"

"…Kand… a…" She was crying, and frankly, he couldn't blame her. He panicked as he looked for something to stop the bleeding with. He took off his sweatshirt and grimaced, wishing he didn't skip most of the 'Health and the Human Body' class. His knee landed in a wet patch of blood as he bit his lower lip. She stared at him still. "Kanda… why…? Do you… ha…te… me tha…t much…?"

"No! Shit! Don't talk, I'm going to find a way to help you—"

"_If anyone spots you, you shoot them, too, and leave their body."_

He felt the inside of his mouth go dry. "Damn! Lenalee, stay with me! Lenalee! Hey!"

"It's… okay," she breathed. She didn't have much life in her, he could tell. The face was too pale, the blood was too much, her voice was too cracked. Of all the people he had to kill, it had to be Lenalee. But she wasn't dead yet. She was still breathing. There had to be a way. He unbuttoned her shirt and saw that the bullet went deep into her. His hands shook slightly as they fell to his sides. She shook her head. "Don't…. I… wan…ted… to say that… to say that… I'm sor…ry… for ye…lling at you ear…lier…." She coughed, some blood running down the side of her mouth. "…I… I'm… still pr…aying… for your… sake… I might… not have been… able to he…lp… you… but I know… I know some… one… I know… someone… will…"

"Lenalee…"

"You're…. lost," she said with a heavy sigh. "But… ever…yone… loses their way once in… a while… I will… ke…ep… pray…ing… Ka…nda…"

She took in another deep breath before sighing again. A whisper he managed to hear said, "He's still alive", before her eyes fixed upon the clouded sky. He swallowed hard as he closed her eyes, wondering what she meant by that. He stood up, grinding his teeth together, then left her body behind as he picked up the other one and the gun and left.

He reached the car, pissed off more than ever, and dumped the body in the backseat, which was covered by tarps. Tyki looked amused, much to his irritation. He piled into the front seat of the car and buckled the dastardly seatbelt, something he had never done before, and stared out the window as the older man drove back towards their hotel.

"I heard three shots, though two were delayed," he commented. Kanda glared. "There was a witness, huh? I bet you didn't want to kill the witness. But aside from that, you did a good job, Kanda."

He didn't respond. His eyes focused on the falling autumn leaves and the puddles of water left from the storm earlier that day.

Everything blurred together and the next thing he knew he was standing before the Earl, giving him the report of the death of the client. He mentioned having to shoot a witness, but he didn't mention knowing her. The Earl nodded and grinned at a few of the things he said, then waved him off, telling Skin to go 'dispose of the body and evidence'. He started walking back towards the room he was occupying when he heard Rhode speaking to him.

"So, Earl, tomorrow, I have to hack into the main computer frame of the Grandworth Auditorium, right?"

The Grandworth Auditorium. He snorted to himself. He had been there once due to a field trip. It was a large stadium with fancy decorations, and when there were special occasions, they moved the shutters making up the roof and revealed the glass window. It was a dome, essentially, and a pretty one at that, though Kanda's definition of 'pretty' was different from the rest of society's definition of 'pretty'.

"Yes, yes. Do you think you can do it? I need the security cameras shut down as Tyki and Sheryl plant the C-4 into the building without being watched."

_So she's a hacker, Tyki and some of the others are explosive experts, Jasdero and David are snipers… _He frowned. _What do they need me for? I don't understand. Che._

"Of course I can." He could see the giggly smile on her face. "Their firewalls don't stand a chance. Sad how most of society relies on computers for everyday life, hmm?"

"Makes our job a lot easier."

"Heh heh…"

Kanda moved into his room, frowning heavily. He laid still on his bed. Two days. In two days, the President was coming. In two days, the President was going to die, along with everyone else attending the speech. That evening, he killed a man begging not to die and Lenalee, who happened to hear the shots go off.

"_He's still alive."_

_Damn, Lenalee. _He covered his eyes with his arm, sighing with a bitter taste of regret in his mouth. _What did you mean by that? Why, even as you were dying, wouldn't you give up on me? Shit. Shit! _He punched the mattress underneath him. _You weren't supposed to die, damn it! Fuck. I…_

'Calm down, Yuu.' Alma said. Kanda could feel his hand patting his head. He blinked and looked up, seeing his friend grinning at him. The hand patted his head again as he allowed his eyes to close. 'Calm down. Everything will be all right. I'm here. You'll get over it soon enough and no longer feel this way, I promise. As I said earlier, you are like a sandstorm.'

The Japanese man's eyelids fluttered up again, seeing his friend peering down and grinning at him. The hand continued to pat him. He didn't like being touched, but for a little moment, it was okay. Alma touching him was okay. Everyone else was forbidden.

'You'll be okay, Yuu,' he said again as the man started to fall asleep, 'so long as no one else interferes with my— _our_ —plan.'

The forgotten children of reality began to fall, tumbling their way down with one final dance as the night continued onwards.

~O~

Oh, man. Heavy stuff right there. I love Lenalee. It made me sad that I killed her… Yeah. So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It is highly appreciated! See you in Chapter 13! —Mr. Ree


	13. Conspiracy

Who else was excited about hurricane Earl? Come on, that's the best name for a hurricane ever! Sorry for the delay, but Chapter 13 of 'Drugtionary' is finally here! I got up to 75 reviews last chapter: FearIsButFearItself, hokkyokusei, marufu-chan, kyoya, Hikou no Kokoro (sorry...), Angel Fantasy, Kiro Uchiha, mori-fan987, and Grinss. I apologize to the replying delay for some of you (and not at al for most of you), I've just had issues as of late (school, deadlines, college applications, ect.). But thank you for reviewing! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 13 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

13. Conspiracy

"…_everything is set, Lord Millennium. I've managed to take Rhode's research and put it to good use, along with the files she copied and re-made. Every U.S. government official is now going to be pinned for embezzlement. However, I'm happy to inform you that ninety-eight percent of the government actually was embezzling money, either from you or the Fourteenth, who is making his move shortly."_

The Earl rocked back in forth in his rocker, knitting away a scarf for Sheryl's wife as the phone rested against his shoulder. "You don't sound too happy, Lulubell. Is France depressing you? I thought you would like to be back home."

"_I hate it here." _The sound of boredom boomed over the speaker. _"I don't even take amusement in seeing the abbey of Mont-Saint-Michel anymore. It used to be my favorite place, but seeing other people crawl all over it like annoying flies that are just begging to be swatted makes my stomach churn. Why couldn't you have sent someone else, like Sheryl, over here?"_

The animosity in her voice made him want to smile. "Tell me, is everything set for France's government to collapse?"

"_You better give me a raise." _He could hear a slosh of liquid— undoubtedly milk being poured into a container. She swallowed twice before continuing. _"Their President has a clean record for the past five years— why do they have them in for seven years? Four is bad enough. I had to ask Rhode to make some counterfeit deals to one of your aliases and submitted them to the law officials, though they won't receive them until tomorrow. I also had to pull some strings for the parliament on both sides, the National Assembly and the Senate. There are five hundred and seventy-seven of those fools in the assembly, and three hundred and nineteen in the Senate, and I had to give every single one a faulty record. Those fools like to stay clean, despite how much cheese they eat. The premier was the easiest problem—"_

"Premier?"

"_What you would call the prime minister in the United States, essentially," _she explained. _"The President appointed him, though he has heavy connections with the mob like no one has ever seen. He makes about twenty thousand U.S. dollars every month, and no one knows how, so his record was already cut out for me. But the others, you owe me big time, because it took months to finish."_

"I know." He set his knitting project on the table beside him before standing up and stretching. The bones of his back cracked violently, but it made him feel better, not the other way around. "Thank you for your patience, Lulubell. Your effort will help our cause drastically. You will be getting a raise."

He heard her sipping away at her milk before she spoke. _"I found some information on the Fourteenth, too. Would you like to hear that?"_

His movements stopped halfway while trying to go to the kitchen. His hand trembled with a quiet rage as he forced himself to go to the dining hall and sit down. "Yes, please."

"_Alright." _Sounds of clicking and paper shuffling reached his ears until she seemed to settle on one of them. _"I've been tracking his movements for the past several years, as you told me to, for every alias he had. A recurring theme kept popping up for several years, a person named Mana Walker. He was a pharmacist at a local pharmacy in England, and the Fourteenth visited him frequently. Mana had an adopted son, whose name is Allen Walker, though information about him is little. Anyways, the Fourteenth and Mana were both close friends until recently."_

"Did something happen?"

She cleared her throat. _"The Fourteenth… died."_

His eyes widened. "What?"

"_The Fourteenth died," _she repeated. _"Either by illness or by gunshot, I'm not sure, but he was admitted to a hospital and died there. However, you remember Mana, yes? He… sort of inherited the will of the Fourteenth and decided to run operations himself. This started about three years ago, until Mana himself died of cardiac arrest, and operations nearly fell apart, which was a closely guarded secret."_

"So who's running it now?"

"_The adopted son, Allen Walker, age fifteen or sixteen. He moved from England to America under the care of Cross Marian, the infamous traveling undercover cop, until Walker decided to break away from him and began living on his own. He's made thousands off of large games of poker and has several bank accounts that contains about two million U.S. dollars total, and that's only under his name."_

He stood up and started pacing, mulling over the news Lulubell gave him. _A sixteen-year-old brat is running the Fourteenth's mission? How is that even possible? Someone of that caliber has got to be a threat. _"Thank you, Lulubell. I hope to see you at Sheryl's house tomorrow."

"_Same here, Lord Millennium." _

The phone clicked. He stared at the clunky piece of technology before placing it back onto the holder. Allen Walker. The devious Cross Marian and his underground friends. The Bookmen. Every enemy he made was coming back to haunt him, all at the wrong times. The question was, when would all make their move? More importantly, would the new Fourteenth betray him like the former? Alternatively, would he come back to him?

All the questions turned up no answers, but even more questions developed. Shaking his head, he opened the freezer and pulled out a triple-deluxe fudge sundae. The chocolate looked especially tasty. He sighed quietly to himself as he made his way back to the dining hall and sat in his illustrious chair. The questions would have to wait. He had bigger things to take care of, like the assassination of President Winters.

He took a bite of the delicious frozen yogurt and sighed in content, his grin widening. Every victory up to this point was leading to this.

Victory was not going to taste any sweeter.

~O~

"Did you mean: _**Millennium**_ _**Enterprises**_?"

He stared irritably at the computer screen, eye twitching. Every trace of the name 'Adam Millennium' led to a dead-end or a priest in Sweden or a fictional magazine from a New York Times' Best Seller list. He took note of the book and promised to himself that he would read it later in his spare time, but he was running out of that. Google wasn't helping in the least, and Yahoo wasn't much better. Every listed alias Cross assigned him turned up nothing.

He ran a registry search in the Grandworth's database, but the name 'Adam Millennium' was gone from the list, which meant either he moved or he asked for extended protection. Or maybe he was protecting his name himself. He went to Google again and typed in "The Millennium Earl", hoping to get a result of some sort. Obscure groups that worshiped the infamous terrorists popped up, but nothing too serious caught his eye. He went through page after page of results, his brain working triple-speed and taking glances of the pages. If it wasn't helpful, he dumped the information into his personal recycling bin, which was practically everything.

He tried tapping into all computers that have used the Grandworth's wi-fi connection to see if there was any suspicious activity. All that turned up was a marijuana deal that cost no more that thirty dollars. If the Earl was still there and had used a computer, he must have been on a different network. However, the 'Grandworth Mile' essentially shared the same network, which was irritating and painfully easy to tap into people's computers.

Thank God for hack forums— he absorbed as much information as he could before starting the process of trying to dig up information on the Earl.

He looked up from the screen and noticed it was six in the morning. He started working on his assignment since yesterday afternoon. His eyes hurt as he closed the lid of the laptop, stretching. The smell of coffee was there, which meant Cross was awake or he already left without him noticing. His fingers ached from typing as he wandered into the kitchen, which had many newspapers. _Just like Panda. _

Cross was nowhere to be seen, but half of the pot was empty. _Must've left. _He glanced at the table and saw a note: "Got a case this morning. Dead body. Has a message. Could be linked to Earl. Keep working— Investigate Grandworth Auditorium's security systems and link self to security cameras for tom. You will be a hacker tomorrow. See you later tonight. Cross."

_Wha? _He stared at the note, dumbfounded. _Wait. I only learned how to hack today. What makes you think I can hack into an elaborate security system? Ugh. _For the first time in a long time, he poured himself a cup of coffee and chugged it, ignoring the taste of bitter coffee grounds. He never liked coffee. He liked hot chocolate, and maybe even mocha, but coffee by itself was some form of Hell to taste buds.

He sat back down at the computer and stared at the screen, frowning. He opened another tab on his Internet browser before looking up the local newspaper, then found the article of the apartment burning down. They said there were no survivors that they knew of, and finding all the bodies would take time. Identifying would take time, too, but he saw Bookman's burnt corpse. He saw it and didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to even think of it.

Clicking out of the tab, he went back to work. _I wonder if Yuu will be found. _He typed in a numerous amount of codes, allowing him access into the main security frame… to an extent. _Does he even have family? _Several passwords blocked his path, all of which were administrative rights_. I know he doesn't have many friends. _He opened a new tab and started typing away, looking for a program of some sort to hack into it. _Well, maybe Lenalee… I wonder how she's doing? Haven't heard from her in a while. _The programs popped up in lists, all of which highly useful, but he settled with the most advanced one. _She said she didn't see Yuu when I asked her yesterday morning, though she seemed sad when I asked. I wonder why._

_Damn, Yuu-chan, are you alive or aren't you?_

The main security frame was breached easily. His hands moved faster than he thought possible as he pressed 'Enter' for one of the options, and almost immediately, the security cameras came onto the screen. He blinked. _I actually did it? Whoa. Now that's cool._

He closed the computer (which was a nice Apple, so it didn't automatically go into sleep mode while being closed) and stretched. His back, he could have sworn, popped, which caused him to lean forward out of pain. Sitting for so long did that to people, and he knew that. He wandered into his room and went through the remainders of his belongings— boots, a pair of clothes, Bookman's note… nearly everything, except for his scarf. He still didn't know where it went, and he tried retracing his steps, but it didn't work. He deemed it lost forever and pushed the thought aside, even though he loved his scarf.

He frowned. Growing attached to a materialistic item was as dumb as trying to kill yourself by holding your breath. It really was the greatest impossibility of human kind to do that.

He sighed heavily and glanced out the window. It was hard to see through the collective dust on the glass, but he could make out fuzzy images of buildings and streetlights. A car drove by the building as a couple walked down the sidewalk. Small, but he liked small cities, because they were right in the middle.

Who would have thought this small city would be the starting point of the largest conspiracy in American history?

_Well, I'm just going to have to prevent that, aren't I? _He stared out the fuzzy window, memorizing how many doors he could count from where he stood (which was ten). _I'm going to kill those bastards who killed Bookman. I'm going to stop the Earl. I'm going to get some closure on what happened to Yuu-chan._

_But first, scrambled eggs for breakfast. Saving the world can wait._

~O~

Sleeping within itself wasn't pleasant. He went through shooting Lenalee, repeatedly, her blood staining his clothes, his eyes, his ears. It was everywhere, on walls, on the door, on the light, even. One person should not have had so much blood within their body, but it was everywhere, so much so that her body looked nothing more than a skeleton. Even the fat her body possessed leaked out of the cuts, oozing down her skin like sweat and splashing into the puddles of blood. She was nothing more than flesh strapped to a skeleton. He was screaming her name, trying to do something about it, but he knew there was nothing he could do.

"Kan… da," she croaked, her body contorting into obscure angles that made him cringe. She walked awkwardly towards him, almost as if someone broke her legs and forced her to get up and walk. "Ka…nd…a… You… are the one… who… did this to… me…"

"I said sorry! I really didn't—"

She raised a finger, which twisted in a strange shape. "Ssh. I don't… want to hear… your… exc…uses…" She glanced up at the red sky. "…Lost… You're… lost…"

He backed away. The hairs on the back of his neck rose ever-so-slightly by looking at her, and the way she was talking, it wasn't her. She was exhausted or something, but this wasn't the right Lenalee at all. He needed to wake up. Pain or something else should do the trick. He eyed the steel pipe in the corner, but it was behind her. Distraction. What he needed was a distraction.

He watched her stumble towards him. In her eyes were tears, all of which were different colors. Purple, black, silver, green, blue— all except white. "Lost," she repeated, then every bone in her sorry excuse of a body snapped at once. The teeth rattled as her fingers, as if they were double-jointed, bent awkwardly back. Her skin started to peel off and stretch, making every bone accentuated more than it should have been. He tried to catch her as she fell, but all he got was one of her eyes. It was completely black as it went through his fingers and landed onto his shoe, staining it permanently.

"Lena…" He stared at the bones, all of which were sinking beneath the thick liquid. He tried to calm himself down. _This is a dream! _His head screamed. _Nothing but a dream! You've got to wake up!_

The mass of bones that made up a hand and an arm grasped his shoulder as he tried to turn, the grip nearly destructive. Bits of skin clung wetly to the hard substance as the rest of the body reformed, dripped in red. Half of her face was nothing but bone, though the other half still had the skin. Her eyes were missing. Her tongue was still out of her mouth, but she picked it up off the ground with her free hand and shoved it back into her mouth before trying to speak. It squealed in objection and tried to escape, wriggling across her arm and onto his shoulder. She grabbed it again, though, and put it back into her mouth.

"He's still alive," she uttered slowly, then raised her free hand and pushed him down into water.

He gasped and sat up, panting. Alma was practicing new moves with his Innocence when he blinked. 'Yuu? Are you okay?'

_Never better. _He glanced over to the nightstand and eyed the bottle of liquid LSD. He couldn't recall taking any, but that dream was probably induced by it. He 'che'd silently to himself before shoving off the sweat-covered blankets. Part of him no longer wanted to sleep more than he had to.

'You don't look okay,' he commented. 'Your face is all white.'

_When is it not white?_

'Okay, fine, pale, whatever.' He frowned. 'I was just making sure you were okay, Yuu! No need to get all mean on me!' He deactivated his Innocence and relaxed on a moss-covered rock in his head. 'That sort of reminds me; I overheard some of those Noah people talking earlier. You really slept late this morning, Yuu.'

_What were they talking about? _He dug through his clothes and pulled out a dark blue shirt with a logo saying, "You are the definition of 'stupid'.". He grabbed a pair of khaki pants and frowned. Of all the things Rhode got for him, it had to be khaki pants.

'Plans, mostly.' He chewed thoughtfully on a chocolate bar covered in mayonnaise. 'They were arguing earlier about what they were going to do. The Earl calmed them down, though, and said that tomorrow should be a bang of some sort. He said, "The play is finally going to open its curtain" or something along those lines.'

_Che. That guy is a sucker for interesting metaphors_. He walked over to the nightstand and reached for his… nothing. He frowned as his hands failed to pick up a hair tie of some sort. He dug his hands into his pockets and allowed his frown to deepen. He glanced across the room, but there was no sign of a hair tie at all. He double-checked to make sure he wasn't actually wearing it (which would have made him feel incredibly dumb), but his hair was flowing freely. _Alma, where the hell did I put my hair tie?_

'No clue. Didn't you leave it on the nightstand?'

_It's not there. Fuck! Of all the things to lose! _He grimaced as he looked under the bed. All that stood out was the slightly burnt orange scarf he found in the remains of his former apartment building. He pulled it out and stared at it for a long moment, then tore a small strip of the fabric off. He gathered his hair up, tied it tightly with the bit of scarf, and sighed. It wasn't the best hair tie in the world, but it would have to do. Besides, it wasn't as if Lavi was going to use it anytime soon.

He found his half-dead shoes and put them on before leaving his room. Rhode was skipping in circles around Tyki, whining in that high-pitched voice she had. "But you said that I was going to help, too! You meanie, just because I'm short doesn't mean I have to stay behind!"

"You won't be behind," he explained in an exasperated voice. Kanda could tell that the man explained the situation several times now by the look on his face. "You're going to be our hacker, remember? You have to control the security cameras."

"Ooh, but you get all the fun!" She stamped her foot, which nearly caused the floor to shake. "It's not fair! Hmph! Oh!" She glanced over to Kanda, who was trying to sneak past to get something to eat. "Good morning! The Earl wanted to see you. You missed our mission briefing."

"Rhode, it's past noon," Tyki intervened, but she slapped a hand over his mouth while pulling out a piece of candy.

"Details, details! He just woke up, therefore it's _his _morning," she explained, unwrapping a truffle. She popped it in her mouth and chewed before continuing. "Anyways, after you're done eating, you should see him in his room. He'll probably be knitting, but don't let that stop you— your _shoes!" _she shrieked, almost making a gagging noise. "Oh, God, they're horrendous! I'm going to buy you shoes. What's your size?"

How she got from the Earl to his shoe size confused him. In a daze, he replied, "Eight."

"Hm, right in the middle! Okay, off to shopping I go! Tyki, you take care of my Lero doll while I'm gone," she ordered, then grabbed a fancy-looking purse before dashing out of the room.

"I need a cigarette," Tyki muttered after three seconds of silence, and he, too, sulked out of the room.

Happy about the silence, Kanda found some plain oatmeal and cooked it up. Sadly, the kitchen did not contain any soba noodles, so he had to make do with what they had. The oatmeal tasted bland as he ate quickly. The Earl wanted to see him about something, and curiosity nagged at him. Maybe now he would figure out what reason he had to be there, to be a Noah. He doubted it, though, as he made his way down the hall and into the room.

The Earl sat in a chair facing a window. The only reason why Kanda knew he was there was because of the top hat protruding from behind it, yet with another design. It consisted of numbers— especially the number '14'. He wondered vaguely if it had any importance, but he immediately pushed the thought aside when the Earl said, "Come closer."

He came closer, his jaw locked tight.

"You overslept," he began, pouring himself another cup of tea. "But that's fine. You seemed like you needed the sleep." He eyed the Japanese man carefully, which immediately caused him to be on the defensive. "How did it feel, Mr. Kanda? How did it feel to kill two people?"

"I felt nothing." He hid all traces of doubt from his answer the best he could, but the look the Earl gave him made him think that he wasn't convincing enough.

"Really," he said. He sipped the tea and placed it onto a coaster as his gaze out the window lasted for almost two minutes. "Death is a funny thing, Mr. Kanda. You can either accept it or you don't. Either way, you have to face it, no matter who you are."

He said nothing.

"The real question is, though," he continued, lifting his gaze away from the window to him, "Are you really willing to go down without a fight? Are you willing to let your life mean nothing? And do you know what the answer is, Mr. Kanda?"

"There is no point."

"Yes," the Earl nodded. "There is no point in life, so therefore, everything is 'nothing'. Everyone holds onto it so dearly when death is lurking around the corner. No one uses death to their benefit. They shrink away and avoid the topic. They can't fathom the idea of death. Then again, several hundreds— or maybe thousands —are happy to throw away their life. You know why, don't you?" He didn't allow Kanda to answer. "Anyways, since you overslept, you missed our mission briefing this morning. Frankly, that is fine by me. You would've added to the noise level."

_Che. I think I'm quieter than anyone else here._

"Tomorrow," he continued, "is when President Winters is coming to the auditorium. We have already set the explosives under certain tiles of the building. However, we could not put the timed detonators in the C-4 because they do not have a date registry. It would've gone off today if we placed them in when the C-4 was planted. So tomorrow, you and several others are going to place the detonators into the C-4. Since there are six floors, including the basement and the skyboxes, all of you have been assigned different floors. You, Kanda, have the fourth floor."

He handed him a blue print of the auditorium, which contained all of the floors. Red and green x's and circles covered each floor.

"The red x's are where the security guards will be positioned," he explained. "Since the President doubts we exist, he opted for minimum security, like a fool. The green circles are where the C-4 is. Each grid square represents a tile. You will have to memorize this by tomorrow. Sadly, you have the security sector, so it will probably be more difficult for you than anybody else. But I have faith in you, Mr. Kanda, I really do."

"How long do I have?"

"If all goes according to plan," he pushed his glasses up against the bridge of his nose, "and you arrive at 11:50, you will have about fifteen minutes before Jasdero and David shoot the President. We were originally going to do it at high noon, but that's what they expect. We're going to wait five minutes instead, then shoot him. Jasdero and David will have less than a minute to escape from the glass window."

_At least I don't have their job._ He eyed the blueprint a little longer before frowning. "Wait, even if we shoot the President, won't people have a chance to escape within the seconds that they have to spare? And how will I get out?"

"Protocol states that if somebody dies within a building, they contain everyone there in the building. They have to find the murderer, after all." He grinned. "It's a walk-in trap, practically, and none of them even know it. For you to get out, all you have to do is finish your job before they fire. Fifteen minutes. One more thing— you have to take out all of security on that floor, because they have a motherboard computer there. Rhode will handle the security cameras until you manage to pull the plug. Once you do that, leave quickly. Again, kill any witnesses."

"Yes, Millennium Earl."

"Good. Now take your leave— I have knitting to catch up one."

He bowed his head before leaving quietly. Alma chewed his lower lip as Kanda put the blueprint in his pocket. Something nagged at him, a little sense of doubt. He wasn't sure if this was what he wanted anymore, but part of him knew he no longer had a choice. He took the offer, signed Satan's notebook, and joined the Noah.

Now, he was going to take part in the death of the President, the economy's collapse, and a possible worldwide turmoil, all because one person, the Earl, wants to dominate over everything. All because of twenty-five grand.

"Lost."

He stopped after he closed the door to his room. He knew if he turned, Lenalee would be standing there, looking stranger than ever. Alma blinked as he squeezed his eyes shut and felt his way around the room. He could not, however, block off his ears.

"You're lost, Kanda," she whispered. It was getting old, but the words, they kept haunting him like a stench off an unwashed sock. "You need to get back on track."

"Shut up," he muttered, reaching into his bag. He knew he had another supply of LSD in there, and if he took it, all this would disappear and he could see Alma again. "Why won't you leave me the hell alone?"

"Someone… will help you," she continued. He could hear the slosh of liquid as she seemed to take a step forward. He could feel the fabric covering his knee start to get wet as his hand desperately searched for his precious drug. "Can't you see…? Kanda…?"

"Shut _up!"_

"You… are the reason why you're… like this, but… I have faith… I will keep… praying… Kanda…"

He found a bottle and yanked it out. He unscrewed the top and ingested it without any sugar, so the bitter taste nearly made him choke. He heard that LSD was bitter, but he never actually tasted it by himself. A rush of a breeze ruffled his hair as he inhaled the scent of wild flowers. He opened his eyes to see Alma grinning at him, swinging his legs off a rock as the breeze took a few leaves with it. The field consisted of long grass, milk vetch, meadow saffron, monkshood, moonwort and asphodels, making the scene look beautiful, not that Kanda would notice, as he walked through the plants to meet him.

"Welcome back, Yuu," he said, smiling.

"…I'm home," he replied, then followed Alma into his personal meadow of hiding from fear.

~O~

Woo-hoo, Chapter 13, done! It's just going to get worse from here, people. I'm probably going to change this to 'Crime/Drama' for this thing (though there is probably still going to be fluff). So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! Also, I am a sucker for symbolism— the number on the Earl's hat is important (not just the Fourteenth!), as are the flowers. Hah hah! Guess them all right and you get a cookie! They're relevant to the plot (sort of)! See you in Chapter 14! —Mr. Ree


	14. Eve of Destruction

Well… I officially no longer have an appendix! Reason to celebrate my getting out of a hospital, yeah? I asked Mr. Meenor to answer your reviews, but he said he would just scare you guys off with his uncaring-li-ness (word for word, people). Anyways, I got a total of 82 reviews: SilverKleptoFox, Grinss, Hikou no Kokoro, Harleymotor, Brigette Janine, and marufu-chan! I really will reply to you all this chapter! And, uh, none of you got the symbolism right… SilverKleptoFox was the closest… You all get cookies, anyways! ^^ So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 14 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the H & R Block-ing release. Got it? Good.

~O~

14. Eve of Destruction

The bar buzzed about with its regulars again. Old men told the same stories they said every night while young prostitutes searched around for any men who wanted to play. In the corner, however, was quite the unusual fellow. A group huddled around the table as the intensity could not physically get any higher, the sound of cards shuffling filling up the remaining empty space of noise. Anticipating eyes watched as the cards formed little piles in front of each player, the dealer having the most innocent grin on his face. The two other players, both known for drinking away their money after raking in big wins, twitched uncontrollably as the white-haired teenager picked up his hand.

In the center resided three hundred and ninety U.S. dollars. The brat raised them both to fifty dollars each, however, and made the total a little over five hundred. Whispers went through the miniature crowd of drunks as the teen merely smiled. The cards in his gloved hands moved a little as he smiled an adoring smile. Then he placed his cards gently down onto the table, saying,

"Call. Royal Straight Flush."

Howls of jealously raged out by the other two players, their hands not even daring to compare with the dealer's. He hummed a little to himself as he collected the money, thanking the other two players for their participation. Making money was always his hobby, and he knew he was good at it.

The front door of the bar opened, causing him to glance at it. A person whom he knew very well stood there, but he avoided staring too long. He hated having suspicion on him more than anything, and given his current position, suspicion was even a worse enemy than the Earl was. A small chuckle arose from deep inside his head. The Earl. He was lost in utter madness about the fact that the Fourteenth betrayed him. It was drawing closer, however, for his downfall. He was waiting patiently.

He knew the plans for tomorrow, and that would give him the all-access pass for victory.

The familiar person looked about before setting eyes on him. He politely smiled and approached the counter, asking Marie (the bartender, who was blind yet rather exceptional at his job) for some orange juice. When the bartender nodded, he glanced over to Cross Marian, his former caretaker, and nodded at him.

"Good to see that you're still a fucking idiot, Allen," Cross commented as he sat down at the counter. "And it's even better that you're easy to track down. Bartender! Gimme some of your best wine, will you?"

Allen sighed. _Still the heavy wine lover, huh? _"Why would it be better for you to track me down rather than calling me an idiot, as you say? Oh, let me guess, you need more money or something." Despite his new position of being the Fourteenth, a small pang of depression from the thought of his caretaker's debts needing to be paid still bothered him immensely.

He shook his head, receiving the wine and drinking it. The reflex to gag stopped short by the glance of Marie, so he faked a smile at the kid and nearly glared. "Not this time, imbecile. I'm asking you for questions."

_Oh, dear. _The seriousness of the conversation grew in tenfold as he tried to keep his calm. He was certain that he covered every possible trace he had, mostly by switching his name from 'Allen' to the former Fourteenth's name, 'Neah'. But considering how Marian didn't shoot him yet indicated that it possibly wasn't about him. "What sort of questions?"

"This girl, here." He pulled out a picture of someone he knew rather well, Lenalee Lee. "I know you knew her. Everyone at your school said you were practically a couple."

"You said 'knew' and 'were'." A bad feeling rose in his throat. "Why the past tense?"

"She was shot and killed yesterday evening. Two bullets, one in the shoulder, one in the chest. Whoever did it was an amateur at using a gun, but someone cleaned up his or her trail quite nicely. They even cut her open and took out her heart, then painted a message on the wall for us while leaving the brush where the heart should have been." He watched as Allen's face turned to a look of slight disgust and sadness. "I know you didn't do it. I have footage of you playing at a poker night here in this very same bar. Besides, I already know who."

"Then what question do you have to ask me?"

He chugged down the glass of wine before slamming it onto the table like a rowdy drunk, but with enough finesse to make one of the prostitutes swoon. "Tomorrow, President Winters is coming here. The infamous Earl and his bag of tricks are going to kill him."

_Tell me something I don't know. _"The Earl, huh? And his little Noah friends? So what if they're back? This has nothing to deal with me." He paused. "Wait, they killed Lenalee, didn't they?"

"If you want revenge on the girl," Cross's voice reduced down to a hushed tone, "then you'll help me stop the Earl before he kills the President. I can catch you up to date on everything we know if you will help me. I know you have invaluable resources at your disposal, so your help will definitely be of use. The only question now is, are you willing to? Or are you going to let your precious friend 'Lenalee' die without being avenged?"

The information processed in Allen's brain for a little bit. _How convenient. If I work with Marian and get more information on the Earl, I can figure out who is the weakest link there and use them to accomplish my plans. Leverrier was supposed to be my spy, but he has yet to call me for two days now. Maybe I can put this to use and orchestrate my disappearance as well. Thank you, Lenalee, for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. _He nodded slowly. "Yes, I will help you out. What can I do?"

"Read everything in here by tomorrow and show up at this address by 9:30." Cross handed him a vanilla envelope. "You are going to help me scout out any suspicious activity tomorrow at the Grandworth Auditorium. We've got a new hacker on our side, too, who will help us out with the control of the security cameras." He stared blankly at the counter before continuing. "Idiot pupil, if anything is to happen, and if you feel like you are in the least bit of danger, do not fucking hesitate and run for it."

_Attempting to show a little bit of compassion, is he? _The cell phone in his pocket began to vibrate, causing him to sigh. "Well, I'm going to go. I will see you tomorrow morning, then."

Cross didn't reply as the white-haired boy stepped out into the afternoon sun, the clouds high and spacious between one another. Tomorrow was supposed to be unnaturally cold, somewhere in the 0 degrees Celsius range to 5 degrees. He still couldn't grasp the concept of the whole Fahrenheit thing, so he just stuck with what he knew. He dug into his pocket and pulled the cell phone out. He smiled at it before answering. "I was just thinking about you, Leverrier. I hope you have something important to say."

"_Yes, well." _Leverrier didn't sound too well. In fact, he sounded shaken up, as if a three-ton truck threatened to mow him down like it did the lovely housecat that decided to step out into the street. _"Neah, I think the Earl may be onto me about how I'm tied to you."_

"Oh? This was bound to happen eventually, but…" A cop car drove by slowly, the officer waving at him. He smiled and waved back. "But how do you think that? Did someone threaten you?"

"_Yes, one of the students that attended my school. He wanted his G.E.D., and when I refused to give it to him—because I hated that fucking prick, let me tell you!—he said he would tell the Earl I wasn't cooperating." _There was a sound of a wrapper opening, possibly him about to make another delicious treat he could make. _"I've been laying low for a little while, just to be sure."_

"That is a wise decision… Wait. Which student, exactly?"

"_His name was Kanda Yuu."_

Allen stopped mid-step, his eyes widening in surprise. Then it gave way to a sly grin. _Ah, Kanda… I always knew you were something special, but I didn't think you would become a part of the Noah. You must be recent, though… Heh… You might be my ticket. _"Kanda, huh? Hmm. Leverrier, I have a new assignment for you. Research this 'Kanda' fellow and get me as much information as possible."

"_Why?"_

"Don't question me. Just do it by the end of this week." He hung up the cell phone and put it in his pocket. The sun hid behind buildings as he walked down the sidewalk towards his small home.

_Well, well, well, Millennium Earl. _He unlocked the front door where cleanliness greeted him as if he were the equivalent of God. _It seems you picked up the wrong person for you to pick up as a Noah. Killing Lenalee is the final nail in your coffin. The only thing I need to do is wait for the right moment and lure Ba-Kanda to me. _

_And I know just the way how._

~O~

'Yuu? Yuu! Are you okay?'

Kanda stared blankly at his hands. The bloodstains on his hands weren't going away no matter what he did. Shortly after his trip, he was sprawled out on the floor of his room, his body feeling heavier than normal. When he went into the bathroom, he choked back a gasp. His hair turned into veins, which spurted out a liquid that was like blood. His eyes were all white as his hands dripped a chocolaty liquid that stained anything he touched. Slowly, it turned red and kept reminding him of Lenalee. He didn't want to remember her.

_I'm fine. _He wasn't fine. _I'm going to take a shower and relax. _He wasn't going to be relaxed, with or without the shower. He grabbed the towel and took of his clothes before turning on the hot water. Something burned inside his lungs as he inhaled, almost as if the place was on fire. He grimaced as the water scalded his skin, a faint echo of words reaching his ears. He covered them in utter desperation. He couldn't take it anymore.

"Yuu-chan."

He turned, but no one was there. He blinked again before staring down at the water, which what should have been clear was black. He coughed loudly.

"Yuu-chan!"

_Lavi? _He quickly turned off the water and stepped out, but no one was there. _No, wait, he's dead. Why did I think I heard him?_

'Why would you even care?' Alma looked dejected. 'The reason why we're here was so that we could get away from him, Yuu. Why are you even thinking about him, huh? You promised you wouldn't do that! You promised!'

_Alma, calm down! I do everything for you, remember? _He took the towel and quickly dried off, putting on his clothes before frowning. _Everything, okay? I will never do anything that you don't want me to do. You're why I'm here! I left him because you wanted me to! You know that! And the only reason why I thought of him was because I heard someone calling my name!_

His friend pouted for a moment longer before gazing out at the metropolis below, the skyscraper he was on unreasonably tall. A dove rested on the railing as he stared at the many lights. 'Oh,' he finally said, though his sad look did not leave his face. 'It sort of sounds like you're blaming me, Yuu, but maybe that's just me.' He sighed. 'Anyways, are you sure you're okay? You're trying awfully hard to avoid the mirror.'

_Che. _He didn't dare to answer the question as he stepped out of the bathroom and greeted by Rhode, who was chipper and smiling devilishly as always. Behind her was Lenalee, who stood freakishly and floated about an inch off the floor. Around her neck was a rope made of spider legs, while her chest was cut open and her heart was missing. He could see portions of her lungs and a paintbrush. He tongue was gagging out, which made him immediately return his gaze to the smaller girl.

"Heya, Kanda!" She grinned widely, which indicated either she was planning something or already had something planned. "Guess what? I found the perfect pair of shoes for you today! Isn't that wonderful? Put them on! Put them on!"

His frown deepened as he tried to keep his cool demeanor in tact. The last thing he wanted was for Rhode to see his panic levels skyrocketing. He took the shoes and glanced at them, approving of the black color before putting them on. He ignored the feeling of stepping into water as he nodded. "Che. They're alright."

"He likes them!" She fist-pumped into the air out of celebration, her eyes sparkling with a hint of joy. He never thought she was actually happy. She always seemed a little sadistic in her manner, but this time, there was no hint of sadism. "Man, you are the hardest person to shop for, you know that, right?"

He only shrugged slightly as he walked past her, keeping his head low. He needed his scarf-hair-tie to keep his hair in place before Rhode could find it and steal it from him. It was one of the few things he didn't want stolen from him.

"Wait, I'm not done with you yet!" She leaped in front of him and giggled, her hands behind her back in a childish manner. He raised an eyebrow as she continued. "I have another present for you, but this is for tomorrow's mission, not apparel." She brought out her hands and revealed to him a needle that one would expect a doctor to have. Liquid sloshed inside of it as she handed it to him. "That," she said, "is the poison of a Brazilian Wandering spider. I suggest you handle it with extreme care and to not inject yourself with it. Since killing guards with loud things that go 'bang!' and 'boom!' attracts attention, we decided stealthy killing—like poison—would be the way to go."

"What the hell is a Brazilian Wandering spider?" He stared at the liquid and frowned. It didn't look very dangerous to him.

"Think of Satan's spawn and put it into a spider form, throw in a habitat of bananas, and viola! Brazilian Wandering spider." Her giggles made him want to cover his ears. "I suggest targeting the neck when injecting the guards. You should have enough for twenty people in that little thing. Use it sparingly."

_Twenty… damn. _He walked into the kitchen and pulled out a plastic bag to put the needle into, Rhode following behind him. He didn't care that she was following him, just so long as Lenalee stopped showing up. It came closer and closer as a realization, however, that no matter what he did, she was going to continuously show up.

He just hoped that she didn't show up in the middle of his job tomorrow.

"You look pale," Rhode said, pouting as she tilted her head to get a better look at him. He tried to glare at her, but glares always went right through her. "You haven't been right since your first mission." She paused, then frowned. "Regretting killing people, huh?"

"No." He took the plastic bag and headed towards his temporary room, staring at the floor. It looked so much like snow that it confused him a little. How could there be snow in a hotel room? He opened his door, footsteps following behind him, and sat down on the bed without closing the door. The girl sat down next to him as he carefully observed his plans. There were sixteen red X's on the sheet, most of which were in the security room. C-4 was scattered in the hall and the room alike. He glared at Rhode. "Why are you in my room?"

"Just observing you." She grinned eerily. "You have interesting emotions. It's fun to watch."

He didn't respond as mind took in the number of C-4. Eight total, three in the hall, five in the main security room. Once he got to the security room, he needed to turn off all the security cameras. But how was he going to take out all the security guards without being detected? Disguise, perhaps, but more importantly, how was he going to get into the room? Undoubtedly, there would be some security method to make sure people who didn't belong there stayed out.

"Don't worry," Rhode interrupted his thoughts. "I'll help you when you need it. You forget I'm an expert." She got up off his bed and skipped towards his door, pulling out yet another piece of candy from her pocket. "Just make sure you memorize that and sleep lots, okay? Be alert!" She left on that note, leaving him with his own thoughts. His ears rung a little from the silence as he vaguely wondered where the other Noah were. It felt like ages since he last saw David, Jasdero, or even Skin. Maybe they were preparing something.

But for what Kanda didn't even want to know.

He laid down on the bed, the scarf-hair-tie safe, as the outline of the auditorium rested beside him. His arm covered his eyes during his few moments of respite, needing someone other than Alma to talk to. Granted, he liked Alma's company, but sometimes he was a bit much. He needed someone who was easygoing and stupid enough to make fun of. Someone like…

"…_Baka Usagi_," he muttered, a slight bitterness in his tone. The redheaded stranger would've been perfect for him to mock, but he wasn't there anymore. He wasn't anywhere, which was a problem. He died in the fire, like everyone else. He grimaced as he hit himself in the forehead. "…Idiot. Damn it, leave me alone!"

'Who are you talking to?'

"No one. Why don't you go and sleep or something?"

A look of worry flashed on his friend's face, but Alma nodded all the same. 'Okay. Hope you feel better soon, Yuu. Ooh! I know, I could memorize that sheet for you! Here, hold it up so I can take a picture of it.'

"What? When did you get a camera?" He frowned as he picked up the outline and held it up. His friend pulled out a square-ish object before pressing down a button, a light flashing before his eyes. Alma grinned.

'Perfect! I'll go and leave you alone now. But really, do get better soon, Yuu.'

"Yeah, yeah." Kanda closed his eyes in order to see him walking towards the door of the skyscraper and opening it before beginning to descend the stairs. The door closed without any help as he opened his eyes again, staring blankly at the ceiling before hearing the faint echo of a siren. It vaguely reminded him of the apartment building and how he and the Baka Usagi managed to clean up part of it. He still couldn't remember his walls being white, though. It would forever be a mystery. Maybe he painted it without him knowing? No, the fumes would have gotten to him. He would have been able to smell it like the blood on his hands. He stared at them and snorted, noticing how the bloodstains were reaching his wrists.

"I'm going crazy." He stared at the wall before chuckling slightly. The chuckles grew louder as he sat up, cross-legged, and began laughing maniacally. "Shit, I'm absolutely fucking crazy! Isn't that just fucking peachy? Ha!"

"Kan… da…"

He looked up and grinned at Lenalee, whose body was mangled at all the wrong angles. Her face twisted into a look of sadness and worry as a paintbrush fell from her hands, clattering onto the floor. He nearly smiled. "Le-na-lee. Howdy fucking doo dah to you, too. Che! What else have you got for me, hah? Are you going to tell me that I'm 'lost' and I need help? I'm far beyond that now." He laughed again. "I'm beyond saving. You and your little 'prayers' are worth nothing."

She said nothing. Instead, she picked up the paintbrush as a black rabbit crawled up on her torn shoulder, its eye still missing. She grabbed it by the ears and slammed it up against the wall, overlapping the ears before stabbing it with the handle of the paintbrush. The rabbit squealed and tried to fend her off as she tore out some hairs from her mangled head and choked it to death with it.

"You're right," she said finally, watching the stuffed rabbit's body twitch ever-so-slightly, "you are… beyond prayer, Kanda. Instead… you are going to spend a damnation…" She coughed slightly and turned her head, her smile reaching from ear to ear, literally. The incisors gleamed as they seemed to sharpen themselves to jagged pen tips. Ink dripped off of them as she grinned, her body blackened with what seemed to be soot. She gingerly took a step forward. "A damnation of cursed love," she continued, her voice light and chipper that reminded him of how she used to be, "a damnation of pain when you realize something that you will shortly have… Lost quickly… Heh heh heh… _**Kanda!"**_

She lurched forward, but she stopped mid-step, blinking once. Mugen's blade, covered with feathers of one thousand mutilated birds, stopped her, the one wielding it being the Japanese man himself. He snickered.

"I killed you once," he whispered, letting her fall to the floor. "I can easily do it again. No one can save me now."

"I'll be back," she said in a low hum, but he didn't buy it. She faded from view as he laughed again without a care in the world for what he had done.

Behind the door, Rhode's fingers clenched to the doorframe, ear pressed against the refined would, eyes slightly bulged, but a small smile of victory reached her face. Even if he was hallucinating in some form, he managed to kill someone in that hallucination willingly. He was becoming a killer, a cold-hearted bastard, a Noah. She grinned, all worries of him turning his back against them gone.

Tomorrow would be a spectacle, after all.

~O~

Whoa. Okay, Chapter 14, done! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! I will actually reply this time, health permitting! Next chapter should be a bang, hopefully, and maybe even a little bit… Well, I won't spoil it. (And sorry for the lack of Lavi! He shows up a lot next chapter, promise! ^^) See you in Chapter 15! —Mr. Ree


	15. The Anti Heroes and the Villains, Part 1

Fail. I completely neglected this story due to… -drum roll, please- WRITER'S BLOCK. I know, right? How could this happen to me? Even Mr. Meenor was shocked. Anyways, a little note— I could not fit everything into one chapter. Instead, I did it in two different parts— Kanda's mission and Lavi's mission —and I am pleased with the results. Sorry for everyone else wanting it all at once! I promise to make it good! Anyways, I got up to 90 reviews last chapter: marufu-chan, Grinss, Brigette Janine, Mori-fan987, Harleymotor, Angel Fantasy, Hikou no Kokoro, and Hane no Kaze! For whatever reason, it won't let me reply to some of you, which I am heavily irritated about. In revenge, have a chapter! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 15 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

15. The Anti-Heroes and the Villains, Part One

"My name?" The little girl in his dream asked. Her shoes looked like plastic white doll shoes as her dress proudly showed patterns in an assortment of flowers. She was an adorable kid, but he could not shake the feeling of knowing her from somewhere. The eyes, the hair… Where had he seen it before? "It's not polite to ask that before giving your own, but I guess I'll tell you anyways, mister. My name is Lenalee. What's your name?"

_Lenalee? My name is Kanda._

"Kanda," she repeated, then turned to look behind her. "You know something, Mr. Kanda? Those walls, they're bound to come down soon, like the sun. It's going to be a bang, mister, the biggest bang in the world." She turned back to him, smiling. In her hands was a needle. "The biggest, and you can't stop it anymore. Nothing can stop it."

_What do you mean?_

She stared at him for a moment longer before pointing back to the walls. Another small child, looking nothing more than eight, was sitting in the corner and crying. Her hair was a mess, her eyes began to swell, and beside her, a little black rabbit doll rested by her side. It was missing an eye. Recognition came in tenfold as he looked back at the girl named Lenalee. She was no longer a child, though. She was a teenager with her hair cropped short and her limbs all in the wrong places. A pain felt like it was splitting open his shoulder as she walked towards the child.

"She's looking for her mama, Kanda," she said, hefting up the little girl. She looked ordinary and plain, but the emotion of sadness still conveyed a faint pain in his chest. "A mama that can't be found. And it will not matter. After all, you're gonna be her downfall."

His shoulder gave way to the pain as he turned his head, seeing Alma's familiar grin sticking out of his skin. His eyes widened as two hands— _his _hands! —wrapped around his neck, the veins popping out unnaturally, and began choking him. He couldn't fend them off, so he looked back to Lenalee, who continued to caress the small child as her left hand held a gun to her forehead. The girl looked terrified in a split-second before the bang went off.

The remains of the child tumbled into the dirt, her shoes coming off, with her eyes immortally frozen in time on what was left of her head. Her arms were quite a distance away from the body as the spinal cord protruded from her back. He couldn't stand to look at her anymore and looked away. His ears, ringing loudly from the sound, seemed to bleed like the girl's body. Bodies didn't bleed, though. They never did. He looked back to Lenalee.

_Why… did you do it? She was only… a child._

"I didn't do it." She approached him with the gun, taking aim at his own forehead. Her finger outstretched dynamically around the trigger, an angelic smile on her face. Her eyes were all wrong, though. They were a shade of red droplets and green stars, followed by veins colored black. The eyelashes turned to small needles as her hair turned to daggers of various sizes. Her skin was metallic and glinted off in the setting sun. Her mouth opened as she whispered two sickeningly, haunting words:

"You did."

He woke with a start, sitting up and disturbing the blanket's formation. Sweat clung to his shirt as he tore off the covers, dangling his legs over the mattress, while trying to recover. The pale moon still shined through his window, telling him it wasn't quite dawn yet. He stared blankly at the floor before groaning and lying back down. He buried his head under the pillow before yelling into it, his words unintelligible. He didn't want to see Lenalee anymore. Never again.

When he removed the pillow off his head, the sun was rising. He reckoned he fell asleep again, only this time he didn't dream, for which he was thankful. He heard Tyki speaking lowly to someone outside his door, the words muffled greatly by the obstruction, as he found a clean pair of clothes to put on. He found his new shoes, courtesy of Rhode, before putting them on and tying his hair back with the scarf-hair-tie. The door opened before he was able to reach it. Rhode's head popped through, a small, devilish grin on her face.

"You ready yet?"

"I just fucking woke up," he replied, pushing his way past her. Tyki leaned against the wall, cigarette in his mouth, as he smiled at him.

"You look happy."

"What is this, a social event?" Kanda found his ever-so-tasty oatmeal and quickly made it, watching the steam rise up to the ceiling. It was more interesting than anyone else was at that moment.

"You have everything, right?" Rhode skipped up behind him and latched onto his back. He felt the urge to kill somebody or something (but, in the back of his mind, he knew stabbing inanimate objects would be rather ineffective) run through him, but he refrained from yelling. For whatever reason, his throat hurt terribly. "The poison, your plans, and the willpower? I also made you something special, Kanda." He felt her slip something in his pocket uncomfortably, her hand lingering there for a moment longer than he liked. "It's a radio that connects you to me. It's disguised as an iPod so no one will suspect you too much. It's already on the right channel. Just plug in the headphones to listen to me. The speaker is hidden within the wire, but I can hear you. Ingenious, huh?"

He snorted. "If you want to keep any of that 'ingenious'-ness you possess, I suggest you get the hell off of me. Cling to Moyashi as much as you want, but hugging me is crossing the line. Che."

She slid off him, pouting the way she had, before skipping towards the master bedroom. He wondered vaguely is she was going to talk to the Millennium Earl as he poured the sloshing oatmeal into the bowl he placed onto the table. He ate it slowly, watching David and Jasdero argue at Tyki over driving rights, as Skin Boric devoured the remainder of the sugar cubes. Sheryl was discussing with Wisely about how fabulous the morning was. From Kanda's point of view, all that Wisely found 'fabulous' was the coffee cup in his hand.

"…fuck's sake, Tyki! Can't you let me fucking drive for once?"

"You have no courtesy of the road. I at least obey the stop signs." Tyki rummaged through his pocket for another cigarette. Apparently, dealing with David and Jasdero made him more stressed-out than normal.

"You drive twenty-fucking-miles under the goddamn speed limit!"

"As opposed to the man who drove us into three trees last time, completely totaling the car and somehow getting the engine caught on fire."

"Mole-head!"

"Incompetent fool."

"Guys, guys, guys!" Rhode pushed between the two squabbling men, which made Kanda (for once) thank her for her presence. "Stop it, okay? Tyki's driving this time— the Earl's orders."

"Damn fucking Earl!"

"Anyways," Rhode continued, ignoring David's little vent-session, "we have to depart soon. Everyone's ready, right?"

_Sure, why not. _Kanda closed his eyes to see Alma, grinning as always, making dandelion chains. The scene made him want to vomit and no longer know the hallucination. _Alma, can you please stop acting like a girl and listen? I need you to have the plans ready._

'Jeez, you don't need to be so mean.' He dropped the dandelion chain, ruffled through his pants pocket, and dug the sheet out, staring at it for a long moment. 'Yup, I'm all ready to go. This should be a piece of cake, Yuu!'

_Che. If cake is as chewy as cement bricks, then yes, it will be a piece of cake. _

'Yuu…'

He ignored him, focusing his attention back to the group of Noah. In his mind, they were nothing but problem children gone to the extreme. Spoiled, self-centered brats leading a revolution that the Earl so desperately wants like fools. He chuckled cynically to himself. He was no better than any off them, what with being a problem child himself. In fact, he was probably lower than the others were. He was crazy, after all. A crazy, hallucinating psychopath who could breakdown at any second.

"Kanda, Kanda!" Rhode waved her hand in front of his face, causing him to break out of his interior conversation. "C'mon already, we're about to get going!"

"Che." He rose from his seat and followed the girl out of the hotel room and down the decorated hall, down several flights of stairs and out the front door. Once or twice, she prompted him to walk faster by tugging on his wrist, but he always swatted her hand away and grunted at her. To that, she gave her typical pout, then skipped onwards toward the van they possessed. It was a sleek black, but the fact that it was a van made Kanda turn up his nose in disgust.

Tyki resided in the driver's seat as Rhode plopped herself on the front passenger's seat, computer case being dragged from the car floor to her lap. Kanda wedged himself uncomfortably between Skin Boric and Wisely in the middle row, while Jasdero, David and Sheryl took the back seat. David was still grumbling to himself as Wisely slammed the car door shut. Tyki sighed.

"You children think you can get along well enough to complete our mission?"

"Just drive the goddamn car, you mole-face!" David yelled, kicking the back of Kanda's seat. He swallowed down his anger as the keys in the ignition turned, the engine responding in a small hum. Before he knew it, the car began driving down the road of the richest population, brand-name clothes stores flashing by his eyes, along with tourist attractions and cafés.

"Here, everyone." Rhode handed back a bunch of ticket-looking things to him, making him blink out of confusion. "Take one and pass it on. They do admissions right at the entrance, and this is to get you in. Don't lose it, now! Do so, and you won't be able to get in!"

Kanda rolled his eyes as he took one and shoved it in his pocket before handing the pile to Skin. Alma frowned.

'Your nerves are really on edge, Yuu,' he commented, plans laid out on a table in a darkened cabin. The sound of wolves echoed in the background, but the Japanese man promptly ignored their ominous calls. 'You feeling okay?'

_I'm fine. _He resumed staring out the windshield, seeing street signs and buildings go by. In reality, he was worried about one thing and one thing only— Lenalee reappearing in the middle of the operation.

~O~

He knew the day was going to be terrible when the first thing he woke up to was steaming coffee poured onto his forehead. He knew it was going to be an even worse day when he had only ten minutes to do everything— eat, brush teeth, get dressed, get the laptop, ect. —before having to leave. The final nail in the day's coffin was dealing with Cross's driving. If he were a cat, he would have lost about ninety lives by the time they arrived at a strange place far outside of town.

"Stop looking ill," Cross ordered, getting out of the car. Lavi nodded shallowly as he followed his lead, standing outside of the car. He looked around. They arrived at the edge of town near an old bar of some sort. The smells of vomit assailed his nostrils as he tried not to gag. Cross looked at his watch and frowned.

"He's late," he muttered. "Fucking apprentice, always so not useful."

"W-Who?"

He gave the redhead an 'are you stupid?' look before answering. "Idiot, do you not listen? I believe I told you I was getting help for the two of us. There is no way we can do this by ourselves. We're gonna scout in the building while you keep an eye on the surveillance cameras, remember? Oh. That reminds me." He pulled out two things out of his pocket: An earring made of gold and a pistol of some sort. Confused, Lavi took them out of his hands. "The earring is a communicating device I got my friends to make for me. If I say we're in trouble, you need to come in and back us up, and that's what the gun is for. Also, don't let its size fool you. The kickback will dislocate your shoulder if you fire."

"Oh." Lavi took out one his earrings and replaced it with the new one, all while wishing he brought a jacket. Oddly enough, the temperature was freezing compared to what it generally was. The clouds in the sky loomed as precipitation threatened to come down.

Seconds turned to minutes as Cross grew further impatient. He took out his cell phone, looking irate, as a voice said, "Sorry I'm so late! I overslept."

Lavi glanced to his left to see a familiar face from somewhere. White hair, blue eyes, odd scar, annoying voice— where did he see all of those before? His brain wracked for an answer as Cross said, "About fucking time, Allen."

_Allen… Allen? _His mind bashed about through his personal library of files, the picture clear in his head as a scene unfolded. A high school, students buzzing about, Kanda fuming, and…

"_Ah! I get it now! You must be Ba-Kanda's boyfriend, right?"_

"It's _you!_" Lavi's pointer finger jabbed at the boy, making him blink once.

"Oh?" Allen didn't allow his smile to grow too wide as recognition hit him immediately. "Why, if it isn't Ba-Kanda's boyfriend! It has been a while, hasn't it? What are you doing with my master?"

"I'm not Yuu's boyfriend! And what do you mean, 'master'?"

"You are so his boyfriend, he was my former caretaker, and I will ask this again— what are you doing here?"

Cross, who wasn't interested in the least about their conversation and was promptly ignoring them up to that point, replied, "He's our hacker, moron."

_Former caretaker? _The redhead glanced between the two, seeing a slight tension of animosity brewing. _Wait, so Allen knows him? And he knows Allen? In addition, why the hell is he still convinced I'm Yuu-chan's boyfriend? Besides, doesn't he know that Yuu is dead? _He frowned as he watched Allen smile at him. _There's something not quite right about this kid that I don't like…_

"Anyways," Cross continued, "we're due to head to the Grandworth Auditorium in a couple hours. I wanted to stop and see if the President will listen to me at all beforehand, which I doubt he will. You both know the plan, right?"

They nodded simultaneously.

"Good. Let's get this show on the road."

~O~

_11:50._

He dreaded the time the moment Tyki pulled the van up to the auditorium. Surprisingly, the lines were minimal and easy to get through. Security lined up beside the double-doors with fancy gadgets strapped to their faces as people—old and young—entered through the crafted doors. Oddly enough, the auditorium was not close to the Grandworth Hotel at all. It was about a fifteen-minute drive, give or take. Rhode smiled as Kanda forced himself out of the van, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

"It's okay," she said as he walked by her rolled-down window. "Just focus on the mission and relax. If you seem too nervous, the guards will pick you up immediately. Calm down, put the headphones in your ears, go in the building and do your job. I have faith in you, if that means anything." She grinned. "Now go! We have not a second to waste!"

He only nodded, hoping that Alma knew what he was doing. Essentially, he would take out the guards one by one first, disconnect the security cameras second, then mess about with the C-4. Rhode handed him a small bag.

"The detonators," she said, winking. "Place them in the C-4, alright? You almost forget about them, didn't you?"

He glared at her, not wanting to admit his mistake, as he shoved the detonators in his sweatshirt's front pocket and walked towards the double doors of the auditorium. Large glass windows proudly displayed woodcarvings of animals and figures of importance as he got in the short line, waiting for his ticket to be approved. Passing through the double doors was a bit of a culture shock. Flags of different states dangled from the ceiling by thin wires as chandeliers of various sizes lit the entry hall. The rugs, too, were fancy for the occasion as he approached the woman at the mahogany desk. She was probably in her forties, with gray hair yet optimistic eyes, as she smiled at him before stamping his ticket with red ink, saying, "Enjoy!"

'_Enjoy', huh? Che. _He nodded at her before watching the others break away and walk in separate directions. The stairs to the second floor (and food stations) was located in the corner, not too far from him. He casually slipped his hands into his pocket and dug out the iPod and the headphones. To his disgust, the iPod was purple. He put in the headphones before pressing 'PLAY'.

"_Gotcha, Kanda." _Rhode's voice sounded creepier over a radio. _"Now, hurry up! Time's a-wasting."_

"What are you, my mother?" He put the iPod back in his pocket, keeping one ear bud in while the other dangled. He hurried up the stairs, going past the second and third floor as he approached the door that led to the fourth floor. He stared at it for a long time, noticing it was locked and, to his dismay, needed a key-card.

"_In your back pocket," _Rhode disrupted his dismay in less than a second, _"is the card you need. Slide it twice or else the silent alarm will go off."_

"Why the hell didn't you just tell me that I had it?" He dug around in his back pocket before finding the key-card. He peered through the window, noticing only one guard chewing on a sprinkled doughnut of some sort. He slid it twice, making the door click, and walked calmly into the dim-lit hall. The guard looked up at him briefly before resuming to eating his doughnut. Fortunately, he noticed that the guards often had different attire and didn't wear a uniform. He nodded his head at him before walking by, preparing the needle in his pocket.

"Hey, question," he said, walking back to the man. "Where did you get that doughnut? It looks better than the ones I buy."

The guard smiled. "Homemade. My daughter made it for me as a 'special celebration' sort of thing. Can you believe how fast they grow? She's already in kindergarten this year." He chuckled. "Sorry, I don't have any others, or else I'd share."

"That's fine, I was just curious." He jabbed the needle into the man's thigh quickly and painlessly before putting the needle back in his pocket. "See you around and have a good day."

"You, too!" The man waved before frowning and turning towards where the bathroom was. Kanda knew he didn't stand a chance.

"_You have it all clear," _Rhode said. _"I'm having a bit of interference with controlling the cameras by an unknown source, but you should be able to put the detonators in the C-4 there. Remember, two in each of them. Hurry up— you have ten minutes left."_

_Che._ He lifted up some of the floor tiles (with Alma's guidance) and placed two in each of them, carefully putting the tiles back on top of where they were. He headed towards the bathroom where the guard went and opened the door. The guard was convulsing, twitching slightly, and looked deathly pale. Kanda stood over him.

"It's fate," he said calmly, then watched the last bit of air seep out of the man's body. The last bit of the doughnut slipped out of his fingers as his body froze into the coldest forms of death. Kanda waited fifteen seconds before rummaging through his things. He found an I.D. and a security badge in his pocket. He put them in his own before turning to leave.

"Kanda."

He slapped his hands over his ears. "Not now, Lenalee. I don't have time to deal with your shit."

"You must… stop this, Kanda…" He could hear her approaching him from behind with clumsy steps. He exited the bathroom, but the footsteps didn't stop. She intended to try to stop him, but all she could do was try to scare him. He had a fair share of her tricks that nothing really scared him anymore. Not even the pale, dysfunctional that grabbed his fingers bothered him. He ignored them as he approached the 'Main Security Frame' room.

"_Be careful, Kanda," _Rhode said, seemingly typing. A few curse words came out of her mouth before continuing. _"Whoever's trying to get control of the cameras is almost owning me! Anyways, you've got to get a diversion, and I have one for you. Tyki took out the third floor guards and said he has two guns he can use. Tell them all that there is an intruder alert. Don't worry, it will not mess up the plan— Jasdero and David already are in the skyboxes, and so far, it's been pretty good for lack of security. Also, Tyki's a good distraction artist. Oh, you've got seven or so minutes left."_

"Che." He took the I.D. card and slid it down the slot of the door, a little green confirmation light indicating it was okay to go in. He took a few deep breaths, then opened the door, trying his best to look panicked. Several of the guards looked at him, confused, until he started speaking. "Intruder alert! Someone has intruded the third floor and has killed several of the guards! We need back-up!"

The person in front of the camera views blinked, turning back to his beloved screens to where the third floor was, and saw the disturbing scene. Tyki stood there, waving his hand as if he meant 'hello', then shot the camera out. "He's right!" the guard yelled. "Security, we have a problem! Secure the third floor immediately!"

Most of the guards drew their guns and began leaving the room, leaving Kanda and the head of the security cameras alone in the room. The guard was giving orders, for which Kanda patiently waited to give out, before approaching him and stabbing him with the needle. The guard turned to him, looking confused, before his eyes widened. "You… You're not a…"

"'Night," he replied, then watched the man convulse on the floor. He took the headset he wore and put it on his own head for a moment, hearing yells of guards calling for assistance. Obviously, Tyki was having fun. He took it off and put the ear buds back in his ears.

"The power switch is behind the main computer to your left," Rhode said, but then quickly added, "I recommend you do the C-4 first. It'll give you a chance to see the President come out on stage while you put the detonators in."

Kanda rolled his eyes before turning to Alma, who mechanically gave him the coordinates of where the C-4 was located. An abrupt cheer of the crowd came from one of the cameras, showing the President— he was creepy enough to make him think he was an ex-convict of some sort —arrive on stage, shaking hands of some other important people. Snorting, he resumed to planting the C-4, putting the tiles back on the assigned blocks where they belonged.

"_You've gotta help Tyki out!" _Rhode yelled suddenly, causing him to jump while reaching for the plug. _"He's in serious trouble! Call the guards off— you've just go to!"_

Irritated, he picked the security guard's headset again, hoping it still worked. "Attention everyone," he said, partially wondering if he sounded frantic enough. "There's another intruder on the fourth floor! We need back-up, qui— _Aaaauuugh!" _

He picked up the security guard's gun and fired at the body twice, his arm barely hurting compared to his ears. He could barely hear Rhode speaking as he put the ear buds back in and unplugged the security cameras. The last image he saw of the President was him waving to the crowd, odd smile on his face.

He walked briskly out of the room and hurried towards the stairs, quickly running towards the third floor with the gun still in his hand. He slipped into the third floor hall, seeing security quickly running past him. A few remained, and he could see Tyki smiling at him, doing the 'shoo' motion. He was having a little too much fun, and now, with only half of the guards, he was about to get serious.

"_Tyki says he's fine now," _Rhode answered the unasked question. _"You have about two or three minutes. Get out of there and don't worry about him— He'll get out soon enough."_

Kanda nodded at Tyki, who only grinned, as he left the third floor, hurrying down to the second when, turning the corner, he ran into someone, causing both to falter in their steps. He tried to keep moving when a hand grabbed him by the wrist.

"Let go—!" He turned quickly and froze, eyes slowly widening as his mouth gapped open. The same expression was on the other person's face as everything came to a screeching halt in Kanda's world. Behind him, he could hear Lenalee laughing in a quiet manner, as if she won a personal game, while the hand on his wrist slightly lessened in strength. Alma gasped.

'No… It can't be…'

"Wha…" He blinked twice, tempted to rub his eyes to see if they were playing tricks on him. The grip felt real, though, so he knew it wasn't a dream.

A harrowed whisper from the redhead finally broke the lifetime silence, saying in an uncertain manner:

"…Yuu?"

~O~

Oh yeah! Perfect way to end this chapter, don't you think? Well, maybe not, but next chapter shows Lavi's, Allen's and Cross's half, which should be interesting, to say the least. So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor, and I promise, next chapter will be up really soon! See you in Chapter 16! —Mr. Ree


	16. The Anti Heroes and the Villains, Part 2

Didn't I say the next chapter would be up quick? Yo, and welcome to Chapter 16 of 'Drugtionary'! Halloween's coming up really fast, isn't it? (Maybe I should make a chapter where Kanda's hallucinations go insane in celebration… Hmm.) I love Halloween— as does Mr. Meenor (he loves it, don't let him lie to you). So, for last chapter, we got up to 98 reviews: mori-fan987, SilverKleptoFox, Hane no Kaze, Brigette Janine, FearIsButFearItself, Hikou no Kokoro, Grinss, and marufu-chan! God, if I could give each of you cookies of gratitude, I would! Instead, you get a chapter, which is not quite as good. So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 16 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

16. The Anti-Heroes and the Villains, Part Two

He and Allen sat next to each other uncomfortably, his hands twitching slightly by the shorter boy's occasional glance. He didn't have a clue what he was thinking, and worse yet, Cross wasn't there to break the silence. He went inside the auditorium, in the back room discussing something with the President. The conversation was long and boring, mostly about the lack of guards and how the skyboxes should have more than just mandatory security.

His fingers traced the laptop case sitting in his lap, wondering how much longer it was going to take the womanizer to talk to the President. Winters was being very proud of himself and refused to be babied, apparently. Strong yet stupid, the worst combination on the planet, was the country's leader. It suited America well.

The traffic outside grew hectic. It was about 11:30, and people began lining up at the door, though the line extended to about the end of the sidewalk. Judging by how fast people were getting in, however, so he figured the ticket person was quick with his or her ability. He was glad that Cross was able to get a parking spot by swooning the woman to get out of the one she parked in with her car. Afterwards, she gave him her number. It was ridiculous how many woman he could swoon, yet being able to pay the bills completely evaded him. Lavi shot a quick glance at Allen. If Cross was his caretaker, he wondered how in God's name the boy even survived.

"It looks like it is going to snow soon," Allen commented nonchalantly. He turned to Lavi, who just stared at the passing traffic. "You are awfully quiet. Is something bothering you?"

"No," he replied. He glanced back at him. "I'm just sick of listening to these two argue. It's almost as if they're a married couple."

"Yes, well," he chuckled lightly, which made him seem less dangerous in Lavi's eye. Maybe this kid wasn't as bad as he thought. Alternatively, maybe he was just good at hiding who he really was. "My master has a tendency to try to win arguments. However, Winters seems to be winning this battle. It is because his stubbornness exceeds my master's, which is rather intriguing. I never heard someone so persistent in their ways."

He sighed, resuming his watch of the passing traffic while his left pointer finger tapped the laptop case repetitively. He was trying to not let the situation get to him (often, when that happened, Bookman was there to whack him upside the head), but it wasn't working. He was completely on-edge; His stomach was tying itself into little knots that seemed impossible to untie. "So," he finally forced himself to say, "how did you meet Cross? I mean, he doesn't look like your father…"

"Oh, he isn't." Allen smiled at him darkly. "I met him when my step-father, Mana, died in a robbery. He was shot to death, and since he and Cross knew each other, it was decided that I reside with him." He shook his head. "I did not know how many debts one man could possess until I started living with him. Fortunately, I have the knack of cheating in card games, like poker, so I managed to hold my own while paying his debt collectors off."

"Wow. I think I would've died."

He laughed. "Yes, most people probably would, but since I was 'cute'," he did the air-quotes with both hands, "he kept me around to show how 'compassionate' he was. That really got the ladies."

"So he even uses little kids? Damn, he's either harsh or desperate."

"He's master. What did you expect?"

Cross approached the car and got in, frowning. "The bastard didn't listen to me," he muttered, pulling out a cigarette. "Well, since that tanked, we might as well go in and have a look for ourselves. Allen, for you." He handed back a similar pistol that looked like the one he gave Lavi. "Self-defense, just in case. Don't use it unless it's absolutely necessary. Got it?"

"Got it," Allen replied, taking the gun out of his hands. _Perfect. Now all I have to do is…_

"Damn well better. And you," he pointed to Lavi, "get your computer running— it's about time we stop the Earl."

He nodded, unzipping the case to show-off the Mac in his possession. He opened the lid to reveal a screen filled with security camera footage, watching every move that anyone made while being within the building. He gave a thumbs-up to him while Cross finished inhaling his cigarette. He glanced at Allen.

"Let's move," he said, putting his own gun in its hoister before pausing. "Listen, if anything happens to me, I ask of you two one thing— Finish the job, no matter what. I want, more than anything, for the bastard Earl to be dead. If all else fails, call the number that's in my cell phone, which I'm leaving in the car, by holding down the '8' speed dial. She'll help you. _Now _let's go."

Allen nodded as he put the safety on his gun and put it in his pant's pocket, concealed by his jacket. Lavi watched them get in line before entering through the double doors. He glanced back at the computer screen to see them walking through the main hall. He only could catch a glimpse of them, so he tried to change the angle of the camera when interference prevented him. He blinked, then tried again. It took him a moment to realize that someone else was controlling them, too.

_Oh. Oh, shit. _He stared at it for a moment longer before trying to track the IP address of the other who dared to try to stop him from getting a good angle. Instead, it routed him all over the place, ranging from Greece to Canada. He frowned before trying a new plan of action. He found a hack forums site and memorized the code to send a destructive virus to any computer system. He could not afford to let someone get the best of him, not now, not when everything was riding on his shoulders to succeed.

_Risky, but if I send it to my own computer to leech it to the security main frame, it'll attack the other's computer, too. However, the images of the camera are going to glitch for about five minutes. _He frowned, writing the programming code into his pygame idle program, before saving it as 'chaos function . py'. "Cross," he said, "I'm getting severe interference. I'm going to go offline for five minutes to get the other person off my back."

"_Do it," _Cross replied. _"We've got it covered for right now."_

_Sending a virus to a Mac is impossible. _He stared at the program for a while, grimacing. _If they have a Mac, too, it'll be all over. However, if they have a Windows, I'm all set. I have a fifty-fifty chance. Let's do this._

He clicked on the icon on his desktop.

_It's a Windows. Fuck yes. Work your magic, virus._

On the task bar, in the upper right-hand corner, the time displayed "11:50".

~O~

"…Will it really by all right?" Allen asked, following his master.

Cross nodded, fidgeting a little with the wireless attached to his ear. He looked around, proud of himself for making the woman let them in for free and getting her number. Two for two, which was still way below his record, but considering his circumstances, he was allowed to pat himself on the back. "We're going to avoid the seating area," he finally said. "The Noah are going to try to avoid as many eyes as they can, so I gather they are probably on the second to the fifth floor. We should make our rounds there."

He nodded, glancing about. _Undoubtedly, the problem Ba-Kanda's boyfriend is running into is Rhode. She took many computer classes in high school, that's for certain. I was in two of them, and she always was the head of the class. If Rhode sees me, that will be a problem and a half. _"Are we going to split up?"

Cross pushed the door open that led to the stairs, walking briskly and lightly on his feet up the steps. "On the second floor, yes. If you spot anything, you tell me immediately. Otherwise, stay silent. The idiot with the computer—"

"_Hey!"_

"—is currently offline, so you need to be careful." He ignored Lavi's outburst as he opened the second floor door. People gathered around stalls of food, ranging from ice cream shops to vegetarian stands. Tables placed close to the wide window overlooking the main seating area had the most people, generally in groups of four or five. Just the smell of the food made Allen's stomach growl.

"I know." He spotted one of the security cameras and immediately looked away from it, hoping that it was in black and white images instead of color. Black and white would make it more difficult to determine he had white hair, but color would make it stand out immediately. He watched Cross head toward the concession stands as he followed slowly, resisting the urge to put his hood up. Actions like that drew the most attention.

He made a swoop around the tables near the glass, peering down. People filled the stadium seats— it looked like thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, decided to attend —as the center held a platform and a podium. The President would be in the dead center of the two skyboxes. He looked up at them, seeing faint shapes of people standing in them, almost looking as if they were talking casually. He frowned. _They really haven't a clue of what is going to happen, do they?_

"_Idiot pupil, I spotted no one. Hurry over to the right wing and follow me to the third floor."_

"Right." He squeezed his way through the lines of people and spotted his master leaning against the doorway, seemingly bored. He wondered if anything aside from women really entertained him. "I'm here. Let's go."

He heard the faint buzz of Lavi's voice, but he didn't pay any attention to him. He needed to get his master to take off his earring in order for him to finish his plan successfully. He could not allow Lavi to hear what was going to happen. He looked at his watch strapped to his right wrist. _11:55. He should be able to spot us again by now, unless he's still having problems._

The stairs resonated beneath his feet with small, metallic noises as they reached the third floor. Allen briefly spotted who looked like Tyki, but he moved too quickly around the corner for him to be sure. Cross began opening doors with paperclips as a key. "Idiot with the computer," he said, "how much of the third floor can you see?"

"_Only the main hall. If you disappear into one of the rooms, I won't be able to see you."_

Allen covered his grin by faking a cough.

"Hn. Well, we're going to go in each of them, just to make sure no one is hiding. This looks to be the main business suites where we are."

"_Let me see… Yeah. I doubt anyone really should be in any of the rooms— fuck, stop getting in my way! —so if you spot anyone, seriously question them— shit! —and if you need me, say so— I'm gonna rip out your damn innards if you keep trying to beat me, damn hacker! —and I'll get there."_

Allen resisted the urge to laugh at Lavi's desperate antics to retain control over the security cameras. He sounded like a former gangster trying to sound proper. It was ridiculous. Cross led the way into the first room, which was petite and girly. They looked at each other before proceeding to leave the room, slightly disgusted by all the hues of pink that covered every square inch of the thing.

The next couple of rooms were at least normal, to their relief. Allen discreetly slipped off his own earring and put it in his pocket, hoping it would muffle the sound a little bit. By the time they reached the final room of that hall, it was 11:58. The room was large and spacious, with high windows showing the busy streets below. A desk resided in the corner, a pale white rug covering the floor. This, he figured, would be the best place. Outside the door, he could hear faint yells of guards saying there was an intruder alert. Obviously, Cross didn't hear it; he was too busy looking through the suite's other rooms.

Allen waited, gun drawn, safety off, and behind his back, as he heard faint yells and gun shots.

About twenty seconds later, Cross re-emerged, looking confused. "I hear shots."

"Yes," Allen nodded, approaching his former caretaker, "you do."

He pulled out the gun from behind his back and shot with great accuracy at his earring, completely shattering it. He ignored the slight throb in his shoulder because of shooting it. Blood seeped out of his master's ear, the man having a slight glare on his features. "Idiot pupil," he said, hand reaching for his own gun, "what do you think you're doing?"

"Personally, I want to thank you." Allen chuckled. "You taught me a lot over the years you trained me. I can shoot, lie, and cheat because of you. For that, I express deep gratitude, but now you've got to go. For the sake of my mission— _Mana's _mission —I cannot have you interfering any longer."

"…You've gone crazy." Cross quickly grabbed his gun, but he drew too slowly. Allen shot him twice out of a double-quick draw, both at the forehead. Headshots were difficult to accomplish, but he had a great deal of practice before that point. Cross slammed up against the wide window, sliding down with blood smearing against the window. The mask covering his eyes slipped off.

"No," Allen replied, putting the gun back in his pocket. "I didn't go crazy. I became what I was supposed to become: The Fourteenth."

He put his earring back in as he left the room, closing the door behind him. He figured the security wasn't too far behind him, so he quickly headed towards the stairs while putting the earring back in his ear. Lavi was frantically shouting, asking for someone, anyone, to speak to him. "Lavi!" he replied, running down the stairs. "I can't find Master anywhere! Can you see him?"

"_Shit, I don't know, someone pulled the plug on the damn cameras. I can't see anything now!" _There was a sound of a laptop lid slamming and a car door opening. _"I'm coming in to help you out. I lost connection with Cross about two minutes ago! Is there shooting behind you?"_

"I-I think it's a Noah!" Allen hurried to the second floor, looking at his watch. It was high noon. He approached the windows overlooking the stadium, watching the President come out onto the platform. He was shaking hands with some other people. "I heard security guards yelling about an 'intruder alert' or something! I'm going to go see if my master is on the first floor!"

"_Right! I'll go check the third floor. That's where I saw him last!"_

"Alright." Allen walked casually towards and down the stairs to the first floor, seeing Lavi pay his way in and noticing him immediately.

"You see him on your way down?"

He shook his head. "I don't know— I'm going to keep looking here on the ground floor."

"Tell me if you see him!" Lavi hurried towards the stairs, opening the door wide and seemingly sprinting up them. Allen only chuckled as he slipped out the double doors, smiling at the ticket-checker brightly as he walked back to the car, waiting. He needed Lavi alive, and he had a feeling the bombs planted inside the auditorium would go off soon. He laughed quietly.

_You really are a fool, aren't you, Lavi?_

~O~

He hurried up the stairs, thoughts racing through his mind. What happened to Cross? Who unplugged the security cameras? How much time did they have left? He doubted they even made it to the fifth floor, which meant he had to get there as soon as possible after he found Cross. Or should he get to the fifth floor first, then look for Cross? He bit his lip as he looked back, just in case the womanizer would appear behind him and yell at him for not being in the car.

No such luck.

He turned back to run right into somebody. He stumbled a couple of steps back, hand covering his nose, before starting to yell at them for getting in his way. His manners went out the window the moment Cross went missing. His mouth opened, but the person started to dash off again when recognition hit him like a piano falling twenty stories with an acceleration of negative nine point eight meters per second squared. He grabbed the person's wrist, and his heart, bruising his ribcage with pounding, stopped beating for a second.

Kanda Yuu, who looked as if he were going to kill someone (as always), turned to look at him with the same expression on his face as he tried to pull free. A thought he doubted he would ever think floated immediately into his head. _Yuu-chan's… alive?_

His grip on the Japanese man's wrist lessened as he allowed his thoughts to speak for him with great uncertainty. If this were a dream, he would personally hunt down the section of subconscious in his brain with a fork and a flamethrower. "…Yuu?"

"_Baka_… _Usagi_?" His voice failingly hid his shock as he tugged out what looked to be an iPod ear bud out of his ear. "How…"

"You're alive," he breathed. "I thought you died in the fire."

Kanda stared at him for a moment longer before breaking free of his grasp and running down the stairs. Lavi did a double take before he found himself chasing after him, unsure if it was out of desperation or something else. He managed to catch him at the foot of the stairs. "Yuu, stop running! Hey!"

"Let go of me!" _I don't have the time to deal with you— I need to get out of here!_

"But—"

"I thought I got rid of you once in that fire," he said, obviously irritated. "You should have stayed dead. Why couldn't you have done at least that much? Che."

"At least I now know it's you. Why do you still hate me?"

"Let go!" He yanked his hand away once more, glaring at the redhead. "I want nothing to do with you, you hear me? Leave me alone!"

"Yuu—"

Something in the background caught both of their attentions. It sounded like two separate gunshots, both with the same loudness. There also was the sound of a crowd screaming loudly. Kanda tore open the door into the main hall, seeing the security quickly rushing into the main seating area._ Jasdero and David officially shot the President. I have less than a minute, then._

"You stay here and don't move!" Lavi yelled, hurrying to the doors. "I'm not done with you yet!"

Kanda watched him disappear behind the doors as he walked calmly and undetected toward the exit when a strange, heart-wrenching sound caught his attention. He turned to see a little girl in a pink dress wearing a winter coat over it, sitting in a chair, alone with a stuffed bunny doll made of black fabric. She was crying loudly, looking scared. The eyes filled with tears vaguely reminded him of Lenalee slapping him when he told her he was dropping out of school. He frowned as he approached her quickly.

"What's wrong?"

"My mama left me," she whispered, hiccupping. "She went away without me… Mama left me… I-I don't know where I am anymore."

He grimaced. If he left here there, she would die like the others. He couldn't fathom the idea. Instead, he decided to spare her life. "Tell you what," he said quickly, scooping her up in his arms. "I'll help you find your mother. What do you say?"

"R-Really?" she asked as he left out the front door. She squeezed the bunny in her arms as a faint smile touched her features. "You're so nice, mister. What's your name?"

"Kanda." He looked up at the sky, noticing white flakes floating down. "How about you? Do you have a name?"

"My name's Leah," she replied. One of her tiny arms reached out and cupped a snowflake that landed on her pale fingers. "Daddy named me that, but he died when I was littler. Mama never really liked me too much."

He stared at the little girl named Leah for a moment. He could see the bruise surrounding her right eye and strange markings around her neck. Her mother definitely abused her, or someone else did. Maybe finding her wasn't the best idea after all.

"_Why can't you do anything right, you useless piece of shit?"_

He grimaced at the memory he thought he locked away a long time ago. Leah looked at him, confused, before looking behind him. Her little eyes widened a little. "Wow," she said quietly, "I've never seen red hair in my life before."

Instinct forced him to turn around, seeing Lavi panting and catching up to him. He wondered how he managed to slip by the security guards without detection. He knew the bombs would go off at any second. He turned back around as he kept walking briskly, trying to locate the van. He spotted it not too far from where he was standing, so he changed direction and began walking towards it. Rhode was undoubtedly worried.

"Yuu!" Lavi shouted, grasping him by the shoulder. Kanda stopped, turning towards him, as he spotted Jasdero and David hurrying away from the building. "I told you not to leave! Why the hell didn't you listen to me?" He noticed the little girl in his arms and blinked. "Who's this? Why are you looking so serious?"

"The reason I left," he said calmly, tightening his grip around Leah, "is because of _that_."

His head motioned towards the auditorium, making Lavi turn around. A rumble shook the ground beneath him as glass shards shot up into the sky, along with the walls of the building while the deafening sound of an explosion tore at his eardrums. Fireballs of large proportions consumed the structure within seconds as the shockwaves of the blast toppled him and Kanda over, shrapnel falling all over the place. Leah screamed out of shock and confusion while Kanda made sure nothing hurt her. He couldn't stand the idea of letting a little girl get hurt. Lavi whimpered slightly, his left arm throbbing and his forehead probably bleeding, as he forced himself to stand up and see the building.

"No…" His eye couldn't have possibly got any wider. "All of those people… Every single one of them, dead? Cross… Allen…?" He turned to Kanda. "How… How did you know that was going to happen?" When Kanda just stared at him with a solemn expression, the truth came out. "You… You can't be… Yuu-chan, are you a…?"

He hefted the little girl up in his arms as he turned around. "I can't talk here," he replied, shaking his head to get the snowflakes off of his hair. "If you want to know everything, meet me by the burned-down apartment building at nine this evening. There, I will tell you anything you want to know. See you."

"Yuu—!" He grimaced as he turned back to the auditorium. Fire trucks rushed by him, sirens blaring loudly as they arrived at the scene. Water uselessly poured onto the booming blaze, the chances of survivors slim to none. He turned back, but Kanda was already gone. He could see where Cross's car was parked, Allen running from it out of desperation.

"What happened? Did you find master?" He blinked, noticing Lavi's blank expression. "Lavi? Lavi, are you okay?"

"Noah…" He glared dangerously at the burning building before looking up at the gray sky, completely neglecting the snow he loved more than any other weather. _"Fucking Noooaaaaahhh!"_

Kanda barely heard his yell as he followed Jasdero and David towards the van. Rhode looked pissed and relieved at the sight of him, but mostly relieved. She relaxed in her seat as Tyki waved at him with a cigarette in his hand, looking more than amused. The others, he figured, were already waiting in the van. He wondered vaguely if the Grandworth Hotel, too, went up with a bang.

"About time you get here," Tyki said, happily propped up against the van. "Look at that smoke. Absolutely wonderful, isn't it? Oh?" He looked at Kanda's arms, noticing Leah, who clenched her stuffed black rabbit as if it would save her from all of life's troubles. "Who's this?"

"…her…" Lenalee appeared beside him, hair chopped off and in her hands. They formed little spider webs as they fell to the ground, all with numbers on them forming a path from him to Tyki. She pointed at him, smiling as her finger fell onto the little girl. "…her… last doom," she said cheerfully, as if this plan appealed to her. Her clothes looked tattered as if she was burned up somehow, her legs with circles (targets?) forming on them. Her ankles sputtered and began exerting far too much blood for a human body. A golden hair clasp fell from her side, rolling to his foot.

_Don't even think about touching her. _He glared at her as he kicked the hair clasp away as he approached the van.

"You… are feeling for… her…? But… you're nothing… but a killer, Kan… da… A killer… who has no prayer…" Lenalee stared at him for a moment before cocking her head back, laughing loudly like a half-dead hyena getting its innards eaten by a hungry vulture. He ignored her as he opened the door to the van.

"Wait, you never answered my question." He knelt down to her eye level, smiling oddly in the way he had. "What's your name?"

"Leah," she replied, her bunny squeezed for dear life. She was scared; Kanda could feel her trembling in his arms.

"Really," Tyki looked up at Kanda and shook his head. "You fool. You should know better than to bring someone like this with you. She's completely useless to us. Oh, well." He pulled out his gun and pointed it at the little girl's forehead. Kanda's eyes widened. "Good thing I still have bullets in this thing, huh?"

"Wait—!"

The shot went off as Leah's head fell back into his chest, her body immediately going limp. Lenalee's cackling grew louder as Alma, his only sanity support, was nowhere to be found. His arms dropped her body out of shaking, causing her to land on the mud-covered puddle of snow. The bunny fell beside her, still smiling despite the situation. Tyki inhaled his cigarette before kicking the body away from the van, then opened the door to the car. "Get in. We're gonna be late."

He couldn't stop shaking. Leah now stood beside Lenalee, cackling with her, as he picked up the rabbit off the ground and opened the van door. Wisely and Skin Boric looked bored as he sat between them, looking down at the floor.

'Yuu?' Alma came back with fish slung over his shoulder, gutted and dangling from a stick. 'Yuu, are you okay?'

_I'm sorry. _He gritted his teeth as the van began driving, leaving the unwanted body of the child behind. _I'm so sorry… I'm sorry…_

'Yuu?'

…_I'm sorry. _He squeezed the rabbit in his lap, stained by the mud that it was dropped in before.

The right button eye fell off from wear and tear, landing in his lap as the snow outside began to fall harder than before.

~O~

Whoot! Chapter 16, done! So! Did you love it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! I'd like to thank the band Evanescence and the Final Fantasy VIII soundtrack for the writing of this chapter (which got me shaking near the end. Whoa). See you in Chapter 17! —Mr. Ree


	17. Death's Messenger

Hello again, finally! Mr. Ree here, back with a baby computer (it was given new life thanks to the people at Geek Squad) and a new chapter! Chapter 17 of 'Drugtionary', to be precise! I lost everything, and I had this chapter done a while ago, but I have to redo it. -sighs- Anyways, I got by the 100-review mark! 108, to be precise: taste the rainbow eat crayons, SilverKleptoFox, marufu-chan, Brigette Janine, Hane no Kaze, Hikou no Kokoro, FearIsButFearItself, Grinss, Angel Fantasy, and Harley motor! Thank you all so much for waiting! You guys are all the best, yatta! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 17 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

17. Death's Messenger

_Kanda._

_Kanda, this way._

The corridors that surrounded him revealed a number on the floor, ranging from one to fifteen. A stench of burning human hair and flesh caught his attention, making his head reel to door number ten. A girl stood there, burning, her arms outstretched and looking for help. Someone was standing beside her with a hose, but instead of spraying water, it was adding more gasoline. The corridor swallowed itself whole before he could say anything.

_This way, this way, follow me, follow me._

One corridor was sheeted with glass, fingernails—long, elegant, black—scratching upon them, making odd noises that made him cringe. The nails kept breaking off, one by one, and clattered to the floor, before that corridor, along with several others, swallowed itself up.

He turned his head again to see Lenalee standing there, smiling, her crooked hand motioning for him to follow. He stood there, confused, until his legs began to move on their own. He stumbled, trying to catch up with them, wanting to yell, but his voice came out a squeak and nothing more. Lenalee merely laughed at his attempts before walking slowly down the corridor. One of her arms broke off, but she didn't stop, her feet crunching the boney object before stopping before a door.

_Here, it's here. _She motioned with her head, cracking her neck a little as some of the flesh tore off the bone. Beneath it, the muscle looked brown, as if someone cooked it for dinner. _It's here where you will find him, Kanda, it's here that you will... _She paused, as if looking for something, then reached down her own throat and pulled out a set of keys. They all looked the same to his eyes, but she immediately picked one and put it in the lock. _It's here,_ she repeated, and opened the door.

It creaked in a dynamic fashion, first revealing a tan carpet, then a newspaper and a back room that looked to be a kitchen, then a couch, bookshelf, television set, coffee table, and finally, as the door thudded against the wall, a mutilated body. Ligaments sprawled all over the place as he felt his legs walk into the room, seeing the windows showing a busy city metropolis thriving below. Cars honked and gangsters fired guns while he watched the carpet slowly stain.

Who it was, however, got his attention more than anything else.

"Lenalee," he breathed, "how come—"

_Ssh._ She put the remaining half of her pointer finger up against her lips. _You'll wake him._

He looked back at the body. "Leverrier?"

_Ssh! _She ran towards him and slapped her hand against his mouth, one of her legs breaking off as a result. The flesh peeled off and revealed muscle that looked like a pork roast. He grimaced, words muffled, as she dragged him into the kitchen and forced him into the chair._ You best listen to me, now._ She pointed at Leverrier's body. _It is here, here you will find him, here will you learn. Here is the gate that all will flow out and put the duke on Death's list._

He tried to say something, but she pressed harder.

_Listen._

He paused, trying to hear whatever it was that she seemed to be hearing. Faint breathing filled most of the silence; a heart pounding filled most of his brain; the way they floor creaked beneath Lenalee's one foot took up a piece; a small chuckle from the back room. He stopped, turning his head towards where the chuckling came from, when a familiar face stepped out into the living room's fluorescent lighting. He stopped and turned, smiling at Kanda. "Greetings, Ba-Kanda."

"Moyashi—?"

_Ssh! How many times must I say it before you understand?_ Her fingers dug into the skin near his mouth, the nails feeling more like a gelatin substance than painful. _He's not speaking to you, anyways. Listen._

Kanda gave her a confused glance before noticing another figure standing near the body, one being an exact mirror image of himself. He cocked a grin as the sword in his hand—Mugen?—was placed back in its sheathe. "Moyashi."

"Fancy meeting you here." The white-haired teen poked the body with what appeared to be a stick of some sort. Where he got it from, Kanda had no clue, but all he knew was that this could not be real. Lenalee's grip tightened.

"There's no way you just happened to be here," the other him replied. "Che. You tracked me down."

"On the contrary, Ba-Kanda." He gave a sharp glance before returning to poking the body with a stick. "I came here to ask Leverrier here something... important. It's a shame you killed him before I got to ask. Did the Earl tell you to do that? Or was it a personal thing, hm?" He chuckled before the man got to answer. "Needn't worry. I won't tell anyone you killed your own flesh and blood."

"What do you mean?"

Allen rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't give me that. We both know this was your father, remember?"

Lenalee, while Kanda stared in disbelief, shoved him up against the counter before grinning. _Ssh._

She bashed his head against it several times before the man jolted awake, the stuffed bunny in his hands slipping to the vehicle floor. Someone was pinching his face, which turned out to be Rhode giving him an upset face. "Wake up already! We're here."

He glared at her before glancing out the car's window. A large mansion stood amidst the snowdrift, an iron gate surrounding it protectively. A cobblestone path lined with sculptures of animals led the way to the double doors at the front, a large window residing directly above it. Someone was standing in front of it, waving and breathing white puffs of air. His frown deepened as he picked up the rabbit and followed Rhode out of the car and out into the open. The building was surrounded by a large forest, and when he turned around, he realized they were on top of a hill somewhere.

"Where...?"

"We're in a remote part of the city," she replied, leading the way. The others were already inside, what with how they were the only two heading towards the door. "It's a protected area for wildlife, and my mother runs the place. She lives here to take care of any sick animals and what not." She sighed. "My mother herself is sick, too, so I really wish she would take it easy, but she doesn't. She never does."

_Nngh._ He grimaced as he followed her down the cobblestone path. _Alma. Alma?_

'Ooh... My head...' His hallucination rose from what appeared to be a grassy bed, then blinked around. 'Wha? I'm in a graveyard. Last I remembered, I was going to get more fish and then... I think someone knocked me out.'

_Knocked you out? An Akuma?_

'No.' He rummaged through his bag and pulled out a fish. 'No. If it were an Akuma, my Innocence would have activated. But it wasn't. It had to be a someone.'

"...Kanda!" Rhode stomped on his foot, whispering in a hushed tone. "I'm trying to introduce you to my mother, don't look like an idiot and just stand there with a blank look on your face! Say something!"

"Che?" He noticed the woman standing before him was offering him a hand to shake. She looked pale up close, with blonde locks tied back in a French-style bun. Her dress was elegant, with hues of purple and dark blue lining the bottom, the shirt being a dark red. Pretty, yes, but she looked sickly. "Oh. My name's Kanda."

"Very nice to meet you, mister Kanda," she replied, shaking his hand. Her fingers, tapering to that of a pianist's fingers, were deathly cold. It took a lot to not immediately retract his hand away from her. "Everyone is already inside. Please, come in. I don't want you to catch a cold, now."

He nodded, following the girl tugging on his arm through the double doors. Alma was brushing off the vines and grass off the gravestone where he was left at while Kanda did a double-take. The building was covered in artwork, ranging from Claude Monet to Picasso. Wallpaper with India-hints lined the walls as shrubs marked the corners of large entrance. A chandelier with candles dangled high above him, and whoever painted the ceiling made it look as if it were a dome. The large window he saw from outside lit the place up with the faint sun hidden behind the snow-covered clouds, his shadow reaching towards the next door across the room. Two staircases looped around to the same elevated hall, lined with red carpet and silver trim. A large portrait of the woman hung from the back wall of that hall, directly between two more doors. Everything seemed symmetrical and too perfect, which made his nerves go on end.

"I'll go make tea," the woman said, then crossed the hall towards the left to the open door. Rhode quickly followed behind her, saying something, before stopping and turning back to Kanda.

"The rooms are up those stairs and through the left door." She pointed at it to make sure he got the general idea. "Your bags and things should be in your room, which is the seventh one down, right next to mine." She giggled a little, as if the thought appealed to her, before disappearing behind the kitchen's door.

'Uh, Yuu...' Alma tore the last vine away and turned, his face pale. 'This grave... It's your grave.'

_It's just a hallucination, like all the other places._ He began ascending the stairs and head towards the door on the left.

'Yeah, but they're based on your mood, Yuu! Something's bothering you, isn't it?' He made a concerned face before continuing. 'It's because you got that little girl—'

_Alma. _He almost broke the doorknob as he opened the door, noticing another set of stairs lying before him. _Do me a favor and shut the fuck up._

'Yuu—?'

_I said shut up! _

His friend stumbled a little out of shock, mouth agape, before nodding slowly. '...Okay. I get that it's a touchy subject, Yuu. When you want to talk, you know how to get my attention or to get where I am. Just don't keep everything to yourself, okay? I'm your friend.'

He walked away from the graveyard in Kanda's mind before he found himself in the hall Rhode mentioned earlier. This looked a little more normal in his eyes: toys scattered about here, wrappers there, and, thankfully, no elaborate paintings of any sort. There were, however, pictures of the family on a desk near one of the rooms. It portrayed Rhode, the woman, and Sheryl. He paused after glancing at the picture, looked at it again, and tried to compute the new information in his head.

Sheryl was Rhode's father?

He groaned at the thought, remembering the dream he had earlier. Lenalee was trying to tell him something, he just didn't know what it was yet. Leverrier, his father? He knew his parents a little, he knew they didn't like him and he didn't like them, and when they died, he was happy for the first time in the longest time. The idea of Leverrier being his father was absurd.

Unless, of course, it had another meaning entirely.

_Damn, Lenalee... _He opened the door to his room, revealing a not-too-classy set-up, which made him pleased. _Damn, what are you trying to tell me? And can't you do it without this whole 'hidden message' thing? And what should I be quiet about?_

He closed the door and observed his surroundings a little bit more. He spotted his bags in the back right corner near the closet door. He glanced at the rabbit still in his possession and tossed into the bed, which held two pillows on the mattress. He never liked pillows. They were great items for suffocating people in their sleep.

The window, which was the same height as the wall from the floor to the ceiling, revealed the hill was rather large and led down to a main street, though very little cars drove on it. He couldn't see anything else beyond the tops of the pine trees. Sighing, he sat down on the bed and stared at his hands. The blood ran to his elbows now, the older stains fading to a dry-blood color. Somehow, it didn't bother him as much as it did before, but the little girl...

A hand grasped his shoulder, and before he could turn around, a voice whispered, "Look in the drawer lying before you, the third one down."

He turned, but no one was there anymore, just the pillows and the wall. He looked back to the chest of drawers, proudly presenting its sleek wooden fixture, and approached it. He pulled open the drawer to reveal a sword sheathed, the handle made of a dark substance. He couldn't believe it as he picked it up, feeling the lightness of the blade. "This..."

"It's a sword passed down in my family."

He almost dropped it as Rhode leaned against the frame of the door, looking bored. "My father said it used to once belong to an enemy of this family, long ago in the nineteenth century, and that when he died, he left behind the sword to us. It's odd, though." She giggled a little. "The surname of that warrior was the same as yours—Kanda."

The sword seemed to give off something familiar as he unsheathed it, the blade glinting in what little light remained. It didn't seem to have any dents in the blade, but it needed to be sharpened, that was for certain. "Did it have a name?"

"What?"

"Che. The sword. Does it have a name."

"No." She shook her head before she closed the door behind her, striding across the room and taking the sword from his hands. "It does, however, belong to you now. Every one of us has a skill, Kanda." She pressed the sword against his chest, smiling up at him. He didn't like the way her fingers were oddly close to his face. "I am a hacker. Jasdero and David are snipers. Skin Boric is the brute. My father possesses most of the intellect on America's government. Wisely is a great information gatherer and holds information on Asia. Tyki knows everything from Australia and is the recruiter for our cause. Another follower, Lulubell, is in Europe corrupting their government. Your talent..." She pressed a hand against his cheek as she sheathed the sword. "...belongs in the assassination of all those who are needed to be killed that cannot be done by sniping."

He glared down at her, to which she returned with a giggle. "You know something, I'm starting to like you the more you reveal something about yourself, be it consciously or unconsciously."

"Che. Don't get to used to it."

She withdrew her hand and gave her slightly sinister half-smirk before turning around towards the door.

"Wait."

She stopped. "Yes?"

"I need to ask a favor." He put the sword onto the bed before frowning. "I need to go somewhere this evening, somewhere important. Is there any way I could get back to the city tonight around nine or so?"

"Of course. I'll tell the Earl and program the GPS system in the car."

The door closed behind her, leaving him alone yet again. He glanced at the sheathe and the handle, staring at it for a long while, before picking it up. _This has to be Mugen. There's no way around it. But why are you real?_ He glared at it. _Che. I have to meet with the Baka Usagi later tonight. Damn, why did I tell him that? What was I thinking? _

He put the sheathe through a belt loop, knowing it wasn't too secure, but it would have to do for right then. He needed to bring it along when he met with the idiot._ Oh right. I wasn't._

~O~

The mission was a failure.

Allen politely drove them back to his house, and, even compared to Cross, he was a nightmare. He ignored all stop signs and outran every police officer possible, causing Lavi to cling to the edge of the seat, hoping it would be over soon. The house was modest and Western-style when the car pulled up to it, the police driving right by when Allen turned the engine off. He unbuckled his seat belt and put on a smile. "Here we are."

"Shit, I think you just killed me ten times," Lavi breathed, unbuckling himself. He picked up Cross's cellphone, his computer, and his bag before closing the car door and following Allen into his house. The inside felt small, with a combined kitchen and living room, along with a hall leading from the living room to a few closed doors, and that was it. It was, however, kept clean, except for the receipts left out on the table.

Silence loomed over the two for awhile as they sat down at opposite ends of the table, both staring at the cluttered top. Lavi fidgeted a little with the cellphone. "He didn't make it, did he?"

Allen shook his head. "I... don't think so, no."

"Damn," he muttered, flipping the cellphone open. "Damn it all! He knew, didn't he?"

"My master has—had—an uncanny ability of predicting things, yes." He observed the cellphone in his cohort's hands. "Are you going to call that speed-dial number eight?"

"I guess. It's not as if we can do anything else right now."

He held down the illuminated number and put it on speakerphone, both listening to it ring once, twice, three times—

"_Marian, cho!"_

The two blinked and looked at each other, then looked back at the phone. The person—which sounded like a girl—had the oddest accent the two ever heard. It took every little bit within Lavi's subconscious to stop him from laughing. Allen stared at the phone, blinking, then finally said, "Erm, no, but I am Marian's pupil."

A pause. _"Something happened to Marian, cho. He said you'd call me if it did, cho. Well, okay. My name is Chomesuke, a codename that will do you suffice for right now, cho. Who are you?"_

"I am Allen Walker, and sitting beside me is a boy named Lavi," he replied. "Cross told us to call you if something happened, saying that you'd be able to help us out—"

"—_with the case dealing with the Earl, cho." _He could hear the nod, even though he couldn't see her. _"I know. I used to work for the Earl, after all, and Marian turned me into his undercover associate, cho. I could tell you anything you want, up to a point. Where are you two boys living at, cho?"_

Allen gave her directions while Lavi paced around the kitchen, chewing his lower lip. Cross was gone, and now he was supposed to meet with Kanda later that evening. Something was going on with him, it was obvious, but he didn't want it to be true. He just couldn't be a Noah member, could he? And why?

What would drive him to such a point?

It wasn't him, was it?

He grimaced a little as he glanced over to Allen. "Hey, bean sprout."

The white-haired teen hung up the phone and glared. "It's Allen."

"Yeah, whatever. I'm going out for a walk." He knew he had several hours to kill, but sitting around doing nothing waiting for that 'Chomesuke' person did not sound like a good idea. "I need... fresh air, you know?"

He nodded. "I understand. Go—I'm not stopping you."

"Thanks."

He left without another word, leaving Allen behind in his house. He chuckled a little, pulling out his own cellphone, dialing a familiar number and letting it ring several times. Finally, the person picked up, sounding out of breathe. _"Neah."_

"Leverrier," he said, rummaging through the fridge and finding six pounds of chicken he saved for that day. "Tell me, did you find any information on Kanda Yuu yet? I want to hear everything out of you, down to every last secret."

Papers shuffled around over the line as Allen paced, chewing on the pieces of chicken._ If I can get_ _anything good on the Ba-Kanda, then I won't have to use Lavi... much. It's obvious he's important to Ba-Kanda somehow. Patience is a virtue._

_After all, when all of this is over, I'll have the last laugh._

~O~

He didn't travel around much beforehand. The town was pretty hectic as a result of the bombing: cops here, ambulances there, and the Grandworth was completely surrounded, or rather, the remains of the Grandworth. Everything seemed to be shutdown, down to every last local store. His wandering was aimless and mostly filled with thoughts, not content of the walk itself. Everyone he knew was practically dead. Bookman was gone, Cross was missing-in-action and presumably dead... But at least Kanda was still alive.

Alive and possibly a Noah, but alive nonetheless.

His walk eventually brought him to the crossed-off apartment building, the remains still residing there and covered with snow. Several police cars drove by him, lights flashing as helicopters flew overhead. A news van drove by as well, hoping to get their shot at a huge story unfolding. He wondered whether they new that this wasn't going to be the last of it.

The sun set quickly and faded into a dark hue of purple and dark blue, the remaining clouds splattered with pink and red tints. The snow glowed as the buildings' windows reflected the last bit of light for the day, the glint making him squint a little. He still had plenty of time left, but he didn't think he would ever be ready for him. He sat down near the base of the building, watching the sun fade away from his sight and watching the moon rise high above his head.

Once or twice, he nearly fell asleep, but the persistent sounds of sirens woke him up. He wondered vaguely, by the amount of ambulances driving by, if anyone survived the blast. He rubbed his hands together several times to keep them warm, breathing shallowly and tiredly. The mission wore him out completely, which surprised him a little. He knew he should care more about what happened, but he couldn't muster the energy needed to do so. Nothing mattered anymore except for the fact that Kanda was coming soon, and that he would have to face the reality that his friend might be his worst enemy.

Footsteps caused his head to rise. He turned slowly to his right to see the man in the flesh standing before him, looking agitated as always. Lavi hurriedly rose to his feet, eye wide and staring at him, shocked to see that he actually showed up. The two stood several yards apart, silence making the distance seem longer. Kanda was the first to move after the two-minute pause, walking slowly towards the redheaded teenager. He seemed solemn at first.

A sword pressed up against Lavi's neck, a death glare emanating from him in such a dangerous manner that the sword wouldn't have been necessary to cut off his head. A gun was pressed against Kanda's chest directly where the heart was, his finger stretched around the trigger in response. The only difference between their threats was that Kanda actually meant it. Lavi only did it out of self-defense.

"Yuu," he breathed, eying the sword.

"Shut up." It pressed dangerously close near his jugular vein, almost cutting some of the flesh. "Che. I thought you died in the fire."

"I didn't," he quickly replied, hoping that Kanda wouldn't kill him. "I was sent out to pick something up around eleven-thirty that evening. I came back home and the whole apartment building was on fire. I thought _you_ died, Yuu-chan. I even asked Lenalee where you were, and she said she didn't see you that day."

The name caused the man to flinch. Lavi looked at him, confused, while he breathed slowly. The sword withdrew and was placed back in its sheathe, he himself looking down steadily at the sidewalk. He could hear his hallucination of the girl laughing behind him. He could feel her walking towards him, the way she walked making him feel as if she were walking on his back. Something tussled through his hair—boney fingers—and tugged sharply. He made no sound, but it did get him to look back up at the person standing next to him.

"Lenalee's dead."

A cold wind rushed between the two, almost untying Kanda's hair tie.

"...What do you mean, she's dead?" His voice was shaking, he knew it and he couldn't hide it. Damn. "She can't be dead. How do you know? What's your proof?"

"I killed her."

He spoke without hesitation, nearly knocking Lavi off his feet. He stared at him with utter disbelief, his hands suddenly loose at his sides. The gun nearly fell out of his hand as he stood there, too shocked to comprehend the sudden information given to him. "Wha... You... You killed her? Are you serious, or are you just messing with me, because this isn't funny at all. You better not be fucking around with me. You didn't really..."

"I killed her the same way I killed those people today," he answered smoothly, giving a cool look to make him seem as if he didn't care. Underneath, every single atom in his body was screaming at his while Lenalee slowly traced her fingers through his hair, grazing his neck. Her words dripped like the saliva of a satiated person, but they were silent whispers that no one could hear. Despite that, goosebumps rose all over his skin as her nails scratched at his neck more. "Only with a gun, not C-4."

"Y..." He couldn't believe it. His mind refused to believe it. Kanda was lying, that was the only logical answer to all of this nonsense. However, the more he thought about it, the more illogical that answer seemed, and the more illogical it seemed, the more pissed off he got. "You _are_ a Noah."

"Yes."

"You work for the group who killed my grandfather in that fire," he continued in a dull, monotonous voice.

"Yes."

"You're the reason why Cross is dead, why that building blew up, why every single one of those people died today."

"Yes."

The gun in his hand rose, pointing at him square in the forehead. Something bitter and disgusting wanted out, wanted out and wanted to see the man's blood more than anything. He wanted him to pay everything back. The finger twitched, the veins popping out of his hand, the blood coursing through his veins out of the adrenaline of pure hatred. He wanted this man dead.

Instead, the gun fired and grazed Kanda's cheek, nothing more, as it flew backwards in the opposite direction. His arm throbbed in a horrible pain as he winced, holding the now-dislocated shoulder. Kanda stared at him, confused at why he didn't kill him, as the blood oozed down his cheek and to his chin. Lenalee laughed lowly, her nails closing around his neck. He ignored her.

"Yuu," he muttered, "why? What happened to you?" He looked up and glared through angry tears. "I thought you were better than that! I thought you were my goddamn friend, and now you turn out to be some fucking sociopath killing fucking innocent people? What the hell, Yuu!"

"If it makes you mad that much, why did you intentionally miss, _Baka Usagi_?"

"Don't," he said dangerously, "call me that. You aren't my friend anymore."

"Che." Kanda returned his glare with equal force. "Who said we were friends to begin with? I've always hated you. That's why I moved out in the first place."

Lavi paused for a moment, sniffling a little. "I thought of us as friends. I thought it counted for something, something decent, something good." He took a step back, shaking his head. "But now look at you. I can't believe I recognized you right off. Your eyes are so different since last time. You look so tired, too. I've gotta ask something—is it really worth the trouble?"

"That's none of your business."

"It is so my business. I have every right to know what my friend is feeling."

"For the last fucking time, _you aren't my friend." _He turned his back on him, glaring at the streetlamp before him. "I don't even know why I bothered coming here. Talking to you was a waste of fucking valuable time I have." He glanced back. "Next time we meet, _Baka Usagi_, I won't be so lenient on chopping off your head. Next time we meet, I will kill you. You best be ready."

He started to leave the speechless redhead when two hands grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him into a hug. Glaring, he tried to shove the idiot off, but his grip didn't lessen or wain. The weird feeling in his chest rose again, something that he didn't want to feel right then, as Lavi hugged him tighter.

"You're right," he said in a reluctant tone. "You're right. The next time we meet, we will be enemies. But Yuu, I don't want to fight you. Not now, not ever. If you give me choice, though, I will stop you in order to keep the peace."

"Let go."

"No, I'm not done yet." His fingers tugged at the hair tie keeping his hair in place and yanked it off, letting the strands fall freely around him. Kanda grimaced as Lavi held it before his sight. "You kept this, didn't you? Can I ask why?"

"I found it and thought it would be a waste of a perfectly good piece of cloth to get thrown away."

"Liar. You held onto it because you cared."

He shoved him away, grasping the hair tie and tying his hair up again. "Don't touch me."

"Remember when you were sick?" he continued, not caring for Kanda's words. "Remember when I hugged you like that? You felt something, too, I know you did."

"...Shut up."

"You know what that something was?"

"Shut up."

"I think you do, Yuu, but you're in denial, like I was."

"Shut. Up."

"I think—"

"Shut up..."

"I think that—"

"Shut the hell up!"

"I think that you care more than you'd like to admit, don't you, Yuu!"

"Fuck off!" He couldn't deny it, but he knew he couldn't let Lavi get to him. He was the enemy now. "You're fucking lucky I didn't kill you then, so don't provoke me now!"

The redhead stared at him and nodded. "Fine. I won't. But I'll have you know, if maybe we were in a different situation, we would be best friends. It's sad to think that we can't now, isn't it, Yuu?" He waved as he started to walk away. "Until next time... Kanda."

The calling of his last name shocked him, but he didn't chase after the moron. He just stood there for a moment, watching him leave, before making his own exit. He didn't have the time to deal with anything else stupid. "Che. Until next time, Lavi."

Lenalee's laughter emanated low in the back of his brain, her prayers finally falling into place.

~O~

Whoa, that was longer than normal. I'm still iffy about this chapter... Oh well... Anyways, Chapter 17, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! They are always greatly appreciated, and this time, I'll be able to reply! Huzzah! See you in Chapter 18! —Mr. Ree


	18. Lenalee's Last Wish

Heyo heya! Welcome to Chapter 18 of 'Drugtionary'! I've been working on a story of my own creation revolving around a ghost-void-thing named Sebastian, and it's pretty epic. Anyways, for last chapter, I got up to 114 reviews: marufu-chan, RosalieCullenHale1, Hikou no Kokoro, Harleymotor, Mori-fan987, and Hane no Kaze! I love all of y'all, and is it just me, or has FF . net been dead lately for DGM fanfics? Hunh. Anyways, let us kick off with Chapter 18 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official rele—Kanda, what are you—OH GOD WITH THE FIRE AND THE BURNING!

~O~

18. Lenalee's Last Wish

"Lord Millennium?"

He rocked back and forth nervously on the rocking chair, staring vacantly out the window, looking as if he just came out of a horrible dream. His face was wretched and contorted in such an expression that anger had nothing on it. Rhode nearly took a step back, but she didn't dare as she approached him with a cup of tea. "Here is the tea you requested, my lord. Are you nervous? Did you see the reports on TV? The whole security systems are going into chaos, and every government worker has been tied to various mafia groups and of the like. Is this not what you wanted?"

He continued to stare out the spacious window, morning's dim light barely reflecting off the snow from the previous day. Finally, in a low voice, he replied, "Everything is going according to plan, yes."

"Then what's the matter?"

"You of all people should know the answer to that."

She pondered for a moment, then frowned. "The Fourteenth?"

"I had a dream," he murmured, plopping sugar cube after sugar cube into his cup, "that my worst enemy came back to haunt me. That at the oval office of the White House, as I was about to step into my domain finally, he came from behind a curtain and..." He trailed off, staring distantly while hovering over the glass of tea.

"You know you mustn't take dreams seriously."

"This isn't a dream." He gave her a look that caused shudders—shudders!—to go down her spine. "It is a reality. The only position in office that has proved to not be 'corrupted' is me. Everyone is going to be turning to me now, and I am not going to disappoint them, the people. I cannot wait for this country to be kicked in the knees while it struggles to recover." He chuckled for a moment before his look of worry came back in tenfold. "However, having such a position will attract attention."

"Even the Fourteenth's," she finished for him, allowing her frown to deepen. "Earl, I will not let anyone harm you so long as I'm around. You're practically family to me, like Tyki."

"Thank you, Rhode," he replied. She bowed her head, leaving the room the moment he returned his gaze to the window. She grimaced a little as she wandered through the vacant halls of her parent's house. No one was awake yet, even though it was eight in the morning already.

_I have to remove the Fourteenth somehow, but all searches for him vanished. I wonder if the Earl knows something that I don't._ She wandered up the stairs and past the doors, entering another bedroom. Sleeping restlessly was the newest member of the Noah, his face pained. _More importantly, I have to get this guy better prepared for his newest mission that the Earl gave me earlier. _

_For whatever reason, I feel as if he's going to be our destruction, not the Fourteenth._

~O~

(There was nothing you could do)

_I could've done something, though_

(Like what? You've already let Bookman, Cross, and now Lenalee down. What worth)

_Stop it._

(What worth does someone like you)

_Stop._

(Someone like you even have?)

He rose violently from the bed, gasping for air as a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face. The memories of the previous day rolled in like the waves of an ocean growing to high tide. He shook his head from side to side as he got a grasp of his surroundings, noticing the room was small and rather tidy. _Oh, _he thought, _I'm in the bean sprout's house. _

Day clothes replaced night clothes as he located his eye patch, his boots, his bandana. Everything was in place except the scarf. He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, his fist weakly punching the glass as the water of the shower rushed behind him. Kanda didn't want anything to do with him now, and part of he himself wanted to see him dead with every fabrication of his being. However, the friendly part of him, the part that actually liked Kanda, wanted to try and help him. Something was missing from the equation, he knew that much.

He needed to look more into his friend's past if he wanted an answer.

After a quick shower, he got himself dressed and noticed the smell of tea wafting through the air. He walked down the small hallway and into the kitchen, where Allen stood making tea. A female with an odd hairstyle waved at him with a huge grin. "Look who's finally awake, cho!"

_Uh?_ He blinked a little. _I don't remember seeing her at all yesterday._

Allen smiled faintly. "Maybe he's no longer zombiefied like he was yesterday. Would you like some tea, Lavi? Oh, this, by the way, is Chomesuke. She is here to aid us in the mission my master left behind for us. Pancakes are almost done."

"Sweet!" Chomesuke clapped her hands together as she picked up her fork out of anticipation. Lavi wasn't sure what to make of this so-called undercover agent, but she was definitely interesting, to say the very least. Something about her was rather likeable, indeed. He sat down at the table, staring blankly at the plate lying before him.

"What do you mean, 'zombiefied'?" he finally asked.

Allen flipped over one of the pancakes to check to see if it was done and put it on Chomesuke's plate before replying. "When you came home yesterday evening, you looked as if you had the very life sucked out of you. I tried to introduce you and Chomesuke, but you just kept walking until you entered my bedroom and crashed there for the evening. For your information, next time, your room is the door on the left, not the right. It was a pain to move you after you fell asleep."

"Oh. Sorry."

He placed a cup down onto the table and poured the steaming tea. "It wasn't so hard, but for future reference, remember what I told you, all right?"

"Yeah."

He placed a pancake on each of their plates before sitting down himself. "All right, Chomesuke. You have the floor."

She gobbled down her pancake immediately, swallowing largely as one would expect from a cartoon, then sighed out of content. "That was great, cho! But yes, down to business." Her expression suddenly turned serious, her eyes revealing no fun and games. "Yesterday, as we all know, the President, Zokalo Winters, was assassinated, then the Grandworth Auditorium exploded from what we believe to be enough C-4 to destroy this city. However, the blast was somehow contained, cho. The Noah and the Millennium Earl wanted to make sure everyone in that building was dead, cho." She took another pancake from Lavi's plate, chewing it thoughtfully as the redhead looked flabbergasted.

"Now, we have another problem, cho. Someone sent the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the CIA, along with every police station in the nation, a large folder containing information of the smuggled money most positions in office did. It revealed the whole government held ties to mafias, Russian spies, and some even to local gang activities. Whoever did it gave us solid evidence of their guilt, too, ranging from security footage to pictures, and even wiretaps of conversations, cho."

"Everyone?" Lavi's concern for the missing pancake vanished as his interest in the conversation grew in tenfold. "Even senators?"

"Senators, governors, the works, cho." She nodded thoughtfully for a moment. "A few remained in office untouched, and it was decided to have an election between two of those select people. Their names are Hevlaska Leverrier, senator of Maine, and Adam Millennium, senator of Rhode Island."

"Wait, did you just say 'Adam Millennium'? That's one of the Earl's aliases!"

"What startles me," Allen intervened, "is Hevlaska Leverrier. She's related to the principle of my high school, Malcolm C. Leverrier..." He trailed off with a strange look on his face, making Lavi and Chomesuke look at him out of confusion. He snapped back after a few moments. "Ah! Sorry, got lost in nostalgia for a moment there. Please, do continue."

She rose an eyebrow as if she wasn't buying it, but continued anyways. "Yes, Adam Millennium is one of the aliases, but we've been watching this one for awhile now, cho. His record is mostly clean except for a few high school incidents, but that's it. Because he and Hevlaska both had the cleanest records, and since everyone else who should have replaced the President was found guilty of crimes, they were selected, cho. However..."

She paused, glancing at the clock, before continuing.

"However, about two hours ago, Hevlaska stepped down from the race before it even began, cho."

"Say what!" Both yelled in unison, one out of shock, the other out of amusement but hidden with confusion.

"Yes," she nodded. "Adam Millennium, along with several newly appointed senators, are making their way to the White House as of right now, cho. Now, since I worked with the Earl, I sort of vaguely know what he looks like, but not really. I do, however, know what this girl looks like." She pushed a picture of a small-looking girl towards them. "This," she said, "is Rhode Camelot, daughter of Sheryl Camelot, who was newly appointed as a senator. Both of them work for the Earl as high agents, cho."

Lavi stared at the picture, feeling as if he saw the girl before, while Allen bit down on his tongue. This agent knew a lot about the Noah, but did she know of him, the Fourteenth? More importantly, did she know his name? He held back his questions and decided to allow her to continue on. Since she didn't react to seeing him when they first met, he figured she had no idea the Fourteenth Noah was him.

"Which leads me to believe, cho, that Adam Millennium is indeed our Millennium Earl," she continued. "The only problem is, no one is willing to believe me right now. There is no evidence of him being the Earl, and since there is no evidence, the Earl is going to get away with so much, especially since most of the House is filled with his supporters. That is, except for two seats and the Vice President, cho. Hevlaska took position of Vice President while a man named Neah, last name unknown, is residing in the senate. Finally, there is Bak Chan, senator of California, cho He is also assigned in foreign affairs with Asia, cho."

"...Shit," Lavi breathed after her long discussion of facts. "We really can't stop him, can we, not with a house of senators willing to pass whatever laws he desires. I thought this was a democracy."

"Correction," Allen intervened. "This is a republic. The Constitution was based on a republic-based government. We never really made that transition except for the voting thing, and even then, back in the day, not everyone was allowed to vote. Technically, I suppose that the people could rise against the government, but who really thinks they are going to do that? The people are just little yes-men."

_Yikes. _He stared at Allen for a little bit, eye partially wide._ I guess he has a personal vendetta against the government, too, like the Earl. I wonder why? _

"You have a point, cho." The agent nodded a little as she nibbled away at another pancake. "The last time someone truly rose up against the government was in the 1960's, while African Americans pursued equal rights under the leadership of Martin Luther King, Junior, cho. I suppose you call the Earl someone rising up against the government, but it's not a good kind, cho. However, who are we to determine what is 'good' and what is 'bad'? The Earl thinks it's good, and we find it bad, but what if he's right? What if what he's doing is part of the 'Master Plan' of the world? What if this little revolution is actually huge and right and good for us, cho?"

Silence hung over the three as the redhead stared down continuously at his suddenly-interesting plate. "I think," he said quietly, "that if it's not for the common good, that if goes against the properties of just laws and unjust laws, then it's not good."

Chomesuke clapped her hands. "Way to go to incorporate the 'Letter from a Birmingham Jail' there, cho."

"He was right, though! I mean, if it distorts the soul and personalities of individuals, then it can't be good, right?" He slammed his hand onto the table. "The Earl damaged lives by distorting personalities by killing those people, innocent or not. They had family, they all did, so what the Earl is doing isn't fair. It's unjust, so the 'Master Plan' can go fuck itself if it thinks what the Earl is doing is right. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it one bit, and if that means I have to go hunt down that goddamn son of a bitch myself and shoot him, then I will! If no one else stands up, I will and kill him with my two hands. I refuse to sit by idly!"

He paused, blinking a little, then shrunk in his seat after realizing how ridiculous he sounded with his two companions staring at him as if he sprouted three heads. "W-well, maybe not to such an extreme, but I seriously will stop him somehow."

The agent grinned widely. "Great. It's good to see you have that spark in you, cho. So, here's what the deal is. I was assigned in Marian's place to defeat the Earl, and to do that, I'm being shipped to Washington DC to the White House itself. There, I am to operate as an undercover agent and spy on this Adam Millennium fellow. I'm going to need back-up, so will you two come with me, cho? I'm paying for the airfare and everything, cho. We'd be leaving tomorrow."

"So soon?" Allen asked. "I will have to tell my high school that I am transferring—"

"No need, no need, cho." Chomesuke waved her hand dismissively. "Everything's all set. Just think of it as a vacation! A very long vacation, depending on how everything turns out. You'll still live here in the end, so don't fret about it, cho. How 'bout you, redhead? You wanna go, too?"

_Now or never, for Bookman's, Cross's, and Lenalee's sake. _He nodded. "Yeah."

"Sweet! Now lemme give you two this, cho." She rummaged through her bag and pulled out two folders. She slid them across the table to each of them. "This is the new list of government positions, cho, including senators, governors, the Jury, everything, cho. The ones with little stars beside the name are the ones we need to research into, cho. We need to know them better than we do ourselves, or at least that's the goal. Remember that tomorrow we have to get up early to catch the plane, cho! I'll make sure to wake you both up. Until then, I'm going to go out clothes shopping. See ya!"

She skipped cheerfully out the door, bag dangling from her hands as Allen waved. He turned to Lavi and smiled slightly sheepishly. "Speaking of going out, I forgot that there was something I needed to attend to today. Do you mind if I leave as well and let the well-being of my house rest in your hands?"

"Sure, so long as you stop being so freakishly polite," he replied, more focused on the list of names than anything else.

Allen laughed. "I do apologize, but this is how I was raised. Being polite, I mean. Well, until later, Lavi."

He left without another word after putting on a jacket and putting his cellphone in his pocket. Lavi's eyes continued to read through the long list of names and positions, locking them away in his personal little bank of important information. He continued to file away until his brain stopped at a particular nibble of information, his fingers suddenly growing cold. He stared at the name for a while, blinked, then stared again.

_No way. There's no way. _The list fell from his fingers as shock seized him by the neck and refused to let go. _He can't be on this list. Yuu-chan, a politician? Well, he is a Noah... But still, what the hell has he gotten himself into?_

~O~

Everything was a blinding white, so blinding that if he dared to open his eyes, he would immediately lose eyesight. He stumbled around in his personal black line of view instead, wandering the endless plane to nowhere and hoping he would at least find something. However, in such a void, there truly was nothing. Voids shouldn't be possible, because there is no such thing as nothing. Even death is dying and is something.

"_I think—"_

Little pieces and bits of conversations flew through his mind, giving him an enormous headache.

"_Everyone here has a talent—"_

"_I'll pray for you, Kanda—"_

"_My name is Leah—"_

His foot stepped into something wet, something deep and watery, but he still didn't open his eyes. He didn't want to become blind. Everyone in his head, those little conversations, seemed to be mocking him in one form or another. He pressed further, only to find his footing slip away and his body sink beneath what felt like rapids of an avalanche.

The voices grew louder.

"_So this is your boyfriend—"_

'_I'm the only friend you truly have—' _

"_I think that you care more than you'd like to admit, don't you, Yuu!"_

Plastered under water with so much pressure he could barely even think, he opened his eyes to that voice. Something shattered like glass made a picture, a picture of red hair, a green eye, an annoying, idiotic grin. Embedded in the glass was his own fist, cut up and bruised with self-hatred manifesting beneath the ocean's surface. The grin turned into a frown, a look of annoyance on his face. The building behind the idiot looked familiar as the frown deepened.

"_I'll have you know, if maybe we were in a different situation, we would be best friends. It's sad to think that we can't now, isn't it, Yuu? Until next time... Kanda."_

_Don't go._

_We can still try, can't we?_

_You'll forgive me, won't you?_

_You'll forgive..._

The rabbit in his hands slipped, causing him to jolt awake. He glanced around, seeing his bedroom door was closed, the window revealing snow, and the sword he found yesterday was lying in the corner. He picked up the black rabbit, glaring at it before stuffing it back between his arms. He hated himself for that dream. It was worse than any other dreams he had, and that was saying something. Irritated, he fumbled through his bag (which was propped against the nightstand) and pulled out a bottle of LSD. He stared at it for a moment before ingesting all of it, detesting the foul taste.

"Hell," he muttered, his head slamming back against the pillow. "Sometimes, I wish this were morphine so I could fall asleep permanently."

His mind began contorting things into a different reality, one without annoying voices and annoying oceans. Instead, he found himself lying on the back of a large sea turtle, surrounded with nothing but ocean. He frowned.

Somewhere, some God was mocking him relentlessly.

"Kanda? Kanda, hurry the hell up and wake up already!"

"Wha—?"

Rhode slapped him out of his hallucination and glared. It wasn't as menacing, for she had a horse for a head and a chicken for arms. He almost started to laugh when her mouth opened, showing highly sharpened incisors that potentially could chomp his arms off. "I said, wake up! It's half past noon!"

She slid off his bed, showing her legs were the equivalent of a pig's, before skipping out the door. He rubbed at his eyes, mouth slightly agape at the sight, then tore the covers off of himself before laughing hysterically. He hadn't laughed so hard since forever, but that, that was just priceless to his eyes.

He got dressed and wandered down the hall, the stairs, and walked into the dining hall, where everyone else was gathered. Rhode motioned for him to sit beside her, looking the same as before. He bit down on his tongue as he sat beside her and Tyki, who looked like a stoned alligator. The Earl himself looked like a demented fat man with bunny ears. Now he knew the gods were just having fun with his hallucinations. The Earl cleared his throat.

"I want to toast to all of you for your success in our mission," he announced, raising a glass of sugar-filled tea high into the air. "And I also want to welcome back Lulubell, who was successful in her endeavors in Europe. Now we open the next chapter in our mission. As you know, I have recently obtained the spot in the White House for president after Senator Hevlaska stepped down from the race. I will also have you know that all of you are now in the House as senators. Congratulations."

Nearly everyone clapped except for Kanda, who tried to compute the information in his head. Him, a senator? He didn't want to get involved with politics, but there was no questioning the Earl in any manner or form. He closed his eyes for a moment to see Alma sitting there in a desert, looking partially confused.

'He's putting you in a position of power? How's that going to work? You're underage.'

_Che, you don't think I know that? _He glanced over to Rhode. _Unless, of course, she messed with my birth certificate and all of my personal files. Oh, hell, I've got the worst feeling in the world all of a sudden... _

The Earl sipped at his tea and grinned. His jaw was already large, thanks to the LSD, so the fact that he grinned made Kanda nearly choke on his own tea. "We're going to be relocating our base of operations to Washington D.C., gang. I hope you'll like it, because we're leaving in three hours. From there, we will resume our task to undermine the American economy, then to the whole world's, and finally, finally, we will be on top. Go, get your things ready. Soon enough, we will succeed."

Everyone left from the table, most with peculiar grins on their faces as the knot in Kanda's stomach tightened. Rhode lingered behind for a moment, handing him a folder. "I'll get your things together for you, Kanda," she murmured, heading towards the stairs. "You need to kill this man before we leave, which I don't think you'll have a problem doing. He's our old principle, Leverrier."

He opened the folder as soon as she said his name, the picture revealing the bastard he hated most. He gripped the edge of the folder tight enough that his knuckles turned white. His dreams were showing him things, things that were coming true. Were they really just hallucinations? Or was the LSD actually telling him something?

"Don't do it," Lenalee whispered from behind him. Her voice was normal again, like the old Lenalee he knew. When he turned to look at her, she even looked the same. Same hair, same style of clothes, same eyes, everything. She had that worried expression she always wore whenever he was going to do something his conscious wanted to do. She shook her head. "Don't do it, Kanda. Please, for me, stop this. You've got to stop."

"Lena..." he stopped halfway, noticing Rhode was looking at him oddly. He nodded. "I'll do it."

"No!" Lenalee shook her head violently, her eyes squeezed shut. "No! Don't do this, please, Kanda, you can't do it! This is now or never, don't you see? Don't you see that? You have to stop!"

He cursed quietly to himself before clasping Rhode by the shoulder. "Actually, I think I have enough time to pack myself. I know you can program the vehicle while I get ready so I can get to his house, alright? I have no sense of direction, as you should know. Che."

She paused, pondering with her pointer finger pressed against her chin, then nodded. "Yeah, I see what you mean. I'll go do that while you get ready."

She skipped off as he walked back up the stairs and to his room. Lenalee stood still behind him, quiet, as he shoved everything into his bag. He frowned. "Che. What do you suggest I do?"

"Flee," she replied. "Flee far from here, but you can't stay. You know in your heart this is not what was meant to happen. Something very bad is going to happen if you stay here, something terrible to not just you, but..." She nodded over to the black rabbit, face-planting into the carpeted floor at that moment. "...him as well, and even Alma."

'How does she know about me?'

_Che. How the hell would I know? _He picked up the rabbit and put it in his bag as well, zipping it up and tossing it onto the bed. He sat down, his frown deepening, as she continued to stand before him. "Okay, suppose I do decide to leave. Where would I go?"

"To Washington D.C.."

"Why? That would just lead me right to them."

"You're going to be needed there," she murmured, staring vacantly out the window. "But not for what the Noah want you to do. You are needed there for both of their sake. For your sake. Hide there, and stay there until he contacts you."

"Who's 'he'? Hey—!"

A crystal entrapped her, making her completely hidden from his view. A hand pressed up against what appeared to be glass as her voice echoed, "He who is the lion. Kanda, I will continue to pray, but this, this is my last wish for you. Please... Please, grant my selfish wish... one last... ti..."

The crystal shattered, causing him to flinch. He knew then that that was the last time he would ever see her again. The door opened as Rhode stepped back inside, looking normal this time (which partially saddened him, because he needed a good laugh now more than ever), grinning. "It's all ready to go. We'll see you at the airport, yeah?"

He took the keys out of her hand, hefting the bag over his shoulder. "Che. No shit."

~O~

Since Mr. Ree's unfortunate death because of Kanda, I will cover the ending this time around. Thank you all for reading this installment of 'Drugtionary', and I do ho—uh, what do you think you're doing with that wrench—AUGH! (Mr. Ree: That was the lamest ending ever, you idiot! They expect the tradition, man! The chipper, happy-go-lucky ending, not with something solemn! Moron! ...Anyways, did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! See you in Chapter 19! —Mr. Ree)

...Ouch. —Mr. Meenor


	19. Fugitive

Yo-lee-oh-ee-ohs! Mr. Ree (and Mr. Meenor!) here, back with another chapter of 'Drugtionary'! I had to put Kanda back into place as a result of last chapter. Also, we got snow! (Wait, I live up north. How is this shocking?) It's a happy thing, that! Anyways, I got up to 121 reviews last chapter: Mori-fan987, marufu-chan, Hikou no Kokoro, RosalieCullenHale1 (I dunno why, but it won't let me reply to you, sorry), Brigette Janine, Hane no Kaze, and Harleymotor! All of you are the bestest ever. Ever, I tell you. Anyways, let's get this party started with Chapter 19 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better. This is the 19th chapter I've been doing this.

~O~

19. Fugitive

She waited impatiently at the airport, tapping her foot once or twice per second, standing beside her father, Sheryl. She leaned against the wall, tired of standing, as her eyes kept peeled at the door, wondering where the hell Kanda Yuu was. He said he would be there by then. She glanced at the times of the flights, noticing she had less than ten minutes. Annoyed, she pulled out her tracking-device (she did, after all, put a tracker in Kanda's new shoes) and dialed his code number. To her disbelief—

"He's running away!"

—the man had the nerve to flee.

She put the tracker back in her bag and groaned irritably, walking towards the designated gate where the others resided. Everyone looked at her oddly when it was only her and her father. "Where's Kanda?" David asked.

She shook her head. "Inconceivable! That moron, does he think we're fools? Lord Millennium, there's a serious problem we need to discuss on the plane, okay?" She turned over to David. "Forget Kanda for right now. We need to get onto the plane. Hurry up already!"

He blinked at her, confused, as he nodded at Jasdero to move out. They exchanged glances back at the girl, whose arms folded across her chest, her mood definitely not a pleasant one. Once everyone else cleared out, she and the Earl walked behind everyone down the gate and towards the plane. The Earl gave her an odd look as she groaned again, obviously pissed off. "What's the matter, Rhode? Where is Kanda?"

"Gone," she replied in a hushed voice. "He ran away from us. His coordinates are heading south from here, and worst yet, the folder I gave him with Leverrier's information also held key information about us, considering how I thought he was one of us. Damn, how could I have been so stupid? I should've known he'd do this."

He sighed. "Not to worry, Rhode. You forget who we are." He flashed a grin at her, a creepy one at that, but since she saw it before, it didn't bother her as much as it should. "We'll manage to get rid of him. I'll send out Skin Boric to do it once he settles in to wherever he goes. Until then, try to relax and enjoy the ride, hm?"

"Fine." Obviously, she wasn't fine, but it would have to do for right then as they got on the plane, heading towards the next destination on the list—Washington D.C..

~O~

He left the vehicle behind and decided to travel on foot to the train station shortly after he left. His feet crunched the seven inches of snow left behind by the previous day's snowstorm, his mind questioning what he was doing. He knew that they would find out once he didn't show up, and he knew they would try to kill him as a result. Better yet, he was going straight after them, like Lenalee said. The whole idea was asinine, and yet he still continued to go towards the train station.

"What the hell am I doing?" he asked himself for what felt like the thirtieth time. "I should've stayed with them and killed that bastard Leverrier. He deserves it. Che." He kicked a clump of snow into the slushy road, a car running over the mound and turning it, too, into slush. "Damn, Lenalee, why do I keep listening to you? I must be out of my mind."

'Uh, Yuu, not for nothing, but...'

"Finish that sentence and die."

'Eep! Never mind, then!'

He sighed, glancing up at the partially cloudy sky. The sun, at least, made it warm enough so that he didn't need a jacket. He hefted his bag up a little bit before continuing on his way, hoping the station would be open, despite the previous day's events. People used the station more than they used taxis or buses, so he figured it would be, but he didn't know. When important people die, everything shuts down out of fear.

After about an hour of walking, with hands cold and hair tussled by ferociously bitter winds, he arrived to the large building. Luckily enough, the trains were still running, though there were little to no people around. A few business associates and maybe a family or two, but that was all. He walked over to the ticket counter and paid for one heading towards Washington D.C.. He would need to get off at one station to migrate over to the train that actually led there, but that was fine. He had enough money.

The train rolled up not too long after he purchased his ticket, a few people making their way along with him on board. It was going to be a long trip, but he didn't want to risk being tracked by Rhode via the car. For all he knew, he was bugged right now and she already knew he was running away. He would have to inspect everything later, which would be a pain, but he had to do it. It was one of those necessary things he needed to do if he wanted to live.

He rummaged through his bag and pulled out a snack—leeks, mostly—and chewed on it. Granted, leeks tasted funny if they weren't cooked, but this wasn't the first time he chewed on them for the sake of chewing on them. It was almost as funny tasting as raw LSD.

'Yuu... Are you sure we should be doing this?' Alma glanced around the room he was in, taking interest in a yellow bouncy ball. 'I mean, that was our way out to begin with, and now we're getting out of our way out. You really didn't think this through, either. I mean, where are we going to stay?'

_A hotel. Where else? Che._ He grimaced, the train rocking a little as it pressed on against the wind. _We have to wait for who Lenalee said. Call it a hunch, but I think this is the best option we've got._

'Alright... If you say so...' He relaxed up against a comfortable sofa and stared up at the ceiling. 'Hey, Yuu? Where did you go after you told me to stop bothering you for a while? You went somewhere, I just know it, but I don't know where. Whatever you did, though, it made you so upset.'

_Che. Don't worry about it. Focus on what we're gonna be doing and not on the past._

Alma nodded. 'Okay, Yuu. Whatever you say.'

He sighed heavily as his fingers absentmindedly rubbed his temple. Doubt was a bitch, but that didn't stop it from trying to invade his mind. It wasn't as if he could go back, kill Leverrier and still show up on time. He made the decision, and now he had to stick with it. Besides, he didn't want to kill Leverrier and have Moyashi show up, all diabolical and sinister-looking to tell him Leverrier was his father.

_But he's not my father. He's not._ He glanced at his bag, the sword's hilt protruding slightly out of the zipper. He quickly pushed it down before anyone saw it, knowing that security would be tight for a long while that seemed completely unnecessary. _Then again, Mugen is real. How is that possible? I made it up, the blade's contours and all. It shouldn't be real. It should be in the LSD, the hallucinations, not in my actual fingertips._

'What?' Alma rose from the sofa with a shocked look on his face. 'What? Mugen is real?'

_Che. Rhode gave it to me._ He placed the bag beside him and used it as a make-shift pillow, tired from his nagging nightmares and restless respites._ I don't know how, but this all seems to have been planned since the beginning or something. _

'The beginning? You mean when you started taking LSD?'

_That was years ago, but yes. Maybe?_ His face scrunched up in displeasure as his mind began to hurt from searching for memories._ Shit, what's going on with my head? I can't seem to remember much since the field trip._

'A lot has happened,' Alma offered. 'Maybe your brain is having a hard time catching up?'

_Maybe. Or something else is going on here._

'At least it's better than my head. It keeps feeling as if it's gonna split.' He sighed, closing his eyes. 'I'm gonna go to sleep. You should, too, Yuu.'_  
_

_Che. _He pressed his head closer against the bag, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the light. If something else was going on that was making his memories seem to escape him, then what could it possibly be?

~O~

Allen paused in front of Leverrier's door, wondering what sort of elaborate entrance he could make. He could kick down the door (but that would cost money), he could knock (but that was too stereotypical), or he could do something entirely random that would make clowns question whether or not the boy was sane enough to be out of a mental hospital.

He chose the third option.

Knocking on the door, he said in a squeaky voice, "Hello, Mister Leverrier? I'm a worshiper of Satan and I wanted to offer you insurance to go straight to Hell."

The door opened widely and a fork came flying at his head, but he caught it between his two fingers before he sighed, shaking his head. "Really, is that any way to treat your guests, Leverrier? I would have expected better of you, but no matter. So long as you don't throw the frying pan in your hands we'll be all good. What, did you think I worked for the Earl?"

The frying pan was placed back down onto the stove as the older man glared. "That was rude, Neah."

"It was a test of your reflexes," Allen smiled. "You did quite admirably, if not slightly predictable."

He noticed the veins bulge in his fist, which indicated something worse to come. He glanced to the left, noticing a knife of large proportions embedded into a wooden cutting board, sliced carrots covering the platter. He chuckled slightly. "Why, what is the matter, Leverrier? Aren't you upset by your sister's failings in obtaining the presidency? I wonder," he strode across the room, looking slightly unenthusiastic, "if you had anything to do with that, hm? If you called her earlier today and told her to step down so that she would be 'safe', am I right? Let's see, shall we?"

The phone, located in the back of the kitchen, was immediately guarded by Leverrier, who held a large knife. Beads of sweat ran down the sides of his face. "Don't come any closer."

"Ah, I see." He eyed the knife as he shrugged, shaking his head again. "You were playing both sides of the field, hoping to get the most money out of both of us. The Earl contacted you earlier in the morning, telling you to tell your sister to step down, and as a reward, he would give you a large sum of money. Being the greedy little bastard that you are, you took him up on his offer. Does that sound pretty accurate to you?"

He took a step forward before Leverrier hurled the knife straight at his head, where it grazed a portion of his cheek. He frowned, rubbing the injury with his forefinger and stared at the blood. "The last person who made me bleed got their limbs severed off with fishing knives," he said, "but the last person who bruised me is still breathing because he has a purpose. Tell me, Leverrier," he reached out and grasped the man by the neck, "do you have a purpose anymore aside from being a little greedy bastard?"

An impact to the gut caused him to fall forwards as Leverrier grabbed him by the hair and threw him across the room, colliding with the bookcase and making it topple over him, books, souvenirs and all . He grabbed a spare knife and hustled over to the still-recovering teen. "The question should be, do you have a purpose, Neah? Or is it outdated?"

He lurched back, the knife gleaming in the dull, fluorescent lighting as it came down in a slow arc before his motion stopped abruptly. He looked down at his stomach to see his favorite fire poker, encrusted with emeralds, embedded in his flesh, protruding out from his back. He remembered placing it on the bookcase as a nice touch to all the other things he liked. Now, it was the source of his impending demise.

"My purpose," he replied smoothly, rising from underneath the bookcase, "has one thing outdated in its plan. You."

He twisted the fire poker several times before pulling it out, letting the man slump to his knees, coughing loudly. He glanced over to the phone and picked it up, looking through the registry of dialed and received calls. "Look at that," he said, amused. "I was right."

He tore the phone cord out of the wall, smashing it with his foot before reaching over to the vanilla folder labeled 'Kanda Yuu Information (Neah Request)'. He picked it up and placed it in his bag that he always carried with him, staring at the larger man struggling to get up. "I suppose I should do the decent thing and put you out of your misery, but you've stained my gloves enough for one day. See you in hell, Leverrier."

He left the large apartment and stepped into the hall, smiling at an old woman with a puppy barking enthusiastically, tail wagging. He bent down and patted the dog before bowing slightly at the old woman out of respect. His cellphone vibrated in his pocket as he walked down the stairs, heading towards the front door. "Hello?"

"_Hey, Allen? It's me, Lavi. I think I might have something on this odd 'Neah' guy, but I'm not sure if it's right."_

"Oh?" He tried to not let his shock show. He was certain he erased every bit and trace linked to his existence. "What did you find?"

"_I found that he died a few years ago in England."_

He refrained from laughing at the apprentice Bookman and his stupidity. "Maybe it's the wrong Neah, then? This one is in America, Lavi. Why don't you try localizing your search? And you call yourself a hacker."

"_H-Hey! That's not very nice, bean sprout."_

"It's Allen."

"_Whatever. Allen. Yeah, I should've thought of that earlier."_ He yawned loudly. _"Actually, I'm going to take a nap. All of this internet searching and shit is making me tired. Hey, where are you, anyways? You've been gone for several hours now. Chomesuke already returned and we're about to have lunch without you if you don't hurry up."_

"Oh, I've been busy looking for Christmas presents for my friends. It is best to get holiday shopping over and done with before Black Friday comes around, don't you agree?" He chuckled a little. "I got this beautiful necklace for my friend Lou Fa, a nice pair of scythes for my other friend Fou..."

"_Wait, whoa, did you just say scythes? Is that person crazy?"_

"No, but she is a bit bloodthirsty." He chuckled again. "I got them for a discount, though the quality I believe is good. German-made steel. Can't go wrong with that. Anyways, you two can have lunch without me. It may be a while before I return. I'm in the downtown area, and all the buses are closed down, so I'll have to walk back. It's only three miles, but still, please, eat without me."

"_Alright. We'll save you something."_

"No need. I'll be going to a restaurant today. I feel like eating Asian food."

"_Suit yourself." _He hung up afterward, leaving a dull tone behind as a result until Allen hung up himself. He frowned.

_Great. Now I actually have to come back with German-made scythes and a necklace. Why couldn't you have come up with a better lie at short notice, Allen? Like a poker game or something of the like?_ He crossed the street quickly and entered a small Chinese food place, the smell of egg rolls filling the room. In the corner of the room he noticed a small group playing a card game of some sort. He smiled a little. _Well, I could play poker now to get the money for the presents, I suppose. It's not likely that this game will completely impose on my plans of killing my worst enemy._

~O~

"So, how much longer are we going to lead Allen on?"

Chomesuke fiddled with her knitting supplies, frowning once or twice whenever she messed up. "Don't worry about it, cho. I know you're nervous since I told you that he's actually the Fourteenth Noah and all, but please, if he finds out you're packing heat, he'll split instantly, cho. You have to trust me. It's the only way this is going to work."

He breathed in shakily. When Chomesuke returned from going clothes shopping, she dropped the bombshell of Allen being the current Fourteenth Noah on him. She then told him about how he separated from the Noah and that his plans are to become the new Millennium Earl himself. At first, he didn't believe it until she showed him that his foster father, Mana Walker, had ties to the Fourteenth (she said she didn't know how, though) and that in his will he wanted Allen to continue the job.

"Then why hasn't he killed me yet with, like, poison or something?" His face paled. "Oh, God, what if he poisoned those pancakes?"

"He didn't, cho." She grimaced again, glaring at the knitted scarf as she continued. "I'm an undercover agent for a reason—to determine those sorts of things. Besides, I think he's keeping us around to get more information about the Millennium Earl. The more you know about your enemy, the better off you are defeating him, cho, which is why I gave him a faulty list. Some of the names on there are correct, but most of them aren't, cho. Damn stupid thing!" Her glare turned into something dangerous as she continued to mess with the horrible-looking scarf that looked like a failed scientific experiment. "Anyways, when we get to Washington D.C., I'll come up with something, okay, cho? It's all about timing."

"I realize that, but what if it's the wrong timing? What if we wait too long?" He bit his bottom lip nervously. "I mean, he's dangerous. He could kill us in our sleep for all we know. If he makes the first move, it's all over."

"He won't make a move unless he's absolutely certain that we're onto him, which is why I keep saying to stop worrying, cho." She grinned as she finally got the seventh row of knitting correct. "See, wasn't that easy? Try being nicer to me, scarf." She looked back at Lavi. "You're a decent actor, kid. I know you didn't like him from the get-go when I first saw you. He did or said something to you, didn't he?"

"Well, to a friend of mine, but..." He trailed off, looking saddened. Just the thought of Kanda made him feel sick to his stomach. He wasn't sure if it was out of hatred, but what he did know was that he didn't want to think of him more than he had to. However, he kept failing utterly as his mind kept wandering back to that conversation they had the previous night. He shook his head rapidly. "But anyways, yeah, he said something and I never really truly liked him, but I could put up with him, at least."

"That's what a lot of people do, especially when they don't like to trust, cho. Putting up with people, I mean." Her glare returned at the scarf, her needles slowly but surely beginning to look like murder implements. "You have very little trust, don't you, cho?"

"Heh. I guess you could say that."

She shrugged. "Sometimes it's for the better that way, cho. But sometimes, when you realize that you really can't do things on your own, you have to trust someone, cho. I trusted Marian when he said that he wouldn't put me in jail if I helped him get the Millennium Earl in prison, and he kept his word. I'm still helping him, even though he's undoubtedly dead, cho. He kept his end of the bargain. Now it's my turn to do my part."

"Did you ever consider going back to the Earl?"

She paused in her knitting for a moment, as if thinking about something, then resumed. "Yeah, once or twice, cho. Several times, in fact. But then I questioned whether going back was worth it, and I determined it wasn't. Slaving my life away for the Earl is not how I want to spend my life, cho. I'd rather make annoying scarves by knitting like an old lady who has ten thousand cats, cho."

He laughed loudly at that, not knowing why it was so funny. She grinned.

"Point being, I'm allowed to do what I want to do, cho. Working with the Earl is like walking on a tightrope over poisonous spiders and pissed off monkeys. When you first leave, though, you have to absolutely convince the Earl that you are dead, which ain't easy. I even had to make a newspaper run a false article about my death by choking on noodles, cho!" She sighed a little. "But it was worth it. Not once has one of his lackeys hounded me down and tried to kill me since."

He nodded, his mind wandering towards Kanda. Did he know what he was getting into, or was he completely naïve to it all? He knew he was a bit hot-headed and never really thought anything through, even though he seemed to be the type that would take everything into consideration. More importantly, it all depended on when Kanda joined. In reality, it didn't seem until that night when he had a meeting that he really was involved in anything aside from attending high school.

Then what was the trigger?

His mind started to hurt too much as he took all sorts of factors into consideration. He forced the question out of his mind and put it in a file in his brain to be opened later when he wasn't so tired. He glanced over to Chomesuke, who kept muttering to herself about how stupid the scarf was, and wondered whether or not if Kanda had a chance to get out, like she did. If he could get him away from the Noah and the Earl, convince them that he was dead, then help him live in hiding until the Earl ended up jailed, maybe he could get his friend back without having to resort to killing him.

But the question then was, would Kanda listen to him?

He groaned as his brain tried to answer that question with a 'Of course he'll say no', but he ignored it and tried to find out alternative ways to solve the problem. Finally, after a few moments, he gave up and tried to fall asleep. His brain, after all, was tired.

"If you sleep now, you won't be able to sleep tonight, making tomorrow a bad day, cho," Chomesuke sang in a chipper tone.

"I know."

He let himself nod off on the chair, his mind asking one final question before he fell asleep:

_If it comes down to it, will you have the heart to kill Kanda?_

~O~

Ooh, can you smell the climax coming? I certainly can! I estimate another... Oh, three to five chapters before we get there? Give or take, really. In short—THE ENDING IS COMING, THE ENDING IS COMING! Place your bets on who's gonna live and die! Anyways, Chapter 19, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It is always greatly appreciated! See you in Chapter (O_O Whoa, already?) 20~! —Mr. Ree


	20. Arrival to DC

So, after getting brandished by my editor a few times, saying "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" (complete with the all caps!), it's been decided I am going to finish 'Drugtionary' before the year ends. (He is literally standing right above me now as I type this. No joke. With a ruler.) So, that's good news, and better news—when I'm gone, Mr. Meenor himself will take over the other fanfics we've got. I will stop in from time to time. Thank you all for your support! It's the best thing ever to have a fanbase, no joke. You guys are so wonderful I nearly cried at my reviews. So, let's end the year on a good note and commence forthwith with the winding down chapters of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

20. Arrival in D.C.

The train chugged along, the loud horn disrupting his sleep several times as people got on and off, ranging from businessmen to little children. An old woman with a walker came on, her gait slow and stumbling before she finally sat down, looking exhausted from her little adventure. He glared at the ceiling when the horn woke him up yet again. He still wasn't at his destination yet, annoyingly enough. He closed his eyes, hoping to get more sleep. He wondered if he should have split after he got on the plane with the Noah.

_No, _his mind told him, _because then they would have immediately tracked you down._

"Excuse me, sir."

Kanda opened one eye lazily to see the old woman with the walker standing over him, looking down at him as if he were a small child. He tried to get rid of his constant glare as she continued to speak through her dry, cracked lips.

"Sir, if I may ask, are you lost? You look awfully lost to me."

He raised an eyebrow. "Um, no. I'm pretty sure I am certain of where I am going."

"Oh," she replied. She stared vacantly for a moment before continuing. "You know, sir, you look young, too. You young ones are often looking at life as something to be taken for granted. I say this because you seem to be one of those, hm." She smiled a little. "Listen to me. You have plenty of time to make up for your mistakes. When you get to be my age, you have to live with regrets, but also wonderful memories. So, sir, I tell you this much—you're lost, but you're not the only one."

He looked at her again as recognition kicked in. His eyes widened. "You're my old neighbor."

She nodded before her body began shifting into several different shapes. Her fingers mutated into several different arms dangling loosely at her sides as her skin bubbled up, every wrinkle outstretched into a hellish-looking balloon. Her knees broke in several places as teeth—molars, not incisors—filled the empty gaps where the kneecaps used to be located. Sludge oozed out in shapes of eyes as they all stared at him, colored in various skin tones. They latched onto her thousands of arms as she swayed before him, her lips wide and gums dangling off of them.

"The... The fuck...?" He sat up straight, watching the stumbling, bumbling monstrosity waltz in its own, slow way. The skin darkened to a thick black, something one would expect out of coffee, as the arms latched onto his arms and legs. They pulled and yanked, getting him uncomfortably close to it. He tried to push it away, but to no avail as the lips smacked together, a deep voice coming from the dripping gums. Huge globs of saliva landed on his head as he wrestled his way, trying to get free.

"This is a message," it said, its skin molding from peculiar-shaped bones protruding out of its cheek. "I am here to warn you of the impending danger lying before you. The answer you seek lies in the past."

"Past what? Hey—!" Its fingers stabbed him in the middle of his back, causing him to jolt awake from his nightmare. A child looked at him oddly as he attempted to calm himself down, the train shuddering from the clattering of its wheels on the tracks before it came to a halt.

"_Station A-Square, Washington DC,"_ the speaker announced. _"Please be careful getting on and off the train... I repeat, Station A-Square..."_

He hefted his bag over his shoulder, the nightmare behind him as he stepped onto the concrete floor of a small station. Everyone within the structure wore full-black or at least wore something with black on it. He frowned. _In honor of all the people from Washington who died, I bet. Che._

The clock, with Roman numerals and decorations of carvings standing out as its features, showed that it was eight in the evening. He wandered out of the station and into the streets. Business's with signs indicating that they were closed lined the sidewalks, a restaurant or two between the long stretch. Some yellow ribbons clung around the telephone poles and trees. A broken payphone laid untouched, a homeless man sleeping in it. Everything seemed quiet, too quiet. It got on his nerves quickly as he walked aimlessly through the deserted streets.

'...Yuu?' Alma rubbed his eyes, finally waking up from his long slumber. 'Yuu, where are we gonna stay? It looks like everything is shut down or closed.'

_I'll think of something. Maybe I could get another apartment or something around here if I can't find a hotel soon. _He glanced up at the sky, swirls of clouds looming above. Something about the way they moved slowly made the place seem lonelier. The wind picked up as he walked on, the soles of his feet growing tired as he stumbled.

'Yuu! Are you okay?'

_I'm fine. Just tired. _He gathered himself up as he walked slowly towards what appeared to be a hotel from a distance. The sign was green and glowing as he approached the door. He tugged on the handle to see that it was, in fact, open. Part of him sighed out of relief as he arrived at the front desk. A man stood behind it, fake smile plastered on his face. He hated those types of people, like Lavi.

_Che. Stop thinking about him._ He kept his face calm with all traces of annoyance hidden. "I'm looking for a room to crash for a week."

"Alright, let me see here..." The man typed something in on the keyboard, eyes flicking from Kanda to the screen and back to Kanda again. "Ah, yes, here we go. Room 306." He pulled out a brochure with a key-card in it. "Slide your credit or debit card there, sir."

He slid the card and put in the pin number, accepting the brochure the moment the man said, "All set, thank you."

"Thanks," he replied quickly. He walked up three flights of stairs before locating room 306 of the hotel. He slid the key-card, the light on the lock turning green and clicking to indicate it was unlocked. The door creaked open to reveal a rather modest room, one with simple furnishings and décor. He placed the bag beside the nightstand before kicking off his shoes. Exhausted, he didn't think twice as he crashed onto the bed.

'Wow, you must be wiped.'

_I am. Thanks for stating the obvious._ He sighed heavily, his fingers limp at his sides. He raised an eyebrow at the sound of a small click from behind the door.

'What... What was that?' Alma asked, voice rising from adrenaline.

_Don't know. But I don't like it._ He reached for his bag, unzipping it and reaching for the sword he now owned. A few more clicks followed as he approached the door, his movements quiet from lithe muscles. He pressed his head against the door, hearing breathing from the other side.

'Oh, no. Yuu, I have a bad feeling...'

_It all depends on who moves first._ He hid the sword behind him as his fingers outstretched for the handle, fingers twitching occasionally as they rested against the cold metal. He waited a moment before yanking the door open quickly, frightening the cleaning maid standing in front of it. He blinked as she took a moment to recover.

"Sorry, didn't know this room was taken," she breathed.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he replied. "I thought I heard clicking and I wondered what it was. My fault." He nodded at her to confirm his apology as he closed the door, groaning at his mistake. He walked back to the bed and put the sword underneath the bed, just in case.

'Well,' Alma laughed sheepishly, 'at least it wasn't a Noah or something.'

_You have a point. Che._ He rolled over, staring at the red numbers of the alarm clock. _But I know they'll come for me soon. It all depends on when._

'But... you'll live, right? I mean, you're strong, Yuu.' His friend tilted his head, frowning. 'You're not gonna give up now, are you? We've made it this far.'

_I have no intention of just curling up and dying, Alma. Not yet, anyways. Not by their hands._ He chuckled a little. _Ironic. I used to wish to die, and now, I have a will to live. Hah. Damn, Lenalee, I bet this is all your fault, isn't it? I suppose I'm living for you now._

_And I don't intend to let you die twice on my behalf._

~O~

Rhode wandered through the halls of the Noah's new base-of-operations as her arms stretched to touch the walls with her fingertips. The plane landed three hours earlier, and she still didn't map out the whole building. It was old, she knew that much, but it was riddled with old passages that led to secret rooms. She got lost several times now, and she was lost yet again. In other words, she stumbled through another half of the house and couldn't find anybody. She didn't care, though. There wasn't anything she needed to be doing at that moment.

Her mind angrily cussed out Kanda, the newest—and no longer—Noah, who left them behind in an attempt to get away. She would find him and kill him with her own two hands, if need be, after she found him. However, the main reason she was so angry was that she felt as if she could trust him, as if he was a friend with the same goals. It irritated her to think she actually thought that and believed it.

Most importantly, though, she almost actually liked him. She almost liked him the same way she liked Allen, whom she had to leave behind without saying good-bye. She glared bitterly at the dark, empty corridor covered in cobwebs, insect's insides rotting with small spider remains. The very thought made her stomach sick with disgust. She rummaged through her skirt's pocket and pulled out her miniaturized tracking system, inputting his code and frowning. He was there, in Washington D.C., like they were. Annoyed, she turned off the tracking system and put it back in her pocket.

"I'll ask the Earl if I could kill him myself," she muttered, hands pounding at the walls to hear any echoes. She poke at one of the walls and tugged at it, opening the wall and revealing another passage. She wandered through it, sighing, as depression set in. "Why would he leave? We treated him the same way we treated everyone else... Or is the number fourteen doomed for us? He replaced the Fourteenth well, but now..."

She opened the door at the end of the passage, winding up in the living room. The Earl sat in a rocking chair, knitting away beside an old phone. He turned to her and grinned. "Hello, Rhode. Are you having fun?"

"I suppose," she replied, latching onto his back. "What're we going to do about Kanda? Are we seriously just going to let him go? Or are you going to actually send Skin Boric to kill him?"

"I don't know," the Earl admitted. "I don't think he can do much to us right now, so let him be for the moment. We need to focus on our plans for the White House and this country, along with the Fourteenth. There is no doubt in my mind that he is on the move."

She frowned. "If we knew more about the Fourteenth, we would be able to find him, easy."

"He's a master of blending in, that boy," he replied. "We do know his name, but I cannot find him anywhere."

"You have a name?" She raised an eyebrow. "You never told me that! Lord Millennium, why didn't you tell me? I can find anyone with just a name!"

"I didn't tell you?" He rocked in his rocking chair, Rhode helping with the momentum. "The original Fourteenth died. The new Fourteenth's name is Allen Walker."

Her arms lost strength as she toppled over, collapsing beneath the rocking chair. The Earl stopped, confused, as the girl twitched with shock behind him. "He... He was right in front of me this whole time?" she whispered, eyes wide. "Right in front of me. Right there, and I never noticed."

"Hm? What is it?"

"He was right fucking there!" She sat up, obviously angry. "Damn! That boy, Allen, I told you about, is the fucking Fourteenth!"

The Earl paused, processing this information, as he nodded. "That's good that you know what he looks like, then," he said. "We can use that to our advantage. Oh, don't be so upset, Rhode. You didn't know it was him. Come on, let us make some tea together and relax, okay?"

She sniffled a little as she nodded at him. "Yeah... I guess that's all we can do for right now, isn't it? But, Earl," she continued, having a serious expression on her face, "can I please kill Kanda myself?"

"If you feel up to it," he replied. "But first, tea."

"Yeah," she nodded, "tea."

~O~

The next morning he awoke with a girl smiling at him, two pots clattering above him. She banged them together right next to his ear, his eyes wide with shock. "Chomesuke! What the hell? Couldn't you have just woken me up like a normal person or something?"

"But that's no fun, cho!" she whined, banging the pots again. "Wakey wakey, Lavi! It's time to get up, alrighty? Hurry up, breakfast will get cold if you keep on a-slackin', cho! I mean, seriously! How rude do you have to be to such a nice girl waking you up for breakfast, waking you up before the food even gets cold, cho? Honestly!" She pouted at him before whacking him with one of the pots. "Hurry up," she said again, then hurried out of his room, laughing.

_Oh, God..._ He groaned to himself as he forced himself to get out of bed. _It's not even five in the morning and I already have a migraine. Oh, hell... _

He put on a fresh pair of clothes before putting on his boots, his muscles sore from not sleeping enough. He knew he should have fallen asleep earlier, but he couldn't for whatever the reason. He yawned a little as he hurried down the hall and into the kitchen. Allen smiled at him as he placed down a plate consisting of maple syrup and waffles. "Good morning, Lavi. Did you sleep well?"

"I guess you could call it that..." he mumbled, sitting down at the table. "What time does the plane leave?"

"Around six-forty-five, cho," Chomesuke nodded to herself. "Yeah, that's the time. I figured you guys would need extra time to get ready, cho, so I got you up early. Wow, Allen! This is really good, cho!"

"Thank you." He smiled again as he placed another plate down onto the table. "For you, Lavi. So, what's the plan when we get there?"

"Well," she nibbled on her waffle thoughtfully, "I was thinking of first getting a hotel room, then we get down to business, cho. We know the Earl is going to be there, and all we need to do is get evidence of his corruption to nail him. That won't be easy, though. We're gonna have to find a loophole in the White House's system." She glanced over to Lavi. "You think you can do it, cho?"

"Doubtful. The CIA has everything guarded and what not." He laughed sheepishly. "My skills are mediocre, at best. I'd need a dictionary of all the best codes in Python to figure it out, and even then it probably won't work. Python's not a good code-writer for hacking. It's compiling skills are alright if you really know what you're doing..." He frowned. "We need a serious professional for this—why are you looking at me like that?"

"Compiler? Python? Wha?" Allen stared at him, utterly confused.

"You've got me," she replied, having the same confused look.

"Python is a code writing program," he explained. "The best version out right now is 2.7. Anyways, when we get there, we're going to need to look at any possible Noah's backgrounds to make sure that's what they actually are. I can at least do that much for you."

"Alright," Chomesuke nodded. "Allen and I will take that information and target each of them, cho. If we play our cards right, we'll get each of them for treason! Isn't that exciting? I can smell victory, cho! Victory, I say!"

"You're awfully hyper," Allen commented, eating his own stack of fifteen waffles. "Lavi, are you not hungry or something? You haven't touched your food."

"I guess I'm not," he confessed. "I'm just going to go get ready, if that's alright with you."

"M'kay," Chomesuke nodded, stealing his waffle. Lavi nodded a little before walking back down the hall and into his designated room. He shoved everything into his bag and groaned again, watching the clock tick away the time. The idea of letting Allen—the Fourteenth or whatever—alone while he probably planned for his own world domination was asinine, yet necessary if they wanted to succeed. It was as if he was playing two sides of the field, and it was exhausting him.

_How do villains do it?_ He placed the bag near the door as he paced around the room subconsciously. _I mean, how can they manage to act like a good guy yet be the bad guy at the same time? I can understand anti-heroes, like Cross, but people like Allen... Their mindset must be seriously fucked up if they think they're perfect in every little way. But what about Yuu?_ He shook his head from side to side. _Gah, don't think about him. You'll just become more exhausted._

_And right now, you need to be awake more than ever._

~O~

The plane ride took a few hours as they arrived at the airport, people moving about quickly in hectic manners. Buzzes and snippets of conversations rushed by as the people typically looked somber and wore black. Chomesuke, who wore pink, stood out in the crowd as she proudly strode in her dress and flip-flops in late autumn. Some glanced at her oddly as she beamed excitedly at the sight of some pretzels roasting and the smell of pizza.

"Er, Chomesuke?" Lavi said wearily, his face showing his exhaustion. "Could you, well, at least pretend you're a normal person?"

"Why? That would ruin all the fun, cho!" She skipped along and picked up her bag from the conveyor belt, slowly rotating the bags from flights. "Here you go! That's your bag, Allen, and this is yours, Lavi! Let's go, let's go! I wanna see the room I reserved, cho! I never get a vacation! Heh heh!"

_She's viewing this as a vacation?_ He felt his energy slip away from him the moment the group stepped out the door of the airport, the hyperactive girl excitedly calling for a taxi. His mind didn't dare question her as they piled into the yellow-checkered vehicle. Allen sat uncomfortably close to him as he sat in the middle of the two, wondering how much longer of this insanity he could bear to stand.

Closed signs of stores and empty sidewalks surrounded him. Not even that much traffic buzzed about; a few trucks managed to drive by, but no cars dared to even round the corners. Even the taxi driver, notorious for being a talker, remained silent during the trip, only speaking when he asked for where they were headed and how much it would cost. Chomesuke, however, filled up the empty gaps of the quiet by rambling.

"...and so, I was forced to decide between chocolate and vanilla for the party, cho! It was an utter disaster! I couldn't believe my friend would do that—oh, but this other time, I had the same predicament with some chocolate cake and coffee cake—"

"It sounds as if you have an intriguing thought process," Allen politely interrupted, "But if you keep speaking of food, I am going to get an enormous appetite the size of Mount Rushmore."

"Oh!" She covered her mouth. "Sorry, I didn't know."

"It's all right. Look," he pointed out the window, "we're here."

"Woo-hoo! Thank you mister-taxi-driver-dude, cho! Here's your money and keep the change! C'mon, you two! This is going to be exciting, cho!"

Shoot me. Lavi hefted his bag over his shoulder, following his two comrades into the building, only to be deafened by loud shouting.

"What do you mean, you don't have my reservation!" She slammed her hands onto the front counter, an exaggerated expression protruding on her face, nostrils flaring. "Check the thing again, damn it, cho! I have to be there—oh, wait!" She snapped her fingers. "Try Allen Walker—I think I put it under that one instead of me."

The person behind the desk, obviously irritated by Chomesuke's outrage, typed the name into the computer and nodded. "Yes, we have a room under that name. Can I see some I.D.?"

Allen stepped forward, flashing a charming smile that caused shudders to go down Lavi's spine, and held up his driver's license. "Here you are. Will that be suffice, good ma'am? I do beg you for forgiveness of my friend's behavior. She is expecting an interview soon, and she is quite nervous. The slight change out of plan causes her to worry more." He bowed. "I do hope you accept my apologies."

The woman behind the counter nodded, a faint blush on her face while Chomesuke rolled her eyes. "Of course, I understand. Your room is room 404, on the fourth floor. Would you like to be served our complimentary wine, Mister Walker, for later?"

"No, not right now." He smiled again. "Perhaps later, but thank you for your offer."

He took the key cards out of her hands and motioned for Lavi and Chomesuke to follow, the woman staring after him. He led them up the stairs and into the hotel room, holding two beds and a nice-looking couch. She squealed as she face-planted onto the mattress, sighing. "We made it!"

"Damn, bean sprout—"

"It's Allen."

"Allen, whatever. How the hell did you learn to swoon women like that?"

He smiled, only it seemed less genuine. "When you travel with a... womanizer like my master Cross, you learn a variety of things as a result. For example, he taught me acting like a complete gentlemen to women who seem lonely wins them over nearly every time. Politeness is the key." He glanced over to Chomesuke. "I am sorry about using you for an excuse."

"It's alright, cho." She sat up and beamed a smile. "One of us is going to have to sleep on the floor, cho, and since I'm a girl, I get one of them."

The two boys looked at each other, and in an instant, they yelled, "Rock, paper, scissors!"

Lavi came up with a rock.

Allen, on the other hand, came up with scissors.

"Hah!" He fist-pumped victoriously into the air. "I win!"

"Dang it all." Allen sighed in defeat. "I never win at luck games."

Lavi placed his bag onto the unoccupied bed, victory still seeping in as he frowned. "So, now what? What does the almighty leader want us to do now?"

"We have to wait, cho." She frowned. "I don't like any bit as much as you do, but we have to right now. From you, I need information about a Noah or two, cho. If we can snag one of them, we can get them into custody and get them to confess."

_I bet Yuu wouldn't budge, so none of 'em would say a word. _He glanced over to Allen, who was making the best of his situation. _I think, more than anything, we need to corner him, but she's not sure when to do it. Now would be a good of a time if any, but I think she's using him to get him to kill the Earl. Only problem is, we're running the risk of him killing us in our sleep. I'm not sure if I am willing to risk something like that for much longer, but I have to trust her. I have to._

"Oi, redhead-cutey! Snap out of it." She grinned at him. "What're you brooding about, cho? You finally get to get some sleep. Tomorrow, you need to get as much information as you can, so I suggest you sleep now, cho." She gave him another grin, though she was holding something back. That something was something she wasn't telling him. "G'night! Lights out."

"It's only the afternoon?" Allen mentioned.

"Shaddup, I'm jet-lagged, cho."

Lavi only giggled a little before rolling over himself. Perhaps everything would go smoothly.

_Yeah,_ his brain thought before conking out, _as smooth as the thorns of a fuckin' briar patch._

~O~

Whoot! Chapter 20, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! A few more and we're done! And I'm gone! And Mr. Meenor will kill me! (He's a ninja with that ruler, no lie.) See you soon in Chapter 21~! —Mr. Ree


	21. British Roulette

Yo! Mr. Ree here, back with another chapter for 'Drugtionary'! Thank God for Holiday Break, neh? I'm getting a lot done, as it seems, and I should be able to finish this story for you guys before New Year's Day (end the year on a good note, then actually write some new, decent shit, right? I'm really, really excited!). Anywho, for last chapter, I got up to 145 reviews: marufu-chan, Brigette Janine, Grinns, Hikou no Kokoro, Mori-fan987, Watashi-wa-inori-tsuzukeru, SilverKleptoFox, a non-e mouse, Saga of Eternal Rain, FearIsButFearItself, and RosalieCullenHale1! I love you all, and I do hope you continue to be my fans! (It's an honor to have a fan base. This must be what Katsura Hoshino feels.) So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 21 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Like Kanda's LSD habits. It helps him think, it gives him inner strength! (Sorry LK.)

~O~

21. British Roulette

Rain pattered against the windows, the glass panes shuddering with the exhales of wind. Trees danced as his fingers twitched by his side. Another morning here, another day in the past. Part of him told him today had something important to tell him, though what it was he didn't know. He sat up and felt lightheaded, his ears ringing with an unfamiliar noise. He glanced at the clock to see it was the alarm he never set. He paused. If he never set the alarm clock, then how come it was ringing loudly to tell him it was seven-forty-nine in the goddamn morning?

He dangled his legs over the bed before realizing the nightstand held something else peculiar. A note, written in fancy letters, rested flat against the wooden tabletop. He felt the permanent frown deepen as he opened it slowly, something falling on his lap. He didn't bother checking what it was until after he read the letter:

"_Kanda,_

_Today is the last day you get to live. I hope you enjoy yourself... while you can. _

_See you soon._

_Forever yours, Rhode._

_P.S. I found something of interest. Check it out—I didn't know you and my little Allen were friends beforehand. Heh."_

He crumpled up the letter before glancing at the item in his lap, blinking out of shock before picking it up and staring at the information given to him. A picture, cut up around the edges, depicted him and the bean sprout sitting beside each other, sharing an ice cream cone. Behind Allen and his damned grin, a small bottle of liquid rested quietly, trying to not stand out.

_Wait a minute. _He stared deeper into the photo, trying to make sense of everything. _No, that's not right._ _The damned bean sprout said he only recently transferred from England when he came to the high school I attended, and that he had never been in America before. _

"_Kanda!"_

"_What?"_

"_I got us some ice cream. Want some?"_

"_I'm fucking fifteen now, idiot. I don't eat ice cream anymore."_

"_Says you. I just turned fifteen and I still like ice cream. Got your favorite—mint."_

"_I don't have a favorite."_

The picture slipped out of his hand.

"_Oi, Moyashi. I thought you said this was mint. What is this weird coating?"_

"_It's a special, duh."_

His hand felt numb with something unfamiliar, possibly a newborn hatred, for the bean sprout.

"_Special?"_

"_Yeah. 'Mint coated with mystery substance! Guess what it is and we'll give you a prize!' sort of deal."_

"_Che."_

"_Don't give me that. Are you gonna try it or not?" He grinned. "Best not waste any good ice cream, huh? Do you like it? I got you some more of the flavoring, if you want."_

The flavoring. It had a distinct taste in his mouth. It couldn't be... could it?

"_Che."_

"_Stop doing that. You sound uncivilized. Really, here. Take it."_

"Wow, I didn't think it would be that much of a shock."

He stopped his skip down memory lane and twisted his neck so much it cracked. Rhode stood there, her creepy smile dancing on her lips as she stepped forward. A pink umbrella with a pointy top cleverly bobbed behind her. "You do know," she said, "that one side-effect of extended use of the drug LSD causes lapses in memory, correct? After that picture, you went to Grandworth High. Allen returned to England with his master, Cross. When he got free from Cross, he moved back, and you obviously had no recollection of your friendship. I suppose that is what he wanted to happen."

"You looked into my past."

"Had to." She smiled innocently, but it wasn't the kind of innocent he knew. It had malevolent intent, undoubtedly. "I wanted to know everything about you to make sure no one would miss you when I killed your sorry ass and sent it to Hell. I bet you didn't know that young prodigy Allen was already planning for the collapse of the government, huh? I bet he planned to use you. But one thing did not go according to his plan." She grinned. "You joined us instead. You were, Kanda, supposed to join him.

"Sadly, you forgot too much, I think. That's why when he came back for you, he was astonished to see you not only forgot him, but completely—"

"Bullshit."

She paused. "What?"

"What you just said, it's bullshit. This is all a lie you're trying to plant in my head." His eyes widened when his memory snapped into focus, the memory replaying once more. "It wasn't bean sprout. It was.. It can't be... He's not even..."

"_Hey, Yuu!"_

"_What?"_

He fast-forward the reel, recollecting the memory of the odd-tasting ice cream. The familiar grin popped up, along with the golden hair—golden hair? A girl?—and a pink sundress. She beamed at him as she held up two ice cream cones, her eyes beaming happily as she approached him. She looked beautiful.

"_I got us some ice cream. Want some?"_

"_I'm fucking fifteen now, idiot. I don't eat ice cream anymore."_

"_Says you. I just turned fifteen and I still like ice cream. Got your favorite—mint."_

"_Oi, Alma. I thought you said this was mint. What is this weird coating?"_

"_It's a special, duh."_

"It wasn't Allen." He glared at her as he stood up. "What do you really know? And who was actually in that picture before you changed it? Tell me!"

She sighed, rolling her eyes. The umbrella twirled in her hands. "I suppose since I'm gonna kill you anyways, I could tell you. When you were younger, you had all but one friend who kept popping up in my files. Apparently, she died in a fire when she was fifteen. Her name was—"

'Stop.'

Kanda felt himself lurching out, grabbing Rhode by the collar and connecting his fist into her face. She collapsed in a heap against the wall. She coughed as he felt himself kick her repeatedly in the gut, blood hacking out of her lips. She didn't move, or even try to move as his hand grasped the handle of the umbrella and stabbed her in the shin, piercing it repeatedly. She only chuckled slightly.

"I thought you wanted answers."

"You won't," he heard himself say, "tell him what I don't want him to hear."

_Alma—? _

The umbrella came crashing down onto her throat, but he managed to stop himself in time. Rhode stared up at him, looking bemused as his internal struggle raged on. _Alma, what the hell are you doing?_ _Are you fucking crazy? You're going to get us both killed!_

"Shut up! I know what's best for you!"

_Che! Alma, I don't know what the fuck is going on, but you've got to stop this._

His friend sniffed, dropping the umbrella to the floor before wailing loudly. Kanda stood in his own mind, flabbergasted as his sense of reality came back to him. Unwanted tears rolled down his chin and dripped onto the floor as Rhode stood up shakily.

"You won't be getting more answers from me," she said, clutching her side. "You were too strong this time. If you really want to know, look for that redhead. I know he knows the answers you want."

She slipped out of the room, leaving Kanda alone in the room. Rhode's blood stained the carpet as his legs gave out on him, causing him to collapse onto the floor. His breathing worsened as gasps became frequent. _Alma,_ he thought, _what's going on? What are you not telling me?_

'I can't!' His friend gave him the puppy-eye look as he stood in the midst of a bog covered in lotus flowers, the petals sinking beneath the dark waters. 'I can't this time, Yuu. I'm sorry. I won't allow it to happen, do you hear? I won't.' He started to sink with the petals. 'Good-bye, Yuu. Next time we meet, I won't be your friend. I'll be your worst enemy.' He gave him a sad smile. 'Until next time... Kanda.'

_Alma—!_

The boy vanished, and his mind throbbed with an unfamiliar pain. Something wanted to get out, to break free from his skull, but it wasn't able to. It hurt so bad he wanted to take Mugen and cut it out for whatever it was. He forced himself to sit up, the rain drenching the windows, smearing the scenery into a mesh of parking lots and sky.

_Alma?_

No response. His mind was completely void of any persons named 'Alma'. He slumped against the wall as thunder clapped.

_Alma?_

~O~

"Ow... Ow... Ow... Fuck... Ow... Ow..."

She walked with a limp back towards where the Earl rested. He was preparing for his inauguration speech, she knew that much, but hopefully he would have some form of candy to give her for at least trying. Some brute force Kanda exerted managed to catch her off-guard. What was even more surprising was how quickly the man moved to get a hit in. She didn't even see him move before she got decked. She knew she cheated death this time. Next time, she would just smother him with a pillow when she gets the chance.

She plodded the gray sidewalks when an arm reached out and snatched her around the neck, dragging her into an alleyway. She didn't yell—she couldn't yell. Her mouth was covered.

"Sorry to be mean, but I'm kind of in a rush."

_Allen? _

"I need to know," he said slowly, pulling out a knife with his free hand, "where the Earl resides right now. I've got unfinished business with him, as you should know. I didn't..." He paused, grip faltering. "I didn't... want to hurt you, in the end. I thought maybe we would go out to lunch or something like that. But fate had other plans. For that, I am sorry."

He rummaged through her skirt's pocket, pulling out several documents and a scrap of paper with an address on it. Above the address, it read, 'Earl's Hideout'. He sighed.

"Thank you, Rhode," he whispered, turning her around and kissing her.

She didn't know how to react aside from the earth-shattering-ka-boom going on in her mind. Allen was actually kissing her, truly kissing her, and it was the most wonderful thing she ever felt in her—

The knife slipped around her neck, piercing the skin as he cut right across it. She gasped, eyes wide, as she toppled over, blood running down her neck and soaking her shirt. He frowned as he put the knife back into his pocket after clearing off the blood with his glove. He would have to change gloves before dealing with the Earl. It saddened him, considering how much he liked those gloves. His cellphone vibrated in his pocket as he moved the body behind a dumpster. "Hello?"

"_Allen, cho? Where've you been?"_

"Around," he replied. "I needed some fresh air. Do you know what I mean?"

"_I guess, but you have to hurry up back here, cho!"_ She sounded as if she were fuming. _"I mean, really! This is the most important day, and you're walking around in the rain! You shouldn't be out in the rain!"_

"I have an umbrella." He picked up the pink umbrella with the small pumpkin on top of it. His clothes were drenched, but that was fine; he had no intention of returning back to the hotel anytime soon. "You shouldn't worry so much, Chomesuke. I am fine—"

He paused, staring at the dead-end of the alley. "You're right behind me, aren't you."

"Bingo, cho." She hung up the cellphone, putting it back in her pocket as her gun—a standardized six-chamber revolver—pointed square at his head. "I knew something was wrong when I saw you leave with two gloves on. Typically, you only wear the one, cho."

"Master Cross taught you well." He chuckled slowly. "You are quite observant."

"I was going to use you to get rid of the Earl for us, cho," she said, "but I knew as of this morning it was too dangerous to let you go. Surrender, Allen! Or should I say, the Fourteenth! You are coming to the station with me for Marian's sake, and that girl's sake!"

Again, he chuckled. "You don't have the nerve to pull the trigger on me, Chomesuke. Not ever since you mistook that child for a persecuted gang member. The child died, didn't he? And he was all of seven-years-old, right? That was about a year ago. Ever since, you're always been nervous about handling a gun. That's why you're shaking right now."

_Wh-what?_ A bead of sweat rolled down the side of her face. _How... how did he know about that? When did he have the time to research about me, cho?_

"Don't fret," he said with a polite tone. "I won't hurt you... much."

She grimaced as he stepped forward, her forefinger trembling around the trigger. He was right; she couldn't pull the trigger. She just couldn't do it. The little boy, all of seven-years-old, ran from his friends while playing tag. He had no clue what was going on. He had no clue that playing at night would have ended his life. The sudden movement caused her to jump and pull the trigger, despite Marian's cry of, "Don't shoot, don't shoot!"

By that point, it was too late.

Her blood stained the pink dress she chose to wear yesterday, having no time when she noticed Allen left. She knew she needed to find him quickly. She found him rounding the corner in a hurried manner, and she almost lost sight of him.

"_You have a natural instinct of finding things," Cross commented. "So never give up finding what you are looking for."_

She followed him around that corner, but by that point, the girl was already dead, rain and blood running from her neck. Chomesuke never liked what blood looked like. Even when she worked for the Earl, she didn't like blood. It was too thick for a liquid, too coppery to be real, and too disturbing to even look at. Now, as she stared down at her chest, knife wedged into it, she wanted to vomit. The gun clattered onto the ground as Allen twisted it, sharp pain inflicted with the wound.

"La... Lavi..." She gasped as the knife pulled out, allowing her to fall.

"Lavi won't be around for much longer, either," he informed, dragging her injured self beside Rhode. "I will kill him the same way I killed you just now. However, since you are an officer, I'll let you die slow, considering how much I do not like people of your type. Luckily for him, though, I'm on my way to see the Earl to kill him first. So, I suppose he has some time left." He laughed when she glared at him. "Worry not. I need little Lavi to lure a certain someone to get me what I need in order to get control of all the Noah. After all, when I kill the leader, I'll need methodical ways to control the Noah."

"You're... an ass, cho..."

"That I am." He gave her a charming smile before walking out of the alleyway, umbrella twirling in his hands. _I need Ba-Kanda, _he thought. _He has information, I know he does, and since he left the Noah, I should be able to lure him easily. Rhode set out to kill him, but judging by her appearance, she lost the fight. Now, if I kill the Earl, kidnap Lavi, and lure Kanda to me..._

_I'll be the winner, after all!_

~O~

"Mmph..."

He rubbed at his eye when he blinked away the drowsiness, the unfamiliar hotel room making him think he got laid and he needed to escape, at first. He sat up to see no one else was there, so that theory was shot out of the water. His memory recollected yesterday in bits and pieces—Chomesuke, Allen, the hotel check-in... He paused. Where were Allen and Chomesuke?

He sluggishly reached for a plate of breakfast sitting on the table next to him, which consisted of an apple and a bagel with cream cheese. He ate it slowly as his growing concern nearly overwhelmed him. He tried calling Chomesuke, but her cellphone went straight to voicemail. He grimaced and hung up, hurrying up in his eating. Somehow, the food didn't taste as well as it did with the others around. He couldn't believe it, but he was at the point where he hoped even Allen would pop through the door.

The rain continued to patter against the windows as he finished eating, his eye scouring around the hotel room for any clues of as to where they might be. Uneasiness clenched his gut as he tried to call Chomesuke again, but it held the same result as last time. He didn't want to call Allen. If he expressed concern to him, he might lose control of his emotions at Allen's cool demeanor. He never liked how he always took everything with a calm expression, especially when it dealt with the disappearance of their friend. He frowned. Then again, Allen had no friends—he's nothing but a serial killer, after all.

With nothing else to do, with Chomesuke not answering her phone, he gave up and turned on his laptop, figuring that when she came back she would want some sort of information. He cracked his neck uncomfortably as he looked over the list of newly-appointed politicians, seeing that Kanda was on the list. He sighed at the thought. It had to be a typo of some sort. Kanda never showed the least bit of interest in politics.

Nevertheless, he typed the man's name into the Google search engine. At first, nothing really came up, so he tried a different approach and went through his school records. He raised an eyebrow as he went back to middle school. Kanda actually proved to be smart, having mostly an A-record and no suspensions of any sort. A side-note informed him that he did, however, suffer a few detentions, but nothing too outlandish.

The drastic change in his schooling was shortly after he entered high school. In the first semester, he was, yet again, an A-student, but in the second semester he dropped to C-level. From that point on, Kanda kept on a steady grade of 67.7 in every class—in other words, a perfect failing grade. Lavi opened another tab, the Google search bar awaiting his command. _Let's see... _He frowned. _If he's nineteen or so now, that means, when he was a freshman, he was either fourteen or fifteen. That was four years or so ago. What happened in Grandworth that caused him to change so much?_

He typed in "Grandworth 2006" into the search bar, and the first result came up in a local newspaper. Apparently, the article of that newspaper attracted the most attention of people that year, titled "Fire Kills Local Teen". He clicked on it, reading a short excerpt from the passage:

_Tragedy strikes in Grandworth today as friends and family members mourn the loss of Alma Karma, a fifteen-year-old girl who was known for her leadership in many science projects. A natural genius, she helped the local research lab (The Black Order) in their stem cell research. A fire that broke out in her home on December 24th, caused by an electrical problem, claimed her life..._

He scrolled down to see that they even had a picture of the girl. His eyes widened as someone else stood in the picture, someone familiar. He looked at the caption below it, reading _"Alma Karma, age 15, and her proclaimed best friend, Kanda Yuu, share an ice cream cone together. Taken five months before the fire."_

_Best friend? _He stared intently at the screen. _I can't believe it. Was this what threw him off so bad? I wonder if that girl was something more than just a friend. Did Yuu have a girlfriend? They were fifteen... Hm. Something tells me there's something more to this 'Alma' character than what meets the eye._

He went to Google yet again and typed in the girl's name, instantly getting results. Internet magazines proclaimed her scientific discoveries, along with other famous scientist names (such as Edgar and Twi, both of which were highly respected in their field), in stem cell research. Sometimes she discovered some new, disturbing disorders and, two months before the fire, declared her war against cancer. She seemed too perfect. He scrolled down the page and found an article titled "Genius Scientist in Hot Water". He clicked on it, reading an excerpt:

"_Alma Karma, the scientist known for advancing stem cell research, was accused today of using drugs for recreational activities. The drug in question is known as LSD, which can cause hallucinations and have severe side-effects, like memory loss. Several of her classmates claimed that she 'took LSD between classes.' Authorities are still looking for evidence in this case..."_

He glanced at the date. It read "16 December 2006". He frowned. _That was at least eight days before the fire. I think she knew she would've gotten caught, and since she probably knows basic mechanics of electricity, she committed suicide out of shame. Damn. _He closed the laptop._ All this information, and I still can't pinpoint why Kanda joined the Noah._

_What am I missing?_

A sudden vibrate of his cellphone caused him to jump. The laptop nearly crashed to the floor as a result, his hand desperately grabbing it and answering it with a heavy sigh. He glanced at the alarm clock, surprised that his breakfast and searching took him an hour and a half altogether. "Hello?"

"_Lavi..."_

The voice sounded weak and strained. His eyes widened. "Ch-Chomesuke?"

"_Listen... no time... I... I finally found my cellphone and turned it back on... he threw it in the dumpster... left an hour ago... I could barely move... point being, I'm... long gone. There's nothing... to be done, cho... Surprised... held on this long..."_

"Where the hell are you?" His inside voice quickly skyrocketed to a yell. "Tell me where you are so  
I can find you!"

"_Not... important." _She breathed sluggishly, the pauses in between growing longer. _"Listen... he's no __longer... our... ally. He's... he's coming for you... after he... kills the Earl, cho... Have to... get out of there... 'fore it's too... late... wants you... for infor..."_ She took in a long breath. _"Please... stop him... before he does something horrible... for my sake... and Marian's, cho..."_

She sighed too long, no more sound coming through the receiver except traffic and rumbles of thunder, along with the rain. "Chomesuke?" He felt his head slowly grow a headache. "Chomesuke? Chomesuke, answer me! Chomesuke!"

The phone clicked, followed by a dead tone. He stared, wide-eyed, at the opposite wall, as he closed his own phone. Panic seized him. If Allen left her to die an hour ago, he would have had plenty of time to kill the Earl and come back to the hotel room for him. Quickly, he snagged his bag and shoved everything into it, rummaging through Chomesuke's bag to see if she had anything he could use. There was another cellphone, which he looked through the contacts. All it had were the titles "Agent" followed by a number, which didn't help him. Perhaps he could call one when he found a safe haven and got himself settled.

He stuck the cellphone in his sock—never can be too careful—before slipping the bag over his shoulder. He grabbed his own cellphone and placed that in his pocket before making his way towards the door. He yanked open the door, nerves on end, and entered the hallway. He closed the door—

"Leaving so soon?"

—and felt nothing but a dull pain on the back of his head that he once felt after Bookman hit him with a large book, like "War and Peace". He would yell at him and call him an idiot apprentice before shoving more newspapers for him to read across the desk. He would make a comment on him being an old panda, and that would earn another blow to head, which usually knocked him out for a few minutes. The dull pain felt like that second blow.

Allen chuckled, slinging the unconscious apprentice over his shoulder. "Hello, my little Ba-Kanda luring whore."

~O~

WHOA. Chapter 21, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It is always greatly appreciated! I'm actually a little shocked at what I just wrote there. I mean, I just killed two characters in one chapter. That has to be a new record. I mean, really. Next chapter should mostly show Allen's assassination attempt, I believe. Expect Chapter 22 by tomorrow, and I hope to see you soon! —Mr. Ree


	22. Ace of Spades

Whoops. Last chapter, I uploaded the unedited version and there were several mistakes in it I saw (several commas out of place and no italics between Chomesuke's and Lavi' phone conversation...) in the whole thing, so I was weary for a while. But I managed to fix it and I worked on this chapter! Huzzah! Last chapter, I got up to 158 reviews: FearIsButFearItself, Watashi-wa-inori-tsuzukeru, Grinss, Brigette Janine, Harleymotor, mori-fan987, Aerith, marufu-chan, Shinku Ken Yuri, Angel Fantasy, and Hikou no Kokoro! Thank you guys so much! I love you a lot (really, even though I am sucking at replying. I have a deadline to meet, after all...)! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 22 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~O~

22. Ace of Spades

He tossed the blood-soaked gloves before entering a store, keeping his deformed hand in his pocket. He didn't want anybody to point it out. The last time that happened, a fight broke out, which caused him to get kicked out of his school in London. Of course, he managed to erase that record before transferring into America.

The store held many types of gloves—work gloves, mittens, the works—but not any decent white gloves. Most of them were cheap and seemed to wear out easily, so he didn't want to wear them. He wanted gloves that would last him for a long time, but that was like asking for a unicorn that could dance the waltz with a teacup poodle. His eyes glanced around, coming up with nothing until he spotted the discount rack. On it resided a pair of white gloves that would last him at least a month. He picked them up and walked towards the register.

After paying for them, he put the gloves on and stepped out of the store, opening the pink umbrella to prevent the rain from falling on his head. The dismally gray city made a depressing scene as he wandered through the streets, the address to the Earl's "hide-out" in his free hand. Considering the amount of deaths within the White House, security would try its best to keep the new President safe. However, he himself was vice President, so no one would really expect him to kill the Earl.

Besides, he wouldn't get blood on his hands. At least, not this time.

The building's address was on a dingy street, with broken street lamps and trash cluttered everywhere. To hide the future President from harm, this street would definitely do the trick. No one would even fathom him being there, of all places. His pace slowed as he stood before the building, admiring a grotesque gargoyle leaning over the door. The place suited a vampire, not a political official. He closed his umbrella before walking down the dirt path. Flowers, still in bloom, bowed to him with the help of the rain as he passed, approaching the door.

Someone beat him there. A security officer opened the door, with aging hair and deepening wrinkles, and stopped him in his tracks. "Unauthorized personnel are not allowed beyond this point."

"Ah, my apologies." He slipped his hand in his pocket, nearly tempted to pull out his weapon of choice, but instead he held up his official identification. "I know I don't come out much, but my name is Neah Walker. I have it on good authority this is where my 'partner in crime', Adam Millennium, is here? I merely wanted to introduce myself."

The man took his identification, looked it over several times, then nodded. "Welcome, vice President Neah. Sorry, but protocol states I have to check everyone these days, due to the recent attacks on political figures."

"I prefer if you kept us safe than from getting blown up." He smiled as he walked past the guard and into the pleasantly warm main hall. He hung his jacket onto the coat rack after taking out a small pouch of one of his favorite substances and hiding it within his glove. He didn't want prints on it, not if he wanted to succeed.

He heard some people taking amongst themselves as he wandered through the rooms. Several guards stood around here and there, standard security protection. There weapons, however, were far from standard, and he only caught a glance at them. He breathed shallowly as he wandered into the next room, spotting his former teacher, Tyki Mikk. He frowned, immediately stepping back into the living room. _What's he doing here? He's supposed to be stuck in Grandworth until next year!_ He grimaced. _The stairs are in that room. What to do?_

He snapped his fingers as he stepped back into the kitchen, trying not to catch Tyki's attention. He walked behind him and made a mad dash to the stairs, Tyki looking up for only a split-second. He frowned a little. "Rhode? Was that you?"

_Shit! _He hurried up the stairs and into what looked to be a bedroom. _Shit, he could blow my cover! He's not in that list Chomesuke gave me, so how come he's here? He's a bloody teacher, not a politician! If he sees me, this is all over. However..._ He smiled a little to himself. _I have an insider here as well, so I could get her to do it for me. _

He pulled out his cellphone, holding down the '7' button. It rang a few times before she picked up on the other end. _"Neah."_

"Hello, dear. Could you do me a favor?"

"_Of course." _

"Good. I am upstairs in the first room on the right. I have... something for you to put in the Earl's beloved tea, if you do not mind. Could you come up here and take it from me?"

"_Right away."_

The phone clicked, followed by silence. He stared at the phone for a little while as he waited, his foot tapping. Something inside him dreaded the future, and why he did not know. He pressed his deformed hand against his chest, feeling the unwelcome rush of blood in his heart. It pounded with anticipation and fear, the two things he didn't want to feel. The door opened, and at first, he thought it was his agent. Instead, Tyki stood there, yawning.

"Hm?" He blinked, then blinked again. "Do I know you? You look... familiar. And why are you in my bedroom?"

"Ah, got lost, I suppose! I'm an expert at doing that." He waved his hands frantically. "I thought this was the bathroom or something, so I'm just going to go now, thank you!"

"It's fine." Tyki paused as Allen made his narrow escape, hurrying down the stairs. His agent, ascending the stairs, stopped mid-step as he handed her the packet. "Hevlaska," he said, "make sure three teaspoons of that goes into the tea. It's potassium cyanide. It ought to kill him quickly. I would stay to make sure he dies, but I really am in a rush. Call me when everything is done!"

"Of course." She nodded and seized the packet for herself, then resumed going upstairs with a new cup of tea in her hands. "I will take the fall for you, if need be, my lord."

He smiled at her. 'Thank you, Hevlaska."

He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before hurrying once again, briskly walking towards the coat rack. He heard the rushed steps chasing after him, probably to double-check the mysterious, clown-like figure also known as Allen Walker. He grabbed his jacket, nodding at the guard standing by the door, and hoisted up the umbrella. Tyki got to the main hall the moment Allen slipped out the door, leaving no trace behind him.

The white-haired teen ran down the path, hearing Tyki closing in behind him. He dashed into a bar, his mind running out of options as he approached the counter. "Listen," he said quickly, "I need to hide behind here. Someone is trying to rob me, so please help me."

The man looked less than enthused, but nodded anyway. "Fine. Hurry up, kid."

He thanked the man before hiding underneath the counter, holding his breath as he heard the door open in a rushed manner. Tyki frowned, looking around before approaching the counter. "Excuse me," he said, "did you happen to see a white-haired teenager with a scar on his head?"

"Yeah. He's hiding right here." The bartender reached down, Allen secretly cursing him, before the man laughed loudly. "Are you crazy? Does it look like I hide wannabe Harry Potter's in my bar? Get the fuck out, you creepy fucker, and lay off the shrooms next time."

Tyki glared before sighing, wandering and leaving the bar. Allen relaxed as he stood up. "Thank you so much."

"Yeah, whatever." He grabbed him by the shoulder as he tried to leave. "Not that way, kid. He'll be waiting there. We have a back exit you should take. Leads right to Main Street, where a lot of people hang out, if you follow the alleyway straight. Don't be taking no odd turns. The police station is also there, too, so you can report your incident."

"Thank you." He bowed. "I mean it."

He stepped out the back door, opening his umbrella and ignoring the stenches of piss water and cigarettes. Used syringes scattered in several places as the dirt crunched beneath his feet. The wind tried to tear the umbrella out of his hand as he looked at the time. Forty-five minutes had passed since he left Chomesuke to die behind the garbage dispenser. He needed to get his next victim, and soon.

Eventually he reached Main Street, the sidewalk cluttered with few people. The rain chased them away like cockroaches fleeing from a light. He strode with confidence, his cellphone vibrating with a call from Hevlaska. Grinning, he answered. "Speak good news."

"_Wish granted," _she said. _"I managed to slip the cyanide into his drink... It was very... entertaining to __see... him die on the carpet..."_

"Thank you, Hevlaska." He smiled. "You're now free."

She paused, as if puzzled. _"...What?"_

He whispered so low that the phone barely picked it up, but she heard it all the same. "Innocence."

He heard the phone drop as something collapsed, undoubtedly Hevlaska. He hypnotized her awhile ago, when he met her for the first time when he arrived in America. The word, Innocence, released her from his spell. He chuckled a little as he slipped the cellphone back into his pocket, his walking letting him arrive at the hotel. He closed the pink umbrella and smiled at the woman behind the front desk. Victory tasted nice, but he needed a phrase. Every good hero had a phrase to say whenever they beat the bad guy.

_What to say, what to say?_ He agonized the thought as he walked up the stairs, the white walls becoming a blur. He approached the door and paused, hearing the rushed movements of Lavi through the wood blockade. He stopped and chuckled lowly, readying his umbrella for a weapon. _Oh, I know._

The door swung open, the redhead looking panicked. Allen lifted the umbrella and connected it to the back of his head, causing the idiot to collapse onto the carpeted floor. He chuckled again. "Hello, my little Ba-Kanda luring whore."

_Wait. Did I really just say that? That was low class, even for someone like me. _He picked up the heavy apprentice Bookman and slung the deadweight over his shoulder. _Oh, God, he's so damn heavy. I may as well just drag him._

He dragged the unconscious boy back into the hotel room while closing and locking the door. He needed to send a message to Kanda somehow, but he would figure that out later. He dragged a chair over and pulled out several yards of rope, putting it on the bed. He—with slight difficulty—managed to get Lavi onto the chair before tying him to it, ensuring there was no way he could get free without assistance. Finally, he duck-taped his mouth before getting onto the laptop. He restored the last session and laughed.

_He looked up Ba-Kanda's information. _He grinned. _This is going to be easier than I thought._

~O~

He laid still in the corner of the room, wracking every nook and cranny in his brain. However, no matter how hard he searched, he could not find Alma, nor remember when he met his energetic friend, male or female. The only memory he recalled was the ice cream, and even then it didn't seem real. It was as if that memory was planted in his head to serve the purpose of fucking with his head, and it did a great job, to say the least.

_Lenalee..._ He covered his ears to block out the traffic noise, the silence slightly comforting. _Lenalee, help me. Help me. I can't do this anymore. He's gone, Alma's gone, and I'm lost. I need you. Lenalee, please... give me a sign or something..._

He forced himself out of his fetal position, his numb fingers trying to get the loose strands of hair to obey him. His bag, which rested beside the bed, seemed so far away as he stretched out to get it. He unzipped the front pocket and small bottles of his drug clinked onto the floor. He stared at them for the longest time as his shaking hand reached for one of them, barely able to pick it up. He bit his lower lip hard enough to draw blood.

_I can't. I can't do this anymore. _He squeezed the little bottle until the plastic broke, letting the liquid run down his fingers. _You ruined my life to begin with. You're the reason why I'm in this mess. He shook with horrible realizations. You made me kill Lenalee. You made me get that girl killed. You made me walk away from my school. You're the reason why they burned down my apartment building. You made me lose the Baka Usagi. You're the reason why I'm fucked up, and I'm not going to let you control me anymore. Not anymore!_

He buried his fingers into his scalp, refusing to allow the emotion overcome him, despite his loud yells into his backpack. The absent memories, which vanished with the wind, slowly came back with the gusts of a foreboding hurricane.

"_Yuu!"_

_He waited by an old payphone, leaning against the metal frames as the blonde girl hurried up to him. "Che. Took you long enough. This was your idea to begin with."_

_She rolled her eyes as she tightened the scarf around her neck, her hair curling against the cold, winter winds. "Excuse me? You were the one who asked me out on a date, Mister 'I-Am-Too-Much-Of-A-Meanie-Headed-Jerky-Pants'." She grinned widely. "Besides, I found a great noodles place that you ought to enjoy. You know that new local cafe thing? They have the best, I kid you not, the best noodles! And it has great mayonnaise, too."_

"_Of course you'd pay attention to the mayonnaise." He stuck out his tongue. "How the hell can you put that on perfectly good food like pickles?"_

"_Pish, posh, and apple sauce!" She rummaged through her bag, pulling out a small bottle. She popped it open as he raised an eyebrow._

"_What's that?"_

"_New medication," she said. "For that random depression thing, you know?"_

"_Che." He stopped mid-step. "Wait, you don't suffer from depression. Do you?"_

"_Once in a while, yeah. This stuff really helps, though." She latched onto his arm, grinning widely as he tried to yank away. "C'mon, Yuu! Lighten up and at least pretend to like going on dates! 'Sides, I'll make it up to you later."_

"_It's not a date! Stop calling it that."_

"_Is so!"_

"_It's not!"_

"_Is so!"_

"_It's—look, just don't say it's a date, alright? I'm supposed to be, like, evil and what not. Che."_

_She poked him in the cheek gently. "D'aw, is Yuu shy? Yuu is a shy-ee-shy face! How cute!"_

"_You have three seconds to live. One."_

Kanda grimaced at the memory, trying to block it out. Alma was his former girlfriend, or something like that, when she was still alive. Rhode said she died in a fire. He wondered why something as important as that didn't stick with him. If Alma really was that important to him, how come his memories of her just suddenly vanished? And when did it vanish?

The most confusing question, however, was when did Alma become just a hallucination?

He tried not to think of it too hard as he sat up, staring at the floor beneath him. An ominous feeling clouded his thoughts, the ticking of the clock on the wall setting his nerves at their peak. He forced himself to stand up, picking up Mugen on his way, and sheathed the sword, securing it on his belt loop. The wind howled while he gathered everything up and put it into his bag. If Rhode came after him there, he had no doubt in his mind that some other Noah would appear and try to kill him.

Personally, he did not enjoy the thought of getting killed.

In the midst of his 'cleaning up' (it involved trying to get the blood stains out of the carpet, which failed miserably), his cellphone rang. He glanced at the number and frowned, not recognizing it. He didn't bother answering it the first time, and the person didn't bother leaving a message. However, it rang again not ten minutes later, with the same unknown number. Tempted to yell at the thing, he picked it up and answered. "Who the hell are you?"

"_Ah, temperamental as always."_

He stood there, dumbfounded for a moment, before replying. "Moyashi. How the hell did you get this number? And why the hell are you calling me? Look, if you need answers to your goddamn Physics homework, now is not the fucking time, alright? Piss off."

"_Wait, before you hang up on me."_ He chuckled a little. _"I have something important to tell you, so you best listen up. You have something I want, information on the clan of Noah. I know you have it on you, considering how you either are or were one, yes?"_ Kanda's eyes widened as the bean sprout continued. _"You know, I always knew you were one for secrets, but that's a pretty good one."_

"...The fuck do you want, Moyashi?"

"_Quick to the point, hm?" _He heard the bastard's smile in that sentence, the same smile he saw whenever the shorty played poker. _"You see, what I want is simple—everything you know, Ba-Kanda, down to every last name, physical appearance, and skill level of all the Noah. Perhaps you even have documents from them. Either way, I still want what your brain has, and you ought to gladly cooperate for my sake, hm?"_

"Why should I? You've got nothing I want. Che."

"_That's where you are wrong, Ba-Kanda. You see,"_ he laughed, _"I've got an... acquaintance with me right now, with red hair, a green eye and an eye patch. Kind of tall, probably five-foot-nine, and wears a bandana. Goes by the name Lavi. Does that ring any bells?"_

"Che."

"_Oh, don't close up on me now. We're only just beginning. I forgot to tell you, my father was a former Noah himself, known as the Fourteenth. I inherited that role. You know the legend of the Fourteenth in the Noah, right? He was a brilliant musician, one that was respected for entertaining the guests. He also had a brilliant mind, always conjuring up a new conspiracy theory here and there. But he betrayed the Noah, wanting to become the supreme dictator himself."_

"And your point is what exactly?"

"_My point is that I'm ruthless in trying to finish my father's goals, Ba-Kanda, and if you want to see your precious boyfriend live, who tried to stop me from obtaining victory, for another day, you have less than twenty-four hours to come and tell me everything you know. Otherwise, I will kill him and his death will be on your conscious. I'll text you my address. Make up your mind, though, and hurry... hurry..."_

He hung up. Kanda stared at the phone, grimacing. "Moyashi's a Noah?" he said aloud. "How the hell does that work? And he has Baka Usagi..." He frowned. "I already killed Lenalee. She told me that I needed to help someone, 'he who is the lion'. Is that who she meant? Shit. I don't want to be the hero, it's so much fucking work. Che! But, what else do I have to do?"

He sighed, looking through his bag and noticing the folder Rhode gave him before he split. He opened it, frown deepening, as he realized it was the mission to kill Leverrier. Behind it, however, was a packet labeled "Welcome to the Noah", with a sub-script of "Everything You Need to Know".

_So this is what he wants. Che._

The phone vibrated, telling him he got one new text message. He knew it was the address. He shoved the phone into his pocket, put away the folder in the back pocket, hoisted up his bag, and tied back his hair with the small strip of the orange scarf he found at the burned-down building. Alma was gone, Lenalee was dead, the Noah were out to get him, his hallucinations were driving him mad, Allen turned out to be a douche...

All he had left was the Baka Usagi, that damned idiot with the damned, idiotic smile.

Besides, Lenalee told him to save the moron.

He sighed.

"Che."

And he stepped out, opening the cellphone to save his friend, when a person stepped in front of him. Kanda looked up to see what looked like a wrestler, built to rumble. Saliva ran down his chin as he cracked his knuckles. "You is dead, Kanda!"

Skin Boric, in the flesh, charged at him, his fist connecting to Kanda's stomach. He coughed as he found himself lying on the floor, stars moving around above his head. Something struck his back, causing him to roll over onto his stomach. A maid, who stepped out from cleaning a room, gasped at the sight and immediately started calling for help. Skin picked the man up by the throat, laughing with malicious intent as he shoved him up the wall. "You's thought you's could get away from us Noah," he said, squeezing his fingers against the bones of Kanda's neck, "You's were wrong."

Several punches connected to his gut, making him want to vomit as he felt his consciousness begin to slip away from him. Skin laughed.

"The Earl's tolds me to look for Rhode," he said, continuously punching him. "I founds her, alright. Founds her behind the garbage in the alleyway, deads like a door nails. Was you's, wasn't it? You's killed her, didn't you's? I trieds to tell the Earl, but he's deads, too. Deads because of poisons. You's a deads man!"

_What...? _He tried to make sense of everything, which might as well have been a blur, as he felt himself tumble down a flight of stairs. _Rhode is dead? So is the Earl? ...Did Allen...?_

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!" The brute laughed loudly with each hit, Kanda finding himself unable to fight back. "You's gonna die here today!"

"_Yuu? Yuu, you look kind of spaced."_

"_I just..." He stared at his own hands. "I don't want them to make fun of you because a few kids think you're addicted to drugs. You're not, are you? I know you're not. Those morons who keep picking on you might as well just die. They're just jealous because you're incredibly smart."_

_She laughed. "Well, it's nice to know someone's on my side. It's funny, though. You look like you'd be more of a drug addict, not me. I'm more like... like the dictionary type, yeah?" She grinned. "A drug type and a dictionary type. What do you get when you combine the two?"_

_Kanda thought about it for a moment. "...A drugtionary?"_

_Alma cocked her head back and laughed loudly. "That's the most ridiculous sounding thing I've ever heard! Drugtionary! Wow, what a riot! What, does it list all the types of drugs in a dictionary format or something? Hee hee! I'm gonna write that one down. Drugtionary! Ahaha!"_

"_Stop laughing at me."_

"_Oh, you know I can't do that, Yuu. That was just really funny. Ahaha!"_

He stared at the ceiling, feeling blood ooze out of his lip. Alma's laughing reminded him of Lavi's, somehow. However, he knew Lavi was probably more of a genius than Alma. After all, the Baka Usagi wasn't a drug addict. Alma, on the other hand, was an LSD addict. And Alma was dead. The dictionary died in the drugtionary. All that was left was the drug.

Skin grinned eerily as he picked the half-dead Kanda up. "What's you's got to say? Any last words before I kills you's?"

"I..."

Skin raised an eyebrow as he noticed his victim smiled, riddled with insanity and maybe even sarcastically. Kanda looked up at the man, hearing footsteps of possibly guards, and grinned wider. "I can't... die. Not until I... find my... dictionary."

"Are you's crazy? You's wants to find you's dictionary? You's knows you's gonna die! You's never find it!"

"Yes..."

He got a firm grasp on Mugen as he managed to slice the taller man across the chest. Skin yelled loudly, letting go of his neck. Kanda hurried and sheathed the sword, rushing up the stairs as he heard security yelling orders. Skin turned to glare when the Japanese man leered.

"...Yes, I will."

"You's a deads man!" Skin tried to chase after him, but security grabbed him, forcing him to the ground. Kanda grabbed his bag off the floor and walked to the elevator, hoping maybe no one would stop him. The elevator's door closed the moment a security guard ran by, granting him freedom.

He walked briskly out the door, allowing some of the pain to hurt him. His stomach throbbed with bruises. He was surprised that no internal bleeding caused him to cough up blood. Tired and battered, he pulled out the cellphone from his pocket, getting the address. Luckily, the address indicated Moyashi was also in Washington DC, oddly enough. He wondered for a moment why Moyashi was in DC, but that thought didn't entertain him for long as he walked down the sidewalk.

_Baka Usagi, hang on._ He ignored the rain that tried to tell him to turn back and flee. _I'm not going to let you die._

_I'm not going to lose my dictionary again. Not this time._

~O~

Whoot! Chapter 22, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It will be greatly appreciated! One or two more chapters! Oh, God, it's gonna be exciting. Oh, and there is an epilogue planned, too. Maybe? Yeah. Also, I hope you all had a great Christmas (if you celebrate Christmas)! I know I did! See you in Chapter 23~! —Mr. Ree


	23. Darkness 4

I deleted the author's note, which made the whole review thingy funny. Sorry about that... Anywho, I am really excited to present to you this chapter! You have no idea! This is the second-to-last-chapter-aside-from-the-epilogue-type-deal! And I wrote it listening to William Tell Overture! Thanks to those who were able to review (I am sorry about that...)! I am seriously going to bake you all cookies for standing by me this far. So, as a cookie, I give you Chapter 23 of 'Drugtionary', to kick off the three-chapters-in-one-day-finale!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and—Oh, fuck it. We all know this by now, so let's do something funny—Your bean sprout's a mom.

~O~

23. Darkness 4

He didn't remember what happened. Everything prior to his current situation evaded him, completely leaving him in the dark. He knew he, Chomesuke and Allen all went on a plane to DC. He knew they arrived and that she was super-duper excited. He knew he was exhausted by her seemingly boundless energy like the energizer bunny.

Now, as he sat there, tied to a chair and unable to speak, he knew he was in deep shit. He didn't know how deep, or who the mastermind was behind his kidnapping, but he knew that he was in it. His hands tried to snap the bounds off his wrists, but it didn't work. His eye searched around the room, noticing his gun was on the nightstand. His laptop was resting on the bed as his cellphone was on top of it. He blinked and felt the cold plastic of Chomesuke's cellphone still in his sock. Whoever kidnapped him didn't check him thoroughly enough, it seemed.

The door opened, revealing Allen eating a bagel. He smiled. "Ah, you're awake."

Lavi glared at him as the white-haired teen sat down on the bed, eating thoughtfully. "I called your boyfriend, by the way," he informed, opening the laptop. "He should be here soon to come to save you. I bet he doesn't even know he's walking into a trap. What do you think?" He tilted his head as the redhead tried to say something, but it was muffled. "What was that? Sorry, I can't understand you."

_You prick..._ Lavi's glare intensified as Allen approached, toying with his knife. He reached out and tugged at his eye patch, tearing it off. He blinked once.

"Wow," he said, "that eye is completely black. Care to explain what happened? Ah, never mind. I don't particularly care." He smiled as he stretched the eye wider, using his forefinger to poke it. "It feels like sludge," he commented. "Considering how you aren't flinching in pain, I assume this eye is dead. It has been for awhile now, hasn't it?" He poked it again, strangely liking the feel of the unnamed substance. "You don't mind if I play with it, do you? I'm gonna have to gouge it out. Oh well."

He took the knife and cut around the eye, letting the blood drip and itch at Lavi's face. The redhead tried to not cry out, but he failed when Allen tugged at the dead eyeball. He ripped it out, veins popping out as the redhead fell unconscious, unable to deal with the pain. Allen found himself giggling as he severed the artery keeping the eye attached to the head. He placed the eyeball on the nightstand before digging out a needle and thread. He didn't want his precious bait to get an infection before Ba-Kanda got to see him.

He sewed up the empty gap and tied it off, making sure to rub it with alcohol in order to protect the wounds. He took out the knife and made a few cuts on Lavi's cheeks, watching the droplets of O-positive stain his shirt. He sighed as he put the knife away, pacing around the room. Kanda was coming to get him, he knew that, but he still felt terrified. Some part of him knew that the man was dangerous, possibly evil, and he wouldn't give a care about killing him. However, Allen had Lavi in his possession. If his plan worked, Kanda would be powerless and at his mercy.

However, that was a very big 'if'. Kanda wasn't dumb, or at least tactically dumb. He would have some sort of a plan before barging in to try to disrupt everything. He chewed on his sandwich, eying the door the duration of the meal. He didn't know when he would come, which left him at a disadvantage. Unless...

He opened the laptop, rousing it from its standby state, and typed in Kanda's cellphone number on the tracker function, which Lavi added just in case someone got in trouble. He smiled a little at the sight of his prey coming towards the hotel, wandering blindly through the heavy rain to get to a place where the waters were turbulent. He double-checked to make sure his weapons—pocket knife, pistol, pepper spray—were ready for action.

"Mmph..." Lavi's eye blinked open, looking lost before realizing where he was again. He winced a little as the white-haired teen merely smiled.

"Sorry," he said as he tossed the eye into the air. "I have this thing about getting what I want. And right then, I wanted to play with your squishy dead eye. It's fun, you know? Quite the entertainment, especially when it makes that nice 'squish' sound. How does your eye socket feel? I'm not good with a needle and thread, so I tried to sew it up the best I could."

_Bastard... _Lavi watched as his enemy toss the eye into the air over and over again, almost catching it every time except once or twice. The cellphone in his sock itched against his skin as Allen started to mess with the laptop while playing with the eye.

"I've got a question. How long have you been dating Ba-Kanda?" He glanced at the redhead, who didn't seem to comprehend the question. "Oh, don't give me that denial. It's obvious you at least give a damn about him, and anyone who can do that—caring about him, I mean—must love him. Otherwise, you must be crazy enough to be placed in a mental institution. Considering how you're not locked up in a room wearing a straight jacket, you must love him, yes?" He put the eyeball back down onto the nightstand, sighing. "Love is a funny thing."

_Doesn't anyone know the term of 'friend' anymore?_ He watched as Allen clicked away at the laptop, typing something that he couldn't decipher by the taps. He chuckled as he clicked several times on something, probably an Internet browser of some sort.

"You know the Internet comic, XKCD? It's one of my personal favorites. It deals with sarcasm, math and romance." He grinned as Lavi gave him a look of disbelief. "Oh, come now. Don't tell me you don't read Internet comics. Dr. McNinja? Awkward Zombie? Those are just a few of my favorites, I tell you." He hefted up the laptop. "See? Isn't it such a good thi—?"

Lavi managed to kick the laptop out of his face, sending it flying above Allen's head. Annoyed, the white-haired teen caught it and glared at him. "Hey now. I'm trying to be polite to you. You have some nerve, kicking that out of my hands." He shook his head, shrugging. "I suppose being kind is not one of my strong suits, don't you agree?"

He grabbed the knife and sliced a part of Lavi's cheek, smiling at the sight of the blood running down.

"Be nicer to me during the time you have left to live, apprentice Bookman, and maybe you'll have a pleasant moment or two. But, for now, I suppose I should leave you here for the time being. I need more food, after all, and Ba-Kanda shouldn't be here for another hour or so. See you soon... Lavi."

The lights turned off. Silence settled the room.

And Lavi knew then while the darker shadows skittered towards the corner of the room: _I'm going to die._

~O~

Kanda stopped several times in the middle of his walk. An impending sense of doom, failure and self-hatred settled upon his mind and fed on his thoughts ever-so-slowly. The memories kept coming, one after another, all dealing with Alma and her scientific discoveries. Some were about her unhealthy mayonnaise obsession. Others, her LSD habit that she was hiding. At that time, for at least a little while, it seemed evident to him that he didn't know about it, that she was slowly destroying herself with each indulgent splurge of the liquid.

He sat down at a bench after awhile. Cop cars rushed by, probably to arrest Skin Boric for assault charges. However, their key witness disappeared, thanks to an elevator ride down to freedom. He coughed as the never-ending rain made him shudder. He forgot to bring his jacket with him, which was not the smartest move he made, but at least he got away.

A firetruck, after a little time passed, also rushed by, following the cop cars. The sirens beat upon his brain, as if trying to tell him something. He didn't want to listen. All he wanted to do was to get Lavi out of there and get the hell out of Washington DC. Then maybe he would consider turning himself in for Lenalee's death. Her brother needed peace, and he wasn't getting it with him walking free. His fingers buried into his scalp, feeling the heat and smelling the smoke of something far away, something so far away that he shouldn't be able to feel it.

"_Alma..."_

_The girl grimaced as she slammed the knife against the counter, vegetables flying everywhere. She turned to look at him. "What? Do you want to say anything the fuck else? I can't believe you. I trusted you, and I thought you wouldn't look into it! And you did, you retard, you did!"_

"_I didn't say I was going to tell anyone." He picked up the carrots that flew and threw them away. "I promise, I won't. I just want you to get help, that's a—"_

"_Help?" She grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall, the knife pressed against his throat. "Help? You think I need help, do you? You're just like them! Exactly like all of them, and I won't hear it, not once, not one bit! It's a necessity, Yuu, a necessity for my life! Without it, I would have gone crazy years ago!"_

"_Can't you hear yourself?" He grabbed her wrists and pushed her away. "You've been crazy the moment you took those damn drugs, Alma. I know who you really are. I know who you really were, and this isn't you. You're the genius, chipper girl who's obsessed with mayonnaise, not this hopeless, depressed drug addict. Can't you see this is destroying you? Destroying us?"_

_She stared at him, as if unwilling to believe him, before hefting the knife against the wall. It ricocheted and clattered onto the floor, blade pointing towards her. She laughed a little as she picked it up and put it back onto the counter. "If it's really destroying us," she said in a quiet voice, "then will you follow me to that destruction?"_

_He watched as she shoved the vegetables aside, looking around the room with unlit eyes, looking for something to do. She walked over towards a wall and slammed her fist against it once. Kanda's felt his eyes widened as he tried to say something, but she put her forefinger against her lips as she pounded the wall again, ripping the wood off to reveal electrical wires. "Since you love me," she said, "you're willing to come with me, right? Until death do us part and all that stuff, right?"_

"_Alma, what the hell are you doing?"_

_She grinned as she began tearing at the wires, her fingers twitching the occasional electrical surge. She giggled at the sight of a forming fire, clinging onto the wallpaper and reaching for the ceiling. She approached the door and stood in front of it, preventing Kanda to leave. "We're both going to die here, right now. You're coming with me, aren't you?" She hugged him. "I love you so much, Yuu. You're the only one who would never leave me."_

_He watched the fire extend down the hall, snaking its way towards the front door. She pushed him away from it as the flames consumed it, ensuring there was no way out. "Alma, what the fuck! You can't really mean this, can you?"_

"_Of course I do." She walked around, picking up random photographs. "Even when my parents left me, you stayed by my side. And we'll be by each others side when we, too, are eaten by the flames." She dropped a photograph and watched it splinter all over the floor. "It's best we do this together. We're soul mates, after all. We'll go to heaven and spend the time together forever and—"_

"_No."_

_She stopped. "What?"_

"_I'm sorry, Alma, but I can't do this." He glared at her as he coughed out of smoke inhalation. "I can't die here. Death is not the way out of this. Come on, let's get the fuck out of here."_

_He approached the window and opened it, feeling the cool December air waft in. He offered a hand to her. "Che. Hurry up."_

_She stared at him, mouth agape and eyes wide as the hand lingered in offer. She approached him and yanked him away from the window, standing in front of it. "You're not leaving me," she growled. "You're not. I won't allow it."_

"_Alma—!"_

"_No!" She wrestled him as he tried to get to the window, the two almost dancing with their movements. She scratched at his face and tore at his clothes, trying to get him to stay, while he yanked at her wrists to get her to follow him while the fire closed in on them. His eyes watered as a small, little voice in the back of his head whispered, _She's officially gone mad._ He ignored the voice as he forced every muscle in his body to try to tug her along, but instead he stumbled backwards._

_A crash of glass and a four-story fall awaited him, his hand outstretched for Alma. Her eyes, brimming with tears, and her hands, reaching out to stop him, failed to save him as he fell, spiraling down towards the concrete slabs of pavement, screaming her name for her to hurry down the fire exit, his lungs filling with blood—_

—_and a final, saddening, betrayed look on Alma's face as she leaned out the window, a tear falling and landing on his forehead as he felt his consciousness slip away from him. His arm, still outstretched to grab her, fell by his side as she turned away, back into the building. All that kept him company now was the glass shards and broken bones, smoke-filled lungs and sirens of firetrucks..._

He looked up from his hands as the sun temporarily broke out from behind the clouds. The rain lessened over the course of the memory, but he didn't care. It continued to rain over his head, causing his eyes to burn and water. He wished his personal raincloud would go away, but it lingered there anyways. He forced himself to stand up. Alma died alone, and he left her to die. He didn't want her to die. He leaned against the wall to keep his balance.

"_Kanda? Kanda..."_

"_What, Lenalee?"_

_She paused, then looked away. "I'm sorry about Alma's death. I know it's hard on you. I..." She handed him a box. "I got you a present."_

"_A necklace?"_

"_A lotus necklace. She gave it to me before the fire, saying that she needed me to keep in safe. She was going to give it to you for Christmas." She looked off into the distance. "I'm so sorry, Kanda. I really am."_

"_No one," he said, "is as sorry as I am."_

Kanda grasped the lotus necklace around his neck, the one he found while cleaning out his apartment with the Baka Usagi. He forgot that it was from Alma. He originally thought it was from Lenalee. He picked himself up and continued to walk, looking at his cellphone for the address the damned bean sprout gave him. Frankly, he really didn't want to save Lavi. However, he needed to in order to make sure no one else died because of him.

It took him a little while, but he found the hotel. It looked so ordinary that he double-checked the address on the cellphone, confirming he was there. His head hurt. His heart hurt. Every part of his body screamed in rejection. Running away was available, but he was there, there and unwilling to give up. He left Alma behind, he left the school behind, he left Lenalee behind, he left the Noah behind, and he left Alma again. He opened the front door of the hotel, glancing around.

He was not going to leave Lavi behind.

The people in the small dining facility of the hotel rose at the same time, their bodies shifting in bone-cracking, nail-splintering manners. From skin became Akuma, all level one. He felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of his face as they approached him, guns angled at his body. He glanced to the other side of the room. The walls dripped with ink, rolling down and flooding the place. His feet felt wet as he attempted to ignore the Akuma, assuring himself it was all just an illusion.

A Level Two, which had six eyes and eight legs, came around the corner as he tried to find the stairs. It stared right through him, yellow pupils fixed upon the wobbling stairs. The walls began to vanish from sight as his uneven steps conquered the unbalanced stairs, tripping once or twice. Another Level Two, this time in the form of a cardboard box, giggled violently at him, hopping up and down as if excited about something. It bounced in front of him for a little while, trying to tempt him to draw out his sword, but Kanda refused. The Akuma pouted and began to wail as he left it behind on the second floor.

The walls were no longer existent. Wind that shouldn't have been there ruffled his hair as he trudged up the third flight of stairs. All was quiet as he reached the third floor, each door guarded by a Level Three. He counted them before entering the hall. About twelve guarded each door, every eye focused on him. They grinned, they clapped, they watched as he walked by. One stepped in front of him.

"Title: The Japanese Rage," it said, making its fingers shape a rectangular box.

"Stand down."

"Title: You Cannot Pass."

Kanda glared at it, unafraid of the Level Three's antics. The others behind him laughed quietly amongst themselves, as if anticipating a fight. The Level Three before him grinned as its hand balled into a fist, tongue sliding across its metal lips. "Title:—"

"—I'm going to kill you."

He blocked the attack with Mugen, which flew out of its sheathe faster than the Akuma's eyes could follow. He heard no screams, so he assumed he was alone on the floor, luckily enough. If anyone else saw him, they would've thought he was sword practicing randomly in the hallway. The Level Three laughed as it knocked the sword away, almost knocking it out of his hand. Kanda managed to put up a small defensive position before its foot connected to his chest, causing him to spiral backwards down the hall. Ink splashed onto his face, causing him to get up immediately. Something heavy weighed him down as the Level Three laughed.

"Title: Dark Matter."

Kanda raised an eyebrow as he saw a yellow chain form in front of him, coiling around his body.

"Title: Dark Matter Is Gravity. You Will Lose."

He paid no attention to that as he felt an increase of gravity surround him. Inevitably, it was going to slow him down. However, no matter what the speed, he always won. After all, Akuma were his creations. The creator could not lose to the creation.

Mugen extended forward as the two clashed, fist connecting to blade. Silence followed as the disgruntled Level Three recoiled its fist and tried again, only for it to be cut off. It screeched loudly as Kanda only snickered at the pitiful excuse of an Akuma. It glared.

"Title: You're More Of A Murderer Than I."

It pointed over to the corner of their battlefield, metal finger clinking with the sudden motion. Kanda's eyes dared to follow it as he saw Lenalee standing there, eyes wide with horror. A gun shot resonated in his ears as she choked, falling forward helplessly. It happened again, this time with more blood, more ink splattering over the black-covered floor. The Level Three laughed as his will to fight slipped away from him, watching her fall for the sixth time.

It stopped laughing when he sneered.

"Title this," he said, "Lenalee already left me, and your illusions won't work on me."

The sword pierced through its thick armor, the Level Three's eyes widening as Kanda twisted the blade. "T-Title... I-impossible... Eshi had... the strongest armor..."

"Che. Keep telling yourself that."

He cut it vertically in two, watching the Akuma splatter and vanish. He sheathed Mugen again as the other Level Three's tried to follow. He slammed the door shut behind him as he ascended the stairs, no Akuma following behind. Everything was so open, but it seemed so secluded as he felt alone. No one was there to support him but the thought of Lenalee trapped in that crystal, with that terrified look on her face. Her words dripped like the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"_I'll... keep... praying..."_

He stopped in front of the door of the fourth floor, closing his eyes as he opened it. _Thank you, Lenalee._

All seemed clear as he opened his eyes, the lack of Akuma almost reassuring him. He checked the cellphone again, reading the floor and room number—Fourth floor, room fourteen. He wondered briefly why the fourteenth floor would be on the fourth floor and not on the first floor, but that thought vanished the moment he smelled a horrible scent, one made of carcasses left to dry in the sun. However, there was no sun, it was raining, and there were no carcasses.

He walked down the lotus-lined hall, his ribs aching a little as he coughed. He forgot about his fight with Skin Boric and how much damage that brawling bastard did to him. He pushed that thought aside as he watched the room numbers dwindle down to fourteen. He stood in front of it, staring at the glittering number as he looked at the floor beneath him. A key card rested before his feet, daring him to pick it up. Chills shuddered down his spine as a shuddering, god-awful cry shook the hall. He turned to see an angel.

Only it was no angel.

"I'm Level Four," it said, approaching him. He forgot about the key card as the creature approached him, smiling oddly. "If you want to save him, Exorcist, you'll have to go through me. And there's no way you can beat me, can you? You know that."

He unsheathed Mugen again anyways, the little voices of doubt reaching his brain. A Level Four was a challenge, even for him, and he needed a stronger weapon than he had now. It screeched again, causing his ears to wail in pain as he felt the Level Four's forefinger flick him.

He felt a brief pain, then nothing. All pain ceased to exist for what felt like years. He laid still, staring up at the lotus-petal sky. They lost the petals as a result of the wind, swirling them into a small hurricane of flowers. His body went numb.

"_Like the lotus flower, we will grow out of the mud, away from our struggles and pain."_

"_Why the serious moment there?"_

_She paused for a moment, staring out the window as her feet pressed against the glass. Her chair spun a little towards him as she smiled. "Because we're a pair of lotus flowers, Yuu. We never give up, and we never will, right? We're the only ones who blossomed. Everyone who never gives up blossomed. But right now, it's nice to think it was just the two of us. And when we die, we'll return to the mud, but I won't mind it. Not ever. Not so long as I'm with Yuu when we go under."_

The Level Four hovered above him, looking bored as Kanda blinked away the memory. "Exorcist," it whined, "you're supposed to entertain me."

He snorted. "I can't entertain anyone."

The Level Four looked disappointed as it picked the Japanese man up like an old plaything it lost, eying it with curiosity. "Tell me, Exorcist. Do you like to feel pain? Will anyone feel pain when you die, or will you just die with nothing to your name?"

"The people who cared are dead except for one."

The Level Four raised an eyebrow as it found Mugen poking through its forehead, the sword trying to move downwards. The blade didn't cut it as smoothly as he liked. In fact, it didn't move at all. It just poked through the Level Four's head. That's all he wanted it to do.

"The people who cared are dead except for one, and I'm going to save that one, just as soon as I'm done with you."

"Funny, Exorcist. I thought I was going to be the death of you."

Kanda paused, then wrenched the hand of the Level Four away from him. It was right; it would be the death of him. However, he didn't intend to allow that to happen. He slipped Mugen out of its head as he extended for the key card, grasping it off the floor and sliding it down the lock. The Level Four grasped his shoulder, but Mugen cut it off as he tumbled into the room, slamming the door behind him. No fists pounded upon the wood. The Level Four, like his illusions for the moment, was gone.

_See? _he thought. _I did end you._

The dark room didn't allow him to see much. The drawn curtains blocked out the little amounts of sun hidden behind the clouds. He heard the wind howl against the window panes, the rain scratching at the glass to get in. His hand groped for a light switch of some sort, but he couldn't find one. He forgot about it and felt around with his hands. The silence, aside from the rain and the wind, unnerved him. He thought he would see Allen and Lavi immediately, but apparently not. The dark made it difficult to see anything as he nearly tripped on someone's bag.

If he called out, he would give away his position. Undoubtedly, Allen already knew he was there. He was probably hiding behind a corner somewhere, ready to strike. His fingers clenched Mugen tighter, giving him a sense of ease when he ran into something. A chair, occupied by something. He paused, staring and trying to make out the dark blob. He reached out, daring to touch the blob, and felt human hair. He blinked and touched it again.

"Mmph..."

"Lavi?" He whispered the name in a small manner, but it was enough to jolt the apprentice Bookman awake. Kanda felt down his face and found the piece of duck tape covering his mouth before tearing it off. The redhead whimpered a little.

"Yuu," he breathed. "You have to get out of here. It's a trap."

"I'm not leaving without you." He worked hastily in untying the knots. "Where is he?"

"He stepped out," he replied, relieved that circulation started to flow back into his hands. "Yuu, forget me. Get the hell out of here and call the police or something, but coming here is not a smart idea."

"If I called the police, he would've killed you."

"Correct you are, Ba-Kanda."

Both froze. The dim light of a lamp turned on, Allen walking towards the bed and putting more food on the nightstand. He held a gun in one hand, a pocket knife in the other. Lavi glanced at Kanda, who looked irritated that he couldn't untie the redhead fast enough to get out of there. He stood up, eying the white-haired teenager wearily at the psychopath smiled at him, chewing on a bit of sandwich.

This was it. Kanda knew that as soon as the bastard's smile widened.

"Welcome. It's so nice to have guests."

~O~

Wow, cliffhanger! It's exciting! It's more than exciting! I am so excited to write Chapter 24! Are you excited to read it? I hope so! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It will work this time! I'm pretty certain of it! With New Year's closing in, I will, in fact, see you soon in Chapter 24~! —Mr. Ree


	24. The End

So, this is the technical last chapter but not really because of the epilogue. A perfect 25 chapters, can you believe it? Can't believe it worked out so well. Anyways, this is chapter two of the three-chapter finale, a startling fact that is. By the time you finish reading this, the epilogue will already be posted, and the New Year is right around the corner. I finished my goal! Go me! So! Let us commence forthwith with Chapter 24 of 'Drugtionary'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better. It's the last chapter.

~O~

24. The End

Kanda Yuu was not one for being a hero or being thanked.

He preferred to be a villain of sorts, one that hid quietly in the background and proclaimed "Fuck you government I'll do whatever the hell I want!" once or twice. He sold drugs because he needed money, and he didn't want to hold down a job. He never liked jobs. Lenalee tried to get him one in junior year, and he got fired twenty minutes into it. She didn't give up, though, so she gave him a bunch of one-time job deals, like cleaning up the city streets. That worked for awhile, but eventually he caved in and started to sell drugs.

He figured he would do that for five years before a gang of some sort killed him for raising the prices too much. Ironically, he thought it would be Jasdero, David and Skin Boric to kill him off, but instead he decided to join them. What caused that to happen? He wracked his memory when the answer stared him dead in the face: Alma. Alma told him to accept the offer. However, it wasn't completely his fault, or her fault, or whatever he/she was. He didn't know what to call it anymore, aside from 'my hallucination.' What he did know was that it was the LSD that got him in this mess.

If it was part of the problem, then possibly, it was part of the solution, too.

Allen chewed on his sandwich. Lavi sat still in the chair, fingers working to loosen the rope even more in hopes of being helpful instead of being a hindrance. And Kanda, who came into the room with no plan at all, decided to just wing it and hope everything would work out. He glanced over to the nightstand, noticing a cellphone and another gun resting on it. The gun wasn't the bean sprout's. He saw the same gun the day he blew up the Grandworth Auditorium.

_It's Lavi's._ He glanced at the redhead, who glanced back at him. _If I can somehow get that gun to him, we may have the upper hand here. I can't do anything with just Mugen right now, not when Moyashi has a gun at his disposal. Che. I should've come up with a plan on my way over here. That was a dumb move on my part. And I bet he has one. I know he has one. Shit. I need a goddamn miracle._

He watched Allen slide off the bed, crumpling up the Subway paper and tossing it into the trashcan. He returned to the bed, sitting cross-legged and smiling as he opened up his second sandwich. "You know, I love Subway sandwiches. Back in the Grandworth, though, the local cafe literally wiped the floor with Subway. They had the best sandwiches, and Lenalee was there." He took another gigantic bite into his food. "She always served me coffee for free as a side."

"Shut up, Moyashi."

"Ah, and she we smile at me and we'd chat for hours on end, talking about school, the weather, her job, my supposed job, our Chemistry homework..."

"Shut up."

"...and we even talked about you, sometimes." He smiled at Kanda. "She would discuss her troubles about you with me. She always seemed saddened whenever you came up, probably because she was so worried about your habits. Yes, she told me you took LSD, and she made me promise not to tell anyone. Whoops," he glanced over to Lavi, "I forgot we had company. My bad."

The redhead stared at Kanda. "Yuu?"

"Che. What is this, a 'share my secrets' session? And stop bringing Lenalee into this. It's not respectful to talk about the dead."

"Respect!" Allen cocked his head back and laughed harshly, with a bitter aftertaste of a sly smile. "Oh, oh, Kanda, you have so much to learn about me. I hold respect for no man, no woman, or no child, for that matter. All Lenalee was to me was a worry-wart. A useless, hopeless, pathetic excuse for a human being. She couldn't stand up for herself at all until her friends got involved. People like that are hated first, do you know why?" He grinned. "It's because she's the strongest of all of us, and people are jealous of that. It's so irritating, being like that, yet she didn't care. She would stop at nothing to protect her friends. She trusted them."

"Stop talking about Lenalee like that, Moyashi."

"And who's going to stop me? You? Him?" He shrugged, shaking his head. "I'm afraid, Ba-Kanda, you have no way to stop me. Nobody in school except a select few liked that annoying girl. If you ask me, she's better off dead."

Kanda refrained from punching the lights out of the bean sprout. His knuckles cracked and turned white around Mugen's hilt, his eyes narrowing. He wasn't sure who he hated more, the old Allen who was nice and polite, or this new Allen who was rude and a douche. He placed his money on the latter, because the nice Allen actually loved Lenalee. It was so obvious it made him sick to his stomach when he watched them sit together at lunch. He guessed that the power of being the inheritance of a Noah drove him mad and caused him to lose all former feelings towards people.

The light turned off, the dark swallowing all color from his eyes. He could still see Allen, with dim light illuminating his gray eyes, and the gun, glinting in his gloved hand. Lavi grimaced, making quick work of the multiple knots as Kanda stepped in front of him. Allen's grin widened.

"Just kidding. Too dramatic for my tastes." He turned the light back on and sighed. "Right, time for serious business. Joking around with you gets boring after awhile. You are so serious, way too damn serious for my tastes." He hoisted up the gun pointing at Kanda's forehead, other hand extended as if wanting something. "Do you have what I asked for, Ba-Kanda? Otherwise, you'll both die right now, and I'll make my hasty escape."

"Che." He slipped off the bag from his shoulder and let it fall to the floor, a loud thud breaking the unsettling silence. He needed a plan, now, because the moment he handed Allen the folder, he would get shot. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that much out. He unzipped the bag and noticed the six gleaming, small bottles of LSD staring back at him. They rested right next to the folder. He glanced back at the white-haired teen, whose arm was still extended. He looked back at his bag and frowned.

"What?" Allen peered over the edge of the bed. "Do you not have it?"

"Lavi..." He looked back at the redhead, who just nodded. He looked back at Allen, who seemed puzzled, gun still aimed at his forehead. He sighed and pulled the folder out of his bag, tossing it onto the bed. "Here."

Allen raised an eyebrow as he opened the folder. He returned Kanda's frown. "This is a murder request for Malcolm C. Leverrier, Ba-Kanda, not information of the Noah group. You think you could fool me with such an amateur trick?"

"No, you retard. Look behind the damn thing."

He flipped the murder mission over to see the same, long report of the Noah Kanda saw beforehand. He turned page after page, eyes fixed on the information as if making sure it was all genuine while his prey worked on unscrewing the caps of the bottles of LSD, steadily but quickly to make sure none of the liquid tipped over. Allen's frown turned to a grin when he reached the last page of the packet. "Brilliant," he said, nearly laughing. "Brilliant! After so many years, I finally get the one thing I needed to succeed in my mission!" He looked at Kanda, eyes crazed with madness. His finger started to squeeze the trigger. "Thank you, Ba-Kanda, but you're no longer needed anymore. Say hello to Lenalee for me."

"Yuu!" Lavi yelled, finishing the knots off, but not quick enough, and he knew it.

However, Kanda had a different plan in mind.

He reached in his bag and pulled out the bottles of LSD, throwing it onto the bean sprout's eyes. Shocked, Allen shouted, nearly dropping his gun onto the carpet. Lavi tossed the ropes aside and dived for his gun on the nightstand while the Japanese man quickly moved away from Allen. Mugen rested on the floor when he took off his bag, and he needed it now while the bean sprout struggled to recover from his acid-attack.

"You son of a bitch," Allen breathed, aiming his gun as Kanda reached for the sword.

"You're the son of a bitch!"

In his quickness, Lavi didn't quite shoot him where he wanted. He managed to get the shoulder, which made Allen yelp, but the kickback of the gun immediately caused his shoulder to dislocate. The guns clattered to the floor as Kanda picked up Mugen. Lavi, despite his throbbing and quite painful injury, latched onto Allen, wrestling him in an attempt to take him down. The Japanese man didn't need anyone to tell him what the redhead was thinking—while he distracted the bean sprout, he could properly aim Mugen and stab the bastard until he died and went to hell.

"Hurry up, Yuu!" He bent Allen's wrist back after getting hit in the gut, knocking the air out of him. "I can't hold this up for long! If you're going to stab him, do it now!"

Someone must have heard the shot, Kanda knew that. However, he knew they wouldn't be able to pin-point it. Besides, the door was locked, and the staff would have to check every room with security. He had to kill Allen now and not hope to be rescued. They would deal with the cops after he finished the job. He swiftly approached the two, Mugen high in the air as Allen grimaced, trying to writhe free of Lavi's grip.

'Yuu...'

Kanda stopped mid-swing, noticing the familiar face standing before him. Alma stood there, swaying a little as his arms bubbled up and twisted in odd ways. His face paled as wings sprouted out of his back, a familiar-looking halo hovering above his head. Markings that belonged on a Level Four Akuma began to appear, along with a tail and the odd skin-coloring. His hallucination, which used to look like a little kid, now seemed to be a full-grown teenager. His friend grinned.

'This time,' he said, a ball of purple forming in his hand, 'I'm going to bring you with me.'

"Alma—?"

'Die!'

Kanda found himself thrown onto the wall, collapsing in a heap as Alma laughed, looking back at the other two confused people in the room. He recognized them and turned back to his former friend. 'Yuu, these two are the ones we were supposed to get away from, until you betrayed me. You betrayed me you betrayed me you betrayed me you betrayed the fuck out of me, Yuu!'

"Yuu, what the hell are you doing! Get off the damn floor and—!" Lavi didn't get the chance to finish his sentence as Allen managed to get a hold of his fingers, bending them back until a horrible crack resonated in the room. He screamed, the bones of his fingers broken, as Allen seized the opportunity to dig out his knife. With his arm shot, using a gun was not the best option, but using a knife would still be sufficient.

"You're going to die, Ba-Kanda's boyfriend," he informed, tackling the redhead onto the floor. The knife hovered above his neck as Lavi tried to prevent Allen from killing him. His broken hand couldn't do anything but use his elbow to try and push him off while his good hand clasped the wrist with the knife on it, desperately struggling to get away from its blade.

"Yuu!" he shouted.

'Ah, pitiful,' Alma remarked, gently tapping his foot on Kanda's shoulder. 'That Lavi is going to die slowly, it seems, while you die slowly by me. Isn't that a riot, Yuu?'

"Hysterical," he mumbled, wincing as he forced himself to stand up. Mugen laid a few feet away from him, just out of arms reach. Alma leered as he kicked him away from the sword, nearly embedding him into the wall. It collapsed around him as the walls slowly vanished into a hellish-looking setting, with buildings crumbled and bodies everywhere. Lavi and Allen continued fighting within his line of sight, though they still seemed so very far away.

He rolled onto his back, feeling a cold hand of a corpse pressing against his shoulder. He shuddered and sat up, seeing Lenalee's body mutilated before him. Her wide eyes locked onto his, her skinless fingers clawing on his sleeve. "Save... me..." she whispered as her neck cracked, Alma's foot stepping on it again and again. The crunching noise grew less pleasant with each step, Alma's laughter growing more malevolent. Kanda glared at him.

'What?' He grinned. 'You want to kill me again?'

"Che!" He grabbed Mugen in time to block another attack, splicing it in two. He forced himself to stand up, seeing Alma crossing his arms.

'You still have some fight in you,' he commented. 'Let's see how long that lasts, shall we?'

Lavi managed to knee Allen in the stomach, causing the boy to cough and topple over, clutching his stomach. The redhead got on top of him, pinning down his wrist with the knife in it. His good hand punched him in the face a few times, knuckles hurting with each punch. "Yuu, what the hell! Help me out here, will you?"

"He's probably having a hallucination," Allen coughed, headbutting Lavi. He recoiled, his head suddenly feeling dizzy, as his enemy regained control. The knife stabbed him in the shoulder, causing him to yell loudly before he tore out the knife and tried to stab back. Blood oozed onto the carpet as he laughed. "He's not going to save you now, Lavi."

"Yuu... Hurry up, damn it!"

Kanda found himself laying on some ruins, his legs dipped in a pool of water. Alma hovered above him, laughing as he played with Lenalee's limp body some more. 'What's the matter, Yuu?' he taunted, tossing the body aside. 'Do you not have it in your heart to kill me? I'm the reason why your little friend Lenalee died. I'm the source of your trouble. Why not kill me? Unless, of course, you know who I am. You do, don't you?'

"Ungh..." His grip on Mugen lessened as his blood dripped onto the rubble, pooling around him. His tired body refused to budge. "Alma... you... you were... the dictionary... so why are you... acting so damn... stupid? Why... try and kill me? I never... wanted to hurt you..."

'You did!' Alma descended and punched him repeatedly. 'You did, you did, you did! We were supposed to die together, to burn in that building and become ashes! And you left me, Yuu! You left me behind because you wanted to live and not die together and you left me! You abandoned me! Someone like you could never understand what I feel!'

"Under... stand?"

Alma blinked, feeling Mugen pressed up against his throat. He leaped back as something furious developed inside Kanda, his fingers twitching on the hilt of the sword. His eyes narrowed as he lunged for his hallucination, attacking ruthlessly. "Understand? Understand! You don't think I fucking understand, Alma? Is that what you fucking think? You're right, I don't fucking understand! I don't have a goddamn clue, but neither do you! You fucking left me because of your goddamn LSD, you fucktard, and you even killed yourself because of it! You don't have a goddamn clue what you did to me, you self-centered prick!"

'You're the self-centered one! All you can do is runaway!'

His fist connected to Mugen, causing a stand-still. Kanda inhaled deeply, glare deepening with each moment passing, as Alma found his cocky grin to longer be in existence. The tension between the two grew, both trying to break the other. 'I tried to help you,' he said. 'I tried my hardest to help you. I tried to make it so that we'd finally be alone at last. I wanted us to be together again, and I found a way. I found it in the LSD. I thought we would finally be together forever, and that you'd never leave me. But you found someone else. That someone else!' He jabbed a finger at the wrestling Lavi, who looked battered and beaten. 'You left me for him, or you tried to!'

"I don't have a goddamn clue what you're talking about! Baka Usagi was an idiot!"

'You felt something when he hugged you. A whole feeling, I think. He was going to steal you away from me, and I tried to get you away. Now look at us. We're fighting, Yuu! We're fighting because of him!' He broke into hysteria. 'The problem isn't me! It's him! Kill him, Yuu, not me!'

"You're exactly the same."

Alma stopped mid-rant. 'What?'

"The same as the day you burned yourself up. You were fine for the longest time, but eventually snapped. And this is what you snap to in a hallucination. An Akuma."

Alma's face contorted to a deep rage, but it subsided to something else—sadness. He shook his head and withdrew his fist. Kanda blinked, watching him fly over to what seemed to be the center of the wasteland. 'You're right,' he said. 'You're right. Please, Yuu. Kill me.'

"...What...?"

'Hurry up!' he yelled. 'I can't control my Akuma-side for very long! It should be you to end me, so do it! I want you to live! Kill me!'

He couldn't believe it as he approached Alma, Mugen glinting in the hallucinated light. Alma smiled faintly as he took the blade and pointed it where his heart resided. Covering it was the same tattoo on Kanda's chest, the Om symbol. He got in one day on a whim for whatever reason. But now, his blade pointed at Alma's chest, at the tattoo. Grimacing, he frowned. "I'm sorry, Alma..."

'No, you aren't. I am. And you will be as sorry as I am soon.'

"Huh—?"

Alma grinned as the blade shoved right through his chest, the Akuma fading away. Kanda blinked as he disappeared, bubbling up into a thick, black smoke, and floating up into the air. 'Goodbye, Yuu.'

The hallucination fell apart back to the hotel room. In front of him, Lavi held a cellphone in his hand, back turned. Allen moaned on the floor, looking bruised and battered. Both of them looked bruised and battered. He wondered vaguely how Lavi was able to do it.

Lavi turned his head, coughing, eye wide, as blood ran down the side of his chin. "Y... Yuu...?"

"Baka... Usagi?" He frowned. "Why are you bleeding?"

"Wha... You... stabbed me...?"

Kanda stared down at his blade, noticing it pierced right through Lavi's chest. Allen, who seemed unconscious, started to laugh. "You mistook him for a hallucination! That's right where his heart it, too! Ahaha! Talk about a laugh!"

"Che...!" He let go of the sword the moment Lavi began to topple backwards, cellphone slipping out his hand. Kanda caught him mid-fall, grimacing at the blade poking out of his chest. Alma knew, that bastard knew he would stab Lavi, and he didn't warn him. The redhead coughed, eye wide and shocked, as Kanda took the cellphone and started dialing 911.

"Don't," he breathed. "I... already informed an agent... should be here soon... with ambulance..."

"Damn it, Baka Usagi, stop fucking talking!" He fell for it. Alma made him fall for it. Alma made hims stab him, that mother-fucking bastard, and he couldn't re-do it. Alma was dead, and Baka Usagi was dying in his arms. "Shit, do you know medical expertise?"

"I'll... apply pressure... Make sure... he..." Lavi coughed again, this time blood coming out. Kanda looked away, eyes squeezed shut as he continued. "Allen... can't... get away... watch him... they'll be here soon... don't... worry..." He grinned his childish grin, though with the blood it was incredibly creepy. "I... forgive you... you looked... scared... when you realized..."

"Stop talking, for fuck's sake!"

"Yeah, listen to him, Lavi."

Kanda looked up to see Allen standing in front of him, gun aimed at his chest. Gunshots resonated as Lavi shouted for him to stop. Of course, Allen didn't bother to listen as he fired again, Kanda collapsing on his side. Lavi's eyes widened as he found himself losing consciousness rapidly. Allen laughed as he blew the smoke away from his gun.

"Sorry to disappoint, boys and girls," he said. "But I won't be around for the police, after all!"

Lavi grimaced as he pushed his gun, which was behind him, towards Kanda. "Yuu," he whispered as Allen started to leave. "Take Mugen out and throw it at him, then shoot him when he's distracted. It's our only shot at winning this."

"Baka—!"

"Yuu," he said. "I'm... dying. I cannot live, even when they get here. You're... the only chance we've got to... save... to make Lenalee's... death worth it... please... don't let me die in vain..."

"Baka... Usagi..."

"See ya, mother fucker's," Allen waved at them, grinning victoriously. "Too bad I won't see you until I die and go to Hell."

"Che...!"

He threw Mugen with every fiber in his being, Lavi choking on his own blood. The sword nearly connected, but Allen batted it away with his deformed hand, looking amused. "There goes your chance to save Lavi, you imbecile. Did you honestly think you could beat me like that? Wow, that's pathetic! I thought you were smarter than tha—!"

He stopped mid-sentence, finding everything start to fade away. His blood splattered against the door, eyes wide with shock and surprise. The bullet, a final shot to stop him, nailed him right in the forehead, and for the final moment, Allen realized his cocky attitude finally got the best of him. He slid down the door, eyes still wide, a muttered, "Nice shot" emitting from his lips before he slumped over, eyes locked into place. Kanda heaved heavily, finding his own life slipping away.

"Baka... Usagi?"

"That... was good," he said weakly. "Yuu..."

His eye faded in and out before he finally said,

"Thank you."

"Baka..."

It didn't matter what he said now. Lavi was dead. He choked back something unfamiliar. Nobody willingly said thank you to him, not for anything. And whenever someone did say thank you, he rejected it with a stereotypical "Che" or "Whatever". This time, though, the thank you couldn't be simply ignored.

Not this time.

The door fell to the floor, shuddering loudly as a woman—she looked familiar—stepped in, eyes widening. "We need doctors, now! I repeat, we need medical assistance... three males are in critical condition... This i_s... randa Lotto... Do... Medical..."_

Kanda inhaled sharply, finding his eyes losing sight and his ears losing his ability to hear. Colored specks of red covered the floor before it turned to a thick, brown mud. Lotus petals covered the top of it as he felt himself sinking. Alma looked down, sobbing and shaking her head, whispering the words, _"Don't go, I'm sorry, don't leave me... Please... I'm so sorry..."_

The mud hardened as he fell further, the rabbit and Lenalee standing there, along with the little girl. They smiled at him, and took him by the hand, the one-eyed rabbit sitting on his head. They walked down the small corridor towards a brighter light, a white, snaking fire enveloping souls. Someone whispered in his ear, _"Thank you, Kanda."_ Eventually, it became a hollowed chorus, something that echoed in his head while he watched Lenalee approached the door. She waved him to come along with her. He paused at the entrance, taking her by the hand, before turning around.

Alma stood there, tears streaming down her face._ "I'm sorry."_

Lenalee looked at him and nodded. He nodded as well, wandering back down the corridor and hugging the girl, bringing her along with him. Lenalee smiled faintly as he set her down on her feet at the entrance. The little girl nodded, picking the rabbit up off his head and being hoisted up by Lenalee. The five stood before the door and stepped through, watching the world become nothing but a small little dot in an array of color. Whispers dropped in his ear as an applause lifted upwards, following them. Everything turned white and pure. A peace settled in. Everything he fought for ended.

Alma stared at him, smiling again. Lenalee stood beside her as the little girl nodded. The rabbit waved as he felt himself leaving them. He tried to yell, but a dark wave washed over them, consuming them completely as he continued to leave. He didn't want to leave as their words reached his ear, Alma starting off a small, lonely song.

_Thank you, Kanda. _Alma vanished.

_Thank you, and..._ The little girl sank beneath the waves.

_We love you._

_We won't leave you._ Lenalee lifted up her hand for a final wave before disappearing.

The rabbit grinned that damn childish grin as Kanda screamed, trying but unable to get back to where they stood. It whispered what seemed to be a lie as he found himself unable to even see them, only the white and the pure plane. The words dripped like ink from an old fountain pen left behind by the calligrapher.

_Not this time._

~END~

And there you have it, folks! The final chapter of 'Drugtionary'! Except for the epilogue, that is. So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It would be greatly appreciated! See you in the epilogue! —Mr. Ree


	25. Epilogue

Epilogue

Kanda Yuu woke up from his coma on January 19th, 2011.

He didn't remember much of what happened. Police filled in the details for him—they found his prints on a sword that stabbed murder victim Lavi Bookman—but the evidence disappeared. No one knew what happened to the sword that should have landed him in jail. He didn't got to jail. He admitted to nothing. He spoke few words. People considered him insane. Perhaps he was insane, but he did get the Noah in a bunch of trouble. All were arrested for terrorist activities, every last one. Allen Walker died the same day Lavi died.

The government restored back to normal, but security became a bitch.

He asked the doctor why he didn't die. He knew he got shot in the heart.

"An organ donor, actually," he replied. "Lavi Bookman wrote in his will that he wanted you to have it, which is odd. He wrote it a week before his death. You miraculously lived because of that, you know. You should've died."

It confused him because Lavi got stabbed in the heart.

"Actually, no," the doctor told him when he expressed his confusion. "His heart was on the right, not the left. A rare occasion, that is. The stab wound was in his lung. He died from drowning on his blood."

Kanda Yuu got discharged from the hospital on February 20th, 2011.

He moved away from Grandworth. He had no belongings to bring with him. He had no one to say goodbye to. He took the money he saved in his bank account and bought a new apartment in a new town, three hundred miles away from where all his trouble began. He got a pet rabbit and named it Lavi. He also got a pet dog named Alma. Both pets loved him.

He got a job. He worked at a sewage treatment plant. He made friends with a co-worker named Noise Marie, who was blind yet could still do his job better than anyone else there.

Life rushed by. He paid attention to nothing, spoke little, and asked for nothing.

He stopped taking LSD, period. He chucked all the remaining bottles he had into the ocean.

It was the least he could do.

~O~

The alarm clock beeped, telling him it was 4:30, on a Monday morning, causing him to grumble loudly and slam his fist onto the piece of technology. It stopped beeping as his fist throbbed in agony. Alma barked loudly to fill in the gap of silence, not caring for Kanda's developing headache. He was tempted to throw a shoe at the annoying animal, but he decided against it. He sat up, tired, as his legs dangled over the bed. His disheveled hair was tied back into a formal ponytail with no dangling sides. He frowned. It was the second-year anniversary.

The doorbell rang as he hurried to get dressed, his body still slow from sleepiness. He rushed to the door as he attempted to put on his sock, opening it while putting on a shoe. Noise Marie stood there, looking tired as well. "Still getting dressed?"

"Kind of." He managed to tie his shoe before grabbing the other one. "Thanks for watching over the pets while I'm gone. I won't be away for long."

"It's no big deal. I have no animals or family of my own." The large man laughed a little, though it was humorless. Kanda realized he knew next to nothing about him, but he still liked him nonetheless. He was the type to not take shit from anybody by silently staring—or not staring, as the case may be—down on them. "I'm just surprised that you asked for a favor. I haven't heard you talk in over two months. I was starting to get worried."

"Che." He finished tying his shoe and looked for his jacket. "There's food in the refrigerator. The animal food is in the pantry. Alma goes out twice a day for a walk, and you can just leave Lavi in his cage. He doesn't move much, but he eats a lot."

"All right. I can find everything. I've been here once before."

Kanda picked up the crystal lotus necklace, which rested on the table. The kitchen light made it glint as he approached it. He slipped it around his neck and behind his shirt as he located his bag. "Thanks again," he said. "When I come back, we'll play another game of poker for one hundred dollars. This time I got the braille deck of cards."

"How considerate of you." Marie stood in the middle of the room as Kanda walked towards the door, bag dragging behind him. "I just noticed this is the most you've ever said to me in one conversation. Are you starting to forgive yourself for whatever you did?"

He paused at the door, as if shocked by the statement. Marie knew everything about him, it seemed, even though he didn't say much. "Che. I guess, but not completely. The keys are on the table."

"Have a safe flight," Marie replied.

Kanda left without another word.

~O~

Grandworth didn't look the same when he arrived at the airport. After finally getting through security, he stepped out to see ribbons wrapping around every lamppost. Local businesses dominated the downtown area, the bigger businesses non-existent. Lenalee's cafe was still open as he wandered down the sidewalk, hungry from the long flight. When he stepped in, the staff was different. A small girl stood behind the counter, smiling at him as he approached.

"What would you like, sir?"

"Noodles."

"Japanese or American?"

"Japanese."

"That'll be five-fifty, please."

He paid in cash and waited alone by the window, watching the people hurry around. A group of teenagers walked by, his old teacher Tiedoll following them. Kanda waved, but he didn't notice as one of the kids nearly stepped out into the busy street. He sighed as the noodles were placed onto his table, the girl smiling at him. "Complementary coffee, sir?"

"Yes."

"Comin' right up!"

He ate his noodles slowly, drinking the coffee when she gave it to him. Something inside of him hurt, a little piece of his heart, probably. He chuckled to himself. It wasn't his heart anymore, it was Lavi's, beating inside his body. He didn't deserve Lavi's heart. He killed the poor bastard, for starters, and yet he still had it. In fact, Lavi requested for him to have it a week before his death. It bothered him that he did that, that he wrote a will as if he knew he was going to die.

He finished eating his noodles and left the cafe, entering the autumn air. Halloween decorations lined the windows of shops, but he paid no attention to them. People walked by him and he walked by people, unnoticed, unseen. He liked it that way.

A flower shop caught his attention after he wandered a little while, not wanting to go to his destination quite yet. He entered, looking around for something suitable for the occasion. People glanced at him, and a few gawked, but he didn't notice as he picked up a bouquet of white roses. The petals had a slight yellow tint to them. He paid for them before putting them in his bag, the flowers sticking out of the bag's pocket.

A new apartment building where the first one burned down replaced it, though a plaque dedicated to those that lost their lives was embedded into the wall on a granite stone. He read the names quietly to himself, noticing Bookman's name was there. He sighed and put a rose below the plaque before continuing onwards.

The sunset brewed up an array of reds, oranges and yellows as he wandered towards his destination, noticing the infamous Grandworth Auditorium no longer stood. Housing developments replaced it, surprisingly enough. He passed them by without a second thought, though the thought of Alma settled on his brain. She also died in a burning building, probably because of the smoke before she burned to ashes. He frowned as he approached an iron gate, decorated beautifully with lanterns, and opened them to find himself in a familiar graveyard.

Gravestones lined the path that wound for about a mile, though he only needed to walk about half of it. The trees, with yellow, orange and red leaves falling around him, rustled with calm winds. The cobblestones led him to a familiar row and he stopped, counting up to the seventh gravestone, and walked on the still-green grass. Ashen-shaped leaves rested on top of the grave until the wind blew them away, leaving it undisturbed. Kanda knelt before it, reading the stone,

_Lenalee Lee_

_February 20th, 1993 - October 24th, 2010_

_Fly soft, fly low, into the night sky,_

_My lovely, beautiful,_

_Wandering butterfly._

_May you never be forgotten, Lenalee Lee,_

_May you be remembered_

_For eternity._

He stared at the words embedded in marble, knowing that nothing lasted for eternity, but her brother wrote the epitaph on the stone, so he had no right to make a comment on the poem. He unzipped his bag and pulled the white roses out of their plastic wrap. He laid a few on top of the stone, then covered the ground where her grave rested with the petals, one rose lying in the middle. He stared at it for awhile, unmoving as the sun's final glade disappeared behind the horizon line.

"Lenalee," he whispered. "I know I'm the reason why. I wanted..." He paused, wiping something wet away from his eyes. Dirt, he concluded, must have gotten into them. "I wanted to thank you for praying. I couldn't save them. I'm not good enough to be alive. But I try. I'm trying to make it up to you, to Lavi, to Allison and to Alma, and to all the people in the auditorium. I wanted you to know my hallucinations stopped, and..." He paused, finding himself crying. He couldn't be crying. Kanda Yuu never shed a tear for anybody. "...and that I am finding a reason why to live.

"I created a group. I made it because of you. I'm trying to get people off the streets and off drugs. I know that's something you would've done. In fact, I know you would've. Hell, you would've organized the whole damn thing, because that's just how you are." He laughed sadly. "You would've asked me to help you out, and back then, I would've said no, as always. But I'm at that point where I'm willing to say yes because I'm not giving up. Not when you died because of me."

He sobbed. He didn't care if anyone saw him. He cried without shame before her grave.

"I'm sorry. Thank you for never giving up on me, even in your last moments. Thank you..."

He could feel something touch the back of his head, something warm as a voice whispered, _You're welcome. I forgive you, Kanda. Keep trying, for my sake, for their sake. _

_We're all by your side and we're always watching you, so you'll never be alone. You'll never be alone anymore. We're here, so keep living. Never give up again. We're praying. We'll all be here in your heart, Kanda._

_Always._

_And forever._

~O~

Komui walked down the path and found her grave as he did on her birthday and the day of her death, breaking down into tears once or twice before he even made it. Reever followed close behind, as did Johnny, who kept supporting him. It was never easy for him, they both knew that, and they knew once they reached the grave, he would be hysterical.

This year, however, as their supervisor stood before the grave, he didn't choke. He stared as Reever and Johnny hurried to catch up with him. The silence confused both of them as the older brother stood there, eyes solemn and staring. "They did it again," he said.

Reever approached him, confused before noticing the white rose petals and the roses themselves. The stone itself was modeled intricately after a butterfly, and the white made it seem to come alive. "Did what again, Chief?"

"They came again and decorated her grave," he answered, putting down his own assortment of flowers. "Whoever did it did this last year, too."

"Perhaps it's a friend of hers?"

He nodded. "Perhaps."

He rested the flowers against her grave, a small, faint smile forming on his face as he touched the cold marble, feeling the words etched in the stone. "Big brother's here, Lenalee," he said.

Up above, Lenalee smiled, and her friends, all surrounding her, smiled, too.

~O~

Wow. I think I cried several times writing this. Thank you, my dear readers, for going along this far with me! I cannot appreciate it enough, not even with a thousand words. I originally wrote a different epilogue, but then I wrote this one, and I liked it better. You guys are the greatest. I hope that you loved this story as much as I did. Please, like Kanda, never give up. Never stop trying.

I hope to see you someday, in the future when I (hopefully) publish my own story.

See you someday~

—Mr. Ree (Jasmine Heckler)


End file.
